Wife says she doesnt love me [Archive] - 2-in-2-1 Discussion Forums

teacherman

8th September 2007, 09:05 PM

Please can anybody out there help me. I have been happily married for 22 years (or so I thought) with 2 wonderful kids. A couple of weeks ago my wife told me she doesn't love me any more and has'nt for a few years.

I am not going to be one of these people who claim to be perfect, far from it, i have my faults like everyone else, but, I have always kept a roof over our heads and worked hard to ensure we are secure.

At the moment we are going through a rough period money wise (we have had these before but worked through them) in fact we have had some really bad times but they have never resulted in this.

I cant seem to find out what it is I have done that is so teriibly wrong. I have tried to communicate with her but she wont open up at all and just keeps stating that she has no feelings for me.

Her mum died tragically 5 years ago and I believe that is where our problems arise from as she has never really had the time to grieve for her.

I am at my wits end and this is tearing me apart. I just want to save my marriage and be with the woman I committed to all those years ago. I am not just worried about being alone, I dearly love my wife, she has been my rock through hard times and my recent illness

Has anybody else been through the same thing and if so did you find any suitable help anywhere.

Please help a desparate man.

Ginger God

8th September 2007, 11:05 PM

Teacherman....

She doesnt love you and she wont communicate with you..call her bluff then.
Why the hell should you sit there in limbo..ask her what she would like to do. Divorce or try and make things better but on terms that you both agree on.
You hold the cards, you deal them...this I dont love you lark and I havent for a while..why dont these people tell you when this occured rather than hit you with the sledgehammer a couple of years down the line..oh by the way havent loved you for a couple of years....sorry..its pathetic.
Yeah I bet you feel crap..but trust me you will feel crapper if you let this simmer away..do something about it because you cant make her love you.

Graham

Annie2

9th September 2007, 08:56 PM

Hello,
I sort of agree with straight-to-the-point Graham but maybe with a little less coldness. Now Graham before you bite back allow me to explain.....(eek)..I think the sudden shock of hearing that your wife, of 22 years, tell you she doesn't love you anymore isn't about to turn you into the cold and iron man that could call her bluff. I would imagine teacherman is pretty jumbled up right now and extremely hurt and emotional. But Graham is right you do need and deserve answers and the opportunity to have your say and so on, it is after all your marriage too. I think all you can do is take one day at a time, and I know how bloody hard that is when all you want is for it all to go away. You can't solve this alone and it really does need the two of you to communicate together. Your wife has made the first move. She may not have communicated particularly well and has left you in pieces but at least she's let you know there is a problem for her. It would be far, far better if it was more explained and therefore understood but really is anything in life? So you need to allow her the opportunity to unravel her mind a bit more...I would imagine she's got a million things going on in there and doesn't really know why she is feeling the way she is. She didn't stay married to you for 22years without good reason.
I'm going to say the obvious, do you suspect a third party? I hope not and I really hope it all becomes clearer for you.
Please take care and just try and take each day as it comes. Keep posting and let us know how you are.
Annie2

Ginger God

9th September 2007, 09:20 PM

teacherman

9th September 2007, 09:34 PM

Hi All
Yes, Jumbled up, Hurt, Emotional, That just about sums its up. Its hard for a man to admit but I have done nothing but cry my eyes out for the last couple of weeks.

The cold approach definately does not work and only served to make the issue worse (I tried this last week). She now wants a total break (Divorce) and is trying to force me to sell the house and all our assets.
I sometimes get the feeling that all she has ever been intersted in was my money.
Communication is hopeless with someone who doesn't want to respond.

The only answer I ever seem to get is that she doesn't love me and now feels its time to do things for her. (Like i have ever stopped her)

Let me explain a little more

Both Kids are now grown up ( 22 and 18) And my eldest has just purchased her 1st house. We never see the youngest as she is always out enjoying herself like most 18 year olds.

I have come to the conclusion that now the kids are no longer around that I am surpluss to requirements, and that all I was ever there for was to provide stability whilst they were growing up.

We live in what used to be my family home (Which we purchased from my mum a few years ago) We have a significant amount of equity in the house. She believes that selling this and going our seperate ways will solve all our problems. (Well it might solve hers but not mine - I still love her) I am beginning to think I am crazy or a fool

As for the other person syndrome
I dont believe she has met anyone else and have asked her this which of course she denies and I believe her.

As for me - She is the only person I have been with, maybe that why its so hard to come to terms with. I am (maybe the last of a dying breed) a one woman man. My vows when we got married meant a lot to me.

Sorry if this seems all over the place - Its a bit like me at the moment

I live in hope that there is light a the end of the tunnel - I just hope the light that I see wont be the opening of the pearly gates.

Why is it that men who treat their women as idiots seem to stay married all the time and yet men who idolise their wives and love and cherish them get kicked where it hurts.

Ginger God

9th September 2007, 09:52 PM

Teacherman....why has the cold approach not worked?

You CANNOT make someone love you or stay with you.

The answer to your question about why all the good people in relationships get hurt is simple...there are no morals left in society anymore..no one gives a toss..they are only interested in themselves.

You are not the first to be trampled and and you certainly wont be the last..sorry mate its not looking too funky.

Let her go she not worth it, its a long slog but I was with someone for 15 years that I worshipped and I am over her..ok it took 18 months but I got there.

Graham

Annie2

9th September 2007, 10:05 PM

Hi again,
I can't believe this has only been two weeks since she has said this and now expects divorce. What happened to the 22 years??? Sorry i know you're probably thinking all this too.
Can I also say there is nothing wrong with a man who can show his emotions, it's those who struggle with that that have the problem.
I feel so annoyed on your behalf. But I understand how much shock you must be in. Are you able to talk to anyone about this..friends or a counsellor? You really need to be able to express how you feel especially as what you seem to express to your wife is met with deaf ears.
I don't think it's at all unreasonable for you to expect after all this time a far better explanation. Fair enough if she wants to stick by her claim of not loving you (and I think you'll find 'for the past TWO years is such an over used classic line, just read the other posts here) but surely she could at least explain why she doesn't want to work at your marriage or try and regain 'lost' feelings.
You really do deserve better than this and you must believe that. You are definitely not crazy or a fool. And so speaks one of the many women on this site who have had idiots for husbands.
Please do try and speak to someone about how you are feeling. It won't solve the main problem but it WILL help you think clearly. You're in shock, your hurt and horribley you are about to go through an almighty range of emotions. The sooner you can start understanding why YOU feel like that the better. If you don't you'll end up focussing too much on trying to second guess how she feels and you'll run yourself to the ground when she doesn't offer a clear response. Please, please think about this.
Take care,
Annie

jools

9th September 2007, 11:45 PM

Hi Teacherman
I think one of two things has happened here - either she's met someone else (which they nearly always deny - so don't take denial as proof that there isn't) or, as suggested earlier, she's been biding her time till the kids are old enough to do their own thing before making the break. I know a couple of women who did this - though there were obvious flaws in the marriage. It's horrible, but it sounds to me like she isn't about to change her mind.
Jools
________
DOWN SYNDROME / RETARDATION ADVICE (http://www.health-forums.org/down-syndrome-retardation/)

teacherman

10th September 2007, 10:58 AM

Hi all and thanks for the advice so far.
Confusing messages from you all.

I am 100% sure there is no one else confusing this issue.
Up to 2/3 weeks ago everything seemed to be on track, I admit we had had our problems but we were working through them and saw a bit of hope.

The main thing that is puzzleing me is that our sex life up to a fortnight ago was reasonably good and varied. We both enjoyed our time together

On the saturday we were very very active if you know what I mean and yet on the Sunday I got the I dont love you treatment.

I thought it was men who were supposed to use women for sex and not the other way round, this is how I am feeling at the moment, totally used.

As for the comments to let her go - shes not worth it. SHE IS TO ME.

I still believe that there is something to salvage but dont know how to go about it and get her to be involved.

Lauz

10th September 2007, 01:05 PM

teacherman - I am sorry you are going through this, as so many of have too. My h too said he had been unhappy for 1-2 years before he told me. I agree with Ginger God - why dont they tell us this when the feelings change and we can perhaps deal with it there and then, and not get this bombshell months / years after the fact? I really have no idea why its so hard for some people to communicate, my h included. He seemed to be able to communicate with another woman, which turned into a emotional affair and then one night of drunken sex.

I also agree that there seems to be a pattern to all our stories, and god only knows why! There always seems to be underlying issues in every case. The affair / leaving a marriage is only the sympton of these issues. I would recommend counseling if you can convince your w to go - she surely owes you at least that!

I have also read the book The Divorce Remedy (http://www.amazon.co.uk/Divorce-Remedy-WEINER-DAVIS/dp/0684873257/ref=pd_bbs_sr_1/203-8942743-3583155?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1189422462&sr=8-1) (aomgst many others) and can recommend it.

Ginger God

10th September 2007, 01:34 PM

Teacherman....I am far too blunt..tell her to leave...let her become a couple of sandwiches short of a picnic.
Why do the folk that always get hurt pussyfoot arouund? From our insecurity the other person gains strength.
Stop sleeping with her..she doesnt love you she has already told you that..so why bring yourself down to her level..

Graham

Annie2

10th September 2007, 09:56 PM

Hi all,
If you're not already confused again...I'll just add my bit too.
I think billyboy and lauz have given sound advice especially if you want to continue your marriage. Hand on heart though, if this was to happen a second time around to me, I'd go with Graham's advice. If you give it your all, you do ALL the trying to save your marriage but you're still kicked in the teeth you end up wondering why you bothered and even if it was worth it (I don't mean your marriage, I mean the effort you put in to save it).
The only advice right now that I could give...is to look after yourself. You can't do any of above without making sure you're ok. Let yourself cry, be angry and even just numb...you need to let all the feelings out or you'll be too weighed down to think clearly.
I'm so sorry this is all happening to you. Just keep posting, if only for a sounding board.
Take care,
Annie

teacherman

12th September 2007, 10:35 PM

48 Hours later and Ive had enough

I cant stand being treat like something the cats dragged in. Tried to instigate polite conversation - This was totally rejected

Tried sitting down and talking about the problems - She doesnt want to know.

Now got to a stage that I thought i would never be at - I hate the B****

Trouble is we have still got to live together as niether of us can afford to move out. Anybody else been in this situation and how did you handle it.

Does anyone think that this is what she has been after (To make me hate her) so its easier on herself.

Looks like the end - Yet another middle aged man on the scrapheap.
God i am no going to like being single but I am determined to have some bloody fun for a change. Life is to short for all this crap.

Ginger God

12th September 2007, 11:41 PM

Teacherman..she wants you to make the decision..my lawyer said exactly the same to me...then she can blame you...on you go and make it.
I had to live with her for 4 months after we split..its not too funky something to go through.

Graham

teacherman

14th September 2007, 04:36 PM

Been away on my own for a couple of days and had time for a lot of reflection. Previously posted that I hate the B****. Who am I fooling.

I still worship the ground she walks on and this situation is tearing me apart. My youngest daughter is stuck in the middle and is now showing signs of this starting to affect her.

I really want to get hold of my wife and tell her to "grow up and get a grip" I am still not sure of what has brought the whole situation to a head.

Various websites and threads on this site suggest a Mid life crisis, cant say i am a believer in all that stuff but some of the symptoms are the same.

How can you get someone to help themselves if they dont think there is anything wrong.

I love and adore my wife and dont want us to seperate. This is not the statement of a man worried about being on his own. I would have no problems looking after myself, but I want to try and salvage the 22/23 years we have had together.

I admit that maybe I havent told her I love her as much as I should and am worried that if I start now it looks like I am begging.

I read with interest the posts from people telling me to tell her to go. I am not sure we are at that stage yet, but, my emotions are all over the place. The slightest argument or wrong word causes me to retaliate with hurtfull statements about how I hate here and I wish she would just leave, when deep down all I want to do is put my arms around her and hold her tight.

Your comments and advice, either good or bad, are always read and reflected upon. Its good (if you know what I mean) that other people have been in similar situations. As yet I havent heard from anyone that has managed to salvage their marriage. Is all hope lost, Am I being foolish to myself thinking that I can save what cant be saved.

Help me guys or girls

Ginger God

14th September 2007, 05:30 PM

Teach..rewind 5 years and that was me....its already been said in this thread but dont be surprised if there is someone else kicking about.
Sorry it doesnt look too good..you are asking for help and us posting is the only help you seem to get at the moment..but as I have previously said..you cant make her love you.
I worshipped my wife...I now look at her and think...christ I am so much better than you and why did I worship you.
Of course you are worried about your girl..my daughter was 5 when I should have left but i stayed till she was 9..my kids are absolutely fine and they spend half the week with me and they enjoy being with me which is the most important thing.
Sit down calmly with your wife..dont raise you voice and ask her what she wants to do. I dont know isnt an option. If she says nothing..go to a lawyer and have a letter sent to her stating you want a legal separation drawn up as your marriage has irretrievably broken down. If she gets a lawyer to agree the games a bogie and your marriage is over.
There is a life for you out there mate..as my Mum says so morbidly..you are a long time deid son....

Graham

cheryl*

14th September 2007, 07:23 PM

Teacherman Whatever happens being single again is great . Honestly its great . Id say get yourself out , you need some time for yourself . Look at it this way HER LOSS .you seem like you have a great sence of humour , that will get you through .Keep smiling All the best Cheryl

cheryl*

14th September 2007, 07:29 PM

Also I dont undersatnd why women go for Bastards either but hang on what am I talking about I was married to one for 17 yrs . Im now with a lovely man who I know for sure wont ever cheat on me . So have some time to yourself it took me 3 yrs but I think you need that time . Its so true your a long time dead Take care x

teacherman

15th September 2007, 12:49 AM

Hi All
Ive just come home form a night out with friends- People that actually care about me. Had to much to drink and for a short time forgot about all the problems.

Problem is - Now i am home it is all thats going through my mind. Didnt tell her where i was going or who with - tried the cold hearted approch.

I now feel a total **** - I feel as though i shoudlnt be out having a drink witrh friends but should be at home trying to sort this mess out.

Its true what they say - there is no answer at the bottom of an empty bottle. I am definetly going to regret this tommorrow but who cares.

I never realised just how many friends I had until this evening - just goes to show what a blinkered life I have lead.

Taken the time to look at various sites and book people have been suggesting but I think in this case there is no hope whatsoever.

I still live in hope but dont think the outcome will be what I want.

Sorry for the ramblings of a very drunken and broken man - please forginve me.

Need my bed

Goodnight

Ginger God

15th September 2007, 07:32 AM

teacherman

15th September 2007, 09:00 AM

Hi graham
Thanks for that - I amazed myself when I re-read that post this morning.

Got to say - I had a few but feel remarkably good this morning, maybe its just what I needed.

Slept downstairs on the couch again last night. The wife has just come down and given me a filthy look and the "where did you go last night" stare.

I can see its really annoying her not knowing what I was up to.

Maybe it will prompt her to talk
Maybe my headache will go
Maybe I should turn tea total
Maybe I should do it all again tonight (This one works for me)

Have fun everyone - Keep your chins up and most of all keep your sanity.

julia.37

15th September 2007, 01:32 PM

Hi I too have been in the situation where I have lived with a partner after we had split up. The way I got through it was ,as you quite rightly say, go out and enjoy yourself. Make new friends and act as if you haven't got a care in the world especially your wife. This may make her see what she is missing out on but it may be too late for you. You might realise that there is another life out there. xx

teacherman

16th September 2007, 09:58 AM

8 hours of solid communication - Lots of shouting - Lots of tears (Mine mainly)

Its amazing when women have a downer on you they really know how to turn the knife. Sorry thats not fair on Women, its just this one I am married to.

Was told that she has opened a seperate bank account and has arranged for her wage to be paid into that. She will cover half the cost of the mortgage untill we sell the house but thats it. She still wants me to move out. (We are lucky to have a seperate flat in the grounds of the house so thats not really a problem)

My question is - By moving out am I giving in to her.

She is adamant that she wants a seperation, stating that she has had a lot longer to think about this and it is clear in her head whereas this is all new to me.

When talking last night she did actually admit that up until recently she did have feelings for me., but she cannot understand why I am fighting so much to save our marriage when she has no love for me. I am constantly being accused of trying to get her to change her mind and just carry on as normal. Nothing could be further from the truth.

Yes I still love her
Yes I want us to stay together.
No I dont want to carry on as normal - I need to sort the problems out.
but its hard to sort things out when one party is so commited to the fact that its over.

(But is it)

During the conversation last night I got the "maybe a seperation is what we need" speech. She doesnt want to get divorced as this seems final. She thinks that time apart might re-spark our relationship. She admits that she has just been going through the motions for a few months and doing what she thought everyone wanted her to do and not doing the things she wanted to do.
Our sex life has never been a problem (her words not mine) and believe it or not girls I have always made sure she is satisfied before I am. That probably give me more enjoyment than anythig else knowing that I am not a total failure.

I keep a roof over her head
I love and worship her
I go to peices evertime I see her and YES
I am good in bed (That one has amazed me as I always thought that was one of my problems)

"hey girls out there" What the F*** does she want" cos I am at a loss.

Maybe I am being one of those sad stupid blokes that like getting trampled on. Its unusual as I am normally the one thats in control. This is what makes things bad for me as I no longer feel I can control whats happening.

I dont mean that as if I am a control freak - Its just that I have always been a very practicle guy. You just get on with life. AT our ages (46/43) we are not the young and innocent schoolkids with a first love crush. Marriage is something that is worked upon over time and you take the rough with the smooth.

Am i being synical when I think all that she is interested in is the smooth and that now we are having a few money issues shes just going to walk away.

The stupid part about this is - following my heart attack last year we had some major problems with money. There is now light at the end of the tunnel and these are being sorted out. Our house is getting back to the stage where all of the renovations are nearly completed and maybe we could have had a little more me and you time.

What should I do - Am I coming across as a sad pathetic loser.
Is it all to late.

Sorry for the ramblings of a really confused man
Your comments as usual would be much appreciated.

Ginger God

16th September 2007, 10:51 AM

Teach....she wants YOU to move out...now correct me if Im wrong here...she doesnt love you....so why should you move out.
Stay where you are..tell her to move out. She doesnt want a divorce because thats final...you cant just go out and get a divorce tomorrow..you are well aware of the fact that you need to separate first.
The woman..like most women and men who seem to think the grass is greener....has the proverbial screw loose....sorry.

Graham

AnnieP

16th September 2007, 01:02 PM

Hi Teacherman. I haven't been around much lately, but have just caught up with your thread and you have my empathy.
My H and I have been parted now for 5 weeks, after 16 years of marriage. Same old story, he no longer loves me and he had a very brief and unsatisfactory affair.
All I can say is there is lots of good advice there. Read The Divorce Remedy. Be strong and aloof and mysterious and appear to be in control and happy, even though you might be crying on the inside. Stop seeking emotional answers from her.
Just pretend you actually don't care.
Let her know firmly what you want. ie. I love you, I believe our marriage is worth saving and am willing to look at what needs changing in order to make it work.
DO NOT move out. This is HER crisis... she instigated it, let her go and feel what it is like to be away from you as that is what she supposedly wants.
My H is now thoroughly depressed having been in his squalid little bedsit in London for 5 weeks. Suddenly he is not angry at me any more for ruining his life, he is sad. He even apologised for putting me through it all the other day. This is the first time he has ever acknowledged that this is awful for me too. He is crying and being emotional. This has to be a positive step. I am sure this depression has been bought on by the death of his father 2 years ago, for which he didn't grieve properly, stressful jobs and lifestyles and him hitting 40.

I have no idea how our seperation will end: He holds the cards there, but he knows what I want and I am standing firm in that. In the meantime though, I am getting on with my life.
It took him 8 weeks to find somewhere to go to. The strain of living under the same roof with him was awful, and although I was desperate for him NOT to go, things improved significantly when he did.

Teacherman, stay strong. I found it so hard not telling him everything I was doing, or places I was going etc, it was natural for me to do so, and I hated being mysterious and secretive.
You need to do it though, as she clearly isn't going to be changing her mind for a while. It will give you some dignity back, and make you feel a little more in control.
Keep posting and good luck.

teacherman

18th September 2007, 04:40 PM

Ok Folks here we go

Latest episode in this long running saga. Last night I decided it was time I got some backbone and I started to dictate things a little bit. I actually slept in my own bed for a change instead of sleeping downstairs on the settee (Which I have been since this whole sorry mess started.) She came up to be and joined me around 11:30. Although we slept at opposite sides of the bed the gulf between us was enormous.

This morning I got up as normal and was down stairs drinking a coffee when she came to join me. The llok of disgust on her face was amazing - just because I dared to sleep in my own bed.

I am afraid I snapped at this and told her this is how its going to be from now on. If she doesnt like it she can feel free to move out anytime she wants. I seem to have found a "new me" over the last couple of days.

Dont know if I am coming to terms with the situation or If I am just sick of getting pushed around - But today the worm has turned.

It is my house as much as hers and I will bloody well - do what I wnat - and sleep where I want and sod the consequencies.

I have purchased a copy of the Divorce Remedy as recommended by a couple of you but i feel in this case its to late, But, if it help me come to terms with what I want out of life then it will be money well spent.

To all you people out there reading this and going through the same situation I offer only one piece of advice.

Look after yourselves - Stop trying to change yourselves into what other people want you to be. In my situation she knew what she was getting when she married me all those years ago, why try and change me now.

Also - Theres only so many times someone can tell you they dont love you without you actually saying well sod it ive had enough.

If this is some sort of crisis and she is hoping things will get back to normal then I am sorry but shes left it too late for that. If shes reading this (which I think she is whilst at work) then log on and put your side of the story forward.

As I said earlier - The worm has turned - I see a whole new future out there for me and who knows maybe a new relationship (anybody want to date a 46 year old overweight second hand good sort of fella)

Good sense of humour - God ive needed one over the last few weeks.

Got to go - Beer and a fag beckons.
Keep posting your thoughts and I will keep posting my progress
Good luck everyone

teacherman

23rd September 2007, 09:17 AM

Well there you go - She moved out.

How do i feel about this - I am not really sure. Devastated, hurt, sad, emotional all those things but unclear as to what happens next.

We havent spoken for the last couple of days, not even a good morning or how are you.

There are still lots of things to sort out like the house etc, but it is hard to do this if I cant get her to talk.

If anyone out there is listening - Should I be talking to a lawyer at this point or do I hope that a spell apart may make her see sense.

How should I act if I see her around etc

Annie2

23rd September 2007, 09:55 AM

Hiya,
I'm so sorry to hear this.
The lawyer part is entirely up to you. It wouldn't hurt but there is also no rush depending on her next step. If she is horns blazing then you might want to speak to a lawyer. It also depends on your communication with her. If she is making unfair decisions and demands involving money etc then a lawyer is a must.
How should you act when you see her? No point in planning that really is there. You could tell yourself exactly how you are going to look and behave but to be honest you just can't plan it. Be yourself, you sound like a very nice man. Whenever I see my H (we're in the middle of divorce) I would rather look together and happy. Which of course I am most of the time but I have off moments too and I can't help it if I cry or look upset. If I do I'm not going to start regretting or beating myself up over it....too much else to deal with.
Divorce or seperation is a long process of adjustment. You can only take one day at a time.
Take care, keep posting.
Annie2 xx
ps. How is your beer and fag intake doing?? Mine was exceedingly high at first! Chocolate is another great fix.
psx2. I'm so sorry. I just tried to paste one of those smiley icons after that bit and it's gone onto your title. Oh Good Lord that doesn't quite match your title. So sorry, that was me everyone! Oops. Sorry about that.

jools

23rd September 2007, 10:13 AM

psx2. I'm so sorry. I just tried to paste one of those smiley icons after that bit and it's gone onto your title. Oh Good Lord that doesn't quite match your title. So sorry, that was me everyone! Oops. Sorry about that.I know this is a very serious thread, but that bit really made me laugh! I can just see you panicking, Annie, and not knowing how to undo it. SO funny!
Teacherman - sorry it's come to this but when you wonder how to behave - just be yourself. You said it yourself in an earlier posting... Stop trying to change yourselves into what other people want you to be.Jools X
________
WELLBUTRIN SICKNESS (http://www.classactionsettlements.org/lawsuit/wellbutrin/)

AnnieP

23rd September 2007, 10:31 AM

Teacherman, sorry to hear your news. Annie2 offers good advice. No need to do anything unless she is being unreasonable.
Just take some time out to be yourself and go through your emotions. They will change almost on an hourly rate.
Have friends around you, go out, write a list of stuff you can do, keep yourself busy.
Try to not dwell on what you will say to her/look like if you see her: She sounds so up her own **** at present that no matter what you say or do, it sounds like she won't even notice, or if she does, it won't change anything.
I presume you are a teacher (genius, me). Can you plan to go away for half term? I found the long summer holidays at home alone really difficult (and I'm currently off work for 4 weeks after an operation). Its really hard being here. I can't go away due to too many animals to look after, but am having a ball with visitors and people popping in and having friends again.
Stay strong, try to not change. You are a good person.

Ginger God

23rd September 2007, 10:45 AM

Skelp her aboot the coupon for being a prat of the highest order....

Sorry Teach..I said early doors that this is where it was leading..why hang about though..get to a lawyer..at least that way you are underway.

Graham

teacherman

23rd September 2007, 10:50 AM

Hi All
and thanks for that

Annie dont worry about the smiley -it made me laugh (1st time ive done that in ages)

Beer and fags - now theres a question

Fags - Well up to about 40 a day which seeing i had a heart attack in August last year is really not a good idea and I keep promising myself to quit. Not as easy as that with whats going on.

As for the Beer - I havent been drinking as much as I thought I would, I have been out a couple of times with the intention of getting really smashed but then stick to cokes all night.

Yes I am a teacher as such but not as you might think. I actually teach people to drive.

Its difficult to try to keep my problems away from my pupils but I have managed this so far.

A friend of mine has suggested (as some of you have) getting away for a few days but I am not sure if this might just make matters worse - I will have to see.

As I sit writing this I find I have got very mixed emotions - I have got all I stated in the previous post any yet part of me is calm and happy.

I am quite a pratical guy and have always been a firm believer in "life goes on" no matter what S**t is thrown at you.

Not sure if I am really getting to grips with this or if it will hit me like a thunderbolt in a few days (maybe thats when the drink will kick in).

How can you be sad and happy at the same time - strange.

Thought about writing a book called "Life Sucks" but somebody beat me to it.

I will keep looking on the positive and I will keep reading the posts - you guys can really make me laugh at times.

Fond thoughts
Tim

Annie2

23rd September 2007, 11:22 PM

Hullo all (nervously)...
Thanks for forgiveness over boob...you know..the...erm....the smiley happy bloody face that appeared...much to my bloody distress I might add.
Ok...Teacherman...god I love it. A driver...so not the English Lit. that you come across as. God I'm not sighing with relief, honest! Hey, getting away for a few days sounds exactly what you need. Come on...life is ****, why not have **** in the Lake District or something? Eh...come on...a chocolate left on your pillow....crap soap, that a family of six in poorer parts across the pond, tirelessly made for a scrap of a meal, you can smuggle it home? Really...this is what you need! Seriously, do it. Get out the box..have a bit of space to let the YOU in and bypass all the mixed up crap that's going on. Have a break. Hey God dam it....let's have a 2-in-to-1 holiday...we're packing...just name the day, ok? Bagsy I share with Graham...yippeee!
Annie2 xx

Ginger God

23rd September 2007, 11:50 PM

Annie...yur a dirty bugger...do you want to go on top........

I mean the bunk beds.....:D

Annie2

24th September 2007, 12:01 AM

Yippee...yes please Graham! God, it's like being back at Brownie Camp! Tim....it's over to you now...make this happen for us....Graham...I'm packing my lurve....oh I am so excited. Hurrah!
xx

Annie2

24th September 2007, 07:17 PM

Lee,
I have no idea what you are talking about!!;) (yipppeeee I did it...now that would not have looked good on your title either Tim. Pheow!)
xx

Ginger God

24th September 2007, 07:55 PM

Yippee...yes please Graham! God, it's like being back at Brownie Camp! Tim....it's over to you now...make this happen for us....Graham...I'm packing my lurve....oh I am so excited. Hurrah!
xx

Bloody hell Annie...what kind of thing went on at your brownie camp???

I just remember getting blackened at cubs....

Sorry Teach getting a bit off subject here but Annie is making it quite obvious that she is there for the taking...and the God of Lurv is on his way....:eek:

Annie2

24th September 2007, 09:37 PM

Hi Tim,
Do feel free to re-join us...anyway whilst you're away......Graham....brownie camp...gosh I could tell you some stories...darn it there is some kind of censor on this site...it won't let me write it..oh bugger!
xx

Ginger God

24th September 2007, 11:40 PM

Annie...do you perchance happen to own a very short brown dress???:)

wind

25th September 2007, 01:20 AM

Good day,
I am so regretful that you are enduring what I to endure. My wife of almost 5 years next month told me that she no longer had feelings for me the way she had. Oddly, just in July she said she loved me. I've not heard her say it in so many weeks. We are both active in our church and it really feels odd. I cannot offer any suggestions except to pray or ask of a higher source to intervene on both of you. I am must admit, I allowed work to become my wife. When we'd talk it was all about our work experience etc. We dated for 4 years first(while living in separate apartments opposite sides of town) and gave each other only 2 or 3 days to be with each other. At the time, I worked for a different company making more money and less stress. Then after marriage the first 2 years, started becoming super stressed and angry alot than I had ever been. I started to regress my fustrations at her and others....not physically though. My tone in voice was not LOUD; just short to the point. My wife was/is by buddy and I recall all the tiny things she's done for me and I for her that truly meant alot to each of us. For the last 2.5 months we've discomforted. I've mentioned that could leave(although I did not mean it...only to express the seriousness of my feelings at that time). She would come home from work and rest for around 30 minutes and be online until 3 or 4am!!! I asked her if there was someone else and she denied it. I expressed to her that I would understand, however not like it if she had because I was not there for her emotionally nor physically even though we were in the same home. I had brought work home all the time. I am/was responsible for a million dollar company and was continuosly on call. My nerves would jump when I heard a phone or pager ring! I was a mess. I did not put her needs before anything or anyone. Biblically I was not being the Christian husband that I should:

Ecclesiastes 3.
Phillipians 2:1-18.

I praise God for everyone I've encountered in this life's journey.
For those who have known a better part of me, I too apologize and ask for all forgiveness and friendship.

Men out there: I have realized that I have not done these things, so PLEASE do them daily!
1) Love your wife as Christ loved the church. Give yourself up for your wife. [Ephesians 5:25]

2) Love your wife in the same way you love your body and yourself. [Ephesians 5:28-33]
3) Be considerate as you live with your wife. [I Peter 3:7]
4) Do not be harsh with your wife. [Colossians 3:19]
5) Your body belongs to your wife. [I Corinthians 7:3-5]
6) Rejoice in your wife. Let her breasts satisfy you. Be captivated with her. [Proverbs 5:18-19]
6) Praise your wife. [Proverbs 31:28-29]
7) Tell your wife how captivated you are with her body [Song of Solomon, esp 4:7; 7:1-8]
8) Honor your marriage; keep it pure by remaining true to your wife in every way [Heb 13:4]
9) Be thankful for your wife and realize the favor you have received from God. [Prov 18:22]
10) Be "one flesh" with your wife in every way. [Matthew 19:5]

These are some scripture that I posted online to her that I realize how am to be and vow, like our wedding vows, to be with her through everything that comes our way until death do us part.

My friend, there are so many things I am feeling at this moment. I pray that God's Will be done and His devine Love will be seen by her. I feel that you recognize a good wife and do I. If Love was real in at some point for each other, I feel that it can be regained...much like when dating someone. If the goal is to eventually have her as the spouse, Love is the goal of attainment. I must continue to pray about her, me, us, and HIS will being done.

I must quote Proverbs 18:22: "He who finds a wife finds a good thing and obtains favor from the Lord"

Lastly my friend, May you recognize and acknowledge YOUR participation in her discomfort and LISTEN to her. Try, if not already, to just hold her without saying a word. just hold her even in her anguish etc.

As for Love, my Love for my God Jesus Christ, just as we are to treat our wives and ourselves towards others:
Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.
Love never ends.

Until we meet again, may God continue to bless you and keep you in his care!

Ginger God

25th September 2007, 08:12 AM

Lauz

25th September 2007, 10:05 AM

Not all religious people or people that believe in "something" are "bible bashers" (whatever that is).

EVERYTHING HAPPENS FOR A REASON, whether you believe or not.

wind

27th September 2007, 01:13 PM

Good day,
To whom that were offended, I cannot apologize for my beliefs and my source of comfort when I alone cannot wisely make decisions nor manage issues of my coexistence in this world. I am learning that I can only see the Love that was had and the Love that CAN be with that person. However Love is spelled, those emotions once experienced during your journey with that person could be again... once the truth defeats all of the junky non-truth being perpetuated in our minds by outside interference. The Love that one has CAN truly be manifested into my reality. For my suggestion, focus on the what SHE is saying and truly listen and HEAR her. Go and tickle her! I also think that true laughter can help!

I/you cannot MAKE her love me/you. I can have her think of times when she/I were in that TIME of Love and how it fealt and when/what caused it to slow.
It's kind of like starting to date her again.

May a kind word, loving smile, peace, faith, and love be yours daily!

Topsy47

27th September 2007, 06:43 PM

Hi Teacherman

I've just been reading through your thread and just wanted to send you my best wishes.

I think the way you have been dealing with it is totally normal and a bit like I have dealt with my situation - a lot of the time you want to get on with things and find a new positive you. Then it all catches up and you feel sad and disappointed over what has been lost.

Re the legal advice, it might help to see someone just to get an idea of where you stand. Me and my H have decided to negotiate our own separation agreement but knowing my legal rights beforehand has defintely helped me.

Good luck
Topsy

teacherman

28th September 2007, 01:38 PM

Hiya All

Sorry for the lack of communication - been away for a couple of days trying to clear my head.

Interesting posts over the last few days, as to the religion bit, I wont pour scorn on anyones religous beliefs, If they find comfort in that then fair enough. As for my self, if there is anyone up there watching over me I must have really pissed him/her off over the last few months. No one person (whatever the problem) deserves this amount of S**T.

As to the situation, - Shes moved out and we have decided to cut off all communication with each other unless really needed. I thought I was slowly coming to terms with this but the last couple of days have made me realise that its not that easy.

I still have the longing and wanting fellings and am not sure how to handle them. Keeping busy does seem to help but during the quiet times they come flooding back.

Taking each day as it comes and looking forward to reading your posts.

As for the get together - You wouldnt like the lake district at the moment its bloody freezing up there.

Let go somewhere warm like Barbados so we can strip off - lie on a beach and get smashed without a care in the world.

Love as always to all

Tim

aqua

28th September 2007, 02:31 PM

Teacherman

Hey there - not been on here lately - not had much to say!

You're on the Big Dipper rollercoaster ride of separation! Hold on tight!

I'm afraid to say it's quite a normal reaction and I think we all suffer it, in varying degrees.We all handle it in different ways, too.

"Taking each day as it comes "
That's a sensible approach. Looking too far ahead can be very painful.

I think a good meeting up place would be Blackpool's Pleasure Beach where we can all ride the real roller coasters together! :eek::p

Take care
aqua

cheryl*

28th September 2007, 09:15 PM

Hello Teacherman , Ive just been reading through all your posts . You know you are a lovely man I think you & annie should hook up ,lol, I come on here when I can but like to catch up on all your news . Not sure how to use this properly ,How do you do the smiley faces . Yes Im slow , lol, often write loads on here only to find that it times out & I think sod it lol , Im just so glad for you that SHE has moved out & not you ! Good for you . Thinking about you & hope you start to feel better soon....I DID...but it takes a while mind 3 yrs plus for me . You will look back on this one day & think MY GOD all the things she put me through and at the end of the day its her loss she thinks the grass is greener right now Keep smiling you make us all smile on here & it rings home what you say too All the best Cheryl

cheryl*

28th September 2007, 09:33 PM

After that worked I wrote a long one about solicitors & house stuff & the B...... thing didnt work ! WHY ? What am I doing wrong lol.

cheryl*

28th September 2007, 09:35 PM

God It worked ! Must be me .lol. anyway go to the C.A.B they are free & very helpful before you see a solicitor . Best wishes x

teacherman

30th September 2007, 09:37 AM

Well here we are
Sunday Morning sat in the house totally alone and wondering what the hell I am going to do. Got to admit this weekend has been one of the worst I have ever had.

Spoke to both of my daughters over the weekend but the conversations where short and its as though they dont want to get involved or show any sort of favour to either side.

Problem I have got is this - Its my daughters 19th Birthday on Tuesday and My 47th (god I am getting bloody old) (How come I still feel like a 30 year old) (anyone know where theres any 30 years olds going spare) on wednesday.

Dont know how to handle this - Not bothered about my birthday i have already had too many of them, but really feel for my daughter.

She has spent the last couple of weeks staying with friends cos she doesnt want to be in the middle of all this. How can I make her birthday the special day that it should be. She is torn - she doesnt know if to spend some time with me or go see the wife - Either way the other one will feel left out.

If anyone out there has been in the same situation "PLEASE HELP" I really do not know how to handle this one.

All of the old feelings are coming back - The hurt and resentment and also the anger. My couple of days away that I thought had helped, havent, and I feel myself slowly losing control again. Maybe its just the thought of the Birthdays or maybe I am just another sad pathetic guy thats scared of being alone.

"SHOE MAKERS" - if you know what I mean

Just re-read that bit. I am not sad or pathetic and not scared of being alone, just a little Peeed off at the moment.

Help on the Birthday issues would be appreciated though.

Remember

Do a good deed and nobody notices.
Perform and Kindly act and nobody notices.
Change your outlook on life and nobody notices.

But

FART just once and..........

Warm wishes
Tim

teacherman

30th September 2007, 09:50 AM

Just been surfing for a while and found a couple of quotes that are really apt for most of us. I take no responsibility for the sentiments but find some of them really get to the heart of the matter.

Love doesn't make the world go 'round; love is what makes the ride worthwhile.

If I can stop one heart from breaking,
I shall not live in vain.
If I can ease one life the aching,
Or cool one pain,
Or help one fainting robin
Unto his nest again,
I shall not live in vain

Everything has been figured out, except how to live. (How true)

aqua

30th September 2007, 10:37 AM

Teacherman

Would it not be possible for your daughter to spend some time with both of you on her birthday?

Maybe a few hours with you and a few hours with her mum?

Or maybe altogether? would that be possible?

Maybe you need to try and put feelings of being left out to one side. It is very hard.

Since my husband and I split we've had to deal with both our children's birthdays. Dad came first thing in the morning to see our child open presents and then he came after work for a birthday tea. Dad didn't come to the birthday party I had for my child and friends. Don't know how dad felt about that though. He never said anything about it.

For the next child's birthday dad and grandparents took him out for the day. Luckily the little one was staying with my folks so no friction there. I had a family party a few days before with my folks. It helped that the child was away for his actual birthday at scout camp. So for him it felt like 3 birthdays and he was happy.

Today is H's birthday and I've done nothing even on behalf of the children. They've not mentioned it and neither have I. Couldn't afford to buy a present anyway as he has cut me off without a penny!!

Funnily enough I don't feel bad/sad/tearful or anything. Just an ordinary day for me.

If you get something comforting out surfing the net and finding quotations to help you through then that's great.

aqua

Topsy47

30th September 2007, 07:41 PM

Teacherman

Clearly you would love to see you daughter but as you have said, she is feeling torn about what to do.

Although its going to be hard for you, maybe just tell her gently that you want her to do whatever she would like to do and that if you don't get to see her on the day itself then thats fine and maybe you and her could do something the following day or on the weekend. It might make life easier for her and, if you have taken control on the situation, you won't be waiting around to see what decision she makes.

I don't have kids so if this is lousy advice I will stand corrected!

topsy
x

Ginger God

30th September 2007, 07:48 PM

teacherman

4th October 2007, 12:02 AM

Happy ~Birthday to Me and what a god damn awful one.

For those of you out there wondering - My daughters birthday yesterday went off OK. We managed to get some time to each other and did the Birthday thing.

By Comparison, mine today was a total Sh1T. Just had the most difficult row with the other half. She's just informed my that she saw a solicitor over 3 weeks ago and will be filing for divorce on the ground of irreconcilable differences - what a bummer.

Not a great deal I can do about it according to her. Her solicitor tells her they can force me to sell the house now and thats it.

My solicitor tells me otherwise so it looks like we are in for the long battle.

So - Divorce Looms - From married to I dont Love you to Divorce in only 6 weeks and I thought I was quick.

Funny thing is I am not sure how I feel about it. Part of me is a little shell shocked and yet part of me is relishing the battle ahead. Dont care if I lose all of my profit to the solicitors it will have been worth it to make the bitch wait.

My sense of humour seems to have deserted me at the moment, I cant think of anything funny to say (Unusual that)

LEt the battle commence and may the best man win.

Sorry to anyone reading this that sees yet another marriage go down the toilet. I am sure there are many success stories out there, unfortunately mine isnt one of them.

Anne22

5th October 2007, 07:45 AM

Hi teacherman

I havent posted for a while but have been reading your posts - I really am so sorry that you too are going through a complete nightmare.

I must say I often wonder if 'marriage' is worth anything these days - I have totally lost all faith in it!!! It seems that the vows we all made are not important and many people just dont seem to care at all! I like you wanted things to work out with my h and tried so hard to make things work - but we are not in control of how our partner feels or behaves!!

I am sorry you had a horrid birthday - I too had a nightmare birthday week - after spending 18 months trying to forgive my h for several infidelities (one a short affair with a very good friend!) I had a voicetext message from my h mistress the day after my birthday saying ' I have been having an affair with your h for the past 5 years and before that another...........' what a bolt out of the blue - I am sure my Birthday will never be the same again.

It is 5 months on now and I too am going through a divorce - I still cannot get my head around the depth of the deceit and continuous lies. I know I love the man that I married just not what he has become!

Teacherman just believe in the truth - you are way too good for her - you deserve so much better and there are lots of lovely women out there (like me - he he!!) who are honest, loyal an would never treat another human being the way we have been treated.

Although I feel it will be a very long time before I feel I could ever trust another man - I believe I will be happy and this helps me ride these 'high seas'.

Good luck - try not to be too bitter - I think you will suffer if you are - make a new life for yourself and believe you WILL be happy again.

Take care

Love Anne22 xx

teacherman

5th October 2007, 02:19 PM

Hi All and thanks for the birthday wishes.

Anne22 you talk a lot of sense in most respects its jst that I am to blind to see it. I still hold out hope that we could find a solution to this problem but it is all one sided.

Have spent weeks now investigating Mid Life Crisis's and the effects upon marriage. Not sure if thats what she's actually having but it sure seems like it.

I agree I am better than this but at the moment it just doesnt fell like it.

She is the first thing I think about when I wake up and the last thing I think about before I go to sleep. I am sorry fabout your situation and in some respects I actually wish my wife had been having an affair, I think that would have been easier to cope with. I am still convinced that there is no third party involved this is what make it so damn hard.

I keep trying to take each day at a time, I have my good and bad days but nothing seems to get any clearer.

I cant seem to make that clean break and move on, I have got to much invested in my marriage to let it just fade away - but what can I do.

If I dont show and interest in trying to solve this then she will think I dont care anyway - its a catch 22 situation.

Gee whiz - The more I post on here and the more I read I feel as though I am turning into some sort of shrink

aqua

5th October 2007, 02:46 PM

Hi teacherman

I went through the stages you're going through now...it just all seems very black with no obvious way out. I'm not going to tell how with time things get better and how time's a great healer....blah blah blah because I don't think it will help you feel any better right now. I hated it when people said it to me! I never thought I would get through this, you only got to look at my earlier posts to see this.

Your wife may well be going through a mid life crisis.

Again, people have said this to me about my husband and I got sick of it. My view is does it matter what it's called? Does giving it a name/label make it any easy to bare, is it an excuse for what they have done? In my personal opinion - Hell No !!! He has still ripped apart this family whether he is suffering from a condition known as mlc or not!

I can understand why sometimes it is easier to give it a label. Some might find it easier to say, my husband/wife is being right toad because of mlc or whatever. Some people can't accept their partner may have fallen out of love or just gone off the rails for no reason. That would be hard for anyone to take.

"Gee whiz - The more I post on here and the more I read I feel as though I am turning into some sort of shrink "

Yikes, teacherman so do I !!! Take no notice of the rantings of this nutter!!

Take care

aqua.

teacherman

5th October 2007, 10:06 PM

heres some philosophy for you all

"Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid."

take note all you men out there - look after your other half - she may be crazier than you think

teacherman

10th October 2007, 08:29 PM

Just when you think things cant get any worse - THEY DO

My wifes father died on Friday evening. This came as no real surprise as he had been ill for some time. My W seems to be handling things exceptionally well but is still reluctant to communicate with me.

I just want to be there for her and support her through this time but am finding things difficult. The funeral is on Monday and I am unsure whether to go or not. It is not that I am not welcome but more of a case of "dont expect this to change anything I dont need your support."

Not sure what to do now - I am getting to the end of the line and am totally sick of the rejection

Any thoughts anyone

Topsy47

10th October 2007, 08:41 PM

Hi Teacherman

its a hard one and its going to churn up emotions whatever happens. Did you get on well with your wife's father? If so, then you should consider going because you want to pay your respects in person regardless of everything else that is going on. Also, if your children are going to be there then they may well need and appreciate your support.

Topsy

Anne22

10th October 2007, 11:46 PM

Hi teacherman,

If it were me I would go - I was very close to my in-laws during our marriage although since I asked my h to leave they have acted more like 'Outlaws'!!! They have not shown me any support but I would still go to show I care!

Of course this may not be appropriate for you. Perhaps you should think what your kids would like you to do - I know mine would be there if there grandad were to pass away and I would want to be there to support them!

Tricky - do what you feel is best for you and your kids!

Good luck with your decision.

Anne22

teacherman

12th October 2007, 01:00 PM

Hi All
Its an interesting one is this - Dont get me wrong, I respected my father in law, he was a very reasonable guy, but I saw things in him that I didnt like. MY mother in law was a totally different person. I worshiped her and probably miss her more than I can say.

She was a great help to us during our marriage and you couldnt hope for a nicer person to be your mother in law. I know this may sound stupid but I probably got on better with her than with my own mum.

If she had been around today I dont think my situation would be anywhere near as bad as this, She would have noticed the problems and kicked us both up the ass.

Not sure what to do about the funeral, I want to pay my respects to my father in law and I want to be there for my kids - But - I dont want to make a bad situation any worse than it allready is.

Theres only two things that are certain in life - You are born and then you die.

I sometimes think that if there is an afterlife both my dad (who passed away 15 years ago) and now both my in-laws will be up there looking down and p***ing them selves laughing.

Women, - Cant live with them - Cant shoot them

Sorry girls didnt mean that

outoftheblue

14th October 2007, 09:22 PM

I agree with the others it is the 'right' thing to do to go and pay your respects. He was your father-in-law and even if you did see things in him you didn't like he was your children's Grandfather and they may need your support. Even if not, it is 'right' that they see you doing the 'right' thing if you know what I mean.

It shows to them an ability to rise above the current situation and be a decent person which I think you seem to be. Obviously under the cloak of anonimity on the internet you could be an axe murderer and then you wouldn't be so nice, but I'm guessing you're not, so be the good bloke and don't let your wife's horrid behaviour make you into someone horrid too.

Hold your head high - except during the prayers - and hope it goes as well as a funeral can.
Cxx

teacherman

16th October 2007, 12:00 AM

Hi all - Well I took your advice and went to the funeral and I am glad I did.

It has made me think about what is important in life, not me, not the wife, but the kids.

I was glad I was there and could support them when they needed me most and in a way I think it has helped me to put things into some sort of order. I sat with my W and was there for her as a friend when and if she needed me (Which she did) but that was all.

The last couple of weeks have made me realise what is important in life, For anyone out there in a similar situation, remember your kids.

Despite the turmoils you may be going through think of how the situation is affecting them.

I now know that I have got a lot of bridges to re-build - I have spent the last few years concentrating on things that I thought were important and not concentrating on the things that are.

I will miss my father in law, he was a decent man in his own way, but I miss not having my kids around and I hope I havent left it to late to rebuild some sort of relationship with them.

I have made a few decisions over the last twenty four hours. Some of you will think I am giving in but its the sort of man that I am, at the end of the day compromise is the best solution for everybody.

I am going to sell the house and split the proceeds Fifty/fifty with my wife, she has put as much into this relationship as I have. To a certain extent its me that got us into this situation in the first place. Maybe I lost my sense of direction, and maybe it is me that is having the Mid life crisis that I am so cynical about.

I am going to try and buy a new house and move on with my life, only time will tell if its to be with my other half or not. The main thing at the moment is earing the respect and trust of my kids again. I dearly love them and dont want this situation to tear us apart.

Yes I am feeling very emotional at the moment, but it is not a feeling of self pity. maybe its the kick up the arse I have needed. I actually spoke to my wife this evening about practical things, something we havent been able to do for a long while. I still hold out hope the we can salvage something but if not then life goes on (its better than the alternative) at least it didnt turn into the normal slagging each other off evening.

I thank you all for your advice over the last couple of days. Even though a lot of us are in a similar situation it really helps to get other peoples view points.

I will keep reading your posts, and I will chip in when I see or feel someone is making the same mistakes that I have.

Lots of Love and best wishes to you all for your support over the last few weeks. Even though we have never met, and probably never will, I am proud to have had you as my friends.

I wish you all the success you wish yourselves and I hope that some of you will be able to rebuild your lives and relationships. At the end of the day we all want a little happiness.

Tim

outoftheblue

16th October 2007, 12:01 PM

Hi Tim, I think your last posting is wonderful you have had a real epiphany and I hope it helps you to move forward. I'm not working today so have just spent a while looking at your thread from the beginning.

I think if you could write a letter to your wife expressing your feelings as eloquently as you have just done in your last posting she would be very moved.

I have no idea about why your wife suddenly changed, but maybe she had been dissatisfied with your focus on work etc for many years and maybe had even tried to talk to you about it but you didn't notice or couldn't see the problem. I think many men (my H included) get very hung up on work - providing for the family etc proving they are the hunter/gatherer etc and do lose the work/life balance. They think everyone is happy because they think they are happy and doing well in life.

Many wives (me included) see their husbands spiralling away, getting busier and busier and more successful at work but refusing to slow down. I knew my H was over-working but I was loathe to say anything as my H saw it as interfering and denied it anyway. I also didn't want to seem ungrateful as I knew he was working hard for all of us. Anyway if I did mention taking it easy he would say 'I'm only doing it for us' and I know he thought he was but he didn't realise he was destroying 'us' in the process.

Maybe your wife just got sick of taking care of the family and being invisible. You may worship the ground she walks on and love her dearly you may even have told her so regularly, but actions speak louder. I know my H loved me (I'm pretty sure he still does - cos he has never stopped saying he does) and I think he thought because he knew he loved me I also knew. I did know but just sometimes when you've been stuck at home with the kids doing the same repetitive chores day in day out it is nice to be told you are appreciated.

From all that you have written about your wife I think she got tired of banging her head against a wall and now your daughters are older she feels she wants time to be herself. There have been indications that she still loves the 'you' you once were but doesn't like who you have become. I could be soo wrong on this, but as the funeral acted as a watershed for you and your emotions maybe it's time for one last attempt. Tell her everything you are now feeling - of course a lot of water has passed and many hurtful things said because you were both hurting. But if as you say she 'needed' you at the funeral I think she may still need you in life. Ok she may have been unhappy for some of the last 22 years, but if you can acknowledge you may have been partly to blame (I'm not saying you are - it's just your threads indicate you might have been), and accept that now your daughters are grown the two of you can enter a new phase in your lives and hopefully work that out togther.

If you wife hasn't found someone else then she is very brave at 43? to walk away from 22 years of marriage into a single life. Does she work full-time? Do you think she is strong enough to do this or do you suspect she is just craving a change from wife and motherhood which she feels has robbed her of her indentity?

Like you I believe in marriage for life and when we set out on the journey together we hoped it will be roses all the way - but the 'life' part gets in the way. As a couple you do get set in your ways and in a rut. Pivotal moments like the death of a parent/kids leaving home etc make you re-evaluate. We all hope for only the positive side of our vows to come true - health; richer; better - but in reality the sickness;poorer;worse affect us too. If we didn't have to deal with those then the easy vows wouldn't be worth making. Everyone would be signing up for the health wealth and happiness train. A good marriage will stumble through the bad times but find a way to get back on track and hopefully be stronger for it. Bare your sole to your wife and your girls, they are young women and will appreciate your honesty.It may be the emotional commitment she has been seeking for a while but you didn't notice. If it isn't and she is truly ready for a change at least you know you did everything in your power to try.

teacherman

20th October 2007, 12:32 PM

Well I have tried everything thats been suggested.

I spent ages composing a letter to my wife (Only the second letter I have ever written her) telling her how I feel and what I think I need to do. I have offered to sell the house and either split the proceeds and divorce/seperate or purchase a smaller house together and try to start again (if thats what she wants), the second option would leave us with no money worries for the rest of our lives.

There has been no response at all and its as though I dont exist.
Had a big row with my youngest daughter(19) yesterday. It started over the smallest of things and blew up to epic proportions, I think we are both starting to feel the strain.

I now feel like a total s**t and dont know what to do to sort it out. The problem is we are both of the same sort of temprement and rub each other up the wrong way. There is no mistaking that she is my daughter, its like looking at clone of myself.

I am feeling low again and the situation is now starting to affect my work. Not sure what the next move should be, I honestly think that this it it.

I actually never believed it would come to this but there you go - shows what a blinkered life I have been leading.

Is it just me or did others get to the point of thinking there no use in fighting anymore or going on.

Just feel like drinking myself into oblivion - Help me guys I'm lost and can't find my sense of direction - bad thing for a driving instructor

Tim (Teacherman)

aqua

20th October 2007, 01:34 PM

You're still on the rollercoaster of emotions and have hit the low dip!

There is nothing anyone here can really do except for you to bend our ears, so to speak!

I decided not to fight for my marriage...not because i didn't love my H, but because I wanted to save my sanity! For him there were to be no second chances.

If you drink yourself in to a stupour it might help in the short term, but your problems will still be there and you'll probably have one hell of a hangover which might make you feel worse!

One thing I will be doing is giving every driving instructor and their pupils a very wide berth ! :eek:

regards
aqua

outoftheblue

20th October 2007, 06:10 PM

Oh Tim, please don't despair, I'm sorry my advice didn't work. Just shows what I know about relationships. I keep thinking my H will walk back in and say 'sorry I've been a total prat will you forgive me?' but I'm not now convinced that'll ever happen.

However, I still think writing to her was the right thing to do, it may have come as quite a shock a)to recieve it and b) by it's contents. If you were as honest as you have been on here and she knows you well enough, she will see how hard it was for you to write and admit your faults (assuming you did). If she had replied straight away it could have been a negative response. She may not yet have responded, because she may now not be as certain as she was, what she wants to do and is mulling over your suggestions and seeing if they appeal to her. Whichever way you have been honest with her about your part in the marriage breaking down and you have done everything now to show her you want to put things right and try and save things. If she cannot bring herself to try once more then at least you'll know you tried.

Don't worry about the tension with your daughter, apologise and be honest that the strain is getting to you. Tell you have written to her mum and haven't had a reply. She's old enough to understand the strain you are under and the tension between you is understandable providing you both acknowledge it and don't bear grudges.

Don't drink yourself stupid, Tim, I understand you want the pain to stop, I am in that place too at the mo and really feel I am at the end of my tether. The cruelty of indecision from my H is tearing me apart, our life together was honestly really good and I can't understand how he can walk away from it and leave me coping with everything. I'm knackered to be honest, I don't even feel I can be open about my low ebb with my family. My son wants me to be ok, hates to see me cry etc. My parents are 77 and 80 and can't cope with any of this (different generation etc) and obviously it hurts them to see me broken so I put on a brave face for the world, but the strain is eating me up inside.

I too am lost, being married and living the proverbial normal life means so much to me. I cannot contemplate a future without him and I assume you feel the same.
Cxx

teacherman

27th October 2007, 03:55 PM

I week and one blazing row later.

I have been told under no circustances is there anyway that we will get back together, afraid I have really lost my temper and said quite a few things that looking back where uncalled for.

Thing I cant understand is this -

If she is adamant that its all over and she wants to call it a day why hasnt she instructed her solicitor to get things moving. Its the whole auro of uncertainty thats getting to me. Not sure if I can start to move on untill something concrete has been decided.

If the situations where reversed and it was me that didnt love her I am sure that I would be taking some decisive action at this point.

I am going to see a solicitor on Monday to see exactly how I stand, Think I already know the answer to that one - She is entitled to half of everything I have got.

Really p****s me off that I feel as though i have just been used as a money making machine whilst the kids where growing up.

Drink doesnt help
Smoking doesnt help

I need the love of a good woman (used to think I had one but shows you how wrong you can be)

Stuck at home decorating at the moment -
Why is it that every other record on the radio is a bloody soppy love song.

Can't even find any decent CD's

Do I move on or do I wait for her to make some sort of final decision, Is she hanging back cos shes not sure or am I reading to much into his.

Teacherman(Tim)

outoftheblue

27th October 2007, 05:05 PM

Tim, I feel for you I really do as I am in the same situation with the roles reversed. I had the love of a good man and I loved him completely. I trusted him with my heart and gave him my all, our marriage, our life and our love kept me secure and was everything to me. At the moment it's not enough for him, but I hang on in the hope that one day it will be again.

I really don't know what to advise you to do, my instinct says hang on as I believe in marriage. But if your wife's mind is made up what's the point. The big question you know is 'is her mind made up?' Like you I would assume if she was sure she would be making steps to finalise things so she could move on. If she isn't doing that yet maybe she's not completely sure.... who knows.

Don't forget she is still grieving for her father, and that may be confusing her and at the moment she is unable to think straight about anything. I suppose the best thing to do is stay in the hideous limbo you're currently in.

I have been alone all week and face yet another Saturday night with just the tv for company. At 44 I can't believe my life is so empty. I long to be held and cuddled, to feel safe, to laugh and to live again. I need to be loved and to have someone to love - except I do love someone - still - I love them with all my heart and soul but he doesn't want me at the moment, despite the fact he says he does still love me and thinks about me every day. How then can he just not call for 9 days?

Lonely last night I looked at dating sites anonymously on the internet, but I'm not free to date and nor do I want to. All the people on there are looking for love, but I'm just looking for company. Someone who'll take away the pain of loneliness that is engulfing me and making me feel worthless.

Tim, at least you can focus on the decorating, I see little point in doing up our home. And anyway it is something we always did together. We were a great team, him being tall and me being small worked wonders when hanging wallpaper.

I've lost count of how many times I have broken down over records on the radio, hence my dependence on the internet at the moment.

Try and hang on for a while, let things cool and calm for now. I wouldn't force any issue for now, the choice of what to do has to be hers. You've done all you can, live life in limbo for as long as you can, but I honestly know how utterly soul destroying it is.

C ((XX))

aqua

27th October 2007, 06:33 PM

"the choice of what to do has to be hers. "

Sorry, but I totally disagree with this. The choice can be yours Tim. It's your life. Your wife has made her choice, she doesn't want to be with you. You can choose whether you want to hang around in limbo hoping she might return OR you can do something about it and try and move on with your life.

I know where you're coming from. My husband has been gone 9 months but has no intention of divorce. I don't understand that ??? So once I have sorted out issues of child visitation and finances I will be filing for divorce. Yes, I do still love my husband, but it means nothing to him now.
So what's the point staying married?

"You've done all you can, live life in limbo for as long as you can"

Why live in limbo? It is the worst place to be - waiting, not knowing and not being able to move on with your life. Yes, I was there, but one day I decided decided no more! Life is short and you're a long time dead. Since this decision life has been so much better. I get out and have fun. My self esteen has grown. Yes, I have been on the odd date. No interest in a relationship but it gets me out and my diary is filling up. I only ocassionallyget down but I'm living a life. No, it's not by choice but it's an adventure. How long are you prepared to be in limbo? a month a year 5 years? When you could be trying to have a life.
If your W comes back she comes back but at least you wouldn't have been sitting around pining but if she doesn't at least you were getting on with life.

"I honestly know how utterly soul destroying it is."

it's being in limbo that is soul destroying.

"Lonely last night I looked at dating sites anonymously on the internet, but I'm not free to date and nor do I want to. All the people on there are looking for love"

I have to disagree, again. I have used dating sites and I'm not looking for love. People use dating sites for all sorts of reasons. It's an adventure and a distraction. You are free to meet people even if you are married but you're not ready to. There's nothing wrong with that.
There is a very good site that is geared to friendship not just dating and it was recommended to me by another member from here. It's good fun with lots of meet ups.

Don't stop living waiting for someone who may never come back. You could end in the loony bin if you're not careful. Stop being a doormat and take control. You don't know what is going on in their mind so there is no point in all this supposition

My opinion is that it is easier for you to be in this miserable state than it would be to get up and do something about your life.

I was on the same slippery slope until I decided to take charge of my life. Thanks to the help of people on here , especially jools, Helen and morty.

aqua

cw68

28th October 2007, 06:23 AM

There are others things one can do besides date in order to spend time with others and feel good about oneself. Have you thought about volunteering? There are countless numbers of people out there who need others, often because of situations much worse that the ones we face right now (and I say that realizing that to most of us the situation we face right now is horrific). There's illness and death, for two. I leave feeling productive and am often reminded that my life could be worse -- thought I don't want it to be! There's a local group here in California for which I volunteer that focuses on children who have parents incarcerated for life. You spend time with the child to provide them with a role model in the absence of theirs. The joy and uplifting feeling I get after leaving my session with my gal is heaven. Sometimes I also am frustrated and unsatisfied with our time, but it reminds me to live, to give and want more.

teacherman

28th October 2007, 10:10 AM

Hi all and thanks for the differing view points.

OOTB I have just read all of your thread/s and cant believe how similar our situations are but in reverse. I actually agree with a lot of what you said in your last post. If she was sure then I would have thought she would have taken positive acion by now, I know I would. Its the indifference thats getting to me and the trouble is that the more she ignores whats going on the more uptight and angry I get and then my mouth runs away with me and I say things I regret later.

Aqua, I actually agree with a lot you say as well, Yes I have got to move on and yes I have got to find a life for myself but - after 22 years its dammed hard to just switch off and get going again. I have been out and about but its not the same. Even when out with friends I imagine what it used to be like. I/We used to go to a karaoke night at our club on the last saturday of the month. Although my W didnt sing she did seem to enjoy the evening. Went last night and stayed for about 15 mins. Its just not the same and you find yourself playing gooseberry to all of the other couples around. Came home to sit and wallow in self pity.

Emotions play a great part in this process, hard for a guy to admit but I find myself bursting into tears at the slightest thing.

As I said in my previous post yesterday I am spending the weekend decorating. Got loads of MP3's lined up on the P.C. and was up a ladder painting. A track came on and the memories came flooding back, then the tears started gushing.

I dont mind admiting I am quite an emotional guy, I can cry at Chick Flicks like anybody else (God am I that sad), (although for real emotion watch the Green Mile) but I cant seem to control when the tears come.

At 10:00pm Last night my eldest and her partner took me for a pint after not finding me at the Karaoke night, sat in the pub having a conversation, daughter said something that brought back memories, felt myself welling up yet again. Will it ever stop?

This whole business feels as if someone has taken part of me away. Its as though I am missing an arm or something like that. Even my two dogs (Golden retreivers before anyone asks) are starting to sense something is not right with the world. They miss their mum not stroking them and tickling their bellies (Mind you so do I)

Even down to the decorating, we always used to do that together, she would paste and I would hang the paper as shes scared of heights.

Onwards and upwards - If only I could - Like OOTB I have got to the stage of curling up under the duvet and watching T.V.

I cant and wont try to find another date as at the moment I am still married even if she isnt here. This is where I need her to make a decision.

I wont instigate divorce proceedings - I have always said that I believe marriage should be for life and I dont give in that easy.

Sorry - rambling again - Its a man thing - Its the only thing we are good at.

AnnieP

28th October 2007, 12:14 PM

Teacherman, like OOTB I am with you entirely on this. I cannot give up on him until he tells me its over forever with no chance of a future. He hasn't said that outright yet, as he doesn't know.
I cannot walk away on a 20 year relationship that has been my life. I have been happy with him for 19 and a half of those years. It is worth holding onto until there is no chance.
Limbo is awful, it is soul destroying and depressing to feel so helpless. It is an uncomfortable place to be.
But regretting a bad decision or one made in anger, haste or frustration would be worse. I could not bear the "what if" situation....
Stay strong. Tears are good. Embarrassing, but good. Thinking of you.xxx

aqua

28th October 2007, 04:01 PM

That is all very well, people, hanging on just in case your spouses come out of the 'fog' and realise the error of their ways.

But do you really want someone back who has lied, cheated on you, made love to someone else and bascially made a mockery out of your wedding vows ? T

You basically blame your spouses and their issues for the breakdown of your marriages but what about your own issues. From reading some of the very long posts it sounds like a number of you have possible self esteem issues etc.

How can you expect others to love you if you don't love yourself?

And yes I was the same, but I listened to Jools who was very direct with me!

In some ways people are afraid that they may enjoy a life without their wayward spouse!

"But regretting a bad decision or one made in anger, haste or frustration would be worse. I could not bear the "what if" situation...."

Would it be any worse than the situation you're living now?

teacherman

28th October 2007, 05:48 PM

Got to reply to this one.

Aqua
1st my wife hasnt lied to me she has been up front about her feelings from the very beginning

2nd she hasnt cheated on me, in her words it would be easier if she had as we could move things forward very fast

3rd she hasnt made love to anyone else (see point 2 above)

Just because some relationships break down because of infidelity by one of the partners, please dont assume that this is the same for everyone.

Yes I agree with you it is time to move on and get a life but its just not that easy to throw 22 years away. As Annie and ootb state you have got to hold out some hope until you know one way or another.

Sorry If I seem I am having a go but I dont want anyone reading these posts to assume that my wife is out making love to all and sundry - she just isnt that sort of person and never has been.

aqua

28th October 2007, 06:34 PM

I wasn't actually referring to you, teacherman.

But if you want to rant/ramble (your word) and 'have a go' that's what this site is here for....if it makes you feel better, even for a short while then that is good, isn't it?

AnnieP

28th October 2007, 07:59 PM

Neither has my H made love to another woman. My self esteem is huge (probably too big actually). I am a very successful, confident person who could live quite happily without my spouse, but who DOESN'T want to. Get it?
Please don't suggest that we are mad for wanting our marriages to work out. What on earth is wrong with that?

aqua

28th October 2007, 08:37 PM

Once again, I wasn't referring to you, AnnieP.

But, obviously my post has hit a raw nerve.

BTW, you don't come across as having high self esteem from reading some of your posts. Me thinks you protest too strongly!

...and quite frankly, I'm not surprised by your response.

Replying to some posts is like treading on eggshells just lately.

Remember - if you post on an open forum you're opening yourself up to receiving all sorts of advice. All of it well meaning but may not apply to everyone, but what you take on board is up to you.

jools

28th October 2007, 10:39 PM

I think the differences here are more to do with time than anything else. Aqua and I have both traveled the road that some of you are still on. Our comments are made with hindsight. I battled for 3 years - and post separation, experienced the grief that is natural when a relationship breaks up. The tears when you go out with friends and feel incomplete cos your other half isn't with you. It passes. You become wholly "yourself" again. I no longer feel incomplete. And there's nothing on God's earth that could persuade me to take my H back. Sad? I no longer think so. What would have been sad is if i'd reached old age and realised that i'd struggled on in a relationship that was less than satisfactory. No one's fought harder for their marriage than I did for 3 years. But with hindsight I can honestly say i'm better off. As Natasha Beddingfield would sing "I am unwritten, the pen's in my hand - future unplanned"... And that's quite exciting. I used to miss what I called "my comfort zone" when we first split. But if i'm honest it was delusional. So, Teacherman --- the tears will pass - and you will get stronger. You'll find "you" again and you'll learn to enjoy life without her. Although you won't believe that now. Good luck to us all is what I say!
Jools XXXXXXXX
________
Kitchen Measures (http://kitchenmeasures.com/)

aqua

28th October 2007, 10:46 PM

Jools

wise words indeed!

I want to thank you for all your help. Your advice has been invaluble to me.

Your straight talking was just what I needed, even if it was hard to hear at the time !!!! But I decided to take what you said onboard and look where I am now!

Best wishes
aqua

longestday

28th October 2007, 11:02 PM

aqua / jools,

I'm some months behind you, but reading your posts has given me a much needed boost. I'm planning to leave limboland soon.

Thanks, and best wishes to all

jools

28th October 2007, 11:14 PM

Your straight talking was just what I needed, even if it was hard to hear at the time !!!! But I decided to take what you said onboard and look where I am now!Aqua, i feel ( I am actually struggling to fine a word to put here - strange for me!) It's so good to think that something i've said has had an effect on someone else's life. It makes you realise that these forums are so valuable. I know this one saved my sanity in my dark days.
Longestday -- there is life out there. It's just such a long and tedious initiation ceremony before you're allowed to join it again.
Jools XXX
________
Nexium Class Action (http://www.classactionsettlements.org/lawsuit/nexium/)

aqua

29th October 2007, 09:51 AM

jools - :D! you speechless ? ....hope not!!!!! Some of us here need your words of wisdom and straight-talking!!

longestday - good luck to you mate!
Remember don't go through it alone...we are all here to give you support! You may indeed go through some very dark days.

aqua

teacherman

29th October 2007, 10:14 AM

Quote from Aqua

You basically blame your spouses and their issues for the breakdown of your marriages but what about your own issues. From reading some of the very long posts it sounds like a number of you have possible self esteem issues etc.

How can you expect others to love you if you don't love yourself?

Hi aqua
self esteem and loving myself has never been one of my problems as for blaming my wife for the breakdown of our marriage I have never done this.

From the very beginning of this thread I stated that I am not perfect and that I too have my faults. Maybe because I do love myself and have a high self esteem I was to blind to realise the impact that some of my actions where having on our marriage. I am not saying that there isnt fault on both sides, but lack of communication has led us down this path and now I think it is to late to put it right.

I have used this discussion board for help and advice from others in similar situations. I appreciate that some have been going through this a lot longer than I have but I sometimes think that the hurtful responses posted dont actually help the situation but only make things worse.

I refer to some of the comments from other posters suggesting my wife was having an affair and to dump her like a ton of bricks, whatever the situation this would make anyone sit and think the worse and cause even more problems.

Dont really know what I am trying to say, maybe just that I read all comments even the bad ones and maybe because I am in that emotional state I do take the negative ones to heart. I know people are only trying to help and I thank you all for that.

Maybe you are all saying what I am to frightened to hear.

Tim

haunted husband

29th October 2007, 11:28 AM

teacherman,

Don't believe all the things people say to you. They are speaking from their own experiences, pain, guilt and solitude as well as anger. Several are at a stage of this thing beyond us, anger follows fear as sure as one equinox follows another. We may find ourselves there, we pray to God, we call in our markers, to try to avoid the destruction of our lives that we dread.

Of course we all have faults and by its nature this process has us blame ourselves, in the hope that our loved ones can forgive themselves and see through the mist to the place they once called home, whre their hearts belong. Sometimes that mist thickens to fog nd the way is lost. Stand your ground, teacherman, stay in the place that is safe. From your nick, I am guessing that you and I are in similar lines of work. Work is the last thing on my mind. I manage bits and wandr the house. I stare in to the distance. I put on my acting face and try to do my best but insie I wonder why I bother with any of it. Inside I cry.

Like you I have suferred the same fate. I remain committed and hopeful too but I am conscious of the fact that this could all be over. Right now, like you, I am an emotional wreck. I try to stay strong. The strength of good people here and (at some distance) around me, helps me to cope. I also believe that in some small way my prayer for inner strength is being answered. Last night I may have had the final kiss from the girl I love with al my life.

Stay strong teacherman. Don't give up. It is bcause people like you, me, OOTB and others exist in this world that goodness will always prevail over evil and somehow, somewhere, light will come again.

Believe, teacherman. Believe and it can come true!

Haunted

aqua

29th October 2007, 11:47 AM

oh for goodness sake..........as I said treading on eggshells comes to mind.

Let's go back to the title of this post by Teacherman

"Wife says she doesn't love me"

So my question is...What you gonna do about it then?

You've been given so much advice, whether you agree with it or not is entirely up to you but all of it is well meaning. It's not my fault you find it hurtful, and I make no apologies for my comments.

What's your strategy now, teacherman?

Are you going to try and sort out your marriage or just wait for your wife to decide? You have control of your own life, not your wife. It's no good being a passive bystander. Been there done that! Remember a lot of us here are speaking from experience.

"Maybe you are all saying what I am to frightened to hear."

Exactly.

You only think the responses are 'hurtful' because the truth hurts. You don't want to face the truth. Of course you don't. Do you think any of us want to face that kind of truth? No. Especially, the fact that your wife may not want/love you anymore and there no excuse to hide behind such as affair/ so called MLC or whatever! In some ways that is harder to take.

aqua

29th October 2007, 11:50 AM

Haunted Husband.......you've got me! :eek:

I am a minion of the Devil and all that is evil. :D:D:D

longestday

29th October 2007, 12:16 PM

Jools / Aqua,

A big thank you to both for your support :) xx

Tim,

I've had about an hour and a half of 'conversation' with my W in the last 4 months. She's cut off all contact. I've no idea what's in her mind at all - I came home to find a short letter left on the table, and all her stuff gone.

She won't even talk to her best friends about her plans / feelings - she meets up with them for a drink as if nothing's happened!

I believe in marriage too - she is my first and only love, and we'd been together over 30 years. I don't want to press the divorce button either, but I've realised that staying in this no-mans-land is no longer an option for me. I reckon there's some rough times up ahead, so I'm starting to sort ME out and I'm stopping trying to work HER out. Yes, I do relapse back into the memories and tears, but somehow I'm going to get to a point where I'm happy as a single person. I've never actually been there, so it's like another planet for me.

I'm painting my kitchen at the moment: the radio is off, and the colour would not be her choice...! Bedroom next.

Take care mate, and look after number one, cos no-one else will

aqua

29th October 2007, 12:29 PM

You're very welcome, Longestday.

If my frank, honest and well meaning words have in some way helped a little then it was worth it. I'm not going to pat anyone on the head and say, there, there everything is going to be fine. Hope is all you need. If everything is going to be fine, then fantastic, but I don't have a crystal ball and there are no gaurantees in life.

I can totally relate to what you say. I was with my husband 20 years. My way of life now has not been of my choosing, but I've decided to just get on with it! It's not always easy, there are knocks along the way, but I get up, dust myself down and carry on! For me, the trick is not to look too far ahead.

I think you're being realistic in that you know it's not going to be easy living life as a single person. I found keeping busy helped, especially in the early days. I hope ithelps you, too.

Don't forget if you want to hear the advice/experiences of others, or to just rant and rave you know where we are. I can take being a verbal punch bag for you !

BTW, when you've finished painting your bedroom you can come round and paint mine!!! ;);)

take care

aqua

longestday

29th October 2007, 12:40 PM

Hi aqua,

colour........?

off to work now, smile in place!

aqua

29th October 2007, 12:42 PM

Longest day

Flaming red....I miss home !!!! :p

Take care and keep smiling

aqua

outoftheblue

29th October 2007, 02:51 PM

Aqua, I understand you have been through a painful time not of your choosing, and are further down the track emotionally than a lot of us.

However, your comment about treading on eggshells is upsetting. Of course a number of us are sensitive and emotionally raw and you having been through this should perhaps appreciate that. You have found your inner strength which is great but please don't get exasperated with those of us yet to do so.

It is kind of you to point out that we get what we're given on a public forum and to a certain extent that is true. But the reason I and many others are here is because the site promotes itself as a place to come to repair marriage. Many of us genuinely want to do that however badly we have been wronged. So we want to be with like minded people - those going through it and yes those through the other side. But the least we should be able to expect is that those like minded people understand our pain and know where we are coming from. Of course the advice will be varied and not always palatable, and whilst much of it is very well meant the way in which it is sometimes offered is less so.

aqua

29th October 2007, 03:26 PM

"your comment about treading on eggshells is upsetting"

It's not my fault you find it upsetting, but I just say as I find.

Look at the responses from other people like Jools and Befree...for example they say things "we don't want to upset you but..." or " I know you don't want to hear this but " ....or words to that effect.

It is exactly like treading on eggshells - crunch crunch.

Plus you make an awful lot of assumptions about me...

"Of course a number of us are sensitive and emotionally raw and you having been through this should perhaps appreciate that. You have found your inner strength which is great but please don't get exasperated with those of us yet to do so."

a. I do appreciate what people are going so though - check out my responses to other threads and peoples appreciation of my thoughts. How can you possibly tell me I don't.

b. How do you know I have inner strength? I've never said I have. I have just decided to get on with life - it's just a necessity nothing to do with inner strength.

c. I am not exasperated. I just give my opinion. As I said take it or leave it. Why do you take things so personally ?Haven't you noticed that most people don't respond to your threads.... just a certain few. Have you thought about why that might be? My guess, and I might be wrong ,is they are worried you might take things the wrong way! You've only got to look at some threads, to see that is actually true. You seem to like people feeding your unhappy state of mind and dismiss the ones that don't

As I said I make no apologies for any of my comments. I make them all in good faith. If they help just one person then they are worth it.

Re: my comments - you can take them or leave them. Why do you always feel the need to respond to something that you don't agree with? They are not exclusively designed for one person unless stated. This is an open forum. If you don't like what you read ignore it, that's what I do. I certainly don't feel the need to have a long drawn out 'debate' when I disagree with something or it's hurt my feelings. Also,I don't take it so personally.

I've been given advice in the past, from this site. I always appreciated it when people have taken the time to responded ,even if I didn't agree with their advice. I certainly didn't spend time blasting them with why it wouldn't work for me and how they should treat me with kid gloves and pat me on the head etc etc.

I find it quite selfish of you to think all responses are geared towards you personally. Why should I change my posts just because you don't like the tone? I would expect others to feel the same as you, but also on the other hand, there are people out there who appreciate the fact that I've taken the time to offer my experiences and advice. Food for thought isn't it?

Some people appreciate straight talk, others don't. As I've said ignore it if you don't agree with it or don't like the tone.

It really is that simple.

aqua - stepping down off the rather large soap box.

Helen_uk

29th October 2007, 03:52 PM

Aquaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

Long time no chat............. Standing on your soap box again hon ? lol

Seriously though, I can see where you're coming from regarding straight advice. I always value advice that comes from the heart or from someone's direct experience . I don't always like it, but if you ask for advice on an open forum that's exactly what ya gonna get !

Our own experiences are always going to colour the advice we give, and none of us are qualified psychologists ( we'd be charging if we were ! ). Personally I think your advice is always delivered with a good deal of empathy........... Just my opinion ( before I get shot down in flames ! )

Helen xx

aqua

29th October 2007, 04:46 PM

Heleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeen me old mate

How are things? Still busy? if you know what I mean????:eek:

I'm sure you will be shot down in flames for your words...and I bet I know which posters will be dying to do just that ;)

"Our own experiences are always going to colour the advice we give"
Absolutely, couldn't agree with you more, Helen.

"Personally I think your advice is always delivered with a good deal of empathy"
Absolutely, couldn't agree with you more, Helen. :D:D:D:D

"none of us are qualified psychologists"

In my opinion, if you want proper professional advice then go and pay for it.

Helen - I've got a fire extinguisher if you need one...just holla if you need it!

Anyway..........slightly OT, one of the members who I have regular email contact with has likened me to good old Markus.......now should this worry me? nah. I don't take things so personally :p:D:D:p

I used to enjoy reading markus' posts and they were reguarly spot on with the advice given!
Where is he these days? Hope life is treating you well, markus

aqua

outoftheblue

29th October 2007, 06:51 PM

Thank you Aqua for that most insightful character assassination of me and my threads. I wasn't being selfish or taking anything personally, I was actually trying to support some of the guys on here whose values I agreed with and whose opinions differed to yours. That's all.

I take the hint, though, and whilst you proudly don't apologise for your comments however hurtful they seem I will apologise to anyone including you if my opinions or assumptions caused you or anyone else offence, and I genuinely mean that.

We come from a different place Aqua and behave differently because of that. I won't get into any further debates with you or anyone else as I'm afraid I just don't need this at the moment.

I will bow out gracefully. Sorry.

aqua

29th October 2007, 07:15 PM

Of course you're taking it personally - why send the repsonse you have!

Actually, I'm not surprised by your response. Some might say it's a tad immature .Throwing your toys out of your cot. No one wants you to leave this site. You have made that decision for your self.
I think it's called 'cutting your nose off to spite your face'

"whose opinions differed to yours.."

so what? It would be a boring forum if everyone agreed with everyone else. I relish a good debate and I certainly don't expect everyone to agree with my opinions, why would I?

" I take the hint, though, "

what hint might that be? I haven't hinted at anything. Please enlighten me.

"I will apologise to anyone including you if my opinions or assumptions caused you or anyone else offence, and I genuinely mean that."

Why apologise? I don't want your apologies as you have nothing to apologise for. You have a different point of view. That's life!
Your assumptions didn't cause me offence or hurt or anything. It was your point of view I was just pointing out how wrong your assumptions were of me.

You said my comments are hurtful, well, don't you think that some of your comments could be hurtful too! Personally, just for the record, I don't find your comments hurtful at all, but just a differing point of view, which we are all entitled to have.

Well if your not coming back then good luck to you, but if you do decide to stay then all well and good.

AnnieP

30th October 2007, 09:12 AM

Teacherman.... how are you today?

teacherman

30th October 2007, 07:02 PM

Hi annie I am fine, thanks for asking.

I kept away from the thread yesterday after what started happening between other posters.

I dont want to have a go at anyone because I do value any advice given even the bad/negative stuff (sorry aqua I know you mean well).

As I have said previously some of you are a lot further down the line than myself and I am still in that emotional state - I wont apologise for this, its the sort of bloke I am.

I agree its time I started looking after myself and started looking ahead but I am concentrating on putting right the things I can (I.E. Finances, the amount of time I work etc) in the hope that this may help the situation.

One thing I have done is spend an hour with a good solicitor - The advice was excellent and it has set my mind straight about a few things.

I still dont want that to be the outcome but as aqua has so firmly put - I cant keep living in the past I have got to move on sometime.

Each day brings its trials and problems and each day I think I am starting to hurt a little less but then something just triggers it all off again.

Only time will tell.

For anyone reading this who is worried about some of the previous posts - Dont be - As aqua has said they are meant in the best possible way and sometimes the truth actually hurts. From what I have seen of this site its about getting everything off of your chest and learning from the experience of others. I know its hard, but dont be offended, everyone and I mean everyone means well.

The one thing I will take from all that has happened is this:

It has made me realise that I am not the husband I thought I was. I hoped, as most men do, that by working hard to acheive a nice house etc, was what was needed.

I know realise that showing more love and affection to not only my wife but also the kids is the main thing I should have been doing and not taking them for granted.

Maybe too late this time but if there is going to be a life for me and I can learn to love someone else then I sure as hell wont make the same mistakes again.

take care all

Lots of love etc - Tim (teacherman)

schoolrunmum

30th October 2007, 08:56 PM

teacherman

30th October 2007, 09:28 PM

Tim-your post should be compulsory reading for all men!!!!My husband is doing just as you said, working all hours, throwing the kids gifts etc but not what they want or even need....his time and attention...before he knows it they'll have grown up and he'll wonder where his relationship with them went wrong....much love to you.....SRM x

SRM
Your H sounds just like I was in the early years of my kids lives. I worked away from home Mon to Fri and friday would see me arriving home with gifts for the kids usually bought from motorway service stations.

Looking back I now realise that I missed the most important years of their lives and this is certainly shown in the relationship I have with them today.

Only advice I can offer is to do something I wish my wife would have done with me - Sit him down, talk to him and explain your concerns, Hell show him my thread so that he might see early enough what problems a lack of attention can cause not only with the kids but with you as well.

Good Luck

Teacherman

schoolrunmum

30th October 2007, 09:42 PM

Tim- he is following the same path his father trod...his Dad worked abroad, would turn up occasionally laden with gifts, promise the earth then disappear for months. I tried pointing out the similarities in their behaviour but he though I was being ridiculous! His relationship with his father now is better than before but still not what I would call father and son...I have never heard him call him "Dad"..just by his christian name. I guess(amateur psychology alert!) he doesn't feel like he had a dad.
He is too touchy to bring the subject up-in a row a few weeks ago he said "Your turning the kids against me!" I pointed out I didn't have to-he was doing a good enough job on his own.Probably not very smart of me, that..He is in Rio till friday afternoon, then down to Spain sat morning for a "boys" week on our boat.When he gets back its immediately off to Bangkok. Kids won't really see him till mid November, and he misses Parents evening at school, merit assembly , bonfire nite fun etc..and he has the audacity to say I make him feel excluded from the family!!! WTF???

nik1h

30th October 2007, 09:45 PM

Tim-your post should be compulsory reading for all men!!!!

Im furious at this. I put my wife and child first. Turned down overtime to be with them ahead of material posessions. Totally sexist!!!!

teacherman

30th October 2007, 09:49 PM

Im furious at this. I put my wife and child first. Turned down overtime to be with them ahead of material posessions. Totally sexist!!!!

nik1h - Chill man - its only a womans view point

schoolrunmum

30th October 2007, 10:31 PM

Apologies Nik1h-you're right, it was a sweeping generalisation..but coming from my veiwpoint, I've only ever known one man-married my first boyfriend, so my whole love life is a total of 1..so a total generalisation for me..sorry for offence..I guess lots of us here aren't thinking entirely clearly and maybe (just a little) wrapped up in our own probs.Still there's hope for us all...........sorry,sorry,sorry....

nik1h

30th October 2007, 11:01 PM

schoolrunmum

30th October 2007, 11:29 PM

Hey Nik..also meant to say its obvious not all guys are like that..look at you, teacherman and haunted..you're here because you are warm,feeling guys...there's cold hearted b******s of both sexes out there...xx

teacherman

2nd November 2007, 01:50 PM

What do you do when your been torn apart inside.

I tried to speak to the W on wednesday - no change at all - she still wants the divorce and wants to get it done with as quick as possible. (Unreasonable behaviour is being mentioned WTF)

When we do speak (which isnt often) its as though she really hates me, Apart from what I have already mentioned in this thread I cant seem to put my finger on what I have done that has made her hate me so much.

Every time I see her I break down inside, I try to keep these feelings to myself but it is so damn hard. I love her so much and I know this may sound stupid but I probably love her more now than I ever did.

I can understand that our marriage may be over but why the hate and resentment, I have tried in my own way to be the perfect husband, I know I havent always done the right thing but to be treat like this hurts more than the fact she wants a divorce.

I have decided that I never want to be with another woman again. You are much to complicated.

My solicitor advised me that If I still have feelings for her then not to instigate divorce proceedings. She is the one wanting the break up so she should be the one to start the ball rolling. Thinks my solicitor is a bit of a councilor on the side. She reckons that the only way I will except that its over is when the W actually serves me with the papers.

Maybe she is right. I still hold out hope that we could be together but i think I am clutching at straws.

As I said in an earlier post - theres only so many times you can be kicked in the teeth. At the moment it just feels like I am dead inside. Depression is setting in - will it ever end.

schoolrunmum

2nd November 2007, 03:50 PM

Oh Teach...I think yr solicitor is right..let her be the one to start things off,at some point in the future that'll be one less thing for W to throw at you .."You divorced me!" She made her bed, let her see if she really wants to lie in it. You sound so hurt, so down, so downright SAD (not in THAT way!).Try not to tar us all with the same brush-I'm not at all complicated, all I ask is someone to love me...I'm not demanding,I'm very easygoing and the glass is always half full...but apparantly thats not enough...don't allow yourself to sink into depression..it's very easy to slip into self pity.If you need to get things off yr chest,then blow off steam here..we are all in similar boats and won't think any less of you. You have (virtual) friends. You are loved. Turn some loud music on and howl if it helps- I do!
Hugs, SRM x
Hey-has anyone ever thought of arranging a get-together ??

outoftheblue

2nd November 2007, 06:29 PM

Tim,

So sorry things are going so horribly for you at the moment. I feel for the situation your wife is putting you in and wish she would see sense. You're admitting you didn't put her or your marriage at the top of your priorty list for too many years, but you do now realise your mistake and are prepared to put things right. So many people never see the error of their ways, let alone apologise and try to make amends. It takes a big guy to admit the faults you have and I for one really admire you for that and feel sorry that your wife seems to have made up her mind to punish you.

Don't whatever you do instigate or agree to a divorce, even by doing so for a quiet life, you're admitting you don't want to be with her anymore. If there is any ounce of you that does, do not do anything to end the marriage. The impetus must come from her - if that is really what she wants. Stay true to your marriage vows until she walks away.

Good luck Tim and stay as strong as you can.
Cxx

teacherman

2nd November 2007, 06:34 PM

God I'm feeling even worse now.

I have just had to let our 2 Lovebirds go to a new home (My daughters).
My daughter bought these for my wife when her mum died hoping it would help and for a while it did.

Now she cant even be bothered with them. Our two dogs havent a clue whats going on, I think they are wondering if they are next.

Dont worry boys I will shoot the wife first.

As for a get together. Damn fine idea, loads of individuals wallowing in self pity and depression getting slowly drunk. (Before all the negative comments arrive - That was a joke)

Mind you once the alcohol kicks in the party could really get started. Put everything behind us and look to the future.

SRM - Loud musics on all the time - See my other post "ONE FOR FUN"
Mind you gone from the depressive music to some good old memory days.

Currently listening to the following.

The Sweet, Mud, Showaddywaddy, The Rubbettes and with a little bit of Slade and Wizard thrown in for good measure. Bet the neighbours hate me as well - Mind you shes living next door so who gives a F***

outoftheblue

2nd November 2007, 06:53 PM

This is really serious now, Mud Showaddywaddy and the Rubettes. Get a grip man. This can't go on. I can't stand the thought of you doing Tiger Feet all by yourself, that just isn't right for any man!!

Sorry the birds have gone, I can understand how symbolic their going must be for you. Hang on to the dogs they are far more loyal anyway. Although I would imagine they are hiding somewhere tryng to avoid the onslaught of 70's glam rock. What breed are they?

As you're of the same generation as me Bay City Rollers " Bye Bye Baby" is also appropriate. I had the socks but not the tartan scarf!
Just thought as we've been listening to break up songs all our lives, even from before we had partners, maybe we've all be programmed for this to happen in our lives to perpetuate the music industry.

teacherman

2nd November 2007, 07:05 PM

The dogs are both Golden Retrievers 8 and 9. They are the most loyal dogs you could ever wish for and they are keeping me going at the moment.

One look into their sad eyes and I forget all my troubles.

Mind you its a race to see who gets into bed first on a night.

P.S. Nothing wrong with a bit of tiger feet its when we get to the cat crept in that youv'e got to worry (ha ha)

schoolrunmum

2nd November 2007, 08:15 PM

We are obviously all of a similar vintage then! Bye bye baby was the first record I ever bought!!!Went to see the BCR last year (Oh the shame!) in a 70s show wth Davids Essex and Cassidy, and someone else who I can't remember...dug out my old BCAL uniform for the tartan theme...
Can u see us all on a nite out then?? Knocking back red wine and karaoke-ing to stuff like "All by myself" and the perennial fave "I will survive"...not a pretty image.(.remember Bridget Jones???) .
Whereabouts are you guys anyway? I'm Mid Sussex....

teacherman

2nd November 2007, 11:05 PM

Im in the north of England ( Bradford) and I love Karaoke.
Cant stand red wine though, will have to stick to the preverbial pint ( Tetleys of Course)

Bay city rollers - Even I wouldnt admit to that one

Tim

outoftheblue

3rd November 2007, 10:16 AM

I went to see Donny Osmond a few years ago and he was brilliant. Haven't done the David Cassidy thing though, he's had too much work done on his face and looks weird now. Donny on the other hand is still fab and can parody himself really well. I'm in Kent by the way so am up for the Karaoke.
I have had many Bridget Jones moments recently, particularly the one where she's in the bath feeling very sorry for herself.

Wish Colin and Hugh would fight over me (though I do think Hugh maybe a bit of a bachelor bastard in real life). I'd love someone to 'Love me just the way I am' as Colin does Bridget - shame it's only a film.

teacherman

3rd November 2007, 10:25 AM

OOTB

Yeah thats all we all want - Someone to love us for what we are.

I, like you, am in some sort of limbo land at the moment. My other half on the other hand seems to be living life as a single person again. Going out and staying out till all hours.

I think the kids know more than they are letting on but are too frightened to tell me.

Most of my friends seem to think there is someone else involved, but I still cant believe she would do that to me, but then again, I didnt expect this either.

Got to admit that I am really starting to get suspicious now and even a little jealous. Cant seem to put these feeling out of my head and its starting to cloud my judgement a bit.

If you add up all of her behaviour (the hating me, wanting her independance, the going out till all hours, the speed of everything, the attitude of the kids) then its does point to what everyone else is telling me, but I still cant or wont believe it.

Starting to think that maybe I should go and see some sort of guidance expert on my own just so I can try to get stuff sorted out in my head.

The more I think the negative thoughts the worse I seem to get.

outoftheblue

3rd November 2007, 10:52 PM

They're not negative thoughts Tim, they are fearful thoughts. You fear the worst and hate yourself for doing so, but little by little you know that there must be a grain of truth somewhere. As your kids are old enough have you asked them outright what is going on? They may be trying to keep quiet to protect your feelings but may be relieved to share the fears with you.

I think you should open up to them if you can it will help you cope and may let them see a side of you they haven't seen before. Until now they may have thought you were ok and coping with thier mum's behaviour, but by showing your upset and vulnerability they will respect you for your openness and may even be able to alleviate some of your fears.

The coldness and disinterest of a much loved partner is one of the cruels things to bear. Not knowing or understanding why is awful and you deserve so much more. Is it shame or cowardice on their part. Are they trying to piss us off enough to get us to hate them and end the relationship thus salving their consciences? Probably, but it's a pretty low thing to do and I for one won't bite. Tim stay strong, if she wants to end it with you, she needs to find the courage and decency to do it.

aqua

3rd November 2007, 11:25 PM

OOTB

"Tim stay strong, if she wants to end it with you, she needs to find the courage and decency to do it.!

I agree!

but I think that's exactly what they don't have, courage or decency !!!

aqua

teacherman

17th November 2007, 10:37 AM

Well its over

She has instructed her solicitors and the divorce papers have been filed.
She tells me she has been looking at flats so that she can move away totally. She will stop paying her half of the mortgage and bills etc at the end of this month.

Not sure how I feel - Devasted, upset, hurt all of those but also a sense of relief that I now know what direction we are going in.

She admitted that she has been seeing someone else when she goes out with the girls but nothing has come of it. Not sure if I believe that one but its nothing to do with me anymore.

Just amazed at the total speed of all of this and its looks like she has been planning this for a while.

Well if she thinks she will be better off without me then so be it. I for one will be happy in the knowledge that I tried my best. It might not have always been what was needed but it was the best I could manage given the set of circumstances we where in.

Time now to move on with my own life (got to actually try and get one)

Good luck to all of you out there

Tim (Teacherman)

nik1h

17th November 2007, 08:30 PM

Hi Tim,

So sorry to hear the divorce has begun. I guess like you said to me at least you are not in limbo anymore. It still hurts though. Im STILL waiting!!!

Maybe we should have a pint and chew the fat (Im in Wakefield)

Might counselling help? I been having it for months now and its good to let off steam with a professional!

Nick

teacherman

18th November 2007, 09:53 AM

Hi Nik

Believe it or not I have actually been to a couple of counselling sessions. The Lady I saw was really good but was at a loss to explain my wifes actions. Not sure if I will go again as I cant see the point.

I think the realisation of what is happening has finally hit me with a bang. I actually thought I was getting to grips with this but just goes to show how wrong I was.

Spent the last 24 hours in tears contemplating all of the things that have probably gone through your mind and lots of others but I know that thats not the solution to the problem.

You see the thing is, despite all that is happening I still love her and want her back.
Life feels so empty and meaningless at the moment and I find myself working even harder to numb the pain. This was one of the problems in the first place.

I cant get it into my head that she would contemplate going with someone else after all these years. I know I am not gods gift to women but I thought I was O.K., maybe over weight but you know we build em big up here in Yorkshire.

The offer of a pint and a chin wag is very tempting and maybe in a couple of weeks once I have got my head around this I could take you up on the offer.

I hope your situation doesnt get this far but you know I will be there for you if you need someone to talk to.

Oh **** I am turning into an agony aunt. It amazing how all of us on here can seem to help others but we cant seem to get our own acts together.

Tim

aqua

18th November 2007, 11:02 AM

Hi Teacherman

Sorry about your situation.

"The Lady I saw was really good but was at a loss to explain my wifes actions. "

I don't think anyone can explain your wife's actions except your wife herself and she might not be able to either if she's confused. No counsellor should even be contemplating considering trying to do so. It's not constuctive to helping you.

We all think we're getting to grips with a situation ,but find it's not the case. You're hurting - that is not going to go away quickly because you still love your wife.

One of the reason's you can't contemplate your wife going with someone else is because you can't yourself going with someone else. You love your wife, she doesn't love you. Harsh words I know. I'm there too.

I still love my husband (bizarre I know) but I could never have him back. That's very hard to deal with.

Try and live life day to day mate. I find looking too far in to the future is the killer.

Take care
aqua

longestday

19th November 2007, 12:35 AM

Hi Tim,

I'm saddened to hear your news. It must be like going back to square one emotionally, and starting the grieving all over again...

Like you, I've been trying to understand my wife's actions, without any real input from her. It's emotionally exhausting to keep doing it, but I reckon it won't stop for you overnight. I've managed to cut it down, but I'm still at it.

Fair enough, while trawling through the past few years (and then some) I've come up with areas where I'm at fault, and where our relationship has suffered at my hands. I know you've been doing the same. On my better days, I realise that beating yourself up like this is NO USE. We have no control here - it's our spouses that threw in the towel, not us. We all seem to be still in love with our other halves, but struggling to accept the death of our relationships.

Aqua - you said it : 'I still love my husband (bizarre I know) but I could never have him back. That's very hard to deal with.'

Somehow, we'll have to find a way to live with this unrequited love we have. Aqua, if you have any tips here....?

One thing that seems to come across strongly when reading advice, and when talking to people who've been through the mill: you can't start to heal properly until you can accept your relationship is finally over.

Tim - I hope your healing can get going in earnest now.

Take care, and best wishes to you all,
LD

aqua

19th November 2007, 08:49 AM

"Somehow, we'll have to find a way to live with this unrequited love we have. Aqua, if you have any tips here....? "

I live just fine with my unrequited love for my husband. I know it's there and I'm not going to deny it. I've trained myself not to think about it every day anymore. But we have a long history and children, so for me it's going to take time to un-love him.
I have a great job which has kept me going and supportive coworkers. I live week to week and I don't look ahead. I had counselling for six moths which was very helpful. I've revamped my appearance and had to buy a whole new wardrobe due to unintentional weight loss!

I've decided to turn it in to a positive for me - a new me has emerged from all of this and one I like better.

However, that is my experience after 10 months.

I would never give tips on how to deal with situations. What has worked for me may not work for someone else. Each case is unique. But I've just given an insight in to what has helped me get on with life.

"you can't start to heal properly until you can accept your relationship is finally over. "

Agreed!
My husband kept me in limbo for 4 months. He said he was leaving for some space and that our marriage wan't over. He didn't have the guts to tell me he had no intention of coming back. After the 4 months I decided to accept it was over and my life has beem so much better.

I'm in a fairly happy place now. That's good enough for me for now.

aqua

longestday

19th November 2007, 11:49 AM

Hi Aqua,

My choice of the word 'tips' was not a good one, but thanks for your insights. I'm glad you're turning things round, and living in a happy place more or less. It's been 5 months for me so far, and I've only recently separated our relationship and my feelings into two distinct things. I'm hoping this is the first step to me being able to accept the end of our marriage, and move on.

Believe me, your input is a real help.

All the best,

LD

teacherman

3rd December 2007, 09:48 AM

Well its over
My wife is moving in with her lover on saturday. What a great christmas present. Both me and the kids are devastated.

I had been holding out hopes that this was a passing phase and that we would be able to work around it but it seems that I have been totally stupid.

Funny but even now as I write this I would welcome her back with open arms, we used to be good together but there you go.

Not sure where I go from here, I have got to try and move on but its so damn hard and every day is getting to be a chore getting up and going to work, I love her so much.

Divorce papers filed and it looks like we have agreed the finances between us so divorce and the single life looms.

Take care everyone

Tim

nik1h

3rd December 2007, 09:42 PM

I had been holding out hopes that this was a passing phase and that we would be able to work around it but it seems that I have been totally stupid.

Funny but even now as I write this I would welcome her back with open arms, we used to be good together but there you go.

Tim

Tim, So sorry mate. I really feel gutted for you.

As Billy boy said would you really be able to have her back now? I suspect my wife might be seeing someone now and its not pleasant.

The whole system is very corrupt. My wife is spending money from sons bank account now so im not 2 happy!!

Hows things with you Billy boy?

aqua

3rd December 2007, 10:13 PM

Tim

What devastating news.

"had been holding out hopes that this was a passing phase and that we would be able to work around it ....."

Know how you feel ...I felt like that for the first four months after my husband left.

"divorce and the single life looms."

Same for me too!!!! You are not alone. It ain't a nice feeling is it?

Billyboy has made a good point - would you really want your wife back after the way she has treated you? I know even though I stupidly still love my husband, I could never take him back.

Generally, I feel quite positive about life, but at this moment in time, I seem to have hit a low point. I refuse to let it get the better of me.

Tim - try not to think too far into the future. I think that is a killer.
Try hard to keep it together, mate. I know how bleak things can seem.

Stay in touch
aqua

teacherman

4th December 2007, 10:05 AM

Hi All
You ask would I have her back even after what she has done.
The simple answer is yes. I am not a religous man but I belief in the principle of forgivness. I sit and look back over the happy times we have had and I am sure that given a chance we could get these back.

This is the part that hurts the most, not being given a chance to put things right.

Its all to quick for me - Seperation to divorce to meeting another man and moving in with him all in the space of 3 months.

Even my kids are starting to worrry like myself. She has lost and enormous amount of weight and I know she is not eating properly. The area she tells me she is moving into is one of the worst areas in our city.

How can someone want to move from a nice home and area to a grotty part of the city and say that thats going to be a better life.

You will probably all think I am mad but yes I still love her and yes I would forgive and forget everything that has happened but I am not going to get that chance.

Not sure what to do now I thought life could not get any worse but it does. Its started to affect my work and I just cant be bothered anymore.

At the end of all this I still dont know what it is I have done that was so wrong. Even if you look at the grounds on the divorce papers they dont make sense.

Working to hard - I thought thats what I was supposed to do to keep us secure.

Thanks for your input it helps to know that someone cares

Tim

longestday

4th December 2007, 10:53 PM

Hi Tim,

You will probably all think I am mad but yes I still love her and yes I would forgive and forget everything that has happened but I am not going to get that chance.

I don't think you're remotely mad. I would love another chance too, but this looks to be impossible for us.

I'm very sorry to hear your news.

We all seem to have tons of love to offer, and no-one to spend it on but our kids and ourselves. I don't know about you Tim, but I'm not exactly in love with myself at the mo...

Aqua's right: the only way to get thro is one day at a time - a happy life is just a series of individual happy days.

chin up,

LD

teacherman

8th December 2007, 01:52 PM

Well D Day Approaches (Sunday)

Thats the day she is supposed to be moving in with the new fella. Sort of coming to terms with it but its dammed hard.

Spent 2 hours yesterday shredding our wedding photos (Not sure I should have really done that) The memories came flooding back.

Had an hour with a councillor on Friday - She tells me that its not all my fault and that my other half simply needed to move on.

I cant help blaming myself, the more I think about the problems the more I know I have been the cause of them.

Most of our financial problems where of my making and when they happened I buried my head in the sand and hoped they would go away.
The last couple of months have been an eye opener and hopefully I have now regained control of the money issues unfortunately at the expense of my marriage.

The lack of communication with the kids is one that I will have to live with for the rest of my life - Not sure if I will ever be able to repair those relationships.

Work still plays a major part of my life and now because of the situation I find myself having to work even harder just to keep my head above water.
But I wont be beaten - I got us both into this mess and its up to me to get myself out of it.

Thing that really hurts the most is that now I have realised all of my faults I wont have the opportunity to put them right but as the saying goes Life Sucks

So here we go - Life as a single man and a big mortgage - Not sure If I will ever find love again it hurts too much, I genuinly hope my wife finds the happiness she craves, god she deserves it after living and putting up with someone like me.

Good luck everyone
and if you can, have a great Xmas - Lets hope the new year is better for all of us.

Tim (Teacherman)

nik1h

8th December 2007, 11:24 PM

I must confess I dont know your full story but from what I remember you aint done much wrong. Get another councellor, One who works with you not against you.

If you need to talk nmatty@hotmail.co.uk on msm most nights from 7pm

sennen

9th December 2007, 02:04 PM

Hello i have been and still am in exactley the same situation married for 20 years two teenage sons, after i found out that this time last year my wife had been having an affair for at least six months probably longer ,i was devestated that the person i trusted more than anyone had done this ,her reason was "things have been bad for years " its really strange how our other halfs just come out and tell you as though in some strange way its your fault and they justify their behaviour.

Sorry my friend but there could be someone else involved here watch her like a hawk but dont get wound up ,if you find out there is someone else DONT shout at her she will only justify her behaviour even more from experiance my wife has blamed me for her adultry, and i was ther for her when her father died infact everything in our lives went seriusly down hilol from there and i recon she was looking for something to fill her void,i was there but emotionally she was planets away from me ,so i do understand your position.

A year on i,m much stronger but i,m affraid you have to go through a lot of pain and soul searching along the way i still love my wife but unfortunatley i still dont fully trust her now that i know what she CAN be capable of.

Never get into the position of thinking your wife is a good girl and wouldnt do anything like that believe me they do.

Sorry to be blunt but i know fron personal experience.Take care of yourself and believe in you you have too.

Sennen.

outoftheblue

9th December 2007, 02:12 PM

Tim,
So so sorry that things haven't worked out for you. I'm sure your wife will live to regret the hastiness of her decision. Maybe she ned to go to find the grass isn't greener and that whilst you made mistakes, you have woken up to them and are tried to make things right.

I do think you should continue to believe in forgiveness as the speed with which your wife 'moved on' means that maybe she will be going from the frying pan into the fire. If she wakes up to this in the cold light of day in the new year then maybe there will be a chance for you both again.

Who knows, but stay true to who you are as a person, don't make yourself hate her just because you feel you should. Yes, Christmas will be horrid because of her decision to go now, but don't let anger destroy who you are.

Thinking of you with fondness and prayers.
Take care
Cxx

teacherman

16th December 2007, 10:47 AM

Well one week on after she moved out and my life seems so empty and worthless.

While my other half is living the high life with her new fella I am left to pick up the pieces and try to keep a roof over my head whilst still paying all the bills and debts etc.

Thing thats now starting to bother me is this.

Its been 5 weeks since my wife showed me the divorce papers. We agreed I would not contest these and cross petition for adultery if she would sign over the house to me. I in turn would accept all responsibility for the outstanding mortgage, debts bank overdraft etc.

I spoke to her on Thursday evening and she informed me that she hadnt even spoken to her solicitor yet.

I know my solicitor has written to hers with the above proposal which she said she was happy with but nothing has happened.

I am now in another state of Limbo. My plan was to remortgage the house and pay of all the debts etc and start all over again, yes with a big mortgage but at least with a clean slate.

I cant do this until she has agreed officially through her solicitors and signed the paperwork.

She did say that on the day she moved out she would sign some forms I have for the remortgage but has not done this.

Anybody any ideas as to what I should do. If I now cross petition for adultery then she could force me to sell the house. After settling everything she would end up with a little money and the house she is in with her lover, I on the other hand would end up with nothing.

I didnt think things could get any worse but every time I say that, THEY DO.

Tim

nik1h

16th December 2007, 11:11 PM

Ti mate,

I dont know what you can do.

You can start proceedings but yes at the risk of been forced to sell the house plus the extra costs of been the petitioner.

As you know i am in a similar position of limbo but i have decided to leave it til after xmas now unless circustances force my hand.

I also have xmas eve to contend with (the day i proposed).

Wish I could help more. Going to be hard for lots of us on here I guess.

Chin up everyone. (wish I could follow my own advice)

nice idiot guy

6th January 2008, 06:17 PM

Hi Teacherman

I have followed most of your story cuz am in similar situation. I read ur latest post on someone elses thread stating that one should not give up on the wife, no matter what the advice is. May I ask why you say that. You may see from my thread that I am very close to a divorce, and on balance think we should divorce though I love her. I was just curious why you think the advice to you was late..etc.. surely, u wouldnt have wanted to live with someone who didnt love you anymore.

Thanks

Maurice

teacherman

6th January 2008, 10:19 PM

Hi Maurice

You ask why I think the advice to me was too late,

Looking back over the last few months I have now come to realise how much I took my marriage and my wife for granted. I am not saying I didnt do things around the house etc because I did.

What I didnt do was to pay as much attention to my wife as i should have done. I found that I had settled into that comfort zone where I believed everything was O.K.

I was too blind to see that my wife was unhappy with the lack of attention I was showing her because I was to wrapped up in work.

If I had realised what was happening a lot earlier then I believe i could have rectified the problems and maybe just maybe my wife wouldnt have fallen out of love with me.

I still do love my wife even though she has moved in with another man. I know it sounds stupid but she was my soul mate and for me marriage was and still is for life.

It is all to easy to give up on things nowadays without working on the problems. In my case its now to late as my wife has moved on.

I give my advice in the hope that anyone going through a similar situation can try to communicate with their partners before things get too bad, this is where I went wrong, lack of communication and understanding.

Obviously my advice will not be applicable to all situations but I would hope that maybe anyone reading my thread will try to talk through their problems before so easily giving in.

Its hard, and I have got to be honest, the last three months have been the worst I have ever had. Loving someone so much that has no love for you anymore can really tear a persons soul to pieces, BUT if you truly love your partner you have got to try whatever you can to salvage what you had.

The other thing I have come to realise is that along with all the hate that comes during a breakdown in a relationship is a lot of soul searching. I now find I am becoming a different kind of man - maybe back to the man I used to be. I have realised that I am to blame for a lot of the problems but was to blind to see it.

My whole attitude to life is changing on a daily basis - yes I still get depressed and tearful, yes I miss her every day but I have got to move on with my own life and maybe, just maybe in time we may find each other again.

Regards

Tim (Teacherman)

nik1h

6th January 2008, 11:07 PM

Tim,

I am like you in a LOT OF WAYS. However, I do disagree with you on a lot of your points about comfort zones. It takes 2 to tango. I treated her like a princess but the minute I slipped to duchess it was a problem. Attention has to be both ways. Work has to be done to pay for luxuries, even basics. You know my situation. Im still screwed and still aint got papers through. You blame yourself too much. Like me, you still hope for the miracle and i hope we both get it. I do think you put too much blame on yourself though. **** aint it!?

nice idiot guy

6th January 2008, 11:08 PM

Hi Tim

Thanks for the clarification. I totally understand what u mean. I think i also took my wife for granted by not paying much attention to her..etc. i thought by being nice, not abusive, not raising my voice, that would be enough. I was in the comfort zone thinking that we are comfortably living and in peace so everything is okay. I guess, caring does not neccessarily equate with not being nasty, not being abusive..etc. I think caring and loving is an active pocess needing motivation and proactivity, and this is what i think has lacked.

In my situation, I took her very for granted and the ideal way she single handedly raised our girl. However, after telling me she loves me no more, there was no room for discussion. She didnt suggest that we should re think or anything. She seems to have made her mind. As much as deep in my heart I want her, if i start being too freindly, she thinks its because i am in fear of losing her rather than being a new reborn man. In some respects I dont wanna start being very caring and loving as she will see thru it and be pushed away. Even if I do, i worry i may compromise my position and if we decide to stay together, I will have to please her for the rest of our life because she knows that she can repeat the whole thing again. its still along way for us to actually make a final decision re divorce, though that seems to be the ultimate outome. But i am in stalemate cuz we havent phoned each other or spoken for 2 weeks, which obviously doesnt help. Its so confusing; Shall i stay and risk what may happen again in 5 years with her, or just end it and move on.

It looks that we are in similar postion, though u are a few steps ahead of me (not necessarily in the right direction). But it is hard.

Thanks

M

nice idiot guy

6th January 2008, 11:10 PM

Tim and Nik

Dont u think hoping for a miracle (which i am hoping for) is self defeating, as it reflects how reactive rather than proactive we may all have been in our relaionships with our wives. That includes me too.

M

teacherman

7th January 2008, 12:58 AM

Maurice

There is nothing wrong with hoping for a miracle. I our situations hope is about the only thing we have got left.

If you give up on hope then you may as well give up totally. There have been many success stories on here from people who havent given up hoping.

As for being self defeating, I think we have got to "Batter" ourselves a little to make us stronger people when we eventually come out of the other side. Life is all about learning from our mistakes so that we never make then again.

I still hope and pray (Even though I am not that religous) that I can get a happy outcome to this situation.

The outcome may not be what I desire but if I can find a little peace and tranquillity at some point I will be happy.

Mandymay

7th January 2008, 01:55 AM

Hi Teacherman,
Just a thought, did you think she may be grieving? you say that the kids have just moved out, she may be suffering "Empty Nest" syndrome. And from what I know of it can cause bouts of depression, emptyness and feelings of no sense of purpose, without having the kids rely on her, she does not feel truely needed.
Unfortunately you are not a filler for this void, or at least not yet, this comes with realisation as to what the problem is, then women tend to use thier husbands as a filler or grandchildren when they arrive until they find other fillers to give them purpose. Some mothers suffer this worst than others and some don't suffer from it at all. But quite similar to post natal depression the sufferer is usually the last to identify it for what it is.

How to solve the problem, sorry I do not know, but maybe talking to her about the possibility of this being the problem, as chances are, all she is identifying is the sense of emptyness as a whole emotion not as a result of the kids leaving home. It's like she feels she has been abandoned but is not identifying that you are still there for her.

Another thing, How old is she, Could it be the onset of menopause? It would explain the highs and lows
But I strongly get the feeling that something is going on that she does not understand and she just wants it to end quick, unfortunately the only thing left for her, in her eyes, that she can end quick, is your marriage.

Maybe she is bitter at you for not also grieving after the absence of the kids. Without the realisation that most men don't as they do not hold that emotional maternal bond.

Good luck love and keep us posted

teacherman

7th January 2008, 09:33 AM

Hi Mandy
The Menopause route was one we both investigated before things got as bad as they are.
Doctors ran all the tests but reckon thats not its.

I think the plain fact is she just fell out of love with me. The only thing I find really hard to comprehend is that she fell in love with somebody else so quickly (8 weeks).

Before everyone tells me its must have been going on for some time I know, and she swears it wasnt, and as we are getting divorced she has no reason to lie to me as i am not going to contest the grounds for the divorce.

I am not sure if it is a case of grief or empty nest syndrone but I fear that what ever it is its too late. I would have gladly welcomed her back with open arms and put everything behind us but as time goes on I find myself getting really bitter.

It is now getting to the stage where the other man bought my kids xmas presents. Not sure if this is because he is trying to buy there affection or what. My eldest (22) wants nothing to do with him and is digusted by her mums actions, but my youngest (19) thinks he is great and has visited her mum and him at his house on numerous occasions.

This is the thing that hurts the most. If I was close to either of my kids I had a closer bond with my youngest but she has now turned tables and wants nothing to do with me. Its as though someone is filling her head with nonsense.

I too am getting bitter at what is happening. Bitter at my wife for leaving me and so quickly jumping into bed with another man, Bitter bacause she has just thrown away the last 23 years, and bitter because i have stuck by her through everything we have gone through.

I dont understand any of this and probably never will. You talk about my wifes emptiness, yes I know how she may be feeling, I have an emptiness deep inside, and I have tried, but it wont let me go.

I dont know how to move on and I am not sure if I really can or want to. Only time will tell

Phoenix_1967

7th January 2008, 10:21 AM

Thanks Teacherman for reposting this thread, the difficulty I have is that there is such a lot of advice to take in I don't know where to start!

Right now I have no idea where our marriage is going and looking at the thread maybe I have become that 'passenger'. How can I find out what it is my wife is looking for if she won't talk to me?

I suppose I haven't really given her the attention she may be craving, and thought that my help with family life was what she needed. However, our love life has never suffered and to be honest i thought it was good until this bomb shell.

I do however think that she is being given advice to leave me. unfortunately she is contact with an old flame, after getting back in contact through a well known reuniting web site. This bloke is going through a break up with his wife and I worry that although to my knowledge they haven't done anything yet, they may find solace with each other if I can't put this right.

My children are my main concern, I appreciate that they are more resilient than we give them credit for, but I refuse to put them through what could become a messy divorce.

In addition like you our finances are intertwined and the financial fall out for me would be almost unrecoverable. The house is jointly owned, the bank account is joint and we have a large consolidation loan that is also joint. Would I be expected to pay all of these by myself, should the worse happen? Can I be forced from my home? In addition I would lose half my pension in the future, all through a perceived no fault of my own. ( I write perceived as I am sure that there are many out there who will say that I am partly to blame) .

All I want to be able to do is talk to her, is that too much to ask? Anyway thanks again for reposting this thread. I will, as you said on my thread, not give in without a fight and will do anything it takes to save my marriage.

Phoenix.

teacherman

19th January 2008, 09:53 PM

Hi All
Just an update and a cry for advice.
4 months down the line and still no further forward. I thought everything was moving along. I had seen sight of my wifes divorce papers and had decided not to contest these and I thought we had sorted out all of the financial implications.

Now nothing.

No correspondence from her solicitor or anything. I now find I am stuck in a state of limbo yet again. I cant move forward with the remortgage so I can have a fresh start until papers are signed.

My wife has broken off all communication with me and I refuse to try and contact her, even though I still love her and want her to come home.

Part of me is now resigned to the fact thats its all over and she has moved in with another man, but another part of me wants to be able to try and put this right. It would have been our 22 wedding anniversary next week and I find myself getting depressed again. I look back over those years and even though we had some rough (and I mean rough) times we had some good ones as well. I miss her more each day. I had thought that by now I would be starting to accept this but I'm not.

I still think about her all of the time and cant seem to get her out of my head. Its not because I am lonely, but I truly do love her even though she is with someone else. Its strange but what she has done doesn't bother me like I thought it would.

Am I hoping for to much
Should I just let her go.
What the hell should I do cos I just dont know anymore.

Has anyone else been in the same situation, Did you get the run around from your Ex's

Advice always welcomed

Tim (Teacherman)

nik1h

19th January 2008, 11:43 PM

Tim,

Nobody can advise you well here. She is with another man and not contacting you so you could well say she has moved on. Maybe she cant afford a divorce? Maybe she is too pre-occupied to bother? Maybe its because she doesn't really want one, but you would expect contact then.

You are not lonely. Thats a good thing though its clearly not helping you too much.

Im in a confusing position but the difference is my wife (as far as I know) isnt seeing someone. (Though she still dont want me)

What can i advise? Maybe she is waiting for you to contact her but you wont? I have told my wife she is welcome back after 10 months.

You could divorce her and take control (you wont, not yet anyway)

Just sit on it and see how it goes (pain devours you internally!)

It is sheer hell and I really dont know what to honestly advise but i've donr my best to put it intp perspective best as I can see it

Keep posting

Nick

aqua

20th January 2008, 04:57 PM

Hi Tim

"Has anyone else been in the same situation, Did you get the run around from your Ex's "

Yes !
All is quiet on the western front for me at the moment re solicitors and divorce. It un-nerves me a bit. Almost like the quite before the storm.

However, I've decided to get on with my life anyway and deal with what gets thrown at me when it happens!

Good luck Tim.

aqua.

teacherman

28th January 2008, 09:23 AM

Hi All just a quick update.

Still no response from her solicitor. I have sent her various Emails asking her to come home and try to sort this out but all to no avail. I have now made some decisions.

I have had enough of her - shes not worth it. Shes the one that deserted our marriage and dropped her Knickers for the first bloke that came along totally destroying our family in the process.

I have organised to remortgage the house when she pulls her finger out and signs the papers. Decided to borrow a little bit more than what I actually need.

My business has taken a turn for the better since the new year so things are starting to look up for ME and I feel I am getting my life back into some sort of order even though its hard.
I have lost quite a lot of weight over the last few months (Not a problem needed to do this anyway) and I feel a lot better for it. Ciggy intake is down to about 10 a day from 40 and havent had a drink since Xmas eve. GOD I am turning into a monk.

Once things have been sorted I will feel happier. We had suggested before she moved out that maybe a decent holiday together was what we needed and I agreed with her.

Now I am going on my own. Dont any of you ladies out there get jealous and if you want to join me you can, I have just booked a 15 day holiday in Goa in April.

Warm sunshine, Sandy beaches, Romantic settings what more could you ask for. (Someone to go with but who knows what could happen between now and April).

I would have really liked to have been going with my wife but she has made her choices and its up to her to live with them. Holidays costing a fortune but I dont care, decided to do everything top notch and pamper myself for a change. After 22 years of being used I feel as if I deserve it.

I will keep you all posted on the divorce front as and when things happen, thanks for all your support over the last few months its really helped.

Love and Kisses and remember: A dog is for life, not just for saturday nights

Tim (Teacherman)

nik1h

29th January 2008, 10:28 PM

I have organised to remortgage the house when she pulls her finger out and signs the papers. Decided to borrow a little bit more than what I actually need.

Tim

Signs what papers?

teacherman

30th January 2008, 10:30 AM

I have to get the deeds of the house transferred into my sole name before I can go ahead with the remortgage. Evidently there are various pieces of paperwork that need completing before I can do this.

Tim

nik1h

30th January 2008, 08:39 PM

So you get the deeds to the house. What is she getting? Are you buying her out? Just confused because financial aspects seem to be resolved before you have even been served with the divorce petition.

Mite be me missing something. Sorry if this is the case but im curious.

Nick

alicat

31st January 2008, 01:59 AM

Hi Teacherman
After reading your thread tonight, thought I should share with you I am having the same problems. My husband has left me, I cry, drink and smoke loads most nights as I cannot understand how he can walk away from his family. We aregoing to relate,but not much help. It is very hard and I keep thinking he will come back, but I think I am kidding myself. I can't move on in life as I hope he will wake up one day and realise what he has done and come back appologising.
Does it get easier? We have had problems for over a year now and he's left 4 times. I seem to have spent a year crying for his love, I just want to be happy and feel loved.

Anyway enough of my problems, I hope you are coping well, I guess life does go on.
Just wanted to let you know your not on your own,cause I know it sometimes feels that way.
And yes everytime I put the radio on it is always love songs, they are depressing at this moment in time!

Take care
Ali

alicat

31st January 2008, 11:56 PM

Hi Tim and Billy

Yeah probebly won't come back, but that feeling of hopes sometimes keeps you going!

Think my H is keeping me hanging on a string, as he says he does not know what he wants, but does not miss home yet due to arguments.

We can only stop arguing and hope:confused:

Ali

Only hope I eventually get the strength you seem to be getting tim!

teacherman

1st February 2008, 06:06 PM

Hi All

Thanks for the posts
Nik - We have sorted the financial agreements out between ourselves. she doesnt want anything, She is prepared to sign over the house if I take over all of the outstanding debts.
She has instructed her solicitor of this and I am just waiting for the paperwork so I can get the deeds transferred. Must say i was very surprised at this but the house has been in my family for the last 40 years.

Billyboy and Alicat.
I to have been through the period of thinking she will come back after she has realised the mistake she has made, trouble is I dont think its going to happen and I am now resigned to this fact.

As I have said in previous posts, I would have welcomed her back with open arms because I loved her that much and I wanted to do anything to try and save our marriage.

I would have been our 22 wedding anniversary on Monday, its a long time to just throw away but she has made her choice and thats it.

Trouble I have at the moment is that I now find myself truly hating her for what she has done. The images of her with another man never bothered me, up until last week I had managed to keep them out of my head. I think now I have realised its over the hate has set in. I cant bear to look at photos or remember her as she was.

I still get emotional over the slightest little thing, a memory will trigger this of out of the blue, I am learning to cope with these a lot better than I used to.

My main aim at the moment is to look after myself - I think it was billyboy in an earlier post that said look after yourself cos noone else will.

My health is improving, managed to lose 2 1/2 stone over the last couple of months, started eating proper food, stopped taking sugar in my coffee etc, and cut down on the fags.
Got to say I feel a hell of a lot better for it - only down side is none of my clothes fit me anymore. (mind you I am doing my own washing so have managed to shrink a few tee shirts)

If it carries on like this I will be a shadow of my former self for when I go on holiday. For once in my life I might actually look good in swimming trunks instead of looking like a beached whale.

ALI - The strength will come - It takes a bit of time and it start with you deciding your not going to take this crap anymore. Look after yourself and keep posting, I have found this site a tower of strength over the last 4 months and dont think I could have survived without it.

Love as always

Tim

I didnt want to get to this stage cos even now I still love her.
How can you love and hate someone at the same time.

aqua

1st February 2008, 07:09 PM

"How can you love and hate someone at the same time. "

If you even find the answer let me know!
I feel exactly the same about my husband.

teacherman

2nd February 2008, 12:00 PM

Hi Aqua

I look at it this way.

I love her for what she was and the good times we had together. I remember all of the promises and plans that we made and how we had 2 wonderfull kids together. I love her for the way she supported me through some of the rough times and illness.

But

I hate her for what she has become and for what she has done. She has totally destroyed a family and thrown aside all of the plans we made together. I dont know if she is in love with this other fella or if its just the excitement she craved that I never gave her.

Taking that aside she has now made her decision and both of us will have to live with it.
The smallest part of me still wants her to come back but if that were to happen I am not sure I would ever be able to trust her again.

The old saying of "once bitten twice shy" comes to mind.

Yes I do still love her but I am at a loss to understand why after what she has put me and the family through. The hardest part is the loneliness of it all.
Yes friends are great but they are not there for you when you come home from a hard days work or at the end of the night.

Maybe its us - Maybe we find it hard to let go - Maybe we are from that dying breed of people the believed that marriage was for life. I dont know I have tried to sort this out over the last few months and I still get confused.

The hardest part is the letting go - I have cleaned, tidied, redecorated and tried to remove every trace of my wife but I cant get the memories out of my head and probably never will.

My kids tell me its time to move on and find someone who will love me for me, but its not that easy and I am not sure I even want to.

Part of me wants her to come to the door and just walk in as though nothing has happened and another part of me wants to argue and tell her just how I have been felling over the last few months. I want to cause her the same sort of pain she has caused me but I know deep in my heart I couldnt/wouldnt do that I am just not that sort of person.

God I think I am destined to be a sad old lonely man living in the past.
I hope we both get some sort of resolution soon. Not sure I can go on much longer like this

Tim

aqua

2nd February 2008, 12:44 PM

"Yes I do still love her but I am at a loss to understand why after what she has put me and the family through"

I know what you mean. I've given up trying to find the answer and am just getting on with things. I totally understand where you're coming from.

"Maybe its us - Maybe we find it hard to let go - Maybe we are from that dying breed of people the believed that marriage was for life. "

I think we find it hard to let go because we still love our partners. They've moved on because they don't love us anymore. It's been a year for me now and I'm no nearer being able to let go emotionally. Yes I've got on with my life. I have a good job, lovely, well adjusted children, great friends and a reasonable social life. I'm never lonely and I enjoy my own company. I'm happy doing all that and staying single. I've trained myself not to think of the negative things anymore and it's working well.

I don't think about the past and I don't think about the future. I live in the present because, for me, it's the only way to live my life without cracking up. It has served me well so far and I'm quite happy.

My problems I don't think will be resolved for a long time, but I'm content to live like I do, for the time being at least. I'm just waiting for the day I wake up and don't love my husband anymore. It will be a relief, but a very sad day.

aqua

teacherman

4th February 2008, 11:03 PM

Hi all
Wedding anniversary today and still no further forward. No correspondence from her solicitor.

I have now instructed my solicitor to chase things up and try and draw this to a speedy conclusion. I cant live like this any longer. I need to move on with my life and find happiness again.

Now decided that if she is dragging her heals I will divorce her on the grounds of her adultery and sod the consequences, dont care if I end up poor and destitute it will be worth it for peace of mind.

The love/hate feelings are still there and probably will be for a long time to come but we will never get back together so its time to move on.

Today has been the worst ever. Spent the day looking at old photos of our wedding that I found. Maybe shouldnt have done that but I must like beating myself up.

Now going to sit in the chair with a bottle of Remy Martin brandy and get hammered. No pupils in the morning so thats a bonus.

Tim

alicat

5th February 2008, 01:09 AM

Hi Tim

Hope you feel better today. Thinking of you,I got very drunk on Saturday night on my own, unfortunately doesn't help only gives hangover next day. Thinking of you!!

Take care
Ali

teacherman

5th February 2008, 10:25 AM

Naughty Naughty Boy - Bad hangover and as sick as a dog I haven't been this bad since I was a teenager many years ago. The brandy helped remove the memories of the wedding for a few hours but it hasnt really helped. Maybe this will be the turning point for me.

I spent Xmas and new year on my own and now the wedding anniversary, all of the significant dates have been and gone, who knows. Got to admit I feel like S**t this morning and even whilst I am posting on the boards still find myself think of her wondering how shes doing and if shes happy.

Got the funniest Email this morning from this site wishing me a happy anniversary, If only they knew - got to admit it did put a smile on my face getting best wishes from a site where I am pouring my heart out about my impending divorce.

Emotions all over the place today and I have started to feel a bit weepy again - not good for a man to admit that - we are supposed to be the strong ones.

Ali
Be carefull getting drunk on your own - its better to do it with friends that can look after you when you have had a bit to much, Dont worry about unloading on your friends, If they are true friends then they will look after and be there for you in your hour of need.

I have been really fortunate to have a colleague how has been through my situation. He has been my rock over the last few months and has sat with me when I have poured my heart out. Actually think some of the times it would have made a good comedy programme.

Imagine the scene - two single mature blokes sat in a pub having a pint, one bloke bursts into tears, other bloke sits there with his arm around him whilst onlookers try to work out if its the end of a gay relationship. We actually did have a lovely woman come up to us and tell us that we looked like a lovely couple. Quite strange cos my mate then asked her out on a date.

Take care all
Tim

aqua

5th February 2008, 04:19 PM

Billyboy - Valentines Day is just another day!

Tim - your story about the two single blokes made me laugh too...sorry!
I was just wondering did the lady say yes to a date?

aqua

teacherman

5th February 2008, 04:25 PM

Hi Aqua
Yes unfortunately for me she did and he has been out with her a couple of times (lucky sod)
Must admit the incident made me laugh too. I you saw me and my mate you would understand. To overwieght Northern lads with a pint of Tetleys in their hands dont exactly point out a gay relationship but maybe its me giving off the wrong vibes.

I havent got the guts or the inclanation to approach another woman yet as for valentines day I agree its just another day. Wish I could have thought of my anniversary like that

Tim

aqua

5th February 2008, 04:49 PM

Just thinking of 'special' days as just another day works well for me. I got through my wedding aniversary, last Nov, without so much as a sniffle. I did find my birthday, last Dec, a tad difficult as my H sent me a card, the sod, but after a few hours I perked up again.

After a daliance with internet dating, I realise I don't have the inclination to go out with another man.

Sorry to be nosey about your mate...good on him!

aqua

longestday

5th February 2008, 05:49 PM

Hey up Tim (and Aqua)

If I had any answers I'd share them. Just been for a walk round the park with a bag of chips (supposed to be at work). I have done that so many times, trying to clear my head. I know where you are and it's hard. The only thing that's helped me so far, is separating out my feelings for my wife from our relationship. I will always love my wife, but now (nearly) accept that our marriage is probably over.

I don't think you'll be able to 'remove all traces' and I'm not sure you should try. Personally I'd rather lose a leg than forget about my wife.

What gets me is how you can be fine one minute, and a wreck the next - it's like a bubble coming up from the depths. I'll be glad when that stops. (If...)

I don't think anyone who values a relationship as much as you will stay lonely for long, and that goes for aqua too. I hope not anyway.

best wishes,

LD

teacherman

5th February 2008, 07:21 PM

LD
Thanks for the kind words, I only hope they turn out to be true.

Tim

aqua

5th February 2008, 10:33 PM

longestday

you sweetheart! lovely words.

Personally, I'd rather forget my husband than lose my leg!
I'd love to be able to erase him from my memory. However, that will never be completely possible because of the children, and that's another reason why I'll never be lonely.

A friend asked me the other day if I would take him back if he admitted to his mistakes and was deeply sorry. I said, no. The love is still there but it has been put in a box, locked and buried deep away. Me and my children have gotten over the worst and I wouldn't want to put myself or them through that ever again.

Life moves on...

nik1h

5th February 2008, 10:40 PM

The love is still there but it has been put in a box, locked and buried deep away.

My counsellor tells me a lot of my wifes problems are locked away, however they occasionally break out for a moment before been suppressed again. Hope this is not the case with your love

aqua

6th February 2008, 07:30 AM

No.

This method serves me well and enables me to get on with my life very successfully.

I don't see my love for my husband as a 'problem ' just something to be kept away and hopefully one day will disappear completely.

teacherman

9th February 2008, 05:05 PM

Hi all latest episode in this long running saga.

Just got home from a days teaching people to drive and guess whats on the doorstep.
My divorce papers from the courts. Looks like its finally going to happen. Despite all of my feelings of wanting her back and forgiveness, she cant find it in her heart to come home.

I know in the past i have said I am getting over this, but I lied, Its so damm hard this is my lowest point. I actually saw her last tuesday with the other bloke, not sure if she saw me, but I thought she looked so unhappy, maybe I am wrong, or maybe I am seeing things I want to see.

Dont know what to do, just feel like crawling into a corner and not moving. I cant get it into my head that the last 23 years have meant nothing.

I had actually thought that things were starting to go right in my life, I have got all of the finances in order without her help and I am learning to do things for myself (see the 23 shirts I ironed last night) and then this happens and brings me crashing back down to earth.

It just goes to prove how vunerable we can all be despite our best efforts. Just wanted to get things off my chest. Not sure what to do now.

Do I contact her and see if there is any hope or do I just let things take their course and have done with it. Trouble is I still love her and want her back (what a dickhead)

Your thoughts as always would be appreciated

aqua

9th February 2008, 05:31 PM

Oh Tim
I'm so sorry.

I bet if feels like you been hit in the chest with something very hard. If you need to take your mind off it ,I have plenty of household chores that need doing, pop over here and you can start right away!

Seriously though, I know how you feel to some extent. Things are going well for me, but now and again something comes along to knock me back. These days doesn't take me long to get back up and going. I've trained myself to do that.

Did your wife issue the divorce papers? If yes, then it's over mate. If you issued them, why not put it on hold until you feel strong enough to cope with it all.

I know I will have to deal with all this divorce stuff when my H gets round to it. Despite my life going smoothly, it's not something I think I will be prepared for. Yes, I will feel vunerable.

You're not a 'dickhead'. You love your wife despite everything. I can understand that.

Take care
aqua

teacherman

9th February 2008, 05:59 PM

Hi Aqua
Yes - been hit in the chest with something hard just about sums it up. Yes my wife issued the divorce papers. She showed me these way back in October and I decided that I wouldnt contest them, must admit I thought she would have second thoughts.

Its been that long that I was still holding out hope but now the official papers have arrived it looks like thats it. Hardest thing to come to terms with is that I still dont know what I did that was so very wrong. I worked hard and tried to keep a roof over our heads, yes I admit I did make some bad financial decisions but I thought we had overcome these.

I just wish I had the strength to overcome this, I thought I had but now I am doubting myself. I just feels as though my whole world is collapsing around me, I actually admire you, I wish I had the strength of character to be a bit more like you and train myself to switch off from it.

As for your household chores - no problem - As long as it doesn't involve bloody ironing. I am getting to be a dab hand with a feather duster, mind you I nearly vacced the dogs earlier on - mind was elsewhere.

Thanks for the kind words

Tim

aqua

9th February 2008, 08:02 PM

Hi Tim

You hope against hope but you're seeing it through the eyes of someone still in love with their partner. She 's moved on....I'm there too, mate!

If you don't mind me asking, what grounds does she have for divorcing you, especially as you were the 'wronged' half?

I'm dreading seeing what my H will put! Whatever it is will be a fabrication.

Tim I only have strength of character because I have children living with me. I'vd had to pick myself up not for me but for them. They are my saving grace in a way!

There's no ironing but plenty of dusting waiting for you - don't forget to bring that feather duster of yours!

Take care
aqua x

nik1h

9th February 2008, 09:34 PM

So sorry Tim,

Are they from the courts or her solicitors?

Its all so devastating. I dont know what to suggest.

In some ways asking one more time if she is sure this is what she wants wouldnt be so bad but at the same time it seems like desperation.

What does your gut instinct say? I would go with that. Like i've said before Im local so if you want to meet up or chat let me know.

Nick

teacherman

9th February 2008, 09:57 PM

Hi Aqua
Grounds for divorce as follows:

I worked long hours despite repeated requests not to do so
(Had to do that to keep a roof over our heads and never once has she asked me to slow down. After my heart attack in Aug 2006 she was the one telling me I should go back to work instead of taking the time of as the doctor ordered.)

I paid no attention to her and the kids and prefered to spend time on my own
(If I worked such long hours when did I have the time to be on my own. Yes i did sit in front of the P.C. at night but mainly because I couldnt stand the endless round of soaps they all watched on the T.V.)

I failed to meaningfully assist with the care of the matrimonial home
(WTF? Decorating - Renovating - Installing new central heating, Electrics, windows etc)

Throughout the course of the marriage I failed to show my wife any love and affection
(If buying her cars, letting her spend what she wants, taking her on Carribean cruises, buying her jewelery etc is failling to show any affection then I failed miserably. I know they are all material things but they were bought with love.)

The divorce cites irretrievable breakdown - it doesnt state that, for months on her nights out with the girls from work she was seeing this bloke and jumped into bed with him at the first opportunity.

It makes me mad that I seem to be getting all the blame - Yes I worked long hours but I thought I was doing this with the best intentions, to keep us safe and secure.
I admit that we didnt go out as often as we should and that maybe I was a little to wrapped up in my own world but this is just over the top.

I would appear to me that my wife has just been looking for an excuse to get out of the marriage and that now the kids have grown up and left home she does not need me to support her or them. This is why I feel so bitter. I have dedicated the last 23 years to my wife and family. They where and still are my whole world, this is why this is so hard to take. I have never so much as looked at another woman let alone dived into bed with one - To be honest I wouldn't know what to do.

I am from the old school, I thought that men where supposed to go out and work hard to protect their families, yes I admit that I didnt do as much around the house as I could have done but I did the practical things like the decorating and the renovations etc. I did, despite her divorce grounds show her love and affection and even friends said the week before we split up that we have never looked as happy together.

I just get the feeling I have been taken as a mug and that despite her denial, this has been going on longer than she says.

Dont know if I should cross petition due to her adultery, I cant see what purpose this would serve. At the end of it we would still end up divorced and that not what I want.

Take Care
Tim

teacherman

9th February 2008, 10:04 PM

Hi Nik
Sorry typing a reply to Aqua when you posted your message
The papers are from the courts, These are the papers she actually showed me in October so I guess its now official.

I did ponder the idea of Emailing her to see if she is really sure this is what she wants but I have done that so many times it does seem like desparation is setting in.

Problem I have now is that this has just split the family right down the middle.
1 daughter thinks her mother is a "Slut" her words not mine and the other daughter thinks her mum is making the right decision.

The other daughter is having gifts bought by the wifes new fella so that maybe explains that. Trouble is that has made me even angrier adn I find that I cant face my daughter at the moment. She always said she didnt want to take sides but this is now exactly what she is doing.

Go what a mess we are both in -When will it end

Would love to meet up for a beer sometime. Trouble is the new business is really taking off and because of the situation I find I am having to work all hours god sends just to keep afloat. Give me a couple of weeks and we will organise something

Tim

aqua

9th February 2008, 10:15 PM

Tim

I was just wondering what it said on the divorce petition!
but hey if it helps to write it all down then, good.

My H was forcing me to petition. I had all the papers drawn up to divorce him for adultery. I never signed them and still have them.

I'm not the one who wants this divorce. He'll have to do it. I don't know what grounds he will use. All that remains to be seen...

Apparently, he's had a hard time telling people he left his family for a drunkern grandmother. I imagine he'll find it even harder to say HE divorced his wife (oh the poor soul. aqua says sarcastically)

It's not as if OW is free to marry. She is still married too!

Take care Tim.

"In some ways asking one more time if she is sure this is what she wants wouldnt be so bad but at the same time it seems like desperation."

what????
but Tim's wife already has another man in her life! She's moved on.
it would show desperation!
I don't think anyone, in their right mind, would issue a divorce petition if it isn't what they want.

nik1h

9th February 2008, 10:34 PM

Hi Nik
The papers are from the courts, These are the papers she actually showed me in October so I guess its now official.

I did ponder the idea of Emailing her to see if she is really sure this is what she wants but I have done that so many times it does seem like desparation is setting in.

Pure hell! Once he courts are involved I have always said it will go all the way. Everyone tells me it doesn't have to still but thats my breaking point if you like.

Where in Bradford are you out of interest?

Keep chatting pal. Always here for a moan. I got more to come!!!

lonelylass

10th February 2008, 10:51 AM

Hello Tim,
Thankyou for replying on my post. Yes, we are in the same situation reversed, maybe our spouses have located a book of excuses for infidelity!! I was told from the start there would be more to it than met the eye, but he denied it, even though I had some evidence.

Sorry to hear you are having a hard time of it with the divorce papers, I guess I have all that to come. It seems any excuse will do nowadays, a friends daughter has just been issued papers after her husband left a couple of weeks ago, she hasn't even had time to adjust yet, sorry state of affairs.

I hope you manage to get your beer with friends on here, take some time for yourself, it's not all about work, it's about you too and your new life.

Thanks again. Chin Up.

aqua

10th February 2008, 11:56 AM

Lonelylass

I wonder why spouses deny their infidelities even when caught out and we have evidence? My H was the same. It was completely laughable the excuses he came up with.

aqua

lonelylass

10th February 2008, 12:08 PM

Hi Aqua,

If it hadn't been for others who had heard it all before, ie "it would be easier if there was someone else" quote/unquote, I would have been unprepared and it would have hit me like a ton of bricks.
Fortunately I was prepared and did some digging, at least I then knew it wasn't me (who HE blamed for some of the reasons he was leaving). Oh, and the "it isn't you it's me" quote too!!

Must be a book, if not, maybe we should all write one!!

aqua

10th February 2008, 12:11 PM

Hi lonleylass

a book? that's just what I was thinking.

If funny isn't it that with all the different scenarios we've all experienced, it's amazing how often it all boils down to the same set of denials and excuses!

Take care...aqua

alicat

10th February 2008, 08:02 PM

Hi Tim,

Sorry to hear about divorce papers, it must be so hard for you, don't know how I'd deal with it,I try not to think about it. Keep your chin up, you will get through this and maybe's once you've signed the papers and everything is final you may beable to move forward with your life. Heres hoping''.

I'm not much support at the moment as having the usual problems myself.

I'm thinking of you, be strong and take care, if you feel you want to ask her if she's sure, then do it,at least you won't look back and wonder what if? At the end of the day,what wrong can it do just to ask? You've nothing to loose!

Take care and keep in touch

Ali

teacherman

11th February 2008, 11:53 PM

Well I asked and got the answer I was expecting allthough not as polite as I thought it would be so I guess that I now know for certain.

Always thought there was hope but seems like not.

Got to move on now, its going to be hard but somehow I have got to find the strength to do it. This is tearing me apart and I can feel myself sinking deeper into depression.

I hope that the old saying is true "what goes around comes around" but then again I truly hope she going to be O.K.

I will keep you all posted as to the developments over the next few weeks. Still got to get the finances sorted out. This is when I think things are going to turn nasty but you never know.

Tim

alicat

12th February 2008, 10:46 PM

Hi Tim,

Hope you are ok, you were brave to ask her the question, and i'm sure the answer hurt very much, but I also think you knew what the answer was going to be. Listen now things are going to be final, maybe's you will beable to move on with the next step in your life. You need now to think about yourself, think about what you want to do with your life, things that you have always wanted to do and never got round to.

This must be so hard for you, I keep trying to tell myself something better must be round the corner, things happen for a reason, this was my Grans old saying.

You were getting much stronger and coping really well, please try and keep the strength up.

I know I am not the best person to give advice, due to the state i'm in, but you have been a good soul mate the last couple of weeks and you have helped me with your kind words. I only wish I could help you more.

Keep us posted on how your doing.

Take care Tim

Ali x

softwaremom

12th February 2008, 11:30 PM

Tim,

I have been reading your posts. You have been through so much. You are in my prayers. Try to keep your chin up and know that there is light at the end of the tunnel. Good begets good.

One thing that a friend once suggested to me when going through a tough break up was to pray for the person who hurt me. To pray that they were totally happy with whomever they were with. My friend told me it would help me feel better. It seemed crazy at the time, but I thought I would try it. Eventually like magic, I felt better. I had to kind of fake it at first and my friend said it was all part of the process. Just a suggestion, I am sure it seems a little crazy.

I am sure I cannot imagine your pain. Just wanting to send some smiles from the other side of the ocean.

(Talk to your doctor about the depression - they have great anti-depression drugs that can help a lot)

take care,

Softwaremom

teacherman

13th February 2008, 03:36 PM

Hi All - thanks for the kind words over the last couple of days.

Well here we go, sending her the email and asking her if she was sure was probably not one of the best ideas I have come up with but I think now I have finally got my answer.

Taken the last couple of days for it to really sink in but now think I am coming to terms with it.
The thing thats still plays on my mind and probably will for a long while is that I know my wife hasnt had the guts or the decency to tell me the truth. She has tried to blame all of this on me so that she will look good in everyone elses eyes.

Not sure if I will ever get to the bottom of it and i know for my own sanity that I have got to put it behind me and forget about her, easier said than done.

The depression is not to bad, I still even now find myself filling up and getting very emotional but the feeling does not last as long as it did.

Spoke to my doctor. Trying very hard to stay away from the drugs route. I dont want to become addicted to anti-depresants. I have by nature always been a self confident sort of person and I am trying very hard to get that back into myself.

There is no greater help than "self help" I think all of us in the situations we are in must learn to look after ourselves. I know friends are a great help and message boards/forums like this one are a godsend but dignity starts with believing in yourself.

I for one will be happy in the knowledge that I tried my best to save our marriage and also that I tried my best during our marriage. I did what I thought was best and acted how I was brought up to act. I respected my marriage vows and never strayed, I worked hard to support our family and I kept us in a decent home. Yes there were hard times but every marriage suffers these.

Show me a couple that say the have never struggled with thier marriage and I will show you someone that leads a blinkered life.

The only advice I will give to anyone reading my thread and finding themselves in the same situation is this:

Dont give up too easy, If you can, fight for what you believe is right. Dont let the situation continue for too long before addressing the problems. Lack of communication has been the major contributing factor in the breakdown of my marriage - I would hope it wont be in yours.
Talk to each other - Talk is cheap - Divorce isnt, There is a cost involved both mentally and physically. To many families have been destroyed by peoples inability to stick to their vows and work at their marriage. In this day and age it is all to easy to give in.

I will probably get a lot of stick for some of the comments above but its how I feel and the feelings come from my heart.

Take care everyone and good luck

Tim

nik1h

13th February 2008, 09:48 PM

Tim,

Why would you get stick? Your comments are quite valid and true.

You have tried and tried.

Brave and honourable is what I would describe you as. You have been treated like s**t, yet always hoped she would see sense and were willing to forgive.

Look in the mirror and congratulate yourself.

Now its my turn to ask the question tomorrow so wish me luck!!!!!

Love sure is hard.

Take care Tim

teacherman

13th February 2008, 10:05 PM

Hi Nik

Not sure what to say - Good luck for tomorrow I hope you get what you want and can move forward.

I will be thinking of you

Tim

lonelylass

13th February 2008, 10:08 PM

Good Luck Nik1h.

Tim, you did your best, very honourable, wish I'd have tried harder.

Good Luck for the 'new you'.

alicat

13th February 2008, 11:46 PM

Hi Tim,

Pleased to see you are coping better! your quotes are very true, I beleive the vows we made when we got married. They are very important to me. my H and I were always very close, we managed through the hard times in our life by working together and having no secrets,I beleive this is how a marraige should be, if it had no ups and downs life would be boring. Each and everyone of us are idividuals and there are always going to be issues of some sort that your partner willnot like,but you sort it out together! anyway thats how I feel, walking away is the easy way out but not the right way, especially when kids are involved.

Anyway I feel a bit better tonight, husband is working away for a couple of days, I went to his to see to our dog tonight and he had left a valentines card and some chocolates, I nearly passed out, he has never been the romantic type. The card does not say much, but made me feel happier, he must feel something for me unless it's to make him look good at relate, as I said he wasn't romantic. I thanked him on the phone tonight and he said it wasn't for relates sake. Sooo something could still be there.

My company is not doing too well at the moment, I run my own business retailing and I am having sooo much stress at the moment. Just another problem in life to cope with,I had a bad night last night, feeling sorry for myself. Feeling a bit better now.

Tim you are a strong person, please try to put wife to the back of your head and get yourself out with friends and enjoy yourself. You deserve too. I'm sure your future will be much brighter.

Take care and keep in touch

Ali x

teacherman

16th February 2008, 09:53 AM

Nik
If your there - How did you go on

Tim

nik1h

16th February 2008, 03:03 PM

To be honest I haven't done it.

When I got home from work I opened a letter. When I read it it was for her from HSBC regarding her credit card and asking her to contact them urgently. It even said they would accept reverse charge calls. It was from the credit management department.

Ok its nothing to do with me and her really but it threw me, especially why it had been sent here when no other things come for her! Bear in mind her mum has had several calls from Capital one and we know she has struggled with rent.

Also, her mum told me she was going to ring her last night and enquire how we were going (bear in mind she told her mum we were going to give it another go)

Her mum did ring and she said she still wants to give it another go but she feels I want it to go back to how it was before, but she intended to ring me over the weekend.

Basically im now waiting to see if she rings me before I decide what to do.

Her plan was to meet up occasionally and see how she felt about me. I told her this was unacceptable leaving me with emotional risk whilst she gives nothing of her current life up.

In my view she either committs to giving us a good go or we divorce. I dont think we can work through things from seperate bases, thats if she even contacts me which I doubt she will.

Any thoughts anyone?

Nick

teacherman

18th February 2008, 09:47 AM

Hi Nik

Going to be a bit blunt here hope you dont mind.

First thing you need to do is contact all of the people sending your wife letters to your home, HSBC - capital one etc and inform them that she no longer lives at that address. If it has got to the stage where debts are been run up you do not want them registering at your address.

I had the same thing with capital one when the wife moved out and 3 months later bills started arriving from capital one for a card I didn,t know she had.

I think from what you say things dont look to good, now is the time to force her hand, It seems as though (like me) you are been kept dangling on a string.

Force her hand -Tell her she must come home and try and make things work or you will be contacting a solicitor and starting divorce proceedings. I know this isn't what you want but it may make her make the decision.

For your own sanity you cannot carry on like this - I know Iv'e been there.
Keep control of your finances, If you have a joint account make sure that money isn't been taken out of it.

Keep your chin up

Tim

teacherman

25th February 2008, 07:01 PM

I feel Good - I knew that I would now
I feeeeel good - just like i knew that I should now
So good
So Good
I found love uh uh uh ahhhhh - James Brown for anyone thats wondering

Its happened - Ive met someone - Wasnt really looking but there you go. Strangest of things, I was actually congratulating myself on how well I was looking after myself as a single man.

Lost a boat load of weight -3 stone (bloody marvelous) - None of my clothes fit but who cares I will buy new ones and then I met her. Was actually on my way to pick a pupil up for a lesson and Wham - instant attraction. Met her in the CO-OP of all places, My age, Divorced, Great sense of humour and she thinks I am great (Did me the power of good)

Had a couple of nights out and we get on like a house on fire, going to take it really slow and see what develops but its soooooooo nice to actually be with someone that has a mutaul respect for me as a person and not what I earn.

Maybe its true, maybe there is life after divorce - all I know is I am -

H.A.P.P.Y. for the first time in months.

Love and kisses to everyone.

Tim.

Micou

25th February 2008, 08:35 PM

Hi Tim

I've been reading your posts and my heart has just gone out to you.

I am ecstatic to hear your wonderful news! I am so happy for you! I pray that you and your new lady are about to embark on a wonderful, loving and fantastic life experience together.

(((HUGS))))

Mic

nik1h

25th February 2008, 09:00 PM

You sly old fox ;)

Good luck hope it works out to be the best thing ever for you.

Nice and slowly does it but enjoy every moment.

Im jealous!!!

Nick

alicat

25th February 2008, 11:07 PM

Hi Tim,

So pleased for you, nice to read something good, cheered me up a bit. Good luck and enjoy every minute.

Hope I will be like you, as I went to councilling today, and counciler actually agrees with me for once, I need H to decide what he wants, and give me an answer before I crack up!

I was out on Saturday night in town (Newcastle) I got chatted up a few times, (amazing when you have no wedding rings on). It felt good being chatted up and given attention, but i'm still holding out for husband. Wish he would make me feel good like I did on Saturday.

If he decides we are over, you have given me hope, life goes on and maybe something better is around the corner.

Take Care Tim and best wishes!
Ali X

alicat

26th February 2008, 10:58 PM

Hi Billy,

Newcastle is a good night out, a bit old for the big market now, tend to drink at the quayside, it is lovely now.

Tim, hope your having fun, keep us posted! Cheer us up!;)

Ali x

teacherman

29th February 2008, 03:01 PM

:D
10 days later and me and the new lady in my life are still talking and having fun together. Got to admit I am felling really good at the moment but waiting for the bubble to burst.

Had so much crap thrown at me over the last few months I cant believe that things are going so well.

Only problem I have Is trying to remind myself not to dwell on the past, and to look to the future, I am sure this wil come in time.

For all of you out there wishing and hoping for something good - remain possitive.
I never thought or expected this to happen to me but it has.

If I can do it then so can you :)

Keep on smiling - I am, at the moment I dont think I will ever stop

:):):):):D:D:D:cool::cool::cool:

Micou

29th February 2008, 03:20 PM

My advice to you, which is the very same advice I give to myself before my feet hit the floor every morning, take it one day at a time.

I am still somewhere in the belly of hell struggling to get to where you are - though I must admit that I have no desire to meet anyone new at this juncture. I just want some peace of mind and this aching heart to heal.

Enjoy it man! Like you say so yourself, you have been through so much crap the past few months, and life has turned around and given you a gift - be thankful and just enjoy it, enjoy it, enjoy it!

Just out of curiosity, does your ex know about your new flame? ;)

teacherman

29th February 2008, 03:26 PM

Not sure if the Ex knows - I cant believe that she hasn't found out yet because my youngetst daughter has seen us together.

I could be an interesting situation when she does eventually get to know but I dont really care what she thinks at the moment.

Micou

29th February 2008, 04:12 PM

I can imagine you don't. I was just wondering what her reaction would be - sorry am being a bit b*tchy, I must confess to that.

Please take it one day at a time and just enjoy the gift you have been given.

teacherman

29th February 2008, 04:23 PM

Hi Micou

Dont worry I am expecting a lot of bitchiness when my wife does find out - I think it is going to be a case of its O.K. for her to go and have and affair and move in with someone but now that I am finding a bit of happiness the S**t will start to fly.

Hope you find a solution to your needs on here - I have found this place a great help over the last few months.

Regards
Tim (Teacherman)

Micou

29th February 2008, 04:56 PM

Thanks Tim

This site has become my lifeline. I cannot get through my day without coming on here for some support. It's my drug!

I am sooo happy for you - please be good to yourself and give your lady a huge hug from us!

(((HUGS)))

Mic

teacherman

9th March 2008, 01:05 AM

:( Somebody help me I need some advice.

Just when i thought things were starting to get better i find myself sinking into the abyss again. Yes I have a new lady in my life but I now find i am starting to compare her and the things she does to my wife.

I have got to admit I miss my wife every day and even though its nice to have someone new in my life its just not the same.

Yes we have had a few laughs and a few good night out but thats as far as it goes. its not her but me. I find i cant commit myself to taking things to another level.

Everytime things start to move on i find myself backing off and i feel as though its me that about to commit adultery.

Is this natural. Why cant i get my wife out of my head. I know its time to move on and get a life for myself but something stops me everytime.

maybe i am just feeling a little bit down but i cant get her out of my head (sounds like a kylie minogue song)

Do our partners ever stop and wonder at the heartache the cause when they do what they do. Do they think that we can just go out and move on with our lives as easily as they have done.

Problem I am having is that I dont want to give the new lady in my life any false hopes as I know what its like to have your heart ripped to pieces and your life torn to shreds.

Is it me? Am i being a wimp.

Any advice would be welcome as I am so confused at the moment and dont know what to do.

Thanks
Tim

nik1h

9th March 2008, 09:23 AM

Tim,

If im been honest this doesn't suprise me. The amount of love you had for your wife was always going to be hard to let go of and I guess as you weren't over her at the time of meeting your new lady, comparisons were always likely.

The question really I think is, was the relationship with your new lady a rebound one? If so you may never truely move it to the next level as the comparisons will continue. If it is genuine feelings you have for her then the best thing you can do is talk to her, explain you are still finding things tough and that you want to develop the relationship slowly.

She is a divorcee too I believe you said, so maybe she will understand where you are at.

I maybe completely wrong so see whay others think.

Take care

Nick

val100

9th March 2008, 11:48 AM

Feck (again)
Teacherman i just posted on coffebeans great thread and wished you luck.
Look I am in exactly the same boat.
I can't let go at all. I know I had an affair but believe me my head was far from screwed on at the time and I honestly never really looked at how it would destroy him.
However things have been done to me before my affair and after he found out that are just unacceptable. No person in their right mind would take this man back but love is a massive bond it seems that for me no matter what I do and what he has done I cannot stop loving him.

I miss him I want to share my day with him. I want to raise our children together, I want to curl up next to him at night but I can't and here is a reason why I am not chasing him. Nothing has changed he hasn't learnt how to behave, He is fueled with hurt and anger towards me and I know that he may never let that go and therefore it isn't a safe place for me.
I can not offer you advice because I am struggling with the same pain as you. However I know that to get into a relationship now would be the worst thing I could do. I know you cannot love someone while still in love with your partner.

That doesn't mean you and your friend can't enjoy each others company but you need to tell her that you still have very strong feelings for your wife. As nick said she has been through this she will understand.

Keep talking it does help

lonelylass

9th March 2008, 10:50 PM

Hi Tim,

I agree with Nick and Val, you need to be honest with yourself and your feelings and then with your lady friend.

I went through the stage of glancing at dating sites as others were doing it and said it was a laugh, the more I looked, the more I compared, the less it appealed. I know it's not the same thing, I would never advertise myself, I believe love comes along when you least expect (ie a supermarket!):D

It would be a shame if this lady in your life proved not to be, as you seemed so upbeat about it all, but maybe it was rebound, flattery, excitement after such a blow to the heart.

You seem such a lovely guy and I am sure if you speak to her as openly and honestly as you can, you can work something out between you.

As Micou said, take it one day at a time, no rush.

Take care now, LoLa x

longestday

10th March 2008, 05:26 PM

Tim,

Don't know about advice, but I do know how you feel. I too met someone recently. Wasn't looking just met while having a coffee, got chatting, went back a couple of days later etc etc and soon found myself getting involved. Just friends... that's what I thought, and I ended up having to say as much to her because I too still have feelings for my wife, and didn't think it fair to put myself forward as 'available'. She's divorced and understood what I was saying.

I'd reached a fairly peaceful place in my head before this and what peace of mind I had is now all gone! Trying to deal with a whole new set of feelings now. I've laughed and smiled more in the last couple of months than in the previous year. Trouble is, 'just friends' didn't last too long (my doing), and like you I am struggling with this. Told wife and kids about my new friend and they all seem OK with it.

The hard bit is reconciling new feelings with the old ones I still have for my wife. We were together 32 years and although I'm fairly sure our old relationship is broken beyond repair, I still love her and she has strong feelings for me as well. I don't see this changing anytime soon so what to do? Hide away? My new friend is far less of a worrier, and is of the mind that life is for living in the NOW and not the future or past. She's quite someone. She's probably right too. I felt 17 again on one recent date we had. I know what you mean about the comparing too.

The last thing I want to do is hurt my new friend, or get hurt again myself. Confused? Yes. Holding back? Yes. Continuing? Yes. When I first met my wife it was pure chance. I don't believe in destiny: you either click or you don't. If you've clicked then that's great - try not to overanalyse it. (yes.. I know that's exactly what I'm doing)

If you manage to figure it all out please let me know!

LD

Micou

11th March 2008, 01:14 PM

Hi Tim

I must admit that I can see full well where you are coming from. Remember when I said that I want to be where you are at, but minus the relationship? That's exactly what I was thinking - how will I cope with someone new, but knowing that I am still not over my ex?

I catch myself doing this on a daily basis - I'll see a man who catches my eye and try to imagine being with him, but immediately my heart jumps up and I find I am still desiring my husband. I even catch myself comparing other men to him - his looks, the way he walks, talks etc. It can drive you nuts!

I truly believe that right now the best thing to do is to be honest with your new lady about how you are feeling. At the end of the day you are being honest and you are also giving her the chance to think through whether she is happy to accept what you can give her for now or whether she will settle for friendship or whatever. It really is your call at the end of the day, cos only you know what you really feel inside.

Clearly you are still not over 'er indoors and that will take time. I sometimes ask myself if we ever do get over 'em indoors? I think that they still have a hold on us though we move on with our lives the best way we can. When you think about it though, it makes sense - we have invested our whole selves into these marriages; our hopes, dreams; finances, hearts; heads; bodies; souls . . . it's not easy to strip that off and walk away renewed. The grip they have on us will be felt for a while, but we can still take steps to move forward - hence my desire to just take life one day at a time without any long term plans. I am normally booking my summer and Christmas holidays around this time of year, but for now I feel that would be inappropriate as I am still healing from all the crap.

I can really see where you are coming from though and I know if I did meet someone new I would just be honest and lay my cards on the table, so they know where they stand - and I wouldn't rush anything.

(((BIG HUGS TO YOU BABES)))

teacherman

11th March 2008, 07:46 PM

Hi All and thanks for the advice.
Just got in from an afternoon of discussion and soul searching. I have spent the afternoon with the new lady in my life (Not fair to mention names) and discussed how I feel and what I think my problems are.

Most of you have got it spot on - I still have massive feelings for my ex wife and dont seem to be over them. Got to say she was very understanding and admitted that she had also been comparing me to her ex husband although I came out in a more favourable light.

Upshot of it all is that we have decided to remain firm friends and have the occasional night out together and see what develops.

Neither of us wants to rush things and spoil the friendship we have developed.
My thanks to all of you for your comments over the last couple of days, you seem to know me better than myself.

They say time is a great healer- well I just wish it would hurry up and heal this gaping wound i have got.

Tim

lonelylass

11th March 2008, 08:30 PM

Hi Tim,

That's great news, at least you can remain friends and who knows, the honesty you have shown her can only be good for your relationship, friends or otherwise.

Honest is the best policy asd we all know too well.

At least you have her to talk to for now and vise versa, you can rebound off each other and put the world to rights!!

All the best, LoLa x

nik1h

11th March 2008, 10:52 PM

Glad the advice was good.

Im sure I speak for many here when I say I wish I could give myself some good advice. Its always easier with others.

Good stuff wth the good friends. Options open for both of you. No rush, time to develop and maybe at least a new good friend.

Progress is happening however little.

Take care

Nick

Micou

12th March 2008, 10:28 AM

Tim that is fantastic news! I am especially moved that she too felt she could be honest with you about what she was feeling - positive, positive, positive!

(((HUGS)))

Mic

teacherman

14th March 2008, 01:23 PM

Why do I feel such a S**t - I get to the stage where I think I can move on, I find someone new in my life and then find I just cant do it. Just glad that nothing too heavy happened if you know what I mean, couple of night out, good laugh and a few drinks but thats it.

Spent the last couple of days thinking about things in general and have come to the conclusion that I still love my wife despite everything thats happened. I would do anything if I thought I could get her to come home and put everything behind us.

I know things are now beyond repair and we haven't spoken for a couple of months but I still think about her everyday. The moods swings have re-appeared over the last couple of days and I feel as though I am sinking into the depths of hell again.

Does this heartache ever get any eaisier. Will I ever be able to put the past behind me and move forward.

Sorry guys
just having a really crappy week didny mean to depress you all.

Tim

Micou

14th March 2008, 02:41 PM

You're not depressing us - you're sharing a bad patch with us - there's a difference. Watching Eastenders and then the Sunday omnibus is depressing (sorry to Eastenders fans - my mum does this).

You need a
HUGE
BEAR
HUG
too, just like Tia and the sad news about her brother.

I am very conscious of the fact that the last few days has seen several of us going through bad patches - borderline going backwards rather than forwards. I think we need to sit with that for a while and do whatever we need to do to get beyond this point. Let's just accept that right now life stinks!!!!

Can we all go down the pub and have a stiff drink now please?

lonelylass

14th March 2008, 09:58 PM

Hi Tim,

Of course you still have feelings for your wife, she was part of you for such a long time, like me, you can't just switch your feelings off because the other half does.

The problem with good people like us is that we wear our hearts on our sleeves.

How long? Well how long is a piece of string......I think you need to concentrate on you and if it helps remember what she has put you and the children through. Like Micou, you are still hurting and until you really start to think about number one (like your ex is) you will struggle to move on. It would be easy for me to say don't dwell on the past, but I don't, I have no regrets, like you I did everything I could to save my marriage and believed every vow that I took 18yrs ago.

The fact is, the happier you become about who you are (a single, lovely guy with great sense of humour, open, honest AND DOGS! ;) ) the happier you will become. Be proud that you tried, she is the failure.

You were on a high with your new lady, you have now realised you weren't ready, nothing wrong with that, doesn't make you a s**t if anything it shows what an honourable man you are.

I can't really say anything more to make things better other than keep talking on here, getting it out can make things better, it helped me no end.

What's happened to my Asti swilling, rose clenching, dog walking, country loving guy? He's still there, just hiding behind the monitor.:D
Play me a song on your piana and give your dogs a massive great hug from LoLa x:p

tia1500

14th March 2008, 10:22 PM

Hi tim
At end of day you are in mourning people go through different stages at different times.How long does it take to get over a lost one there is not a set time. You are not depressing any of us we are all here because we have been hurt or confussed. ( WE ARE ALREADY DEPRESSED) :D
Read your thread and you have done all you can .
Like you have wrote earlier when you are least expect it, it will happen at least you have got new friend.
Just be careful with lola she may have been taking tips from MICOU. when you play piano for her:D

val100

15th March 2008, 01:50 PM

Tim you need to take it easy on yourself. You grew to love this woman over many years it doesn't disappear.

You have been honest with your friend and isn't that what the best relationships are built on. What is your hurry between wishing for your wife back entertaining your new lady and playing piano for lonelylass you have no time to learn about you. I have said this before the softest place to land through all this is into yourself.
Until you are at peace with your heart, until you accept what has happened and that you have no choice but to accept your wife isn't coming back then you will find contentment and after that you will be able to move on.

Enjoy your friend you aren't taking anything that she isn't willing to give and remeber there really is no rush.
Stay strong it truly can only get better.

lonelyhighlander

15th March 2008, 01:59 PM

Sometimes "love" is beyond us, for a number of reasons. Maybe something that we have we done, or said precludes our partners trust. Try and be satisfied that your wife has chosen to remain with you. Change.... change the conditions of your relationship. Try and love...try to accept love, that ,I find ,is more difficult than love itself

lonelyhighlander

15th March 2008, 02:01 PM

Isnt it so much easier to give, rather than take, advice???
Peace Nulster??

teacherman

15th March 2008, 06:16 PM

Lonely Highlander
If you had taken the time to actually read my thread you will find that my wife hasnt choosen to remain with me and has actually moved in with someone else and divorced me.

This is the bit I find so damned hard after 23 years of marriage.
Going to be blunt here and I will probably upset a few people but hear goes

Maybe people like yourself shouldnt be having affairs with married people. Did you not once stop to consider the heartache you would be causing to the other persons family.

I dont for one minute believe that the man my wife had the affair with even considered me or my children and the harm and damage it was doing. In his and her eyes it was all fun but its not.

Its totally destroyed a family - not just me and the kids but members of the extended family as well. I have a 77 year old mother who adored having my wife as a daughter in law and is mortified by what has happened. Shes currently in hospital after spending 4 days on life support. Not once has my wife asked about her or even tried to see her and yet my mum welcomed her into the family with open arms.

I had a sister in law who now because of the situation will not come and visit. This means that my neice will no longer see her uncle.

To all you people out there who are ruled by their sex drive - STOP AND THINK - the damage it causes in most cases is unrecoverable and causes pain in lots of ways.

Yes I will bear my soul on here, and yes men like you who have affairs with other mens wives drove me to the edge of suicide. Yes for you its fun and excitement while the rest of us are left to pick up the pieces of our shattered lives.

Dont get all moral on us because you believe you are the wronged party. If I am reading the posts correctly today you had an affair with a married woman and knew she was married. Did you consider her husband in all this. Did you once stop and think of the damage it may cause.

At least Val has had the guts to admit she realises the hurt and anguish her affair has caused and is trying to make amends and move on with her life.

Here endeth the sermon
Glad I got that of my chest - I cant stand men that sleep with other mens wives I my eyes you are something I have stepped on as I have taken the dogs for a walk

Tim

teacherman

22nd March 2008, 11:25 AM

Well here goes and update on my situation for those of you that havent been reading my posts on other threads.

This thread should be renamed "wife says she doesnt love me - Who cares"

As some of you know i have had a couple of encounters with the fairer sex over the last couple of months. The first one wasnt what I expected and I think It was more a case of me and my expectations and not really being ready to move on (how wrong I was - See later). At least I made a new friend and she has believe it or not given me some great advice for what happened next.

I met someone - I fell head over heals - Bam Lightning bolt straight to the heart.
It not lust, its not loneliness, its not a rebound thing, its just something I cant explain.

Known her for quite a while and it was our kids that got us together and talking (hers and mine). We have just clicked on every, and I mean every level.

We talk constantly when we are apart, We talk constantly when we are together. We share the same interests even down to the type of books we both like to read. She has done something for me which I am at a loss to explain. For the first time in years I have got a smile on my face and not a care in the world.

You have all read about the crap I have had over the last few months and I honestly dont care about any of it. Its as though it never happened.

I wake up every morning feeling refreshed and happy. I no longer have to drag myself out of bed to do a days work, I am finding life is FUN.

Maybe the bubble will burst, maybe it wont. All I know is that we both feel the same about each other and that is the best place to start from.

Suppose what I am trying to say to you all is this.

There is a future out there its just a matter of waiting. Dont go looking for love, it will come and look for you.

Dont think I ever thought I would get to this stage and wasnt sure I even wanted to but now I am here I dont want to let it go.

I will say it because its how I feel - I am falling in love all over again. This beautiful woman has given me back my desire for life and a will to enjoy myself again.

Be happy for me - Dont worry about me - I am not going too quick and yes I am ready for that fall if it comes (I dont believe it will) but this is such a wonderful feeling.

Good luck to everyone out there in whatever you are trying to achieve and thanks to all my girls out there who have supported me over the last few months you have been my inspiration

Love and Lots of it
Tim
:D:D:D

lonelylass

22nd March 2008, 11:34 AM

AAwww bless, now go and have a lie down as she's due back today, so you need to save your energy!!

Keep us posted, but not too much detail eh? Some of us are freshly single here!!:D

Have a Good Un!

LoLa x

912jws

22nd March 2008, 11:44 PM

Hi Tim,

I am really pleased for you and I think your situation can give us all inspiration that life goes on.
I think we all know it does but sometimes the pain and emotion you go through takes over and you need to take one day at a time.
I am still in the early stages of this at the moment and I am confused, I just want some nice lady to put some spark back into my life and make me feel wanted, I know its too early yet but I need a boost just to make me feel better. I am coming to terms with the fact things are over from my wifes perspective and I need to move on.

I do hope you relationship goes from strength to strength, but the main thing for you is that you are happy once again.

all the best

Jon

cheryl*

23rd March 2008, 06:55 PM

Hi Tim, So glad for you that you finally happy . Yes take one day at a time . I know exactly what you have been through as the same thing happened to me . Ive replied on here to people a few times " not much tho" and want to get into it . You all seem so lovely . I find this site addictive . I read through your whole story last night . It does take time to get over someone it took me 3 yrs . It didnt matter that he was a total control freak . I love him with all my heart . We were married for 17 years .I really went through it . Him stalking me the lot , court cases . He threw everything he could at me . I divorced him in 2002 . It was the best decision of my life . I think back to how i felt & you know i really have nothing left for him . No feelings at all . It will get like that honest .Good luck to you . Be happy , life is too short ... Cheryl*

teacherman

24th March 2008, 01:53 AM

Hi Cheryl - And thanks for that
Just got in from a night out with my lady. Still in love and feelings getting tronger. We are spending all of the holiday together and are going away for the day tomorrow.

It get easier as each day comes along. The last 23 years dont seem to matter anymore.
She has been introduced to my 2 golden retrievers today and I have got to admit the boys took to her straight away as did she to them. They are coming with us in the morning.

Dont really know how i am feeling - Happy, content, Elated, and all the rest that comes with it. All I know is that each day gets better.

Life is to short - Never thought I would be this happy.

Tim

Alice Alice

25th March 2008, 06:44 AM

Ahhhhh Love!!!!

val100

27th March 2008, 06:06 PM

Soppy git!!!!!

Tim so happy for you honestly. How were the holidays??

teacherman

27th March 2008, 08:51 PM

Hi Val
Holidays were bloody excellent - No other words to describe them.
We get closer every day. We TALK and I mean talk - Something I havent done for a long time.
Each day bring new surprises for both of us and its still all good.

Weekends already planned and so is the Fun - Something else I havent had for a long time.
Must be getting bad - Even my colleagues have started comenting on the fact that I have got a permanent smile on my face. One even suggested that I was surrounded by a glow of happiness.

Starting to get worried especially when other people are noticing.
Introduced her to all of my friends over the weekend and they where all impressed - My you that isnt hard as she is a beautifull woman/person. Its her eyes that do it for me - She has gorgeous eyes - I melt at the very sight of them - The rest of her is not bad either.

Dont know what she sees in me but there must be something. Must be my Wit, Charm, Personality, cant be my body - Mind you shes likes that as well (he he)

Still happy
Still smiling

Not so much of a tart anymore - More of a stud (He He)

Tim