She Needs Space

[Chad]

My girl friend of 17 years has told me she needs space and has ask me to move out.

I don't have a problem with doing this. I will do anything I can to make her happy. She has told me that she is not IN love with me but she still loves me(omg I hate hearing that).

She has told me that she does not know what she wants or needs to make her feel better. I am so lost with this, all I want to do is help but I think I make it worse.

I got hurt over a year ago and had to have a back operation and I am left with going to school and starting a new career (I am going 37, not good). She told me that it has A LITTLE to do with it but not alot.

6 months ago she told me about this and she was thinking I do not do a lot around this house so I asked her what she needed done and she told me. I have done everything to the letter and more. She said it helped with her stress and it did not bring back the feelings. She is telling me that with space it could help her but no promiss that we will get back together.

I am not abusive, I don't drink or do drugs. I know that I am not that bad of a guy but not perfect to.

I am so lost.
How long do I stay away?

Do I fight to get her back?

When do I start to fight to get her back?

What the hell do I do?

[Too Nice]

Hi Chad,
You will see that there are a few of us that visit this therapy website seeking the same answers you are lookin gofr. I too have been given the "I Dont Love You Anymore" phrase, my husband and I have been together 7 years and married for 2 and all of a suddne my wonderfull world just got torn apart because he is confused and doesnt quite know what he wants out of life anymore.
It sounds like your girlfriedn is just as confused, do you know if there is possibly a 3rd party involved? The best advise I have got from this wesite is to give my husband the space to decide if we are worth fighting for. I know it is easier said than done but try to give her the space she needs and either it will make her realize that she does infact still love you and wants to make it work or she will decide taht leaving was the right move for her. Either way I think it is the only way you will get closure. God knows I never thought I would get divorced at 28 and it hurts like hell because I never asked for any of this, I was always the perfect wife. But you realize after a while that no matter what you do you cannot change what is going on in someone elses head, you cannot make this decision for them. It makes you feel extremely helpless allowing someone else to make the biggest decision in YOUR life. But be strong I have only been at this a week and it is not easy but you find comfort talking to people on this site and it lightens the load a little.

[Chad]

Thank you for the post Too Nice.

I have found out today that she started to have an emotional affair with a guy. She told me that him and her are having the same problems and its nice to talk to him about stuff (and yes she has feelings for him).

So I am still going to give her space and try to think what to do next. It would be so easy if we just didn't love them so much.

Thank you again and hope things get better for you.

[Too Nice]

I hear you there, the worst part is because I love him so much I dont know how to start dealing with moving on with my live alone. It is our 2 year wedding anniversary today, I am trying to act like it is a normal day but who nows how it is going to pan out. I constantly wonder if he is missing me at all on this special day, chances are probably not.

[Chad]

What I am going to do to start is call some friends and start doing stuff with them just to keep my mind off some stuff. I have found that doing things like cleaning the house going out for a coffee and being with friends stops that burning my stomach. I do anything I can to keep my mind off her even if it's for 30mins.

I know it's not much but it helps me.

Chad

P.S I really hope today is not to hard on you. I would love to say something that would help make it easy on you or make the day go faster but I am still new to this.

[outoftheblue]

Chad you've got the right idea seeing friends to take your mind off things for a while. That's what all of us are trying to do just have some respite from the pain for just a short while. I have found this site invaluable as I can share my feelings and listen and try to help others in similarly painful situations.

It's comforting to know you're not alone and whatever advice is offered here be it right/wrong or just misguided it is always meant from the heart and usually based on experience.

I am doing the sit tight and wait and see thing and it sucks. My H left suddenly after 20 years of happy marriage (his words) in April and spends weekends with OW, whilst working away all week. I know he is having a MLC and is acting out of character, but I can't make him love me (despite the fact he says he still does but differently!) and I won't lower myself to fight/hassle the OW. So much I as I want to fight for our marriage and I will help him and forgive him if he decides to return, at the moment I am surviving each day (just) hoping it is one day nearer to him coming home.

Too Nice - I feel for you on your anniversary - we had our 20 years in June which I had been hoping was going to be a day of party and celebration with expensive gifts and declarations of undying love followed by a romantic holiday (as we had done on our 10th), instead we were overshadowed by the mess he has made of everything and HER in OUR lives -yuk! He did manage to come over and see me and did bring a 'Wife' anniversary card but that was all and it was as if he felt he should do it rather than meaning it. It was awful.

Hard though it is to stay strong it really is all we've got. Despite having some pretty evil thoughts in my darker moments - I know that I have to conduct myself with dignity so I can hold my head high however this turns out. He may one day regret his behaviour, but I don't ever want to have to feel that way.

Take Care
Cxx

[Too Nice]

Today was very hard and at one point I asked myself where I was going to find the strength to get through this, then my mother called and we chatted and I cried and it seemed to really help I got alot off my chest that I was keeping a secret to "protect" my H, can you believe it, yes I still manage to put him first. It does seem to really help if I talk about my situation and hear that other people are in the same situation. Alot of people have said that to try help the healing we should get out and do things that we didnt do when we were married. The biggest thing I lacked during my marriage was space and time to be alone, which is probably why I am handling all this "ALONE" time so badly. I think that is something I need to work through and get used to the fact I may need to get used to being on my own. I am also going to focus my attentions on myself, I am going to hit the gym get into shape atleast it will also help me on getting rid of some of my frustrations! Plus it will make my husband kick his own behind when he gets a look at what he is thinking about giving up. A sort of sweet revenge if you will -

[Lauz]

I have found out today that she started to have an emotional affair with a guy. She told me that him and her are having the same problems and its nice to talk to him about stuff (and yes she has feelings for him).


My h too started an emotional affair with his boss and yes admitted he had feelings for her. He said the same thing to me that it was nice to talk with her - she has had her own issues too. This affair turned into one physical night on a business trip away.

What I don't understand is why people can not open up to their spouses / partners and discuss the issues rather than involving a third party and sometimes end up destroying the marriage? I truly believe that some people do not know their boundaries and let themselves be led when they are in vulnerable circumstances, rather than seeking help from a professional or their partner, before it all goes too far! If my husband had come to me and said he didn't feel the same about me and needed space - fine - but by the stage he came to me and broke down in tears he was emotionally involved with the ow. And as much as he said nothing had happened and it wouldn't, it did - one night when they were both drunk!

In any case, we are moving on, but yes it does still hurt and anger me that the man I devoted my whole adult life to has betrayed me, and its going to take a lot of time to win that trust back. One day at a time.

I agree - get out and live your life - see your friends, family - the more time you have alone, the more time to dwell and think about what is happening. Things do get better with time, but you will go through an emotional roller coaster before coming out the other end.