I don't know what to do

[Trillian]

Hello, I hope someone out there can help me. I'm 36 and have been married 12 years and have a 2 year old son. My husband and I seem to have drifted over the years, and to be blunt about it, we've basically not had sex since our son was born, and actually not much while I was pregnant either. We've always struggled with that aspect of our relationship, but it has gotten worse. We have been trying for a second child, but my husband was having trouble. He went to the doctor and found out he has incredibly high cholesterol and is not producing testosterone. He found this out 2 months ago, but has barely talked to me about it. We talked some tonight, but it just never gets us anywhere. We haven't slept in the same bed since my son was born. He also has a stressful job and works all but 1 day a week. I have no one to talk to about all of this, and it is hard to get him to talk about it. It almost always ends in a fight.

I just don't know what to do. I never imagined marriage being like this. It hardly seems like a marriage at all. I don't know where the person I fell in love with is, and I don't know how to get us back to being happy. I just wish we could have a normal relationship, where we did things together, had sex, had fun, anything. I feel miserable. This was the only place I felt I could just come and talk about it. I know he's miserable too, but he seems to just want to hide in his own world. I feel like I try to be supportive, but eventually I just reach critical mass and have to talk to him.

I really don't want to get divorced. I stay at home with my son, and I really do want us to be a family, but not like this. This is no kind of life. Anyway, thanks for letting me tell my story. I have no idea if this forum will help, but I wanted so badly to talk to someone.

Trillian

[Sparky]

Hi Trillian, I am so sorry you are feeling so lonely in your marriage and clearly frustrated with lack of fun/sex/company from your husband.
But I think a lot of this is due to his very high cholesterol and low testosterone levels.
A degree of cholesterol is needed by the body to produce sex hormones of an adequate level, too much or too little can effect sexual desire and performance.
Its possible that your husband's doctor has given him medication to lower his cholesterol levels but it may have lowered it too much!
Your husband does need to talk with you about this issue but ironically he probably closes up because he feels he is not fulfilling his role as a husband/man which may make him feel depressed and to cut off discussing this with you for these reasons rather than any other reason i.e. affairs or being difficult.
He may feel ashamed in his mind it certainly may make him become more stressed and have less sexual desire and be sexualy able and trying to discuss anything will turn into an argument because he is feeling sensitive but unlike you (as a woman) he cannot willingly express it (remember men are from Mars woman from Venus). He is also working long hours to support you and your little boy which means he is too tired to discuss things sensibly, try to bear this in mind I know you want his attention and warmth but bearing this in mind try a different approach! Being at home with a small child is difficult and lonely and you have nothing to distract you from the downward spiral of thoughts of loneliness. But you can break this cycle with compassion for your husband and yourself. Recognize you are lonely and start to actively fill your life with enjoyable activities meet other mums develop a skill, tell your husband you love him and give him a hug, massage his back, tell him you appreciate his working for you as a family. By doing this it may get him to open up and show more affection to you, it will happen....take care Sparky x

[Trillian]

Thanks Sparky, you really hit the nail on the head about how he's feeling and how I'm feeling. Things have gotten better since I wrote this the other night, we did talk about it and are going to start having "date nights" again next week. It will be a long road to get his physical health back to normal, and I have to try and be more supportive in the meantime. It's just hard. It's so easy, as you say, to get lost in my own thoughts and my own little world while I'm alone with my son all day. I'm starting to get out and do things, met with a lot of friends last week, not sure this week since hubby is gone Thursday-Sunday night.

At any rate, thank you for reading what I wrote and responding. I took your response to heart and am trying some of the things.

steph

[Marverline]

Hi Trillian again
i read the thread that sparky sent you, and I hope that is helpful to you, I was also going to add, that you should talk to yor husband when he has some time off work, so that he wont be too tired to listen.

Marverline