No spark..???

[lambo]

Hello.
I've been married to my wife for nearly 3 years, then the other week I found out she was seeing my brother-in-law. She soon broke that up and said she wanted me and that she loves me. Against my better judgement I took her back and now she's saying their is no spark between us.
All this has happened in the last month. the thing is I can't compete with a new relationship feeling and to be honest I think that when your married for 3 years and you've been seeing each other for over 6 you don't get that mad rush of feelings like a new relationship do ya...?????
please someone help.

[jcb]

Hello.
I've been married to my wife for nearly 3 years, then the other week I found out she was seeing my brother-in-law. She soon broke that up and said she wanted me and that she loves me. Against my better judgement I took her back and now she's saying their is no spark between us.
All this has happened in the last month. the thing is I can't compete with a new relationship feeling and to be honest I think that when your married for 3 years and you've been seeing each other for over 6 you don't get that mad rush of feelings like a new relationship do ya...?????
please someone help.

Sorry to hear about your wife's mistake. I will be praying for you both.

I too have been w/ my wife for over 6 years. We have no spark. as well.

I know that doesn't give you any good advise. I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone in this problem of "no spark".

Edit: Maybe I can offer some advice that has helped my marriage. A book called " The five love languages." It says that everyone has a primary they are looking for to recieve love. If you wife is wanting language #1 and you are giving her #5, then her need isn't met.

1. Physical Touch
2. Words of affermation.
3. Gifts
4. Acts of kindness/service
5. Quality time

http://www.fivelovelanguages.com/learn.html

This book changed my marriage. Now we can see staying together and we are at a certian level of happy if not "totally in love"
Again, I will be praying for you guys.

[AnnieP]

Lambo, Hi! Sorry to hear of your troubles. Most of us are in some kind of similar situation. My H had an affair with a girl 15 years his junior back in June. We have been married 16 years and afterwards, he claimed he no longer loved me and didn't want to be with me any more. We are now living seperately whilst he decides if he wants to continue with our marriage.
The trouble, as you rightly pointed out, is that your love is different from the teenage stuff your wife has been experiencing with the other man.
She is now suffering grief and loss from no longer having it. She looks at what you have got and it is not as exciting, dangerous, thrilling etc. You cannot compete with this. You should not compete with this. What you have is different, not less worthy.
You are lucky as she says she still loves you. Mine doesn't think he does. :O(
If she does, and wants to save your marriage, then you have a great opportunity here.
The book recommended above is enlightening. I have read it and learnt a lot about myself and how I show love, and how I like to receive love (not the same!). It has explained a lot to me about why our relationship may have gone wrong, ie. I wasn't getting enough of what I really craved (although I didn't know this at the time). Possibly this was true for my H.
My H hasn't read it yet, and I can't ask him to, as of course, he is not here and hasn't decided if he wants to make a go of our life.
If and when he does, I will want him to read it too, so I can find out how to show him the love which "presses his buttons".
Ultimately, you have to let your wife get over her loss. This will sound ridiculous, as many many people cannot understand how you can forgive infidelity, unless they have been there themselves. Forgiveness is a gift, it doesn't have to be earned, as many people believe. You do not have to eke out punishments etc.
If you have forgiven your wife for her stupid and wrong behaviour, and both you and she want to continue with your marriage, she will need time to get over what she has done and realise what she has is worth working on. Give her time, and try to not be too needy. Show her you are strong and patient.
Good luck! I've got my fingers crossed for you.

[Too Nice]

Hi Lambo,

I too like many others am in the same boat, my soon to be ex-husband and I have been together have been together 7 years and married for 2. He also felt that the spark was gone in our relationship and went to seek it in the arms of a co-worker, when I found out he said that he didnt love me anymore and missed the feeling of a new relationship and made the decision to end out marriage in just a couple days. This decision I am sure was fuelled by the very exciting relationship he was now having with his co-worker. I told him that the sparks will fade os the months go on and he will see that he has made the biggest mistake of his life letting me go over such shallow, empty, selfish reasons. I thought that I would be bale to recover form my husband cheating, but I truley dont ever think that the realtionship could ever be the same again, the trust is just lost. But if both parties are willing to make every sacrafice and are willing to work at it then there is a chance, I was not that lucky my husband chose to follow the butterflies and feels that he doesnt want to be married and would like to live the eternal bachelorhood lifestyle, every mans dream I know but he is actually going ahead and trying to live it, but that is his choice not mine and I will move on and live a very happy life without him as hard as it is. I honestly dont know what the right answer is for this kind of question there are so many of us in this situation it is frightening it makes me think that people are just not prepared to put in the effort to work on a marriage anymore it is quite sad.
Good luck and I hope things work out better for you than they did for me.

[Topsy47]

Hi Lambo

My husband has left me and his main reason was that the spark had gone from our marriage and he saw me more as a friend. We have been together 10yrs, married nearly 4.

I think when the relationship is going along 'normally' you don't really think about the sparks but when something happens to make you look at your life in more depth, you start to ask a lot more questions. In my H's case, the event was the death of his mother. In your wife's case, its the affair. She is re-evaluating her life and things that she probably accepted or took for granted are now under the spotlight.

I totally agree with you - you can't expect that spark to last forever, or if it does, its not in quite the same way.

Good luck and hang on in there

Topsy

[seaview]

Sorry to hear about your problem Lambo.

I am also in a marriage which has lost its spark...after being together since we were 17 and married 25 years now then its not surprising I suppose...we are trying hard though to communicate better and improve things.Communication is the key I suppose and a will to make it work.

I Have read so many problems like yours.I think that in this day and age its unreasonable to expect people to commit to one partner for life....I think its inevetible that a relationship will run its course and end...sure folk say that you need to work at marriage and that is true but in some realtionships there comes a time when you just outgrow each other I think...its sad but true...sometimes there does not need to be another party involved either.

Good luck and keep your chin up.

[markus]

I can't compete with a new relationship feeling and to be honest I think that when your married for 3 years and you've been seeing each other for over 6 you don't get that mad rush of feelings like a new relationship do ya...?????
please someone help.

Nope you shouldn't have to feel you have to compete or perform like in a new relationship
she's a tramp .. exit the relationship asap

[lambo]

its all over now, after a week of her saying she's sorry and that she'll never see him again and that she does love me......I found her mobile phone bill and she's never stopped taking to him.......TRAMP.!
the only thing is I'm having to stay with her at my house to keep her happy as she said she'll give me 1/2 the money from the sale of my house.
living with her knowing she's still seeing him is KILLING ME.!