Husband online affair

[lonelygirl]

I've been married for 12 years to who I thought was a loving man. I discovered that he has been carrying on an online affair with a woman. I retrieved his e-mails to her and he professed that he loved her. What hurts me the most is that he called opur marriage a "sham" even though he states that he loves only me. What should I do? My first inclination is to e-mail this "other woman" to get more info about the affair. I am so hurt that I feel like running away. Please help.

Lonelygirl

[Kate]

Sadly, you're not the first person to have posted here with on-line affair problems. It's all too easy to strike up a relationship through chat rooms that draws a person away from their marriage. Why not check out our section on internet affairs (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/marriageclinic/cyberaffair/) and on affairs (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/marriageclinic/infidelity/) in general.

Sooner or later you're going to need to talk to your husband, but I can understand that the pain seems so bad that you want to run away from it. Walking away without talking to your man won't solve any problems, they need to be faced, but you might find it helpful to think through your feelings and reactions. I find writing things down often helps even if I never show what I've written to anyone. Then my feelings aren't in control when I speak to soemone who's hurt me - I'm in control instead.

It may also help to think beyond your feelings to what you really want to say to your husband and how much your marriage means to you.

I really hope that you can find a way forward through all this pain and heartache.

Kate

[Lonelygirld]

Dear Kate,
Thank you for responding to my post. I approached my husband via the online "woman". I sent her an e-mail message where I asked three questions (along with a few other things) -- How long was the affair? When did it start? and Did she have sex with my husband? She forwarded the e-mail to my husband, who promptly called me. He wasn't sure if I'd would let him come home. He did confess to the online affair. He even took it to the next level by arranging to meet this woman during one of his business trips to the west coast. He said that he did not have sex with her and that he was trying to end their relationship, hence that was why he told her our marriage was a sham.

I was every calm and rational when he and I spoke over the phone. I told him to come home so that we could talk face to face. We did talk at great length and I told him that I took my marriage vows seriously and that he has destroyed my trust. We both had a long cry. And I told him that I now see him very differently. He said he would spend his life making it up to me.

My question to you is this- How do I get on with the marriage?

[Kate]

I would suspect that one of the hardest things will be to face up to the pain and loss that you have gone through. You will have tough strong feelings and they won't go away straight away. Most experts acknowledge that it will take time and patience by both of you to rebuild trust, but that it is possible to do so.

One of the first things that are needed is to begin the process of forgiving him. That involves recognising that he has hurt you badly, but choosing not to hold it against him and not to exact revenge from him. I notice he says he's going to spend the rest of his life trying to make it up to you. That won't in the end lead to a very healthy relationship. It's right that he should try to make amends, but not for ever. There will come a time when you will both need to put a big line under it and move on. The events will still be there in the past, but they won't have any power over you and your marriage.

Forgiveness (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/marriageclinic/relbasictopic/forgive/) is a process, because you have to make a decision to forgive, but then you have to live it out, day by day, when the pain and anger come back or the doubts set in.

At the same time you need to work on rebuilding that trust. You might both like to read an article (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/marriageclinic/relbasictopic/trust/) on this.

A friend of mine who went through something similar told me, she made up her mind that her marriage was more important than the hurt and she wasn't going to let anything shipwreck it. She kept on facing the pain, found ways to let her husband know when she was hurting and what she was struggling with, without blaming him for it and tried to love him as she had before. She tried to love him the way she would have wanted to be loved if she had done the same thing wrong. She also found someone they could both trust to share it with so she could have a safety valve when she needed it.

I hope that helps.

[lonelygirl]

Dear Kate,
Thank you for links to the articles on trust and forgiveness. I can easily apply it my life/situation. I do value my marriage and I love my husband. I will have to deal with issues of trust and forgiveness on a day to day basis. On days where I feel doubtful I plan on communicating those feelings to my husband.

[kugs58]

Hi I know how you feel. My husband and I have been married for 23 years. In May of this year I found he had been having what he calls cyber sex on line with people he doesn't even know. I was devastated. I read the conversations and I was shocked. When one woman asked if he was married he said NO. (He actually pretended I didn't even exist). My husband was diagnoised with diabetis fifteen years ago and our sex life completed disappeared, but I was okay with that because he said he no longer had a sex drive. So I figured at least we had trust and I knew he loved me. No I've lost that too. I just can't get past this. He has appologized. He is trying hard to make up for what he's done but I can't let it go. It just hurts too much. I've spent the last fifteen years taking care of him and he does this to me. How do you forgive that?
Does it ever get better?