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S.L.H.
10th January 2002, 05:25 PM
I'm beginning to wonder if I'm in an abusive relationship or not. My husband and I have been married for 13 years and have two children. My son is 11 and my daughter is 7.

We've had marriage problems for the better part of our marriage, but, he refuses counseling. I've gone alone at times, but, I get tired of doing all the work to keep us together.

I know he is controlling. For example, I'm not allowed to write out any bills until I clear it with him first. I'm not allowed to pay ahead on the bills until I clear it with him first. I'm not allowed to clean my kids rooms and throw away old toys until he checks things first. I am not allowed to work in the evenings when he is home because he cannot handle the kids - this goes for weekends also. I am to have the house clean and dinner on the table when he walks in the door after work. He refuses to help our children with homework.

Also, we've been having problems with our finances now for about six months. I've been working two jobs, along with doing everything else. He refuses to seek another job or get a better job so that I can relax a little. I don't mind working two jobs if he would help out more around the house.

Lately, my stress level has skyrocketed. The bills keep rolling in and I seem to be the only one worried about it. I haven't slept in almost five days. I felt I was going into a nervous breakdown (I've had two in the past) and wanted to go to the emergency room. My husband forbid me to go and stated if I did go, not to put his name on the bill because he wasn't gonna pay for it. He said I had no reason to be stressed out.

Well, everything came to a head last night. I wasn't watching the kids like I should have and my son got into trouble. My husband got mad and pulled his hair real hard as a disciplinary measure. I told my husband NEVER to do that again. My husband proceeded to tell me he will discipline our kids any way he sees fit, no matter what I say "end of discussion". When he started walking away, I chased after him yelling at him. He turned around, grabbed me by the wrists and shoved me away. I followed him into our bedroom and stood in front of the door, refusing to move until we talked about this. Instead, he grabbed me by the arms, picked me up and pushed me away.

He refuses to discuss our marriage either alone or with a counselor. He says if I chase after him again like I did last night, he will grab me again.

I'm lost at this point. I can't even look at him let alone speak to him. My stress level/depression level is more than skyrocketed now, but, I can't be admitted as I'm afraid of what he would do to the kids if I were gone and I can't handle that.

I don't see any way out. I feel classically "hopeless and helpless".

Any advice would help.

Kate
11th January 2002, 01:14 PM
Dear SLH,

I'm not surprised that you are getting stressed out in such a difficult situation especially as it doesn't seem as though you can both face your problems together because of your husband's rigid outlook on life. From what you have described it sounds as if you feel trapped.

First of all, is there any way you can get medical advice without too great an expense? I don't understand the ins and outs of the medical sytem in USA as we have a national health service. You do need to look after your health for the sake of your children. There are ways to cope with stress or relieve it's impact. Some folk find getting out for a walk, for example, can help them cool down and get things more into perspective. Believing in our own self-worth is another way to combat the negative effects. There are a number of ways to do this, but fundamentally the most effective is when we know ourselves loved and valued by God.

Secondly you might like to have a look at the Marriage First Aid Kit (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/marriageclinic/marfirstaid/) to see if there is anything there that helps you to understand what is happening in your marriage.

It sounds as if your husband is a bit of a control freak. Has he always been like that? Such behaviour is often associated with abuse in realtionships.

There are some resources about abusive relationships in one of our topic areas here (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/marriageclinic/womenrisk/). There are good articles here (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/marriageclinic/womenrisk/helpseeking/) and here (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/marriageclinic/womenrisk/helpself/). Again we're not sure what support organisations there are in USA, but you could try searching through one of the search engines. If you suspect your husband is turning to violence, it may be important to know where to turn in an emergency.

Do you have friends or relatives that you trust that you can talk to, but do be careful who you talk to because you don't want to upset your husband further.

In the meantime, this forum is here for you to talk if you need an outlet, and out hearts go out to you.

Kate