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djh
15th December 2001, 04:40 PM
I hope someone can offer me some advice.
I got married last year to the girl i've been with for 7 years. Its been very supportive and happy. I work abroad regularly which I cant see as helpful but it pays. Anyway, I got back from a 10 day Athens job only 4 weeks ago then a day later we just stopped talking. She told me she wasn't happy. This silence was driving me mad inside. At her xmas do I just snapped and left to stay at a friends house. She has phoned and we have met once to talk which felt positive but shes staying at her mums now. I feel that we need to sort things out now but she doesn't want to be rushed. I have taken this fairly hard and can feel myself backing away now. How can I begin to sort things out. I don't want to scare her away but at the same time I want to do something. I really want to make the marriage work for the long term. To my knowledge no-one else is involved by the way.

Kate
17th December 2001, 04:52 PM
It certainly doesn't seem unreasonable to ask your wife to tell you what is upsetting her, or to give you some idea when she will be able to do that. Are you both good at communicating or do you easily get into an argument? If you want to read some tips and articles on communication, you could look at the Relationships Basics (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/healthclub/relbasictopic/) area on the site.

Is there any way you can reassure her that you just want to listen to her and understand how she's feeling in the first instance, so you can both think things through? Would she let you take her out to dinner or for a drink if you promise to take things at her pace.

Is your getting married the only thing that's really changed recently? I wonder if it's not turning out to be quite what she expected. Sometimes when a couple live together (which I assume is what you meant by being together for 7 years), they find the adjustment to marriage difficult. If something else has changed then it could have triggered something for her.

Best wishes

Kate

djh
19th December 2001, 11:59 AM
Dear Kate,

Thankyou so much for taking time to read and reply to my plea. My wife and I talked openly last night for the first time in almost eight years of being together and almost all of that living together. Yeah we've always talked but not as openly as either of us needed. The piece called 'Runaway Wife' could have been written with our names in it!
I know now how neglected she's been feeling. I've always been there for her and always loved her but I could have shown it in a more caring and helpful way. She's always been there for me and I took it for granted.
Now we're separated my head feels like its in black clouds.I feel empty without her. I can really understand how sad she has become and its so painful to know that she would carry that pain rather than upset me with it. I really am ready to make the changes needed to keep this marriage alive and help it grow. I can only pray my beautiful wife will throw my a life line.

A lonely at Xmas Dave.

Kate
20th December 2001, 11:36 AM
Dave,

Hang on in there. At least you have had the courage to face your mistakes and are prepared to change.

Michelle's advice in that article (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/articles/walkwife/) from Divorce Busting is very good. Sorting out problems can be painful and scary, but if you can win through together it's worth it.

The team here join you in hoping and praying that your wife will also have the courage to respond to you and give your marriage a second chance.

With very best wishes

Kate