Love

[kid]

I;m married, but very unhappy. I've been married for 12 years now, but it feels like it's been 25. I keep giving myself both physically and mentally to my husband, to get nothing in return. I do everything for him, and feel guilty when I don't have the time to. I feel used in the bedroom. He doesn't like to have the lights on, I even lost weight to make myself look better to him. It doesn't seem to matter, he just wants to hurry up and get it over with, he wants to do it all the time, but I never recieve any satisfaction out of it.
I cry myself to sleep at night, I know there is no one else, but I can't take working full time, doing the house work, cooking the meals, cleaning, taking care of the boys. my house is a desaster most days, I don't have the energy anymore to get the house the way I want it. I have tried talking to him about the way he is treating me, but he doesn't see a problem and that I have PMS or something for me to think that. For one, I'm one of the lucky ones that don't get PMS, and it makes me feel really small that he can actually think that. The problem is, for along time now we have been drifting apart, and I noticed about a year ago that he doesn't wear his new wedding ring, he says it is too nice to wear at work. So I stopped wearing mine. I had met an old friend about 6 months ago, we had seen eachother at a wedding dance. We had talked and danced together, I thought the sky was going to light on fire. I feel so much for this guy, and want to be with him, but how do I tell a poerson that doesn't think anything is wrong, that it's over.

[Kate]

Dear Kid,

Is it really over? Sometimes a marriage can be a very painful place to be, but finding someone new doesn't always solve the problems. You move on with hurts and baggage and can easily get drawn into making the same mistakes or new ones the second time around. Your kids need their own mum and dad who love them, if that is possible.

First of all, why not have a look at your own life and priorities. You are obviously under a lot of pressure - waht can you do about that? Ask your self a few questions - do you need to work full time/or even at all? Is there anything you can do to build up your self worth, which can take a battering in an unhappy relationship? What is really important in life? You might like to go and talk this through with a friend you can trust to be objective, or even a counsellor (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/marriageclinic/counselling/contactcouns/).

You sound down - if you think you are really depressed or your health is suffering - go and see your GP, check out your diet, make sure your getting enough sleep and exercise. (PMS (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/marriageclinic/diffpressures/personalpms/) is identifiable because it occurs at about the same time each month and symptoms clear up once your period starts.)

Try and start rebuilding your communication with your husband there are a few articles about that in our Relationship Basics (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/marriageclinic/relbasictopic/) area that might give you a few ideas.

One area that often reflects the overall state of your relationship is your sex life (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/marriageclinic/diffsex/), so if you can begin to move forward in your communication things should improve there, but there are obviously some specific issues there that you need to talk to your husband about.

Some men don't realise that most women are like electric cookers, they need time and tenderness to warm up, whereas men are often more like gas cookers - they heat up very quickly. Why not tell him what you need. Encourage him by telling him what he does that you like. You could try creating space and a romantic atmosphere.

It's so tempting to give up on a marriage where you don't feel understood and get involved with someone new who really seems to understand you and meet your needs. Unfortunately every relationship has its difficulties and goes through its times of disillusionment (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/marriageclinic/diffdisill/). Can you remmember what it was attracted you to your husband and what it meant to commit yourself to him in marriage? You still could have so much to give each other and your children if you can only find a way through your problems, one step at a time.