My wife had an internet affairs

[regainyourlove]

S3Ev2T , psnnylvrmwru (http://psnnylvrmwru.com/), gldjuddvkvzy, http://cnknqzmkyruv.com/

[Monty]

99CKSG , pyrqyepqtyjr (http://pyrqyepqtyjr.com/), ecqdvfnsacsf, http://ohqaarluajym.com/

[asdfljkasdf]

lcLArJ , eqrstqncjshk (http://eqrstqncjshk.com/), fuupcbgzbaaq, http://fhgejxuwmgdw.com/

[Saddened]

Hi there,

I found out some weeks ago through text messages that my husband was having an emotional affair on the internet. I told him if he wanted things to work to stop any communication with her or our marriage is over. So he deleted her off his profile and told me it was over. Today I found he had set up another profile a fake one to speak to her and I feel gutted just wanting to know what emotional attachment this woman has with him and is this ok is it acceptable now a days, is it I that is being too paranoid. The texts were very graphic and very upsetting but he said its the norm ........... please help if you can.:(:(:(

[Raymond]

It isn't okay these days. It (internet) is causing 20% of all divorces including porn, whereas only ten years ago it didn't figure in the statistics.

If one is married you don't start flirting with the opposite sex and being graphic. That is what is happening and those who do it are deceiving themselves and their partners. It is being unfaithful in little ways that can gradually open you up to a full scale affair. If they play with fire they will get burnt and unfortunately their partner suffers as well.

Marriage is more precious now than it ever was. Those who are faithful to each other in this climate reap tremendous rewards in their lives and their childrens.

Raymond

[Too trusting]

hDJnZi , lnqqdrixbgfr (http://lnqqdrixbgfr.com/), uwojueeleais, http://zepbiamgxmeq.com/

[AlexsDaddy]

D5h0hy , llcgmqpmfnwy (http://llcgmqpmfnwy.com/), zxopxhahofyw, http://wlddrprstwjh.com/

[HurtSoul]

TInuUP , ufrjhbjfrfyn (http://ufrjhbjfrfyn.com/), bvcfrzowkwrg, http://abctxkwetbmi.com/

[Cheatedspouse]

eEB8sj <a href="http://zinqqcylxdsv.com/">zinqqcylxdsv</a>, jegoucsfjwce (http://jegoucsfjwce.com/), nqfmmxslvyyd, http://trrgytomgozq.com/

[jjj2]

RkitsN , qipvgfmzhyzh (http://qipvgfmzhyzh.com/), azjzmmxfvbdv, http://ouqmdjyypdvu.com/

[Raymond]

You are giving all your own answers. You know what is right so what is stopping you breaking it up? You know you are not honouring your husband and cheating on him. You have to take authority over yourself and have self control. If you don't you will very much regret it later as you said yourself. Adultery is a nasty business, not glamorous although it may appear that way to start with. That is just a deception. Run from it while you can. Be drastic and cut it off. It may be difficult, but once done you will have a peace about it.

Raymond

[jjj2]

I suppose if |I could answer that question, why am I not breaking up from it, I wouldn't be in the mess I am in.

Granted its a self made mess and one I take full responsibilty for. Its certainly not glamarous and the highs and lows of emotions I go through on a daily basis are exhausting.

I can sit here now and type and be objective and promise myself again I will stop this nonsense. It serves no purpose am hurting my family , myself and probably him.

I know ultimately it is a matter of will power, of knowing that it is wrong and deceitful. I am not proud of myself , most days if anything I am desperatly unhappy and wish I could turn the clock back.

Ultimately there is a point you arrive at where you have to take responsibilty, were the difficult decisions have to be made and I am aware of that. Knowing that and letting it go are two different things.

Thanks for your time and your advice anyway .

[Raymond]

You have got it bad if you cannot even break it even though you know you should. Reminds me of Pauls words "the good that I will to do, I do not do, but the evil I will not to do, that I practice" Rom: 7:19. You can read what his answer was which is the answer I found as well.

I think your husband would most certainly be hurt if he knew. I think you have to concentrate on the trigger points that keep leading up to it. The keys you type into your computer. The thoughts that come into your head. I think if you are really sincere in wanting to stop it and your own efforts fail, you will have to confess to your husband. Better that than if he found out. Once he knows you can work on it together with far more power. Two are better than one for if one falls the other will hold them up.

In a sense it is no different from coming off drugs or pornography. The same priciples are involved.

Raymond

[jjj2]

Thank you again Raymond

I don't really have anything to add, I guess I have as you say all my answers. At present I am just worn down with the emotions of the whole thing.

I know that by even coming here and typing its part of that need to have reassurance that its the right thing to do.

In principal, I know its as simple as changing habits not going on the internet etc. The actual depth of loss I feel at having to extract this person from my life is immense. I know each day will get easier and each day more of my old self will emmerge from this tangle I have gotten myself into.

[Raymond]

Be reassured of your assurance that it is the right thing to do jjj2. There is no doubt about that in my mind. You know that as well deep down.

You may feel a depth of loss in ending this thing but in reality you will be making a big gain in peace, self esteem, safer marriage, happier children, knowledge that you did the right thing etc. etc. etc.

You are caught in a web of deceit and are in danger of spiralling out of control if you stay in this much longer. Your feelings are a liar in this matter and are not serving your wellbeing, this chap or indeed your husband. Right decisions produce right feelings in the end. Do the right thing and your feelings will follow. There is no loss in doing the right thing and it is the right thing.

The battle is only in your mind. If you win it there you have won. If you don't win it it has you, not you it. I'd finish it quickly if I was you. If you need help confess to your husband. That will concentrate your mind beautifully and clear the air.

Raymond

[Cheralyn]

My husband of 19 years had an online affair last summer with a woman half his age and 3000 miles away - he'd met her previously on a course and kept in touch - it soon became out of control and he basically shut me out of his life and became a person I didn't know anymore. He said it was 'safe' as he wouldn't be in physical contact with her but he basically fell head first in love and it harmed our marriage big time. I'm still not able to put this into the past and move forwards I recently found pictures of her on our home PC that he'd put into recycling but ommitted to deleat - was it because he forgot or couldn't bring himself to do so - too many questions with no answers - I'm 18 years younger than him, not unnattractive and in pretty good shape, now I feel ugly and rejected and don't feel like I will ever trust him or forgive him - we are still together but who knows whilst I feel like this I can't really face the future.

[Raymond]

The only hope I see Cheralyn is in your husband being sorry and making it up to you and hopefully regaining your trust. It won't happen without some kind of repentance and acknowledgment of the wrong to you. That would then give you the problem of extending forgiveness. If this can happen it will still take a time for your trust to be restored. Trust is the thing that takes the longest to build up but the quickest to break.

Raymond

[Cheralyn]

Thanks Raymond, he has shown that he is remorseful for causing me so much pain and hurt and is now making more effort to make it up to me and shows no reall sign that things are still going on with the other woman. However, there is a demon inside of me that now and again tells me that he is still up to no good when he is at work on his PC there and away from the home. If it had been just a friendship I could have coped but he had a full blown emotional affair outside of our marriage. I know I have to move on if we are ever going to have a chance and although I think I can eventually forgive him I'm not sure I will ever forget.

[Raymond]

That is the battle now Cheralyn. The battle to regain trust. He is doing his best it seems but this always takes time. No, one doesn't ever forget but one should also be careful not to keep going into playback mode as this works against your forgiveness. This is what is really meant by forgiving and forgetting. It is interesting that you said a demon in your head. That is truer than one would think, but you have to resist it and learn to trust again. If he does his part as well you should be able to get to that place over time. If you don't get to the place of fully opening up again there will be something missing in your marriage. There is an element of risk but it is a risk you must take if he is being genuine.

Raymond

[Cheralyn]

I think you hit the nail on the head in that the openess hasn't been there for a long time. He kept secrets and still I find it hard to get him to open up to me about how he feels. He could open up to another and that is what grates upon me so much. I know that there is a missing part of him that he managed to find for her and that person is the person I had long ago and want back and I know now that I won't ever have that again - it saddens me a lot. I do go into playback mode a lot and that also has so much negativity so it's time to lighten up, stop brooding and what will be will be I guess. But it's easier said than done. Time is a healer they say well bring it on

[mr broken]

I just found out my wife has had an affair on line. To some this might not be considered an affair but I see it as one. This is not the first time and after it happened last September I was made a promise that it would stop. I had found a secret myspace page poems of how in love she was with this man and saddened it would only be fantasies. I love her very much and I recognized I might have pushed her to this by not been the best husband (paying attention) as I could have been.

I have tried very hard to be that since then. I found this last week text messages from her to a guy that has the same name as the one she feel in love with. She claims it's a different one and I tried to track his cell phone # but it's a work phone. I am driving my self crazy with this, I tried to step back and after a while did not check up on her but she was doing this at work. I grew suspicious when she turned her computer at work around so the screen couldn't be seen and got a privacy screen cover. She has admitted to having a secret e-mail account and chatting with people even sending pictures (I hope they with clothes). I know she has received pictures from these guys and I don't know what to do. I was ready to leave and I can't partly because I know I am also to blame but also because of my two kids.

I am desperate for advice, it's affecting all of my life. To make it worse I'm not getting that since of regret after she knows and saw the kids and I saying good bye crying. I decided to come back and give it one last chance, am I wrong for doing this? we've been married for 15 years and she has helped me through some very difficult times in my life. I'm tired of feeling this way, you are not the only one (to originator of the topic)

[Raymond]

Something very wrong here Mr BG with your wife flirting with these others online. It shows a lack of respect and a division between you. This is quite serious as it is a kind of mental adultery. You need to have a good talk with her but you are weakened because you believe that you weren't giving her the right attention. You may be right but this doesn't make the flirting right. I would have a good talk with her about that and the lack of attention you feel you have failed in. Some really straight talking is the way forward I feel. If this flirting goes on much longer she might not be able to help herself.

In what ways specifically do you feel you have failed?

Cheralyn I thought you said your husband was trying hard to make it up to you. Now you are saying he is not being open. Has he never been open or is this just since this affair? This secretiveness is not a sign of one trying to make it up to you. Or am I wrong. Then you blame yourself saying that you lost what you had before. We are all getting older. He is as well. I find marriage keeps the spark regardless if there is respect and love. I don't think you should blame yourself for his lack of openess. Sometimes it is easier to open up to a stranger because there are no strings, no comeback. Opening up in marriage is far more fruitful. It is hard for us men but we must do it if we want to grow closer to our wives. Who wants to be married to a stone? He has a lot of work to do it seems if he is trying to regain your trust.

Raymond

[HardLuckHusband]

Sy7tVb <a href="http://zzrdwbzfapbl.com/">zzrdwbzfapbl</a>, cwjnuwaultwo (http://cwjnuwaultwo.com/), nicvbpcuhpnf, http://xhneduekmvwn.com/

[Raymond]

Well done HLH. Something to learn for all in that.

Raymond

[nicole]

My husband and I got married in april 2007. not even a week after being married I find that he had been keeping a relationship with a previous girlfriend via emails. they are countries apart. when I confronted him and let him know that this was the kind of thing I would leave him for, he told me he was just being stupid, that it did not mean anything. But relationship continued in the form of phone calls, and text messages (she was definitely calling him and texting him, even though he had stopped. I asked him to please reply or call her back and let her know (in front of me) that he did not want to be bothered anymore. I was expecting his child. the stress of the situation, i believe is what caused the miscarriage a couple of months later (june). so He finally called her in august (yes this continued to august) but I was not around to hear what he had to sayand he told me that he told her everything i wanted him to say and more. and she never text or called again. except via emails. she has been indirectly sending emails to mass people and he is on the list of friends.

I am pregnant again and as we were checking his email together, i saw that she had forwarded another email to him. I asked him to please send her an email back saying to stop including him in her contact list and to stop sending him emails. I am not jealous. but I feel that he owes me that respect. He got really defensive and yelled at me and told me I was wrong in the head and that he was not going to waste his time writing her because he was not interested in her. So we had a big fight about it. I feel that he should show me and prove to me that she is not important and that I am to him. How am I supposed to trust him if he does not rebuild the trust? it feels as if he is protecting her when he should be protecting me. I am his wife. So why would he not make me happy and show me that there really is nothing for him to protect. What gets me is that he has never told her to stop or to leave him alone in front of me.

[Ageing Grace]

One of my famously unpopular responses, I suspect:-

First off, I admire the searing honesty most of you have expressed in this thread - cheaters or cheated, you are already better people than you think, to have written so clearly & truthfully :) Thanks for sharing. You could always sign up to this forum, and get some helpful feedback.

Most regulars here know I spend my entire life on the internet. I was chatting online by 1992, before there were any mass-market web browsers, and have simply moved on with the medium. I make websites for a living and - as I currently live in an isolated place - all my social life happens online, too. I'm telling you this because I notice a weird thing happening when people talk about "internet cheating".

The Web isn't something that exists all by itself! It's a medium. Like magazines, newspapers, the radio, TV, old-fashioned letters and the phone. The last two are the most important, because they're two-way communication (include radio if you're on CB).

If you, or your partner, were spending hours on the phone having intimate conversations with a 3rd person - would you be asking strangers if it's OK? I suspect not. Yet that did happen when the telephone was first introduced - lots of exchange operators made fortunes out of blackmail! - and Victorian out-of-marriage love letters still fetch high prices at auction, they were so hot.

Yes, those Victorian letter-writers did get in a carriage, on the pretext of visiting their sick aunt, for a weekend of passion with their correspondent. Yes, the telephone did prompt a million affairs - and many disappointments, for it was the first 'anonymous' medium - and, yes, the Web's dual potential for freakish honesty alongside utter deception affords even weirder opportunities to anyone that cares to play. It won't go away. It will only get more complicated - because the players in it (people) are, infinitely, complicated.

Many of you have queried your own contribution to your relationship: very commendably, I feel! Self-examination is always useful, though we have to be pushed to it. Some times, that examination may lead to the painful discovery that we've been a rotten partner; so rotten that our would-be loyal loved one becomes vulnerable to the (seemingly) understanding stranger.

If that's the case with you - great. You're in for a bumpy ride along the road to self-discovery, and everyone here wishes you well :) We'll even prop you up when you stumble.

If not - I'm sorry, but the other guy's journey, above, is a walk in the park compared to what you must face. It's this: very, very many people - of both sexes - suffer from a bottomless need for admiration. This is very sad for them. People desperate for approval/love/admiration attract bloodsuckers like cadavers attract flies. A person who, maybe in their distant past, learned that they would not be loved as much as they needed - continues to crave love/admiration/etc (they can't tell the difference), well into adulthood and without discrimination.

If this rings even a tiny bell with you, your enemy is not the internet. It's the impossible, unfillable need your partner feels. The people purporting to fulfil it (online and, later, in person) are either users or fellow sufferers. Don't judge them, you'll only be wasting your time.

Can you fill that need? Nobody can. Even the rejecting parent (or whoever it was) couldn't fill it now; it's too late. Ideally, your partner wll somehow come to a realisation of their own predicament, set about resolving it, and end up happier & more secure with you. Now and again, this does happen - as a result of meeting the online crackpots - but I wouldn't bank on that :confused:

What to do? Well, forget about blaming the medium. Start asking why s/he chooses to use the medium that way. "What's wrong with us?" is always a good start.

If the answer is all about what's wrong with you - then review those accusations; find some reliable others to help you question them; take improving action if needed and if you have strength.

If the answer is about what's lacking - listen! What does Mr/Ms anonymous-on-the-web provide, that your partner craves? Is it reasonable? Can you provide it, or are you looking at a bottomless need?

Often, a frightening life change - like bereavement, illness, unemployment or family shock - needs answers which simply aren't available at home. In such a case, you'll probably help everyone by joining in the online sessions - or, at least, sitting to one side with an open mind :)

Sometimes, sadly, there is nothing less than a huge gasping need - and the internet puts the right (wrong) people in touch. If this is what you find - think carefully. And good luck.

Please, don't confuse the medium with the message! The internet is no more malicious than the phone or the post: it just carries messages. If your partner is on somebody's joke list - even if that somebody is an ex - it's just a joke list, not a personal assault. Quite likely the ex doesn't know how to edit their joke list, even if you asked them to :rolleyes: Repeated emails from a sex site don't mean your partner subscribed to it (the unsubscribe links never work for those sites). Just mark it for immediate deletion & forget about it.

I apologise for this absurdly long post! Just had a lot to say, that probably should have been said in pieces ...
We're on the Web now, aren't we? It's not all bad!
AG :D

[Raymond]

Nicole it is sad to hear of your situation. Your instincts are correct. You are owed faithfulness and trust in a marriage. He should cut off all contact with this woman, especially becaue of the previous relationship they had.

What I want to ask is if this is a part of a set or group he is involved with and not particularly her? Is cutting her off cutting himself off from the group? It is right that he severs contact with her in my view. You are his wife and that certain kind of intimate relationship should only be with you and no other. I think he is palying around with fire and I only hope nothing comes from it.

Raymond

[Hilary]

Thank you AG for the full but useful post.

I have to agree with your summary bit - is it that the person who is using the internet this way fulfilling a reasonable need, or is it a bottomless pit?

We all need to feel significant and have a sense of connectedness (get Anthony Robbins recordings or attend his events - and no I don't get anything for promoting him, he just has some really good content) and if we don't love ourselves and get no sense of significance and a strong enough connectedness with our marriage partner we'll look elsewhere - most of us do it in a healthy way, but some, sadly do it in a destructive way.

So a useful question is "How can WE provide a healthy sense of significance and connectedness for each other?"

[Ageing Grace]

Raymond, I think you're overblowing this.

... they are countries apart. .... and she never text or called again. ... she has been indirectly sending emails to mass people and he is on the list of friends... she had forwarded another email to him. ... he has never told her to stop or to leave him alone in front of me.

The ex, who is distant, is forwarding jokes to her joke list. This really is meaningless. Asking someone to cut you out of their distribution list is often ignored (probably because they don't know how to) and can definitely make you look paranoid.

I understand that Nicole wants to see some concrete evidence that her husband severed contact. But she accepts that he stopped the phone calls, texts and personal emails.

The ex may well have her own agenda - or she may not. By simply receiving mass-forwarded email, her husband is not in any way encouraging such an agenda. He can always mark her as spam.

Hilary, thanks for summarising my ramble so succinctly :cool:

AG

[justfoundoutmyself]

Hi,

I've just found out that my wife of 15 years has for the last year been having an internet affair.

Unfortunately I found out by her telling me she was leaving me for him. All done and dusted. Yet she's trying to make me feel bad, even though she says she just became bored with the marriage.

I never thought anything was wrong, we were happy, she was happy. But it seems that she's been leading a double life on the net, and I'm now no longer important in her life.

Perhaps if I'd found out, we could've discussed things, but I was never given that option. Convicted without a trial!

I trusted her. I trusted her to talk to me if we had problems. Now I no longer know my wife. She's not the person she was, not since I've found out what she's been upto on the net.

Perhaps if I was a bit more computer literate, I may have found some clues. But then again, I never suspected, and wouldn't spy.

If she had met him first and got to know him first that way, then I could perhaps understand the logic, but this is a grown sensible woman who has taken some remarks on a discussion group and enveloped them, and developed her own 2nd life.

Sorry to hear everyone else's stories, but at least you've made me feel less alone in my situation.

[Ageing Grace]

Oh how awful for you, JFOM - what a shock this must have been for you, and how bizarre!

If she had met him first and got to know him first that way, then I could perhaps understand the logic

The reason why online dating agencies are successful is because of the lengthy correspondence participants exchange before meeting. Essentially they're writing letters to each other (obviously I don't know if your wife did this) - a fantastic way to get to know somebody. Personal letters have been a strong love potion ever since writing was invented.

It seems very odd that she's upped and gone, without any discussion. You had no clue at all? Won't she even negotiate with you now?

With sympathy,
AG

[justfoundoutmyself]

oQZGF6 <a href="http://cjsepmwsnuig.com/">cjsepmwsnuig</a>, tnggkljauqum (http://tnggkljauqum.com/), ovnvgfinlorg, http://wdcpsndvrdio.com/

[Son in distress]

etenNr <a href="http://ctgnvowciqak.com/">ctgnvowciqak</a>, lurimzegvpbs (http://lurimzegvpbs.com/), tcvbugtxzjzt, http://kxxvdynwkzfu.com/

[nw_guy]

Why not disable the broadband for a while? ;-)

[Ageing Grace]

Phew, Son, this is always a tricky one! I once saw my Dad out with a woman he shouldn't have been out with - my Mum doesn't know to this day, but I made sure Dad knew I knew. Since then I've read more advice about what to do. Doing nothing is one option, but would you be able to live with that?

Disabling his connection isn't a bad idea in the short term, but your Dad is likely to realise you've clocked him. From there, I guess you'll have to play it by ear. The problem here is that you're not in the right position to play counsellor, neither are you detached from the situation. However he responds - angry; guilty; sorry - it will affect you because you are his son and his deceived wife is your mother :(

Another approach could be the old "Friend of mine" ploy - ask his advice, on behalf of a 'friend' who's just discovered his father is playing around online - and see what he says.

If you know he's been doing this for ages and has lots of online connections, then he has probably become addicted to his activities and it is unlikely he will stop on your say-so. If you found something more like an affair, it might burn out of its own accord. Your parents might just be going through a bad patch. Can you open a conversation with your Mum, along the lines that she doesn't seem too happy lately, and ask if she & your Dad are going OK?

If you're old enough, this could be your cue to leave home! Then you can let your parents' drama unfold, and offer support to your Mum in your own time.

One good idea is to phone Samaritans. They will give you the opportunity to discuss your dilemma in detail, and help you come to the choice that's right for you.

Good luck
AG

[Son response]

4EACP1 , hbaligbakwdo (http://hbaligbakwdo.com/), jaymorsudtlo, http://zmmmgnpvfpha.com/

[1aokgal]

Dear Son..

You are not here to parent your parent. I know you see that he is behaving inappropriately but it is not your business to intervene. We have to hope that he has integrity and loves your mother and right now it is a novelty and nothing more.

He must be a good father because you sound like a fine young man with your head on straight so he achieved putting some values into you. Now..you could come straight out and say you noticed this and were worried about your mother and hope it is just a curiousity. He might tell you to mind your own biz and he might be embarrassed to have his hand in
the cookie jar. You and I do not know what goes on in the bedroom with our folks but frankly, it is not something that we have a right to know. It is their marriage and they have to make the decisions how they will live it.

What you know now is dad is human..and curious... and the pot still has steam as he is interested. You have enough to worry about to make good decisions for your own life. My mother and stepfather did things and made mistakes that I would not do as an adult BUT it was not my place to direct their lives. This seems to be a burden and you may feel responsible for your mother, but in this case, you are not. It was a good suggestion that you talk with someone outside the home about your feelings. Maybe you have anxiety that the home will be insecure?

Certainly, it is not your place to be a whistle blower. That will boomerang back to you.

[Raymond]

I think you have a point Son Response judging by the internet activity. As his son I would bring it up definitely. When things are in the open they take on a different perspective. As a father with teenage sons I say go ahead. Sons are wonderful in getting right to our consciences. Go ahead and talk it out with him I say.

Raymond

[Ageing Grace]

I'm well impressed with the Death of a Salesman link. Your Dad's lucky he has such a bright son (I hope he sees it that way, too!)

1aokgal's points are perfectly valid but this is the kind of situation one has to negotiate one's own way round - unfortunately.

Good luck with your discussion of the play. If he doesn't get it right away, you can start calling him "Willie" ;)

Added:

Like most dating sites, Ashley Madison allows free guest users but a subscription fee to contact anyone, or to post your own profile. So your Dad could have been window-shopping. However, if he has signed up ... they offer a "100% affair guarantee" :eek:

Of little comfort to you, probably: it is legal & above-board, not some cheesy porn site or one of those slummy chatrooms.

I just realised that, since you know which sites he's using, you can block them specifically.

Edit the computer's Hosts file - if you don't know where to find it, here's the wikipedia: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hosts_file

Either add entries like this:
127.0.0.1 ashleymadison.com - which will route the computer's requests for that site back to the computer itself (your Dad will see the "could not be found" message)

or like this:
84.45.45.135 ashleymadison.com - which will route the requests to this site :D


All the best,
AG

[Ageing Grace]

I just thought one or two of you might be interested in this thread about affairs in Second Life. For the record, I agree with the residents who say a relationship IS a relationship - even if it's played out using puppet avatars!

https://www.xstreetsl.com/modules.php?name=Forums&file=viewtopic&t=95548

(Not the best English in those forums, but many residents have a different first language)

[Sunflowerlady]

I wanted to write, because I have been on the other side of this fence, and I thought my story might help people know how this sort of thing starts. Last year, I had just moved to a new country, where I knew no-one. My last relationship had ended 2 years before, and my children had left home; it was the first time in all my life I had lived alone. I made a passing reply to a comment made on You Tube by a widower. (I was living in France, he was living in Florida - far enough away to be safe!) We exchanged a couple of emails, in which he was basically telling me how devastated he still was from the death of his wife, 5 years earlier. In all my friendships, I tend to be the 'shoulder to cry on' so this was normal for me, and I didn;t think anything of it, just sympathised. Then I got an email from him, telling me that he had actually had a child with a much younger woman, less than a year after his first wife died, and had married her because she was pregnant. I wasn't 'attached' to him, but to be honest, I thought this made bull**** of all the tragedy and undying love stuff he had been writing about his first wife, and I didn't reply to it. About a month later, I got an email from him, asking why I hadn't replied. Perhaps if I hadn't been down with the flu at the time, I wouldn;t have answered that one, either, but I did; thinking I had perhaps been judgemental, and anyway, it was none of my business; I just made a polite reply, and left it at that. Well - from then on, he was emailing me all the time, and it was natural to respond. I work from home, he was emailing me from his office, so we were both online a lot. It really was just friendly stuff, swapping music vids, jokes, etc, and I thought nothing much of it, it was just like any other 'faceless' communication, and helped pass the time. I certainly wouldn't have thought of getting involved with anyone I had only met online let alone developing strong feelings for someone 5000 miles away, who was married, and I have never worried about having friendships with men. I liked him, he seemed caring and kind, and made me laugh, and I thought he was 'safe'. He then asked me if I sounded like one of the joke old biddies from Monty Python - so I gave him my phone number, to see if I did. It was a joke; I thought I would put on a weird voice if he called, and make him laugh. I didn't expect him to call, but he did, a couple of days later. We began emailing more and more, and exchanging more personal information (this stage took about 3 months, from the first comment on You Tube.) He seemed a very 'good' man; very family orientated, a little old-fashioned. We had some very interesting and heated exchanges on the subject of politics etc, coming from opposite sides, we seemed to bring out the best in each other, and although he was never critical of his wife, bits and pieces of information began to filter through - that he had married her on the rebound, that she had faked being on the pill, so as to become pregnant when he told her that he did not want a long-term relationship with her, that she had hidden the fact that she is on medication for a serious mental disorder, that she has a violent temper, that the bulk of the care of not only their child but of her other two from previous relationships as well fell on him ( I actually heard her screaming at him to come and get them, when he was at work, and she was at home, because she didn't want to deal with them,) that he had to cook, shop and do any cleaning, as well as working fulltime, that he had had to cut up her credit cards, because she had run up over $100,000 of debts, that they didn't have sex any more, that she spent most of her time sleeping on a sofa, and had put on over 100lbs since their marriage, that she insisted on having her two cats in the marital bed with her in spite of him being allergic to them, that he was forbidden to mention his first wife because she was jealous of her, that his two sons by his first wife had to leave home because they couldn't stand her...but above all, what came across was that he had never recovered from the loss of his first wife. I am a counsellor, and used my skills to try to help, because I felt sorry for him, but also, I felt sorry for his second wife, having to live with a 'perfect' ghost, and told him so, advising him to do all he could to make her feel more secure. I was concerned because I felt I was getting emotionally involved, and spending a lot of time with this, but I didn't want to make something out of nothing, by mentioning it. I have to say, I never felt guilty. Our emails weren't flirtatious; they were kind, and fond, like those shared betweem dear friends. He had shown signs of being almost suicidal when we first became friends, and I felt I had done some good; I also felt (and still feel) that a marriage of convenience should not be a prison. There was a hurricane near where I live, and we were without water or electricity, but he phoned me, and was reassuring and kind, when I felt very frightened. Then there was a serious crisis in my family, the sort that you can;t share with anyone who actually knows those involved - but i could share it with him, and he helped me so much, when I felt incredibly alone. Eventually, the first thing either of us did in the morning was check for each other's emails, and confessed that the thought of each other was keeping us awake at night. We were like a couple of 16 year olds. At this point, we finally admitted to each other, that, ridiculous as it seemed, for two people 5000 miles apart, and nearly 50 years old, we were falling in love with each other. It was quite terrifying for both of us, but we couldn't bear to give each other up. He said I was the only bright thing in his life, that until 'me' he had simply been waiting to die. It felt a little like going insane! By this time, he was getting up in the night to drive to his office and call me first thing in the morning (for me) and would then go into work at 7am (my 2pm) and we would talk on the phone for a couple of hours, then email back and forth constantly until the end of the day; he would then call me to say goodnight'. At weekends, he would call me - those two days without contact seemed to last forever. We decided that once he had "got all his ducks in a row" as he put it, we would be together; and he even started looking for somewhere for us to live, so he could still have regular contact with his daughter. I had cold feet about that - no offense, but I have never wanted to live in America - but it seemed the best thing for his little girl and him. By this time, he was being more frank about his wife - about her always screaming and bitching, some of which I overheard when she would call him on his cellphone. We didn't have phone sex until about two months after we had both admitted we loved each other, so this wasn;t a 'lust' thing. Well - this routine continued for months. We were in daily contact; 'sharing' our lives, long-distance. But I was seriously worried about the situation. He was very committed to his family, which I liked, but it was not a good situation for me, to be living my life around his family, as well as around a different time-zone. I didn't know how long I could take it - it's not a good feeling, to be last in line, and I knew it was doing a lot of damage to me. The more I heard about his wife, the less I liked her - and I didn't like disliking someone who I didn't know (if that makes sense.) She is clearly quite a sick woman, and it made me feel mean, to resent her. Then he decided that he would prefer to join me, here - which would have meant him having very little contact with his daughter, and this seemed wrong, to me. He was much more confident, by then. No more endless talk about how he missed his dead wife, no more crying on the phone about how downtrodden his second wife made him feel. He was in terrible debt, and tried to sell his house to clear these, and so that he would have some money left over to bring here, and when it was discovered he was in negative equity, he became very dejected, whereas before, he had been cheerfully making plans to settle things there, sell up, and find work here. He had wanted to leave and not look back, knowing that he had made provision for his daughter, and suddenly, this wasn't possible. By the end of the summer, he had settled into a routine of all this contact with me, and discussing his family problems with me, but once he knew he couldn't simply walk out and not look back, something changed; this was no longer like talking to my long-distance lover; this was like talking to his wife's husband, but a husband who kept his nose clean outwardly, while also professing his undying love for me... and expecting me to be available whenever it suited the family schedule. For the first time, I caught a strong whiff of hypocrisy about his attitude toward it all, and began to dislike both of us, at times. I felt as if my life was on hold, and I was often hurt and jealous, but I loved him very dearly, and I wanted him to do what he believed was right for everyone. Then his business folded, and he had the internet installed at home. One evening, about 2 hours before he had been going to call me, i got an email from his wife, telling me that if we didn;t stop all contact, he would never see his daughter again, and would be homeless. (Actually, I think that was a vile thing to say - the relationship between a parent and child should not be used as a weapon to control someone.) But anyway, I called his cellphone, to warn him that she had contacted me. She had got into his emails and read the lot - all 14,000 of them, sent over a period of ten months. Eventually, he answered his phone. He told me that he was with his wife, and she now knew everything, that he realised now that he loved her, and that he felt much better about things in his life generally now, and it was all over between us, and he would not reply to any further emails from me, or accept calls. I was stunned. I just asked "is that really how you feel?" and he said it was. There was no more to be said, so I put the phone down, but he called again, a couple of hours later, to confirm what he had said. I asked him why he had kept the thing going all those months, if he loved his wife, and he said "because I couldn't say goodbye to you, I loved you, I needed you, you made me feel alive again, like a man instead of a mealticket, you were addictive, it made me feel good. But I've got a child, and if I leave Amy I will never see my baby again." In saying goodbye to me, he didn;t have a single word of kindness, or respect, or apology for the hours which I had spent in contact with him, or the many emotions we had shared. In fact, he then said "having feelings for you went against everything I stand for," as if I was something unclean. He told me the 'deal' they had made, which was basically that he was to have no further contact with the outside world, in effect, in case he strayed again - but then he emailed me, from his wife's email address, signing himself by a very private nickname (I replied telling him to get lost). Three weeks on, I am left knowing that this was a very needy person, who managed to lie to his wife, and to me, but most of all, to himself, for almost a year. I was also needy - alone, and homesick. This love affair was very real, all-consuming, and completely devastating, because it was doomed from the start - and we both struggled to explain away our feelings in a way which would cause least harm, at the beginning, but we genuinely loved each other very much, until the cold reality of the situation hit home. I know that he was at rock bottom when we first knew each other, and that it was mainly due to the effect of his marriage, and that contact with me gave him the confidence to get back into his marriage, and still keep the outward show of the upright, righteous church-going man intact. The marriage wasn't a happy one, or even a bearable one, but I gave him the necessary shot in the arm to help him deal with it, and was then discarded. I fully understand the need to keep the marriage going, for the sake of his daughter, but the 'goodbye' could have been less cold, and should have come many months earlier than it did, and not be dependent on his wife giving him hell about it. I know that if she hadn;t found out, I would still be tied to late night calls, and endless emails, and an emotional attachment which was going nowhere. I am hurt, but more than anything, I am angry, at the waste of nearly a year of my life spent listening to his problems, when he could then sit with her on his shoulder and say he loved her after all. So for all those who wonder, that is how these things start, they are 'real' in the emotional sense, and this is how they end. All the hurt doesn;t belong to the spouse who is cheated on. Sometimes, no matter how much you fight it, (and we did) circumstances conspire to create intense feelings, and the internet fosters these, because you can say things which you would never say, face to face to a stranger. I firmly believe that good people who are married to people who are loving, caring, supportive, good-humoured, and sexy, do not find themselves in the depths of depression and in need of an internet affair. I am hurt, but I am free now, from a situation which made me deeply uncomfortable, but now, because she doesn;t trust him, along with the problems they were having before, he is not allowed to go out to work, or have a cellphone, or his own email address, or even to go to a shop, church, or in fact, anywhere, without her. They live in an isolated house in a rural district, she has now taken on a job which involves her being away for four days and nights each week, so he will be entirely alone except for when the children are home from school. This is no life for anyone, although it is typical of the personality which emerged from his anecdotes about her, and I wonder how long it will be before he is desperate again? If and when, I won't be there - but I daresay someone else will be. I am sure there are people who 'play around' for no good reason, but mostly, people try to stick to their vows until life becomes unbearable. A miserable marriage is soul-destroying for everyone in it, including the children on the marriage, and when the unhappy partners seek comfort elsewhere, they spread that poison to others. In retrospect, I should have refused any contact with him whatsoever, before becoming emotionally involved; that's the tidy solution, but how exactly would anyone phrase that? "I'm sorry, you are male, so just in case we fall in love, I won't reply to this joke email which you have sent" perhaps? Easier said than done; and when you have become friends, and become aware of just how unhappy a person is, how do you reject that person, if you have a heart? In my case, although he lied, and I was officially the 'home-wrecker', the root cause was a woman who lied, and brought an inoccent child into this world in order to trap a man who was out of his mind with grief and loneliness, and then, having got her feet under the table, made him thoroughly miserable. I don't see any sign of 'love' in that behaviour, or in threatening to separate a child from her father forever, simply in the name of ownership. So, before blaming the internet, look very hard at what was happening in your marriage before the affair, because believe me, apart from the risk to children, THREE adults get hurt, not just one.

[Ageing Grace]

Niamh, did you read the amazing post by Sunflowerlady (2 above)?

I'm gutted that I missed it earlier; it's one of the most affecting stories of almost-infidelity I've ever seen.

Can you identify your husband - feeling displaced & homesick - with Sunflowerlady, feeling all alone? How about this other girl, using excessive flirtation to boost her sagging self-esteem like the American guy in the story?

As long as your husband DOESN'T still feel lost; doesn't feel the "need to be needed" by her - there's nothing to suggest he hasn't knocked his silly escapade on the head before he did much damage. You do need to check this out with him. Is he feeling comfortable in Ireland now, is he doing stuff he enjoys, is he surrounded with love?

It'll be nice to hear back from you.
AG

[ladyj]

I have to say its good to know I'm not alone. I started talking with this man online about 4 years ago.we have never met because we are way to far apart. we have talked on the phone some. Some how we have become addicted to each other. We have to talk to each other or the other one becomes sad or worried why the other one is not on. He has become extremely jealous of who I talk to while online and when I am out. He keeps saying we will be together someday and that if he can't have me no one will. To be honest, I am scared of him and hes talked of violent things about each others spouses but for the life of me I can't stop talking to him. I've tried to stop numerous times and always end up going back. he knows I want to stop and can't. I just don't know what to do. I know this is insane and not healthy but its a lot harder to stop than ypu think. I feel if my husband and I had a good marriage I could stop with the other man but we don't. I just want to be normal again.

[chosen]

You have to stop, you have no choice. He sounds as if he may be a bit paranoid, jealous and maybe even dangerous. I hope that you havent given him your address. or any means of tracing you.
can you tell your husband or maybe even go to see a counsellor and work it through with her so that she can help you to stop? You must know that this is a destructive relationship that is going nowhere,and it is also damaging 2 marriages.
Find other thing to fill your time.

[Raymond]

I thoroughly agree. It will be destructive in every way including adultery. You have to cut it off. If it is really that addictive set yourself time goals. Like I won't go on for a whole week. something that you can manage. Once you can do that you can increase it, but you must fight this thing. Can you not work on your marriage?

[chosen]

[QUOTE=chosen;60595]You have to stop, you have no choice. He sounds as if he may be a bit paranoid, jealous and maybe even dangerous. I hope that you havent given him your address. or any means of tracing you.
can you tell your husband or maybe even go to see a counsellor and work it through with her so that she can help you to stop? You must know that this is a destructive relationship that is going nowhere,and it is also damaging 2 marriages.
Find other things to fill your time.I think you need to go cold turkey. Do it now today. Cut off all contact, block his number and his e-mails.You are being unfaithful, and so is he.Your marriage will never improve while you are focusing on this man.Focus on your own husband and your own marriage. Put the time and energy into that, that you are now putting into this wrong relationship.

[Gaston]

Oh no..
not a great story..
I would advice in your position to do s.th. else than being mad..Simple as it sounds it can be helpfull to refresh your cupboard (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cupboard) with new clothes or travelling to the coast.
Have a look (http://www.fashion4home.co.uk/)

[Chamomile]

I read sunflowerlady's post, which is worth reading.
To reply to her last question, I would say,
a married man is a strictly off limit, to my mind.
"YOU" don't try to rescue him. You will only be adding
more destruction to his ailing marriage.
Plus, I doubt "he" will give you much respect in a long run.
Your post suggests that.
You break the rule, you pay the price.

[1heartbrokenlady]

You need to stop doing this, if you haven't already, and I hope that you have.

Believe me, the fallout from this can and will be dreadful. Please do read through my thread/posts.

My H started off doing the same, and it progressed further, which has been absolutely heartbreaking for me. You will see from my thread how much damage it has caused.

Of course I realise that there may be issues within my marriage that need to be addressed, but nothing major. My H has just suggested we go to relate to get some help, which I am pleased about. I love my husband despite what he's been doing- i can not switch off my feelings for him.

Both my H and I know that we have far more to gain by trying to work at our marriage, and don't want to lose what we have. We both want to get back to where we were before all of this- being happy together, sharing our lives and love for each other.

wishing you the very best
hbl- Sy