View Full Version : husband can't decide if he wants to stay married
29th November 2000, 07:07 AM
my husband and I have been married for a little over 2 years (second marriage for both of us - I have 2 kids) and now he is telling me that although he loves me, he isn't sure that he wants to stay married anymore...we have had some problems mostly stemming from anger and trust issues that I have brought into the relationship...he says that he feels distant and indifferent to me and that while one part of his mind says to stay that he doesn't want to leave, the other part says he is done with this and me. He can't make up his mind, and I don't know what to do... I love this man and am willing to do anything to try to make this work...he won't go to a counselor though - hates the thought of seeing one professionally (his dad is a psychiatrist). What do I do?
30th November 2000, 03:20 AM
It's very common for couples to embark on a second marriage without realising the effect of issues left over from a previous relationship. If you think there are things you need to work through then offer to go for some counselling (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/marriageclinic/counselling/contactcouns/) yourself. You don't have to go as a couple, though you can do that later if you both want to.
You may be able to talk through some of the issues. Try and spot when you are reacting to each other because of past hurts. Tell each other what some of the triggers are. They could be something small, like a place you visit, a song, a turn of phrase, or a perfume, that remind you of past pain.
Acknowledge to each other that it's hard to trust when you've been hurt before and be gentle with each other.
If communication is an issue or you get to the point when you both want to move forward in the marriage, then you might consider a marriage enrichment weekend. Often these focus on building on your strengths and learning new ways of understanding each other. They are forward looking rather than counselling. You can find out more about them in the Health Club area (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/healthclub/servprov/).
There are a couple of articles on baggage (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/articles/baggage/index.html) and trust (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/articles/developtrust1/), which you may find helpful. There's also a section of the site which deals with second marriages (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/marriageclinic/diffsecond/).
Don't expect to feel positive about life all the time, but remember that love is about choosing to care for each other even when we don't feel loving. It's not unusual for couples to find the first few years of marriage difficult. Don't give up.
8th September 2008, 03:52 PM
I honestly thought that you were my wife until you put the bit about not going to counselling and his Dad being a psychiatrist. Same everything until there..
Trust issues on my part with my wife is that she was texting and flirting with a work collegue, nothing more - she says.
She is also VERY flirty with other men when she has had a few too many.
Trust issues are hard - from my point I love her to death but am unsure in the relationship, and spend too much time thinking about her going off with other men, though she has tried to re-assure me. I don't know whether this is the issue with your husband, but if it is, he is probably doing as I am and distancing himself to stop the potential hurt in future.
I know that I need to get help myself on the self confidence issue, but, unlike your husband, I am also willing to go to counselling to work on the relationship.
I don't know what to suggest for you though, it took me speaking to people on this forum to realise that I had the confidence issue. If my wife had brought it up I would have bitten her head off and blamed her.
vBulletin® v3.8.7, Copyright ©2000-2013, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.