How do I get him realize he is making the biggest mistake of his life!

[Too Nice]

As per my previous thread, my husband dropped the bombshell on me almost a month ago that he is inhappy and doesnt love me anymore, he feels the spark is gone and wants to like the singal bachelor life. As you can imagine I was absolutely devastated especially since I thought that I was in a happy marriage. A couple weeks later he dropped another bombshell saying that there was infact another woman and that he thinks that he has feelings for her, he says she isnt the reason why he doesnt want to be married anymore. Which is total rubbish, right now he is feeling the butterflies you get from a new relationship and that is all he can think about. He asked me for time and space to try and sort things out and clear his head and make a decision as to whether he wants to work on our marriage, but now while I sit at home and wait for him to make the biggest decision of MY life he gets to see his mistress everyday because he workes with her, which is absolutely killing me. I am really taking the break apart badly I tried going out with some friends last night to just enjoy myself but I ended up crying and being upset all night, maybe it was too soon. It is just that I never asked for this so while my H is off having fun and living the single life he craved so badly I am just beside myself with grief! My heart is hoping and praying that he chooses to work on our relationship but my head is telling me to run for the hills and start a new life without him. How do I choose, I dont want to ask him for a divorce because then I will just make the decision for him and I have to live with the guilt that I ended it. I want him after everything he has done and put me through that if we get divorced for it to come from him so that he knows that this was purely his fault and I did everything in my power to save our marriage. I need closure if I have to learn to live without him then that is fine but it is the not knowing that is killing me. How do I gather the strength to try and carry on with life while he tries to sort himself out???

[outoftheblue]

There are so many of us on this site going through the same thing. More often tah not it is the man who 'fancies a change' and the wife is left behind - her world has falen apart and moving on is the last thing they can do.

I feel for you as I am in the same position and am jealous as hell of my H having fun/pleasing himself etc when I am left behind running the home, looking after our son, our puppy, cleaning out the rabbit, taking the bins out, unblocking the drains etc. My life sucks at the moment I can't remember when I last had fun and can see no end in sight as I am not the sort to go out alone and all our friends are married. I have been round to their houses for meals etc. but it makes me feel worse cos my H would usually have been there too and being there alone highlights how dumped I feel.

I wish I could offer you a solution, I am waiting for my H to wake up and realise the single life he is leading soon becomes shallow and meaningless which is why he got married in the first place. But after 20 years he thought maybe the grass is greener. When he finds out it isn't maybe he'll be back, so for the time being I am in limbo like you waiting for him to decide not only on his future but mine and our son's.

I won't ask him for a divorce because it's not what I want and hopefully not right for him long term, but even if it is I'm not going to make the decision for him, that is one thing he will have to do for himself.

I too break down a lot and mourn the loss of the man I loved and hate the man my H has become. Try to stay strong for yourself which I know isn't easy. The 'in lust' with Ow will wane very qucikly and then he will have to decide if he really wants to be with her. He is probably flattered and infatuated with her for now and that is obliterating any deeper feelings he has for you. Give it some time and try not to dwell on how much fun he is having as I know that is too painful.

Stick with us here there's always someone about. I have used the site as a real lifeline for the last month. Putting the computer on first thing and checking how everyone is at various times helps me to focus out of myself a little. Weekends are the hardest as that's when all other couples are together having fun and I am sad and alone with the computer.
Cxx

[Too Nice]

Thank you so much for your support, it does make me feel not so alone knowing that so many other people are going through the same thing. I just never thought this possible I did everything right and supported him through so much, and what is worse is that he knows that and has told me that I do not deserve to be treated like this. I know that his way of dealing with his emotions are pretending like everything is fine and just carrying on as though nothing is going on, unfortunatly I cant switch my emotions on and off like that. I pursued a job and got it to move closer to him so that we sould try to work on our marriage, and he encouraged me to do so, now there is a very real possability that our relationship will not survive this and he will choose butterflies and sparks over our marriage and I have resigned and have to go to a new town away from my comfort zone and friends and family. I now however need the job for the extra money shoudl we not make it, I am so devestated right now and just am struggeling to some to terms with all of this. I still love him so much even after everything he has done and put me through, nut I am so scared that if we do choose to try make this work that he will do it again further along.

[outoftheblue]

I do understand every feeling you are having as they are the same as mine. Your H sounds a bit like mine in that mine too said I had done nothing wrong and I didn't deserve to be treated this way. Mine has gone cold and distant shutting off his feelings to cope with what he is doing. The man I have been married to for 20 years was never this callous. In fact he was always quite a softy so this behaviour is so out of character.

I am trying to cope by thinking that this man is nothing like my real husband and so not the man I married. He is behaving like a different person and I am 'happy' to have nothing to do with him and certainly nothing to do with OW. I am sad for the loss of my old H, and our wonderful marriage. In my heart I have to believe he will 'come out' of this dark place he is in and will become the kind loving man he used to be. I don't want to be with anyone else and will wait for the time being to see if he can find himself.

If the old man I loved for all these years is gone for good I will have to accept it but cannot face that possibility at the mo. I do not believe people can fundamentally change their whole character and if we were happy for 20 years there is a possibility he will go through his MLC and we will be happy again.

Some days are better than others, but I cope best if I can be more like a man and compartmentalise my feelings. The door to my old life/marriage/husband/happiness is closed for now and if I find myself trying to open it and let all those feelings out I know I will only upset myself so I stop myself before it is open.

Try this if you can, at the mo it's probably like tidying up before visitors come - you're trying to stuff everything in the cupboard but it all falls out again before you can shut the door. Keep trying for now and eventually you'll get that door shut. Then you can decide when to open it. At first everything will still tumble out and you'll upset yourself all over again. But gradually you'll be able to open the door and deal with a little at a time.

Being strong is the hardest thing to achieve but be kind to yourself and congratulate yourself on the small things you manage to do.
Cxx

[Too Nice]

I envy your strength, I too am not ready to get divorced and look for hope in everything. Unfortunatly the way it seems right now I think hope will not be enough to get me through this. The man I see before me now is also not the man I fell in love with and married and it pains me so much to see him throwing our whole lives away for such selfish reasons. There are days where I am angry and feel that he does not deserve me or the love I have to give but then there are other days I hit rock bottom and cannot imagine my life without him. I agree with you that the weekends are the hardest and I find myself pushing my friends away because they are all married and it hurts to much to be around them. I feel like I am damaged good now and will not recover from this, I know it is just because the pain is still so fresh but the way I am feeling right know I am wishing the days away just so that it will get easier to deal with. There are just so many memories around the house and photographs of us everywhere and it keeps reminding me of the love we used to have for each other. I just start to think that I am coping and the lsightest thing triggers me into depression again. I can eat and have lost 4 kg's in a week, I am constantly nautious and cant concentrate at work. My husband and I have joint bank accounts so in an attempt to try and take back control of my life I have opened up my own bank account and got an pre-approved bond just in case it comes to us actually getting divorced, in some whay it gives me some comfortknowing that I will be fine and will be able look after myself if the time comes, I am just not ready for it to be over.

[outoftheblue]

I am not strong at all - merely willing myself to find the strength to get through this. Some days like you I feel angry at his selfishness and ability to move on so easily and he really doesn't deserve my love or loyalty. Our house is a painful place to be as we made it into our home together. It is full of photos and mementos of holidays etc and my heart breaks everytime I look at them. I feel as if that man has died and that is who I am grieving for.

I too feel like damaged goods. I have been a loving and trusting wife for 20 years. I had complete faith in my husband and feel that if I can't trust him I know I will never trust anybody and that truly saddens me. Also we were in our early 20's when we married and had both previously lived at home. We set out on life's journey together discovering the praticalities of running a home and our finances. We attempted decorating and gardening together for the first time and laughed at the mistakes we made along the way. We discovered parenthood together and basically lived life together and for each other. We were living a long way from close family so had to rely on each other for mutual support. We muddled through and seemed to be a great team.

I don't want to have to get to know someone else and all their baggage and history and equally I don't want to have to explain to someone new who I am and what makes me tick. My H and I just clicked and knew each other so well it was easy.

Equally I need to have someone to love and to be loved in return the thought of being on my own and unloved for the next 40 years fills me with great sadness.
It just doesn't seem fair that my whole life and what I believe in has now got to change. I told my H that he had stolen my past because all my memories of our time together are tainted with sadness and he has stolen my future - the life I envisaged we would have as we grew old together.

[Too Nice]

Hi, I must admit today was very difficult and I just collapsed in a head at one point, I have been scared to tell people that my H has cheated on me because it seemed to make it real, even know after everything he has done I still try to protect him from other peoples scorn for the way he has acted and the things that he has done. Unfortunatly it is in my nature, and I wont change that for anyone, I think that I will be wiser after this and will not be so trusting, but I will not change who I am as none of this was my fault! Big suprise my H did not even send me an SMS to say that he is thinking about me on our anniversary, in the back of my head I knew he wouldnt. And I guess this is what a trial separation is, no contact what so ever, but I cant say that it is easy. It just makes it seem that he really doesnt actually care at all.
Your message above is exactly how I feel and what I am going through it saddens me to know that this happens so often, what is this world coming to, is commitment and faithfullness a thing of the past?

[Lauz]

Your message above is exactly how I feel and what I am going through it saddens me to know that this happens so often, what is this world coming to, is commitment and faithfullness a thing of the past?

It is sad that this is where society is heading. There seems to be no gratefulness for what you have... until maybe its too late and lost! My h said to this to me, about not knowing what you had until you loose it, but I dont agree. If you cherish and love something then you should make sure you do everything in your power to be grateful every day for it and make sure you dont loose it! There is going back to turn back time - you can only live your life once and I am sure going to make sure I live mine to the utmost gratefulness, morality and dignity.

[Topsy47]

Hi TooNice

I sympathise so much with you. My H has also left - his reasons were the ones about spark gone, not in love etc - there is no other woman involved, he has just lost perspective on life since his mother died.

I definitely have days where I feel dreadful and others where I feel a bit better equipped to cope with things. Its hard to make a decision as to whether to allow him time or to push on on your own. For me, I find it easier to work at my life as though he isn't coming back - at least that way I am a bit more prepared if things go further downhill and also I feel that I a taking my life back into my own hands - if I sit around in limbo waiting for him I am effectively letting him decide my life and that just makes you feel so powerless.

This site really is very friendly and supportive and the words of kindness and comfort you receive really do help. Just knowing that other people can empathise with you is a comfort in itself although I'd prefer that none of us were having to go through all this!

Hang on in there and try to be strong.

Topsy

[Too Nice]

Hi Guys,
Thank you for all of your support, it seems that my marriage is infact over, my husband came and asked me for a divorce today and funny enough as devestated as I was I am somewhat releived that I dont have to constantly sit and wonder if there is still hope. I know that the next couple months are going to be really difficult but atleast I know which path I am heading down now, I have direction.
He is still very undecided as to what he wants but he says that he cant keep puttin gme through this as it is not fair and I have been through enough, which is all that I was asking for. I needed closure and although I hoped that he wanted to want to make it work the answer I did get was not unexpected. Who knows what the future holds for me, my boss asked if I wanted to retract my resignation but I think that I will still take the new job. It will be a new start, new career, new house, new car, new everything. Maybe that is what I need! It was very hard to let him walk out of our home today and I was beside myself with grief. But I came to the conclusion today that he deserves to be happy and so do I , and the way we are living right now, non of us are happy. I cant force him to love me again and the fact that he has cheated on me will never bring the trust back. I need to just breath and take one day at a time.

[outoftheblue]

Too Nice I'm so sorry that things with your H didn't work out. But sad though it is it sounds like it will be the right thing for both of you in the long run. Despite the original title of your thread you now appear to think he is making the right choice and that change of mindset will now help you cope with the difficult months ahead. Not sure if you're feeling as upbeat as your posting today came across. If you really are excited about the 'new you' then that's great, but if you were trying to convince yourself then keep doing it because thinking you are positive (even if you're not) is the best route to true positive thinking.

Stick with us through the next few difficult weeks and we will help you stay strong and we look forward to watching you (in a virtual not creepy online stalking sense!) coming out the other side a new woman.

Well Done
Cxx

[aqua]

Hi all

I can empathise with all of you even though we all have varying issues to deal with, we are all going through the same rollercoaster of emotions !!!

For me ,the hardest thing to deal with by far is how my H has no loving or friendly feelings for me whatsoever after 20 years. He has turned nasty -indulging in physcological warfare! He is trying to grind me down. I don't understand why go to those lengths, what is he trying to achieve?

I think the main thing is that we all stay strong and be there for one another at the end of a keyboard!

aqua

[Too Nice]

Hi outoftheblue
I am really trying to convince myself but I am not doing a very good job of it right now, I cry at the drop of the hat. I still think that he is making the best mistake of his life but I have realised that I cannot make him happy anymore, I honestly feel that at some point he will regret what he gave up but I cant carry on like this. He only asked for a divorce yesterdy and we are metting the lawyers tomorrow already? He is really keen to start this new guilt free life of his, it truley is shocking that he is so eager to just get me out of the way. But I guess it was to be expected and I know that we will eventually be friends but right now I just cant bear to think about what the next couple of months hold in store for me??
I know in a couple months I will be shouting my praises on this wesite telling you all how happy I am and that I have managed to get over the pain my H has caused me, but right now I am just not seeing the light at the end of the tunnel, it is really tough.

[aqua]

TooNice

Don't try to convince yourself of anything right now. The pain is too raw for you. I think you just need to try and live through it. Harder said than done.
You might feel better after a couple of months but you might not. Take each day as it comes - looking too far ahead can be too painful.

I found your last post hit a raw nerve with me! It's how I felt 8 months ago !! It's how I still feel from time to time just not all the time anymore. I've learnt to live and deal with the pain.

I know that I'll never want to be friends with my husband. I don't like the person he's become. Funny thing is my husband hasn't asked me for a divorce yet, even though he's now sunning himself on some beach with his new partner.

The reason we find their behaviours so hard to come to terms with and understand is because we still love our husbands. They on the other hand no longer love us, whether it is temporary or permanent!

Not a great situation for any of us.
Keep trying to be strong TooNice

aqua

[Too Nice]

Hello Friends,

Yesterday was by far the hardest thing I have ever had to do in my life, I tried the whole angry approach because it was the only thing that stopped me from throwing us but it lasted about 5 minutes, as soon as we started talking I just melted again.
I sat in the lawyers office agreeing to divorce my husband when all I wanted to do was hug him and try to make it work. We had a long talk before we met the lawyers and it is still clear that he has made the wrong decision and he still doesnt know what he wants, he atleast is thinking about me and says that getting divorced will let me move on and not have to go through any more heartache which I appreciate. I was so strong in the lawyers office untill he asked why we want to get divorced after only 2 yeears, I just looked at my husband, when he tried to explain to that lawyer that he just doesnt want to be married I think that he heard how daft it actually sounded and that it probably wasnt a good enough reason to end our relationship but again it was his choice. I broke down at one stage but managed to gather mself again. After finishing with the lawyer we sat inmy car and talked some more, I was crying and shaking uncontrolably and he tried to console me. We talked some more and then it all became to much for him and he started crying saying how sorry he was and that he thinks that this is what he needs. But somehow when he started crying it flipped a switch in me and I stopped crying. I wiped his tears away with my tissue and kissed him and said goodbye. Yes I am still dying inside but I think I got the closure I needed, I finally realised after all this he did infact love me and we had shared something special. I wrote him a letter the day after he asked for a divorce thanking him for the 7 years we hand together and taht I will remember them fondly, and that I hope he finds the happiness he so desperatly seeks, we were best friends throug out our relationship and we will be friends again one day when I have healed, it was quite an intense letter and he said that he couldnt beleive that after everything that he had put me through I still put his happiness first. I explained to him how hard it was for me to write that letter but in the end I do love him very much and would have done anything to try and make our marriage work and I was so dissapointed that he gave up so easily without trying. But I coming to terms with the fact that our marriage is over as much as it hurts but I need to be strong and move on. I have days where it is just so overwheling that I can harly breath and feel that there is no point in carrying on, but it doesnt change anything it is still over and I need to come to terms with that. Who knows what the future hold for my H and me but for now the relationship is over, if he came back in 6 months and told me that he had made the biggest mistake in his life I honestly dont know if I wouldnt take him back, but I will cross that bridge when and if it arrises. In the meantime I just need to be strong and re-build my life

[Lauz]

Too Nice - It's clear you don't want to divorce your husband and sounds like he doesn't know what he wants and is asking for divorce so he can set you free in some way. Have you guys tried counseling or a trial separation? It's seem like you have gone from A to B with no steps in between. Will your h not even consider any of these other options?

[outoftheblue]

I agree with Lauz it's obvious you don't want a divorce but it doesn't sound like your H does either. He sounds very confused and I think it would be better to wait awhile before you go through with this. If his reasons for pursuing the divorce now are to give you freedom, that seems bizarre when you don't want freedom at the moment. I would tell him to seek help to find the answers to the questions he seeks and even spend time living the single life, but to leave the divorce for say six months. If he still feels the same then, you may find it easier to accept.
I don't quite understand your sense of closure when he started crying. I think you realised how much he loved you and his uncertainity at what he really wants at the moment. It sounds like he feels bad about mucking you about and the only way to stop that is to break away. But his tears and regret show it might not be what he really wants long term.

While everyone's feelings are so strong don't rush into a divorce just take time out first.

Looking back at your recent posts you are certainly swinging between wanting closure and wanting to try again. Maybe wanting the closure is not about ending the marriage as such but just about ending the pain you currently feel and your H is adding to that by insisting on the divorce to release you from the pain he is causing. Let the dust settle and have some space first.

Take care and don't despair, ask God for the strength you need to get through this.
Cxx

[Too Nice]

Hi There

I have asked him for all of those things he is just not interested, I tried everything I gave him a trial separation and he made his mind up in a week, right now I think that his lust for this other woman is clouding his thoughts and there is nothing I can do to change that. I dont want to fight this divorce and look like the wife that is hanging on by a string to a husband that doesnt love her anymore, I am trying to save what little dignity I have left. I am being the bigger person here by giving him what he wants, if in 6 months he realises the mistake he has made then I will cross that bridge but untill then he will never be happy untill he lives this fantasy life of his because he will always wonder what it is like and I feel that I would be just prolonging the inevitable, I cant sit in the wings and let him carry on with other woman and live this bachelor life while I sit at home waiting i will be dead within a month. He will eventually realize what he has sacraficed for this lonely life and he will come back, but hopefully I am strong enough by then to tell him to get lost because he doesnt deserve the love I have to give. And if I infact choose to take him back he will work very hard to win back by trust and love. He has said that he "THINKS" that this is what he wants so I know that he isnt sure so I know how confused he is, but I have seriously tried everything and he has made up his mind, I am giving him the space he needs.

[outoftheblue]

If it was me I would continue to give him the space he needs but I wouldn't give him the divorce he wants.

This seems (as it always does) to be all about him. Don't let him have the divorce and tell him to take longer than a week to get his head together. He probably is infatuated with OW (they all are) but if he wants the single life then that relationship won't go anywhere either.

Eventually he will realise what he has given up with you, but it may take some time. If you prevent him having the divorce he says he wants for your sake then you might be saving him from himself.

If you truly love him and you believe deep down he still loves you then you owe it to your marriage to give him this time to sort himself out. It's impossibly hard and unfair, but will you really gain so much by being divorced now? You have got your dignity so don't worry about losing that.
Cxx

[Lauz]

I'd have to agree with OTTB here. I wouldn't give him what him wants without some give from him also - it seems like a very one way street right now with it being all about him! He has to be willing to try counseling etc. and not just give in to thinking divorce and the OW is the answer - 1 week is certainly NOT enough time. I would suggest to him that you need the counseling for closure and understanding of what went wrong in the marriage. I know I would...

[moonlight]

Tonight I have asked my husband to leave after 27 years of marriage. He doesn't know what he wants, he loves me but not in love with me, feels we have been in a rut for several years etc. I went and booked myself into a hotel in another town last Friday but he rang me begging to know where I am as he was worried sick about me. I made the mistake of telling him and ended up back home Sunday morning. I have had to ask him to leave to try and get him to think about what he wants. He is full of guilt at the moment and when I asked why he put his arm round me in bed last night, he said because I am sad and he felt sorry for me. I don't want our marriage to end but what can you do. A marriage or any relationship cannot survive with one unhappy party. I'm hoping and praying that he realises that we have something good and we can survive this, but to be honest I\m not holding out much hope. Being together for such a long time just makes it harder to split. We are in a position in our life where things should be easier, our youngest son will be moving into his own house in a few weeks and what do I have ? A future on my own, missing and caring for a man who doesn't feel the same.

I don't know where he has gone, my sons don't know he isn't home (yet) and I don't know what the future holds......