Cheating husband - can anyone help

[Hayleylou]

Hi,

I have just discovered my husband cheated on me after six months of marriage. I now believe that I have the full truth because he confessed to me everything because I was questioning my own mental state.

I am obviously devasted and I think he has seen what his actions have done to me as a person. He says he wants to fix it and on some level I think I must do too. My question is is there anyone out there who has survived this? How do you do it and how do I put myself back together as a person again, never mind before I even think about this marriage?

[Bewildered_2]

Talk. Don't blame him, that may be unfair. Yes, he had an affair but did you push him to the edge before he left. It is devastating I know, my wife had an affair and I just found out. But after talking with her, honestly and openly, we realised that I had a major part in pushing her away. I should have hurt her with the truth and built a trusting relationship, not to hurt each other. We are working on that now. I don't know if it will work, I know she still wants to see her boyfriend. I am getting on with my life, seeing freinds and discussing her feelings now that I am trying to meet other women for my needs. We have kids so, we want to stay together because we are still friends, oddly enough. Don't hate, don't be, angry, be honest, be the person you always wanted to be, it may save you from hell for all the bad things you never admitted to you husband. Ask him what he wants and be aware that the answers will hurt like hell, but now is the chance to ask all those awkward questions. I don't know if it will work out, but I am having some fun trying.

[1aokgal]

Dear HayleyLou...

DO get angry..do think what you want for the rest of your life. Do NOT think you pushed him to this or it is your fault. That is not true. The guy is a lying, cheating BUM.

Run and get tested for disease as he may have done this more than the time you know about and likely lied that he used protection. If that was me...I am older than you and married a lot of years...I would leave that guy flat. Marriage is a committment, a sacrament and pledge of love and fidelity. He pledged to his Johnson he did not care a fig about you or what you planned for your life and future. I assure you it will never get better from here. This is pure trash.

Cut your losses and leave this ZERO. Do NOT have children with him or put more years into a loser. He has no integrity and is immoral and nasty. I am so sorry for you but this is not an indication of men out there. Find a man who worships your life together and build a decent future. You could not trust this guy out the door. Some men think they have to score and maybe he has a long sexual history. I suspect you were lied to from the beginning and he has always been a cheat. Leopards don't change spots. Move on to a healthier individual. Be the center of his life. I get really bad vibes from this guy all the way.
God bless you. Find a group somewhere to go talk about this and heal. That was a terrible thing to do.

[debbie2007]

Hi,

I have just discovered my husband cheated on me after six months of marriage. I now believe that I have the full truth because he confessed to me everything because I was questioning my own mental state.

I am obviously devasted and I think he has seen what his actions have done to me as a person. He says he wants to fix it and on some level I think I must do too. My question is is there anyone out there who has survived this? How do you do it and how do I put myself back together as a person again, never mind before I even think about this marriage? hiya hayley,i know how you are feeling i have been married 18 yrs with 2 kids my husband has cheated on me 4times that i know about and i always forgave him they really know how to make you feel you are imanageing things i often thaught i was going off my head but today i have found another girls no on his phone he has been calling and i really dont know what to do,just sitting here alone now waiting for him to come home from work to see what his excuse is this time,i know he will cry and beg my to forgive him and promise never to do it AGAIN but i have heard it all before so good luck to you i hope you can work it out,thinking of you debbiexx

[Emily]

Dear Debbie,
We have been married for 23 years and we have a sixteen year old son. Soon after our son was born my husband had his first affair. He has now had three affairs, that I know about, and I found out only this week that my husband has a two year old daughter from one of these affairs. So I do have some idea of what you are going through. My husband always comes back to me and our marriage continues. I live in hope that he will not do it again because I like my home. However there is a child this time and I do not know what to do.

[Saddened]

Hi Debbie,

Upon reading the first comment that bewildered wrote I can't help but feel a bit bewildered being honest. Yes it is his fault as he had the affair, I gave my husband a good home and we had a great sex life . He was not by any way or means deprived of love or affection from me he will even admit that himself. My own experience is that my husband wanted his cake and eat it too, he wanted the wife at home and the bit on the side.

I am seven months along after I found out my husband was having an affair and while we are working things out I just feel that my heart and soul are not in this at all. I hate him for what he did to me, I hate that he made me so angry and felt so worthless and on the other hand I still love him and what to give it a go . I wonder am I giving a go for the kids sake or for mine.

I wish you well with whatever you decide to do but it is a long and painfull road ahead Debbie but remember its not your fault he decided to have the best of both worlds its his.

Saddened

[Raymond]

If he has done something about it there is hope saddened. Really being sorry and repentent can lead to better things but that would also need your forgiveness too for the marriage to thrive again.

Raymond

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[chosen]

Why do you people stay with a spouse who has had 3 or 4 affairs? I just dont get it. My husband knows that if he ever had an affair that would be it. I would expect him to feel the same way about me. if I had an affair (which I wouldnt) I wouldnt expect him to have me back. I suppose that I can understand that maybe a few can try again after one affair, but after only 6 months?
Such a betrayal is for me as step too far, and I know that for me the trust would be gone, and the intimacy would be gone.It would never be the same.
Forgiveness is vital for your own emotional well being, but that doesnt always mean reconciliation. Also never blame yourself, it is a choice to have an affair and betray your spouse. It doesnt just 'happen'as some would have us believe.

Practically everyone in my family has been deeply hurt by their spouses adultery, and most are now divorced. Its appalling.

[chosen]

Hi,

I have just discovered my husband cheated on me after six months of marriage. I now believe that I have the full truth because he confessed to me everything because I was questioning my own mental state.

I am obviously devasted and I think he has seen what his actions have done to me as a person. He says he wants to fix it and on some level I think I must do too. My question is is there anyone out there who has survived this? How do you do it and how do I put myself back together as a person again, never mind before I even think about this marriage?

Can you trust him not to do it again?I must admit that an affair after only 6 months is a BIG red flag.

[bingo]

Forget about your husband ,it's the worst thing who could hapen to a wife ,don't folow what others tell bout forgive and all the bul**** ,they are not in your place ,don't think he loves you ,If he realy did ,he wouldn't cheat on you !! so stop thinking and go ahead for a man who deserve to be with you ,know that even you forgive him and try to work it out again ,he would do the same in the future ,those kind of men are sicks ,I think he knew that girl befor the 6 months ,he always being cheating on you but don't forget that what goes around comes aroud

[Raymond]

If there is repentance forgiveness can restore a marriage. It depends how sincere the husband is. Some marriages can be restored even after an afair. Forgiveness doesn't justify an affair but if you are going to stay together forgiveness is needed not only for the wrongdoer's sake but for your own.

Raymond

[heartbroken-and-lost]

I know what you are going through. I have been married for 7 years and we have three children. I just found out that my husband had a child with another woman but he won't admit it to me. To everyone else he claims it but to me he denies it and even denies that he had a relationship with her. How can I get him to tell me the truth so we can either move on without eachother or try to fix our relationship? I don't know if I can even be with him anymore but I am affraid about my financial situation as he is the only one who works. I cannot afford to provide for my children alone. I am devistated because I have had a feeling about this woman for over a year but he always told me I was imagining it. I hope all turns out well for you. As you can see I am just as lost as you are.

[Raymond]

That is devastating Heartbroken. How can you have trust when he is deceiving you? Until he confesses the adultery to you and asks for your forgiveness how can you move on? The financial thing is a chain to you and is causing you to put up with this when normally you wouldn't.

It seems you have two options. One to put up with an adulterer who hides it. Two to ask for a divorce. Personally I think option to is the better one which you could prepare for through training etc. Besides you are entitled to a certain amount and it might even precipitate him coming clean and confessing his awful unfaithfulness. Option would cause you to live with the lieand be a kind of slavery because of his money.

Raymond

[Layer Cake]

Hello Hayley

I'm sorry to hear what has happened to you and your relationship,

My wife confessed to me that she was in love with someone else but hadn't done anything with him, this was after we had been together for 13.1/2yrs and I had raised her son as my own.
I loved her so much that I asked her if there was a chance that we could work things out, she gave it some thought for a couple of weeks then left, I then found out that she had been sleeping with him for around 6 months, I also then found out it was her 2nd affair, she is still with the same lad and she left back in March 2009, I am still to this day trying to get back on track, maybe I'm weaker than most but all I can say is only you know best, trust your gut feelings they will be right,

Good Luck

Layer Cake

[Heather]

So much pain out there- I have been married 22 years and have just found out that my husband has been in a long term affair with a woman he has been with on and off for 6 years. The pain and confusion are terrible and I am only just (3 months on) beginning to believe that it is not my fault... he stepped over a line. We have just told our children that we are separating - they are 21 and 18 and neither my husband nor I want them to hate him. I don't hate him... we had a lot of years together and although I am hurt, angry, confused etc and we are separating to think things through... I feel sad for him as he is the one that now has to deal with the consequences of his actions. They weren't strong enough to stop him taking that fateful step!
If I'm honest with myself I think he will use this time to be with the other person and will then go to her after both our children are settled at university - one of them leaves home in 2 weeks!
I am going to find out who I am and what I want, and try to heal and be strong. Anyone out there...Hayley Lou - I don't have answers, only shared pain... the best advice I have heard so far is to find yourself first...do your own thing - stop trying to please/reason with your husband and then when you are stronger the solution to your problems will gradually become more apparent. I truly hope it works - for both our sakes. x

-

[Raymond]

I think you are doing the right thing in the circumstances Heather. Six years is a long time. There are cases where there has been a serious repentance of actions but I don't think that is the case here so your actions are perfectly understandable. If you see it clearly stick to it and don't look back.

Raymond

[Heather]

Thankyou Raymond - I am still at the stage of going over and over everything in my head. I worry that I am becoming obsessive in that from the minute I open my eyes in the morning to when I fall asleep I am stuck in a cycle of wondering what my husband is doing and thinking...I think the fact that he is still seeing the other person and currently planning a weekend away with her and her son speaks volumes. I know the decision to separate for a time is right and I am already over half way to wanting a divorce. Still it is only fair to him to take time to think what I really want...if I am to come through this with grace and integrity.
How long will this state of mind go on - anyone know?
Even now I feel guilty talking about my feelings in this thread... sorry Hayleylou... my thoughts are still with you too.

[chosen]

I know what you are going through. I have been married for 7 years and we have three children. I just found out that my husband had a child with another woman but he won't admit it to me. To everyone else he claims it but to me he denies it and even denies that he had a relationship with her. How can I get him to tell me the truth so we can either move on without eachother or try to fix our relationship? I don't know if I can even be with him anymore but I am affraid about my financial situation as he is the only one who works. I cannot afford to provide for my children alone. I am devistated because I have had a feeling about this woman for over a year but he always told me I was imagining it. I hope all turns out well for you. As you can see I am just as lost as you are.

If you leave him, he will have to pay you maintenance and the kids the same.I had to cope when I asked my first husband to leave and you do manage somehow.Ok I struggled financially, and we never had holidays etc, but I could never stay with a man who was cheating and betraying just because of the money.You are worth more than that.

[chosen]

Thankyou Raymond - I am still at the stage of going over and over everything in my head. I worry that I am becoming obsessive in that from the minute I open my eyes in the morning to when I fall asleep I am stuck in a cycle of wondering what my husband is doing and thinking...I think the fact that he is still seeing the other person and currently planning a weekend away with her and her son speaks volumes. I know the decision to separate for a time is right and I am already over half way to wanting a divorce. Still it is only fair to him to take time to think what I really want...if I am to come through this with grace and integrity.
How long will this state of mind go on - anyone know?
Even now I feel guilty talking about my feelings in this thread... sorry Hayleylou... my thoughts are still with you too.

Heather
you are in the very early stages yet, and you are bound to be struggling to come to terms with it. Time does heal, that is so true. You have to come to terms with a big big loss, that is just as bad as if he had died, in fact maybe worse, because you have to deal with the rejection as well.

Its unlikely that his relationship will last. A relationship where one leaves their spouse for another rarely lasts apparently. After all they have both committed adultery. lied and cheated, and so how can either be trusted not to do it again? Also once the novelty of being together wears off, he will probably realise what he has done.
yes do act with honesty and integrity. Both my husband and I did this with our ex spouses, despite what they did, and its good for the children to see that as well.

[Heather]

Thank you Chosen - it is good to know that there is life out there after all the pain... I get frustrated with myself for not 'getting on with it' and seeming to be stuck - but I guess you can't hurry things. I just wish someone would tell me what to do, but I know that only I can decide and I will have to live with the consequences. I don't think my husband has any idea of the pain and devastation he has caused and how it is changing me. I guess I just have to let time and the situation run their course and accept the good days and the bad days. You are so right... it is as though someone has died, a the moment I'm not sure if it is me or him!