My husbands affair

[lesley123]

Hi, I'm new here, but I really need to talk to someone. I have been with my partner fo 30 years, I am 46, he is 48. He is having an affair with an old friend whose own marriage has broken down, he is with her now as I speak. He hasn't admitted to this affair, but has moved into his sisters house (which is next door, he is a farmer and we live on a very isolated farm) because he said he 'needed space'!, he has said that he doesn't love me anymore, and these feelings started years ago, but this distancing only started when he started meeting this woman. I have known about this affair from its inception in March 2006, but there has been nothing I can do except watch in horror. I have confronted the woman who indicated that 'I must fight for him', and that indeed she did want to be with him. He said that this was not so, he just doesn't love me anymore and we must go our separate ways. I am still very much in love with the man and would like to repair things if possible, but he seems completely obsessed with this woman and is adamant that he thinks we are over! I know he doesn't want to divorce because it will possibly mean having to sell the farm. Also, at my initiation, we are still having marital relations occasionally. I am so hurt and bewildered and frightened can anybody offer some advice? Do I see if it runs its course and get on with my own life in the meantime? Or try and get over it and move om. My family is the single most important thing to me in the world, and it has blown us apart. We have two daughters ages 21 and 19 and they are struggling to cope with this, I cannot be there for them and they need us as much now as they ever did. I am devastated this is happening to all of us, and all my husband can say is that he is thinking about himself for once, that they have their own lives now! and that I'll be alright. I am far from alright, help please

[Waterbearer]

Hi, I'm new here, but I really need to talk to someone. I have been with my partner fo 30 years, I am 46, he is 48. He is having an affair with an old friend whose own marriage has broken down, he is with her now as I speak. He hasn't admitted to this affair, but has moved into his sisters house (which is next door, he is a farmer and we live on a very isolated farm) because he said he 'needed space'!, he has said that he doesn't love me anymore, and these feelings started years ago, but this distancing only started when he started meeting this woman. I have known about this affair from its inception in March 2006, but there has been nothing I can do except watch in horror. I have confronted the woman who indicated that 'I must fight for him', and that indeed she did want to be with him. He said that this was not so, he just doesn't love me anymore and we must go our separate ways. I am still very much in love with the man and would like to repair things if possible, but he seems completely obsessed with this woman and is adamant that he thinks we are over! I know he doesn't want to divorce because it will possibly mean having to sell the farm. Also, at my initiation, we are still having marital relations occasionally. I am so hurt and bewildered and frightened can anybody offer some advice? Do I see if it runs its course and get on with my own life in the meantime? Or try and get over it and move om. My family is the single most important thing to me in the world, and it has blown us apart. We have two daughters ages 21 and 19 and they are struggling to cope with this, I cannot be there for them and they need us as much now as they ever did. I am devastated this is happening to all of us, and all my husband can say is that he is thinking about himself for once, that they have their own lives now! and that I'll be alright. I am far from alright, help please
Guessing here but maybe ummm... an "after mi-life crisis crisis"?For him that is ! Sounds like you got your marbles in the bag but him, not-so-much. I couldn't help noticing some keywords here .
1-Partner for 30 yrs (wtf?) ok to each their own ,just confused here why not husband instead of partner?
2-Nothing you can do but watch in horror ? I smell POO ! You can do ANYTHING !?is will you?
3-still very much in love with him? Seriously ? after that ? ok refer to #1 parentheses!
4-SEEMS (yes you said it ) he seems completely obsessed with this (my quotations here)"woman"(sorry but where I come from calling her a woman is an insult to real women of the world ,u know ,females that EARN the title)what comes to mind 4 me I'll not put HERE !
5- If it weren't 4 the severity and possible lethality of the situation this would be hilarious!...
Also, at my initiation, we are still having marital relations occasionally. again for my opinion/answer, refer to #1 parentheses ! Seriously you should go get checked for ummm transmittables (if you catch my drift) Ma'am getting him off ain't gonna get him back but you know that .That was a mutual thing
6-21 & 19 hmmm hello parent or not cut the apron strings & let 'em fly THEYRE ADULTS ! Let them have a life & you handle yours which seems kinda scary but I believe you can do it !
Do you believe in GOD & all that ? Well if so hers some food for thought ... What makes us better than angels ? The power of choice!We can choose (however pleasant or painful ) what we do with our lives they never can
once you read this you'll have yet another opinion of another person and you probably haven't or won't like this reply . However you did ask 4 advice and I'm trying . Take it or leave it Hopefully it helps if not at least I tried and you can appreciate me for being brutally honest even if you don't agree with what I txt here.


See other posts for better understanding but the short version is this... I think he don't appreciate NOR deserve you however in the interest of having a 30 year "partner" that you clearly REFUSE TO LET GO and you feeling the obvious that its just a REALLY cheap weird fling then you actually are facing three of the two choices u posted ! So theres my thoughts ,not yours,hope all goes well . Oh the 3rd choice ? Nothing ,you can simply choose to not choose ,either way ya GONNA make a choice ! All of em SUCKS but the ? s are when are you gonna stop stalling and choose ? next 1 would be COMMIT to the choice so at least you'll respect yourself (since clearly he's not respecting you at all) I don't know about you but when I lay down @ night my conscience is right there with me ,NO ONE sleeps with that but me . I'm hoping you'll keep that in mind the next time you think of putting yourself on the block to the lowest bidder ! You deserve better and don't forget it!

[claudia.35]

HI there

I felt compelled to write to you as our situations are so similar. My husband left me 5 months ago for my friend! He is living with her now and like yours seems obsessed with her. He says it's love and that he has never felt this way before, but I think its lust and infatuation because it's all new and exciting. Soon (Ihope that will wear off) and then he will be sad and lonely when he realises what he has lost. Like you I cannot believe this has happened to my family, I was with him 17 yrs (only half of the time you were with your husband) and we have 2 young children. I am now coming to terms with being a single parent. I have to get on with my life (as hard as it is), he has moved on, cut all ties from us. He lives with the OW and her children and has left his own children in the process! I am surethe men that hurt us so badly, believe the grass is greener. You need to be strong thru this. You cannot put your life on hold. Your chidlren our adults and can take care of themselves, you need to put your needs first and look after yourself. I am a strong believer of fate and believes what will be will be. Your husband has made his choice, and now its your turn. You have choices, you can be miserable and dwell about the past, or make a new future. He has destroyed your past, happiness but only you control your future, so make it a happy one! Be strong xx

[Heidi in Oregon]

I went through this, too. Same story. But I stuck with him & now regret it because not a day goes by that I don't wonder if he is still sneaking off with her. Its worse! Wish I would have left when I found out.

[Ageing Grace]

Hello, Lesley.

I'm sorry you're going through such an awful time. 30 years together - and a shared business - is a massive investment for either of you to turn away from, so I hope you and he find your way through this somehow.

"Somehow" may be any one of a number of outcomes, and I'm afraid you have a challenging time ahead. I appreciate it feels like the end of everything now but, the sooner you can adopt a view that this is a period of potentially exciting (though difficult) change & growth, the stronger you will feel and the more positive your outlook.

Parental disharmony is distressing for children of any age. I feel sorry for your daughters and for you. At 19 and 21 they are young adults and you're not responsible for their feelings. Since you live together, I hope they'll be a source of comfort and strength for you.

Posting in these forums helps: not only for the support you'll receive from others who share your pain, but also because the act of writing about it is therapeutic in itself. Why don't you start a thread in Marriage Help?

Thinking of you,
AG

[Raymond]

It must be hard for you Heidi living like that. Did he not give any assurance that it wouldn't happen again? Obviously your trust has not been mended.

How long ago did this happen? A lot of women couldn't live like that and usually the spouse working to regain the broken trust is vital which means proving that their intention is never to do it again.

Marriage doesn't really work without trust in that area in my view.

Raymond

[Colin Wiebe]

I’m sorry to hear that from you. I do hope you’ll end up with this. Let me know the update of your story.