5 loveless yrs now good but there's an affair

[Bewildered_2]

Hi, After 5 loveless years of marriage, we became great friends these last couple of months. When I wanted to spend more time with my wife, I discovered something was wrong. She explained that she had been having an affair for eight months. We are talking, honestly but her relationship is still on. She does not know what she wants from the marriage except for two stable parents for our daughter of 7. Every one says give her space, but that is exactly how this whole situation started. Her friends became more important, and home life was a drag. It was only after she went on vacation that I realised how much house work she did, so now I do most of the laundry, split the cooking and deal with the dishes when I see them. This is what maybe brought us together in a relaxed frame. My wife started jogging and reading self help books, she became really fun to be with. But now there is the affair, what do I do? Is it stupid of me to say that I love her so much I want her to be happy even if is not with me? That leaves me to sort out my life on my own. She says right now she needs me as a friend. It seems odd for me, but I stand by her. For years I was jealous of guys when we were out on the town, I am dealing with that using something Freud called "guilt projection". It may be too late for me. It is my own fault for being an idiot. I started having one night stands, but nothing I believed would seriously affect my relationship with my wife, when I felt we could not nuture our relationship.

[louise]

Hi bewilded ty for ur reply it makes a lot of sense but looks hard right now to ignore the anger its impossible even , i feel so gutted i know with time it will improve its all raw still for me . I the same has u feel some guilt for things i did wrong in the past its part of us all being human we make mistakes its the forgiving thats the problem hun .
Ur wife obviously forgived u to a degree about ur past and decided to move on i am presuming she knows sorry u cant blame urself right now in this part of ur lifes it looks to me u did nothing wrong , i ask myself the same question do we love them r just afraid to be alone hun ? . Ty once again tc . Louise .

[Bewildered_2]

I am getting more and more confused. My wifes boyfriend is married, his marriage is on the rocks because his wife has a boyfriend, they have kid too. My wife hardly ever sees him because his wife arranges her schedule so that he is always at home. Now I suspect that my wife is projecting her emotional attachment on to me, when it is not me she is interested in. Has anyone ever heard of this? I think I need therapy. I really have not got the energy to back on the market and nor does she. She is happy to have a stable (was stable) homelife and a boyfriend for excitement. It just kills me being alone when she goes out to see him and I am left thinking that all the emotional bonds we have been building are a lie, or are they?

[kittynu]

I have read your posts, Bewildered, and they make me feel very envious. The way you are willing to let her be herself, and accept her despite her flaws, and not try to change her or condemn her for her choice regarding the affair, is just... great. I often wish my husband could be as understanding as that. He caught me with another man (compromising position, we didn't have sex), and since then I've been feeling so trapped. I care about him, (I no longer use the word love) despite his flaws, and I care about his happiness. However, it often feels like he does not care for mine. He started smoking, he drinks, and gets violent (not directly at me), and he will not allow me contact with my 'friends'. He's jobless now, and all these only push me further away.

You build yourself to be better, even through all that, and she might realize what a fool she was. They say, if you let someone go, and they come back, they were always yours from the start. Except people don't usually accept them when they try to come back, because they may have done 'unforgivable' things.

I continiously have to lie to him, and I hate myself for it. Whenever I try to talk to him and tell him the truth about my feelings, he would be very non accepting. I've come to realize that we're very different, and it keeps pushing me away. I know I am doing 'wrong' things, like I still keep contact with the other guy, because he offers me so much comfort. And again, the realization only makes me feel more pathetic at myself.
In a time like your wife's, what I want is a friend. I cannot find that in my husband, and constantly struggle with myself about what I am 'allowed' to do. I no longer trust my thoughts and my feelings because of this, I ask why I cannot just talk to my friends. I know he does not trust me, and that I deserve that, but it doesn't make it any easier to accept that you cannot be yourself, because yourself is 'bad'. The fact that he is not improving himself or changing the way we communicate makes it feel even worse. As if, he is better than me, even though he's doing so many things I usually would not tolerate.

Your wife is very lucky that you are feeling the way you are. If you can remain friends, I think the future is negotiable. When the other guy doesn't fall through, she'll be able to talk to you still, and if you still want her, and are friends enough that you can accept her back, it could be great again.

Be strong, Be yourself, and a little bit more...