confused

[bmws_angel]

I don't know what to do my husband never wants to be intimate with me anymore he says he is impotent I feel he just isn't attracted to me anymore it has been about a month since we have actually been pleased sexually although the other night I caught him looking at porno on the internet that really made my selfasteem hit bottom at first he denied it then he admitted to it and said he didn't know why he was doing it then he changed his story last night after I asked him why he never wants to be intimate with me anymore then he said that he was looking at porn to see if he could get an erection I don't know what to believe anymore and I am so hurt and frustrated I just need someone to talk to

[Kate]

I'm sorry to hear of your difficulties. You've obviously looked at the string of postings from Illusion - perhaps she will get in touch with you.

On that string we refer to the area of the site to do with internet pornography (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/marriageclinic/cyberaffair/). There's also an area on Difficulties in your sexual relationship (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/marriageclinic/diffsex/).

It sounds as if it's a question of the chicken and the egg. Has your husband got some problems sexually and turned to the internet for "help" or has he started exploring the internet and that is causing some problems for you both? Problems in this area of your relationship can be physical in origin, or they can be a sign of things not being so good between you in the rest of your relationship, or they can be due to an outside distraction like pornography.

The bottom line though is that you're hurt and hurting and unsure what is happening and where he stands in all this.
This forum is a place where you can talk and share your concerns, but eventually it will be best if you can find a way to talk openly, honestly and lovingly with each other. Your husband sounds rather confused either by the situation he finds himself in or because he is worried about how you'll react if he's open with you. It may be really hard, but if you can remain calm and try and encourage him to talk to you about what's going on, then you may be able to find a way forward. You'll find that easier to do, if you can believe that your self-esteem is not based on his behaviour and whether he still seems to be attracted to you or has become distracted elsewhere.

I hope that makes sense... and that you can both find the courage to talk and try and love and accept each other inspite of any failings you each may have.

Best wishes

Kate