Husband move out seeking new relationships

[Sparky]

Hi I have posted before regarding change in husband's behaviour. He had cut off intimacy with me since February (we were happy before) saying that he did not feel that way towards me anymore (since an argument and me not understanding how down he has been in general about his job) that he now sees me as a sister.
Today he moved out all his clothes and is moving into a flat in London he took our sound system and bottles of best wine with him. I am finding it hard to deal with the fact he has signed up to dating agencies to meet professional women in the lunch time (because I do not have prospects of a high rise job) and 'other' types of dates in the evenings, he says he is lonely!
The question is how do I deal with all this hurt he expects me to stay in the house until some damp problems are sorted out, and he will come home some weekends to work on the house. He will be attending singles parties/events but covers this up if I ask, or says we are separating and to divorce, and that he can say what he wants when he likes. He was never like this before at all except he has always been controlling but a charming manipulator. How do I deal with this to keep my sanity and dignity? Any ideas please!!!

[danielx]

That would seem to be an easy one to answer - you start seeking out new relationships yourself! Any other course is likely to increase the hurt and the feelings of being used and manipulated. The current situation would seem to be that he is essentially in control, not just of his life, but of yours also - you need to take some of that control back.

DX

[Sparky]

Thanks for your advice danielx it would seem the logical thing to do its just that its difficult when you are the one who wants the marriage to continue, we have been together for 18 years and until 2 years ago he was my soulmate. The problem is I am not sure whether my husband is experiencing nervous exhaustion through work stress or having a mid life crisis, he sure is looking at other women a lot more than usual. He also cannot cope with responsibility of any kind, or is interested in the house which is not like him at all. He says he has needed space and says I follow him around the house when he is home, which is not true I just like to converse with him when he comes home for 10 minutes! Its great to get a guy's opinion on this thanks!!

[Quick]

I think that the best thing to do here is to have a serious discussion with him and make everything clear concernin his plan for the future. I think what he is doing is actually very mean and that you surely doesn't need to be treatted in this way even if he needs some space, he should have discuss it in another way...:mad:

[Sparky]

I think that the best thing to do here is to have a serious discussion with him and make everything clear concernin his plan for the future. I think what he is doing is actually very mean and that you surely doesn't need to be treatted in this way even if he needs some space, he should have discuss it in another way...:mad:

Hi Quick thanks for your reply, I do try and talk with him he is very reticent about what he is doing and outwardly seems to be going off the rails!! he has handed in his notice at work and does not want responsibility etc. I alternate between thinking he is over tired and very stressed and cannot cope in which case I wish to support and love him, and being wary that he has planned all this for a long time and up to now has kept his real intentions in the dark (wants to be a batchelor again but keep me in the background in case) hence he is being very mean indeed. I am aware I have to get back control and that I do not deserve to be treated in such a dismissive way.

[danielx]

I doubt he has been planning this for some time. I do think that he has reached some crossroads in his life and needs to decide what to do next. Unfortunately, this puts you at the crossroads too. He needs support, but I doubt that he wants your help - he needs to resolve this for himself and if you try to help with this he will just feel that you are trying to make his decisions for him (which, in a sense, you will be).

He may resent you, he may resent the marriage, but it is likely to be far more complex than that and men are not good at emotionally complex things. I know that I can just about manage to focus on one thing at a time, but my wife's emotional life is all over the place from my perspective and very hard to follow (I have the same kind of success with that as she has reading a map).

Women are emotionally stronger, though men are usually more emotionally stubborn. You need to make a decision for your life, tell him what it is and then simply pursue it. This is simple strength and I think he will respect you for it. He may even want you to start taking some control - perhaps he feels that you are looking to him to hold everything together and that it is his decisions that everything rests on - that will not help him make those decisions. If he can see that you are capable of making the decisions that you need to make for your own life, then some of the burden he feels may lift. He may also begin to see you in a new light and maybe, just maybe, your marriage can get back on track.

At the moment, it is clear that he is looking for change. Your stance seems to be to reject change, so you are in conflict. Change will happen, it is part of the natural order of things, so you must either try to control what happens and how it happens, or end up being a victim of it.

Your first responsibility is to yourself, then to him and, lastly, to your marriage. If you can remember that, then you might save all three. If you get the priorities wrong, you probably won't.

DX

[Sparky]

Hi DX many thanks for your reply it seems to sum up exactly how my husband has been behaving/feeling, and gives some insight. It really does seem like the men from Mars and women from Venus thing for me, I have struggled to really understand what has been going on with him, but I have sincerely wanted to understand what he is experiencing and truly haved wished to help. Perhaps he has felt responsible for me and that this has become a burden, and that I have seemed to try and maintain the status quo.
I have to say that he has now delivered divorce papers to me which is so upsetting.....I never thought this man who has been so wonderful in the past and I would have walked from one end of the earth to the other side for would do this. I have only been guilty of truly loving him and still do. He has said he did not want to do this......but.
What can I do now? I feel that I have loved too much or shown it in the wrong way!

[Sparky]

And yes DX it does seem I need to make decisions for my life and take control.....

[lesley123]

Hi Sparky,
Lesley here, I felt compelled to write to you as your situation seems to mirror my own in many ways. I have been with my husband for 30 years, we were teenage 'sweethearts' if you like. It hasn't always been an easy relationship by any standards, I am an insecure person emotionally and tend to need reassurance. My husband on the other hand does not show his emotions. Throughout our relationship I have suffered (and so has he) anorexia, acute panic attacks and alcoholism. I have recovered from these and he supported me to the best of his ability. Like yourself I loved this man, and still do so much I would go to hell and back to try and piece things back together. I live on a very isolated but beautiful farm in the middle of the Fens, my sister-in-law lives next door. Chris, my husband moved in with his sister on 17th June, saying he didn't love me in the proper way anymore, and that he needs his space. Throw into the equation the 'other woman'. An old friend of my husbands whose own marriage has broken down moved back into the area from abroad in February 2006. She also happens to be a trained counsellor specialising in couselling children and families from homes with alcoholic or drug addicted parents. This woman made a point of asking about mine and Chris' relationship knowing that we have had difficulties, and has made a bee line for him. Chris started seeing her secretly, well, not so secretly as I was very aware of what was going on. He claims he needed someone to talk to and that she helped and still is 'helping' him to deal with everything that has happened, but that their relationship is 'not like that'. I know that she has her own agenda she has admitted as much to me, and Chris has said that were he not married to me he would possibly persue a relationship with her, as she's now his best friend, 'soulmate' in fact, and that he admires her. Like yourself, I have to try and build a new life for myself, somehow, but I cannot seem to let go. Divorce would mean splitting up the family farm, completely disrupting several peoples lives in a major way. Chris has indicated that he does not want the 'upheaval' (expense?) of divorce, but is unwilling to come home and try to work things out. In the meantime I am sitting here alone, whilst he is living the life of a single man, his sister is cooking for him and looking after him, and generally mothering him (she herself is unmarried, never has been, and seems to perversely be enjoying this situation, she and Chris are partners in the farm, I have never been included in this!) and he is going to see his new 'best friend' as and when he likes! (Chris, by the way, has never had 'women friends'. He is a huntin' shootin' fishin' roughneck farmer, a real mans man if you like). He does not seem to have any consideration for my feelings or those of our daughters, in fact this person still looks like my husband, but the resemblense ends there! Any advice would be a great help.

[Sparky]

Hi there Lesley,
I am sorry that you are suffering these things you do not deserve this! you seem a caring and loving wife, and yes its really scary when this man walks in who seems to have been replaced by a stranger (could be MLC).
Your experience does echo mine in many ways and I think it stems from your low self-esteem (like me) and a need for lots of emotional reassurance.
Its strange but when you read situations similar to your own you can see where we can go wrong regarding handling relationships!! Your ailments are a testament to your perception of not getting enough emotional affection/affirmation perhaps.
Someone recently told me that some events cannot be changed while there are others that are within your power to change, and so
1. Find affirmation from another direction by making some changes, for example my salvation at this time is that I study with the OU (distance learning) due to this I have made an exceptionaly good friend who has helped me with my problems enormously. The studying helps lift my esteem somewhat but I have to say I could do with some life coaching with that one but I now know I am someone. This has helped me deal somewhat with my situation.
2. Try to get out and meet people because making aquaintances will help your perspective on things and make you feel valued again.
3. Sit tight for now, its possible husband will see the light and return, he does seem to have some problems with health issues and maybe he does need someone to listen. This is something my husband has said, and sometimes as wives we don't have all the answers we may think re our husbands problems!
4. You are focusing on all the detail and trying to see a pattern like I have, but it messes your emotions. Recently I have opened up to others in terms of welcoming friendship and I have been amazed how many invites have been coming in and people really seem to like me is a revelation!!
But it also shows that you and I seem to wrap ourselves up in our marriage and become subservient to our husbands and of course we should be equals in a marriage. It also shows none of us should expect our partners to be responsible to provide us with total happiness its a strain, we have to provide some of our own happiness by being clear as to what we want and making it ourselves somewhat.
Let him see you doing something different with your every day life that you know will make him sit up and see you differently and admire you again but you must do it first for yourself because there are no guarantees he will return, but you will ultimately feel good about yourself - reach out to others he is
don't despair love Sparky x

[tiberiu]

You have to face the truth and divorce... Life is sometimes full of surprises and not nice ones, but we have to keep walking....

[1aokgal]

Dear Lesley..

Face it..the marriage is over. What do you do now? Don't give him a thought but cover all the bases to make sure you come out intact. That means you keep and get whatever you can and sell whatever you can to raise funds. You position yourself in the best way you can and whatever he wants you make sure you part with nothing......get some good legal advice.

Locks should be changed so there is no access to your place until this part is settled. Don't call him or see him outside the lawyers office and you won't have a lot of grief. If you got housewifey looking, gained weight or look frumpy...change it. Get a good network of supportive friends preferably single ones who understand your situation.

Don't look over your shoulder because the way this guy dropped the hatchet shows he cares nothing beyond himself. He wasted no time to sue for divorce ...that tells me there is another woman waiting in the wings.
He has been two timing you is my guess otherwise he would take his time about that issue. There is life after divorce and there is love that survives.

I would waste no energy on this guy and get focused on your own future. Your priorities should be focused to job, finances, school perhaps or training. My advice? Skip the dating for awhile until you get your feet on firm land . You are too needy and destroyed. If you met a good man you would blow him off with your sad story. Don't waste time with friends who want to fix your life or you could be a magnet to men who take advantage of women who have not worked through emotional issues. That may be you for quite a while. Don't go out bar shlepping and end up with the next Mr. Zero. Wait until you have more to offer in emotional stability and you attract a sweeter fellow.

If there are separated/divorced workshops or groups where you are or at your church.....DO go. This is a lot of help to sort things out. You don't need emotional baggage to carry forward. I hope you have a nice family to give you some TLC and advice. Good luck.