internet affairs

[no-one to talk to]

recently i found out my new husband was having an affair on the net. i saw the e-mails between the two and called him immediately. he first said that he was looking for affection because we hadn't been getting along that well, he then said it was nothing but fantasy. later he change his story to it was nothing but friendship. he knows that i don't know the entire story and i only saw a few of the e-mails between them. but i have caught him talking on the mic to someone and even unplugging the computer when i come in the room. he never logged on when i was around and finally i had this gut feeling and confronted him. i told him exactly how i felt about internet relationships, that they were the same as cheating, he said he wasn't cheating that it was his PRIVATE business, but if i felt that strongly he would stop talking on the net. that is when he changed to e-mail thinking i would never find out, but one day he didn't log out and i logged into his account not mine. when i read the words he wrote to her, the feeling i got was unbelieveable. those words belonged to me and those kind of intimate talks are for us, not to be shared with other people. i feel hurt and angry. he denies that it was an affair but you don't say things like he said to her, to just a friend. i want desparately to move on but if he won't be honest with me what kind of basis do we have for an furture together.

[Kate]

It can be devastating finding out that our husband or wife has been cheating on us. On-line affairs (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/marriageclinic/infidelity/onlineaffair/) are just as real and damaging for exactly the reason you say that it destroys trust. Do you think it is possible that your husband has convinced himself that it wasn't real or serious?

If he is committed to put it behind him and start afresh with you then are you willing to forgive him and work with him to rebuild trust between you?

You might like to have a look at the articles on forgiveness (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/marriageclinic/relbasictopic/forgive/) and rebuilding trust (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/marriageclinic/infidelity/trust/)on the site to see if it helps to clarify things for you.

With best wishes

Kate

[no-one to talk to]

Thank you for replying to my posting. I am willing to forgive him and move on in our relationship, but i really would like it to be on honest ground. I don't really know what to do, he denies it being an affair now that it was just him trying to make her feel better about herself. I think that if he doesn't admit to having the affair then he thinks that we can just forget it ever happened. That is not fair to me and i want closure. How do i make him understand that just because there was no physical contact that it was still cheating. It may have gone of further had i not received his forwarded email, and he only stopped because he was caught not cause he wanted to. I just don't see us getting it together without the entire truth on his behalf. I will go to the links and read over the material, but it takes two in a relationship and i have given quite a bit so far. He thinks that we should just get over it and doesn't want to answer my questions or talk about it. He actually gets mad at me if i am upset. It has only been 3 weeks and i don't have the answers i need or deserve. I know that i am not the easiest person to get along with and that i have carried resentment and anger for things he has done in the past around with me, but he crossed the line when he did this. That i have even started to look to myself for the lack of communication and distance is a good thing but he has to do his part too. I am sorry i have written so long this must suck for you to read all these poor me letters, but i think you are doing a wonderful service, especially for those of us who don't have any one to talk to about these things. Anyway thanks for listening to me ramble
My main question is: If he won't admit the affair, then can we really put our lives back together as a couple?

[Dave]

Two tough thoughts to share with you:

The way you see life, and the way your husband sees life may be very different - in particular your need for "closure" and his may be quite different. Certainly between Liz and I this is one of the starkest differences - she wants everything closed and tidy... I like it open and loose. The point is that neither is right nor wrong - they are just different! You might find it useful to try the Personality Profiler (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/pp/personprofile1.html) on the site as a way to start to understand and value the differences.

My second point is more challenging. I hear "conditionality" in your responses - "if he won't... then how... ???" But love in marriage has to be UN-conditional. You have to love and forgive your husband whether or not he is ready to understand that what he has done has deeply betrayed your trust and caused you deep pain. One day he may come to understand - right now he doesn't, and no amount of battering at his senses will necessarily move him on. Your real challenge is to recognise that you are called to love and cherish him come what may, not just when he meets your specific standards in any area.

These are tough points at a tough time in your relationship, but if you can grasp them, and live them, then there is real joy out there for you both to share.

Dave

[tellingLies]

I am guilty of the same thing that your husband has done. I lied to my wife and I told her that nothing was going on, but in turn there was. I see that I was cheating, even though I didn't feel that I was cheating, when I was doing this, it felt to be a fantasy. I am trying as hard as I can to make my marriage work, but it seems that I am not the right thing to convince my wife that I am sincere. So if you could would you tell me what you want from your husband. I feel that maybe any information you can give me will help. Thanks for anything you can provide.

[Peter]

My wife has been having one and like your husband denies the seriousness of it's impact on our relationship. She carries on despite knowing that I know she is doing it. Sometimes I am totally puzzled as she can be so lovely and the next moment so moody and hostile. Maybe this is just natural behaviour and I am over-reacting and trying to explain her irrationality with the on-line affair.

I have posted a thread called Online Affair : Do I confront her?.

As the Administrator said and I have almost come to same conclusion myself, maybe just give him space and love him unconditionally.

All the best, Peter.

[dollisa]

I have some advice for you. . . your wife may need to ask questions about the on-line cheating - and you'll need to answer her honestly. Personally, I need to talk things out in order to work things out and she may be the same way. And if she does bring it up, try not to think that she is "rubbing your nose in it". Answer her honestly and reassure her that it was in the past and that you don't intend to do that type of thing again. Be willing to communicate with her more, be attentive to her and most of all, be patient with her as she works through this. Hopefully, you'll be able to work through it together and you'll gain her trust again. It takes time.

I've been in both positions and realize how hurtful it can be to be both the deciever or the decieved. Don't give up hope. Best wishes to you and your wife.