View Full Version : darkened by decision
29th December 2001, 07:55 AM
I am having a very hard time in my relationship. my husband is 12 years older than i am and he has never been married before me. I have been married once before, and i have 5 children by my first marriage. I am still in love with my ex husband and i dont know why! my ex was/ is an alcoholic. He was never there for the children and i, and yet i still adore him. i waited five years after my divorce from my ex to remarry, just so i would be ready for someone new. but now i am so unhappy and i feel so lost. if anyone can offer a word/words of advice, please do.:(
29th December 2001, 07:17 PM
There is no reason is there why you should not have tender feelings for your ex-husband. He was once the most important person in your life, but also isn't it easy to feel loving at a distance - life with your former husband can't have been too easy with his addiction. It can be easy to romanticise from the safety of distance. Surely now you need to let go and move on for the sake of your new husband and build a strong relationship with him.
Perhaps there are some things that you still need to work through from your first marriage. Maybe there is still some bereavement to go through, maybe you still need to forgive yourself. Spouses of alcoholics often believe they should have been able to love their spouse out of their addiction. Is there someone you can go and talk this through with?AlAnon (http://www.hexnet.co.uk/alanon/) often help here. I know it's a long time ago, but sometimes it takes more than just time to heal past hurts.
You don't say how things are in your new marriage, but having checked whether you have any baggage from the past to sort out and having accepted that your first husband is yours no longer, then there is so much you can do to build up your new relationship. There is a section on the site about starting over (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/healthclub/healthsecond/). Why not have a look at the articles there.
Also have a look at the Health Club area (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/healthclub/) in general and why not consider a marriage enrichment weekend (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/healthclub/servprov/) together. These are designed for couples who want more for their marriage.
Remember love is about more than loving feelings - it's about commitment and loving acts, common interests, friendship and companionship. Love grows when we nurture it and care for it. 2002 could be a special year for your new marriage.
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