My story-and advice more than welcome..

[schoolrunmum]

Dear all..pull up a chair n sit down....
Been together since 1982, married since 1992, 2 kids of 9 and 12. They adore their dad-obviously..so do I- I think..
2 weeks ago after a few drinks he had on outburst along the lines of "I haven't loved you for a few years, I want to leave my job, buy a boat and go and live on it-you do what you like...we'll sell the house, split the cash-you'll be ok, you are only 43 ,you'll find another man !"...WTF?
Anyway, after several days of me crying he said, he had'nt meant it, he was just feeling a bit low-to ignore it basically.....but how can I ???? I see the way friends husbands look at their wives- a mixture of adoration and wonder, yet he looks at me with something (I feel) akin to disgust.I have to confess I begged him not to do this, and now I hate myself-I have no self esteem...
Where do I go from here? Any ideas? I don't want to split-it would destroy my kids......
Is this related to the fact that a/ his mother died suddenly 4 years ago while he was out of the country-he's never got over it...
b/his only brother is suing him over his late mothers' estate...spuriously..
c/his father left home after a string of affairs when he was 7
d/me..not being good enough-apparently I didn't support him over his mothers death....(actually between you n me she was an old bag-lady type(I'm not exaggerating here..her house was like something out of life of grime)who lived in a world of her own and hated everyone)
Answers on a postcard please......any advice appreciated as I can't talk to my family or friends..they don't know anythings wrong...I can't face any more heartbreak if he comes out with this again in the future...how on earth do you break the news to your kids that you are splitting up-if indeed thats what we do....how can I convince him that I still love him, when he is convinced I am having an affair(I'm not-never have, never will..don't believe in it...) he calls my mobile when I'm in Tescos etc to see why I'm taking so long etc....he spends a lot of time away with work so therefore I must be having an affair because "All women do"...!!!!

[samantha1974x]

If you have read my thread, you will see all my problems started when my partners dad died. There are a few of us on here in the same situations.

Whether its depression, or whether its mid-life crisis .... im non the wiser, but mine too told me he didnt love me, hadnt loved me for ages, and was in love with someone else.

Weeks later he was telling me he did love me, just not the way he should. Was confused etc etc etc.

The last week (as you know from your post on my thread) as been awful and this is now 2 months down the line.

I dont really have any great advice to give you, as i dont know whether im coming or going myself at the moment, but there are some fantastic people on this board who have really helped me while they are all going through the same things themselves.

Keep posting as it really does help. I know its helped me more than anything!

Sam xxx

[outoftheblue]

HI SRM,

So sad for you and sorry you are in this situation. Your story sounds so familiar to mine and many more on this site. Happily married man loses a parent and hits mid-life and they go off the rails.

My H left suddenly in April a few weeks before our son's AS exams and our 20th anniversary (which I had been hoping to celebrate with a party and holiday!!) Totally out of the blue I knew he had been depressed after his dad died in the previous July and he would have been 80 in April, but also due to over work stress and continuous working away. He also confessed to seeing someone else..............He had never ever looked at another woman not even sneaky looks at topless women on the beach so I really didn't suspect a thing. I have never believed it was aserious relationship I just think he was looking for a friend/solace at an unhappy time in his life. She on the other hand should have seen his vulnerability and backed off.

I have maintained all through this that he is depressed and acting out of character. I know he's not a womaniser and his marriage was and is very important to him. Pressure of life/work/etc have led him down a path seeking happiness which isn't there and he hasn't known who he is or what he wants. I have vowed to stick by him and wait for him to come home to us and he knows this.

I am currently hopeful, see my other two threads and very very long posting on Absolute Quandry that he is starting to 'see the light' and wanting to sort himself out.

If you read my threads and see any similarity I would guess your H is having a MLC and depression (but don't mention the D word to him) brought on by work and death of his mum. If you are sure you still love him and think that deep down he still loves you then offer your support (impossibly hard but you will find it will give you strength knowing you are being a good person and a good wife in your h's time of crisis).

You have been together so long and if during most of that time you have been reasonably happy then i hope it is just a blip that with time and maybe some professional help he can get over and see his life with more clarity. You could even suggest that you too would like to go off round the world in a boat and maybe it's something you could do together in a few years when the kids are older. From the way he is chopping and changing his mind it sounds like he wants a change but doesn't really know to what.

Stay strong and stick with him - like I have come to realise and have had confirmed by my H just today (6 months after he left me devastated) that this isn't about you or your kids or even your marriage it is something going on in him which he needs to reconcile without trashing his life completely which I' sure he'll regret in the future.

Cxx

[schoolrunmum]

Thanks guys-really helps knowing its not just me in this situ! OOTB,I'm fairly sure it's not "me" thats the problem..but he doesn't..You always lash out at those closest to you, don't you? it's easier than seeking help or even admitting you have a problem. My big problem, is that he doesn't think he has one! He thinks he is fine, its the rest of the world that isn't !! He hates everyone,everything...he gets back from work, sleeps,then lies on the sofa ranting at the TV/Radio/newspapers all day long ...I find myself praying that his football team wins otherwise a foul mood follows..ditto any bad news in he media-it'll set off a rant about how crap the world is....oh, and all women are like Heather Mills...marrying a man for his cash then screwing him to the wall financially!!!I'm clinging to the wreckage right now, hoping tht when these court cases over his mums estate are over the man I married might come back-if not, I don't know what the future holds..I just know I don't want to spend my whole life with someone so negative,as I'm such a "glass half full" type of person...I don't want him dragging me down too...........C xxx

[AnnieP]

Its a stage schoolrunmum. I too was in the exact same situation as you and outoftheblue. When he hit me with "I don't love you any more" and I then found out about the brief affair, his anger and agression towards me were appalling. He is such a quiet passive, kind man, yet he unleashed furies at me the like I have never seen. It was all my fault, I was everything that was wrong in his life and he had always hated me (this increased in time the longer he stayed at home). He swore at me, called me terrible things and really hurt me with his verbal tirades. As soon as he moved out and I got my equilibrium back, I realised he was just lashing out randomly, saying things which he knew would hurt. There were very few based upon any kind of truth. The ones that were, I have worked hard on.
After 8 weeks of this awful situation, coinciding with when he left and he moved onto his next stage, sadness. He got very down and would weep on the phone during our weekly calls.
4 weeks ago I got a "sorry for putting you through all this" when he came to stay for the weekend. A pretty feeble apology admittedly, but at least an acknowledgement that it was HIM putting ME through it, not the other way around.
Now we are getting along as friends and he is seeking out my company, so he simply cannot hate me. He returns home in 3 weeks (gulp).
Schoolrunmum, stay focussed and calm. Continue to smile, go out and do things without him. Do not be needy or upset when he is around. It is simply not attractive and will push him away. Give him glimpses of what he is throwing away, and more importantly, look after yourself here.
xxxx

[outoftheblue]

Fabulous advice Annie - at the stage our H's are at they just can't cope with needy and certainly can't provide emotionally for our needs at the moment, so it would push them further away.

SRM stay strong and hold on to the faith that if you can stay focussed on the end goal (him sorting himself out) he will realise this is his issue and not yours. Don't engage in rows or recriminations or say anything you will regret. Treat his 'tantrums' as a symptom of his own inner unhappiness that he cannot deal with so is externalising these emotions to try and shift the focus. Step back and concentrate on showing him how good a wife/mother you are and get satisfaction and pride from the moral high ground. None of us are perfect and no marriage is either but do not allow his present unhappiness to cause a long term rift which will be harder to bridge.

I know it is so easy to say, but start doing this just to get through each day with your sanity vaguely in tact and it will gradually become easier to do and believe in. If you can remove any pressure on him and keep yourself going if not for you for your children he will eventually notice and admire/love/respect you for it. How long that takes is anybody's guess, but in the meantime you will have grown stronger and shown your children and your H how much you love them and are prepared to work at keeping the family and marriage together.

You can do it and we will support you until you h is able to do so again.
Cxx

[schoolrunmum]

Don't know why girls but I really need all the help I can get right now!! Today, I have had the most overwhelming feeling that he is seeing someone else...I can't put my finger on why, theres' no change to our situation , and I haven't found any evidence pointing to this it's just a feeling I can't shake off today. He doesn't do any of the usual like hide his mobile, it sits out in the open free to ring whenever..no problem there, ditto with emails..we both access each others mails, as he works abroad a lot I need to read them in case its urgent..so nothing there either.We have joint a/c so I can see where the cash is going easily..its just a feeling thats hit me today- SOMEONE TELL ME TO GET A GRIP!
I'm only hurting myself with this one.....and I know if he rings from New York I'll hit him with MY insecurities and potentially start off a long distance row!I think it all stems from a call on his mobile yesterday (which I answered) from a woman who said she was calling about buying his mothers house, and the fact that he accidentally left the house for work early today (cocked up his report time) and in my fragile mental state putting 2 and 2 together to make 5!!!Tell me I'm being daft please!!!!!

[outoftheblue]

I would love to tell you, you are being daft but of course you know I can't. There is only one person who can confirm or deny this and you're right it would be wrong to ask if he is currently working away.

Women's intuition is a powerful thing, but can also be falsely set off when we are feeling vulnerable. Of course you are reassured by no obvious signs of an ow, but then in your fragile state the call about the house sparked you off. Has he mentioned an imminent sale, if so do you know the names of the buyers? Could you ask him about the sale with some carefully worded questions which might put your mind at rest. If he has no current buyer................. Obviously the woman could be genuine - she would have had to have been very quick thinking to come up with such a plausible reason for ringing, but worse case scenario an excuse given to her by your H if she called and he was out. And not wanting to worry you, but if she is an ow wouldn't she have known he was in New York? Is he a pilot and does he always fly with the same crew?

We all let our minds run on and it is understandable for you as he has come out with some weird stuff lately and you are looking for a reason. There may be a reason or he may just be feeling weird hence his dissatisfaction with life.

Don't do anything for now, you may regret it later and you really have no proof. Sit tight and try not to obssess. Great advice from me I'm a serial obssesser and know it only makes me ill. Focus on your kids or some mindless tv and try not to worry.
Cxx

[jools]

Like OOTB I can't tell you one way or the other. All I can pass on is my own experience. I remember when I suspected my H - with no real evidence other than a "gut" feeling. I felt stupid and paranoid at the time - despite being told to trust my gut feeling. I have since learned that a woman's instinct is very powerful and often accurate. Everything that my gut told me was right. I hope in future that I learn to trust my instincts. In my case, instinct was 95% of the truth.
Jools
________
PRILOSEC DEATH (http://www.classactionsettlements.org/lawsuit/prilosec/)

[schoolrunmum]

Well I found it hard not to bring it up on the phone...he's back from JFK tomorrow so i think I will bite the bullet and tackle him over my hunch...will let you all know the outcome....SRA xxx

[jools]

Unless you have any proof he'll most probably deny it and make you feel as though you're being paranoid. If there is anything going on, your expressed suspicions will also lead him to cover his tracks more carefully. Is there no way you could do a little checking yourself before confronting him?
Jools
________
FISTING GERMAN (http://www.****tube.com/categories/570/german/videos/1)

[schoolrunmum]

Hi Jools..I'm afraid to say I've always been the suspicious type..and he knows it!! To be fair he doesn't hide his mobile or anything like that-I'm free to answer it, and of course chk all the txts! We also share the same passwords on our email a/c so I can easily chk all that stuff. As I said, It's nothing I can base anything on-just a "feeling" I have. I also regret to admit that I go through his suitcase/flight bag when he gets back from a trip-nothing, and he really isnt organised at all...he once met an ex girlfriend for lunch (at her request as her relationship had failed) and thought I'd be upset so invented an excuse as to where he was going to avoid a row..then foolishly left the receipt for lunch in his trouser pocket for me to find!Maybe (amateur psych moment alert!)I'm just trying to find a reason for his craziness right now....maybe there isn't one.....who knows....

[schoolrunmum]

OK girls-where do I go from here....
He's just got back from jfk, and I've had a rummage through his bag to set my mind at rest. Sure enough, I didn't find anything suspicious.....apart from a beautiful diamond solitaire ring! And matching earrings! Now these could easily be for me for Xmas..he did say he was going shopping when I spoke to him the other day.He will go crazy if he knows I looked in his bag, but do I just sit tight till Xmas-not sure I can......thinking of accidentally "falling over" his bag so that everything falls out.....

[callow]

I was just reading this and thinking of the scene in "Love Actually" were Emma Thompson's character finds some jewelery in her husband's coat. She assumes it is for her Christmas present, but instead she gets a CD.

If you really fancy the jewelery yourself, mention that you found them. If they were not for you then he will have to give them to you.

I must admit I never looked for any evidence. I stuck my head in the sand. Once my H told me about his affair I did go looking. I found a note in an book from her. It made me feel sick. Afterwards I used his credit card and bought a lot of lingerie for myself.

[schoolrunmum]

OK..just a quickie..he got up, unpacked his bag and said "Look what I got Elle for Xmas!"And produced the ring! Phew....he said it was lovely, and he said I could have it if I really liked it but I declined.Lucky Elle says I...wait till you see what else I got says he...but you have to wait till Xmas....maybe it is all in my head after all....
I asked him outright if he was seeing anyone else...which he vehemently denied, and said ok,why the lack of sex then ???What with my shoulder? He has a broken shoulder and its getting him down) Finally admitted today that maybe he needs "happy pills"...

[outoftheblue]

Sorry who is Elle and is a diamond solitaire ring appropriate. I assume it must be as you haven't freaked out!!

May be it is all in your head who knows, but at least he is admitting he is down. Don't forget if he is doing a lot of travelling the jet-lag will mess him up and nursing a broken shoulder would exacerbate the feelings. Suggest he see a dr just to talk through hs current turmoil not necessarily to get happy pills.


Take great comfort that he is already buying Christmas presents, shows amazing foresight in any man to do so in October, but also that he is happy enough to be looking forward to Christmas.

He may just be hitting the classic MLC and feeling a bit down on his life, no need to assume the worst and thank goodness you didn't accuse him of anything. He showed you the ring unprompted which must prove something, he didn't have to quickly come up with an excuse etc. Must be genuine surely.

[schoolrunmum]

Sorry-forgot to say Elle is our daughter!!!! She is still rather young for the ring, but having said that he bought her a beautiful necklace for her first birthday ...he has always had this idea in his head that he won't live to a ripe old age, but will die before he gets to buy her some nice jewellry to remember him by so he's doing it now.If he want to spend money on her why should I worry..it's a nice thought.Your right too-he showed me unprompted..so it's a good sign...

[AnnieP]

good news! I AM pleased for you!

[schoolrunmum]

Still not all roses in the garden though..he said last night he feels we have been living separate lives for more than a year. He's right..as I saw him sink deeper into his "depression" my way of dealing with it was just to get on with things...house still needed cleaning,shopping to do,kids to collect etc....I carried on as normal.Don't know what I sholud have done instead, but apparently this had the effect of making him feel "excluded". Me and the kids, against him....We would go on days out in the summer hols, and would ALWAYS ask if he wanted to come, but would decline saying "too busy" and then would sulk and say he felt left out...we don't need him he says, he's just some bloke who pays the bills................thinking of trying some counselling from Relate..has anyone tried this???I just know if the counsellor is female he will assume she will take my side and not bother going......

[outoftheblue]

I can really relate to what you say about living separate lives. I think it is part of our modern way of life and probably the reason for so many marriages failing. I don't even know what the answer is.

I too saw my h becoming busier with work and too busy for family life, he used to be there to help with everything but as his career took off he was away more and more and I just had to do the jobs he would have done as well as the other ones. If it needed doing, I was the only one there to do it and it certainly didn't seem fair to save up jobs for him to come home to.

I felt it was my role to take pressure off him, to free him up to follow his career which after all provided for us and I told him frequently how proud I was of him. Realise now he didn't say how proud he was of me for doing everything re home and family he just took it for granted, I used to think that gave him peace of mind knowing he could trust me to cope, but from what your H says maybe I've got that all wrong.

It brought it home to me recently when I was talking to our son saying how much he must miss his dad and I was sorry things had turned out this way, but he surprised me by saying it wasn't really much different, as for as long as he could remember his dad had worked away so his life wasn't that much different now he had gone permanently. I was really shocked and saddened by this because although it is true, because he rang every night and came home at weekends I never really felt he wasn't there, he was always such a big part of our lives and I thought about him all the time conciously and subconsciously, I never really felt alone. The weeknights were just something to get through until he came home at weekends. Someone else pointed out that since my H stopped coming home for bath and storytime with our son, as he started to work longer hours and our son grew from stories to latin vocab etc. I have really brought him up single handedly and I suppose if I'm honest that is true.

I always thought my H was such a brilliant dad and he was when our son was little. Then the working away and our son growing up meant they really grew apart and my H now doesn't know how to relate to him as a teenager and again that has probably made him feel left out in his own family. Also hard knowing deep down it was his choice to work away and that he has sacrificed a good relationship with his son must be hard to come to terms with.

Your H does sound like he's depressed and crying out for some attention. He must know you guys need him, i do think counselling for him or both of you would be a good idea. I haven't done Relate, but plan to try something with my H if he comes home. Although we both agree there was nothing wrong with our marriage, this episode is about him and his view of himself and life etc (whilst denying it is MLC or depression!!!). I think acounsellor that can cover more then just marriage issues would be a good idea as from what you say your H's problems seem more related to him than just his marriage.

Just try and keep communication going with him and listen to his fears/feelings it sounds like what he needs at the mo.
Cxx

[callow]

There seems to be a common theme here: men who put their work lives before family and then wonder what it is all about.

My H was just the same, work always came first. He never put aside time for the children's nursery school plays, sports day etc. He was also frequently travelling around Europe and overseas so I just had to get on and cope on my own. He also did an MBA which took up all his free weekends and evening time. The family life and marriage collapsed.

He is very distant with the kids although I do know he loves them dearly. I don't think he had much mothering or fathering himself. He was mainly looked after by an young mother's help.

[schoolrunmum]

So true girls...I thought I was doing the right thing by letting him get on with his stuff,whilst the effect it actually had was to make him feel unwanted/needed! I too have more or less brought the children up alone.In fact when this all blew up a few weeks back, one of his complaints was "I don't like the way YOU are bringing the kids up" Sorry, I thought there were 2 parents.....
It's not entirely his fault, his father left home when he was small, and his mum treated him as the man of the house.Expected to change exhaust on family car at 12!!His father would pop in out out of their lives,and rewarded achievements with cash.Hie remembers being (the youngest)chosen for the school rugby team -his dad promised to come and watch, failed to appear (too busy shagging !) but sent a fiver instead-so thats' where he gets his idea that you can throw money at a problem from.I know the ring he bought Elle cost around £1,000 (she's only 9!). She would rather he spent time with her. she's stopped kissing him goodnight as "He will only shout at me for interrupting what he's watching".Sad, sad,sad.................

[schoolrunmum]

Just had a wonderful half term break in Cape Town as a family..nearly didn't go as 30mins before we leave for Heathrow he starts ranting about how awful it will be for him, how little sleep he will get etc...so I said ..OK we'll cancel then! No, its organised now-you might as well come....He only lost his rag once, when the hotel wouldn't let us have the kids in our room, they wanted us to book a second room...so he lost the plot then..but overall a good few days..
We sat watching whales at Hermanus over a few drinks and he has the cheek to say "Your much more laid back when you've had a drink, you know " I replied, "No, you are-which means can relax a bit" Oh..I knew it would be my fault he says.....Still..a bit like the old guy I used to know back for the weekend!!!!!

[samantha1974x]

schoolrunmum - Hows things ?

[schoolrunmum]

Hi Sam.. oh,you know, good days,bad days.....he's just back from 10 days in Oz, and the break does us good.Has a shoulder op on 11th Dec, so off till end Jan/Feb.
We had a friend stay with us recently as he had found out his wife had another man, and to watch a marriage disintegrate at such close quarters was harrowing to watch ..I think it brought home to both of us the enormity of a break up ,and made us both see we are a long way from that point. He really seems to be trying, there are just so many things about his life that are not right. Hates his job, in constant pain, grief over his mum etc..... so still hanging on waiting for the sunshine again .....you???