Feeling betrayed - am I wrong?

[confused_in_TN]

I have been happily married for 17+ years to a wonderful woman. She recently began taking Karate lessons with a friend (female). Although I have nothing against her taking Karate ('for self defense reasons' to quote her) and I support her, I don't feel the need to join her - she has offered. I guess deep down inside I resent it a little, as she (and her friend and friend's husband) seem to be consumed by the 'sport'. Whenever we get together with her friends the conversation inevitably turns to Karate and how their leader does this and says that - I normally feel left out when this happens and sit quietly and listen.

All this to get to my situation - we were recently discussing our days events (a regular evening event) and she informed me she had arrived early ar karate this morning. She said she and another student (a 17 year old young man, supposedly a strong Christian) arrived early (30 minutes) at the same time. She said she then proceeded to unlock the karate studio door (electronic passcode that their leader gave her) and she and the other student entered and began 'warming up'.

Up until this point in our marriage we have shared the same values - one in particular is that the other should not put themselves in situations where we could be tempted - specifically alone with a member of the other sex. I have gone out of my way in my management career to not put myself in a room, behind closed doors with another woman (regardless of her age). My wife informed me tonight that her view on this particular value is not as 'strict' as it used to be - and since this student was 'old enough to be her son' that I was over-reacting.

I am literally shaking as I type this - I am worried that this may be a symptom of a larger problem - possibly even the thoughts (or actions) of an affair that she may be having - not nessicarily with this student - but possibly with their teacher.

My question (and I welcome ALL comments) is: Am I over-reacting??

[calmfornow]

Hi Confused in Tn,
From everything that you have written it does sound as if you are perhaps reading a little too much into the situation. What sort of things did she do before she took up karate? Would you say that her life was fulfilling enough for her or is it that you can now see a more confident woman emerging and it frightens you a little bit? I speak from experience that karate can completely consume you because it can instill confidence and feelings of great wellbeing as indeed any sport can. Perhaps your wife has realised this and has really found an outlet that is both safe and good for her? You need to talk with her and you may just find this to be true. Why don't you take her up on her offer to join her one night and see for yourself? What harm can it do, after all you may decide that you'd quite like to learn as well!!! Good luck,
cfn.

[outoftheblue]

I am a bit puzzled as to why you suddenly think she is being unfaithful because she was alone in a hall with a 17 year old. Are you imagining them 'at it' just because they both just happened to arrive early for class. Surely that's the stuff of dodgy movies where near strangers get together in public places! (Not that I would know - honest).
She has told you about arriving early and they must have been in a large hall with other people (particularly her friend and husband) due to arrive any minute why would she risk being caught? It just doesn't sound very likely.
I mean if after 17+ years she wanted a fling and just say she did fancy this student or the instructor wouldn't she have made an arrangement with him to meet up elsewhere? If you've always shared such similar values why should she change them now? She may however think it is silly never to be alone in a room with a member of the opposite sex and trusts herself to keep her clothes on and just wants you to relax your 'rules' a little.

Also she has offered for you to join her - why would she want her husband in class if she wanted to flirt with the student/instructor surely that would cramp her style. I think she enjoys this discipline and freedom and is 'in love' with how it empowers her - but that is all.
Unless there is any other reason for your suspicions, I think you may have over reacted, but you do need to talk openly and sensibly (without any wild unfounded accusations) to try and resolve why you feel so threatened.
Cxx

[Lauz]

I agree with both above. You need to share your concerns with your w. Are these accusations coming into your head because she has something that she enjoys and you feel left out / jealous? She has invited you along... take up the offer and see for yourself how she is around the student and teacher.

[confused_in_TN]

First, let me say thank you to all who've replied. I am starting to realize my fears of unfaithfulness are unfounded and unprovoked. However (you knew there'd by a however) i am still having problems coming to grips with the fact that my W says her views on protecting the sanctity of our marriage have changed. My overwhelming feeling is that yet we are adults, why even take the chance and put yourself in a position where you could be tempted?

I only slept about 3 hours last night running all of this through my mind.

I have also accepted the fact we have different opinions on leisure activities (I love golf - she hates it, I like to stay up to date on current events - she won't read a newspaper, she likes to run, I would rather walk, she likes to read - i would rather watch entertaining television). We have many similarities, but Karate is not one of them. We have always been this way - we love each other for our differences sometime, and other times we love to share activities.

Maybe I'm being too selfish, but I made a commitment 17 years ago to protect our relationship - we both did! My views haven't changed.

Thanks again for all the insightful help!!

[outoftheblue]

There is nothing wrong with having shared and separate hobbies/interests and if you've been together for 17 years it must work well for you both.

Has your wife actually said 'I no longer wish to protect the sanctity of our marriage' in those actual words or is that your interpretation/misinterpretation of something else she has said?

It seems quite extreme to be honest to 'never' be allowed to be alone with a member of the opposite sex. It makes all sorts of assumptions that there is no self control and that every situation leads to casual sex.

I would never consider being unfaithful or want to be with another man - yet I have been alone in a room with a man - doctor, dentist, boss, son's teacher, friend, builder, gas man, plumber etc etc etc. The thought of anything other than the purpose of the meeting never enters my head or as far as I am aware theirs. I trust those I meet and I trust myself not to act inappropriately. The idea that everyone is looking for sex all the time is really only on the tv. Of course it does happen but not everyone is on the prowl every minute of the day. At least not in my world.

I do get the sense (without wishing to cause you any offence at all) that you don't trust your wife, because you want to control her. She may have been happy with this for the last 17 years, but maybe chatting to girlfriends etc she realises it isn't normal to be forbidden to ever be alone with a man. It's a bit Stepford Wives to be honest.

Why are you suddenly so worried and what has your wife actually said to you and why?