Lost Trust

[crys4u82]

Please help... I dont know what to do anymore and I am afraid that if things keep going they way they are it will end our marriage. My husband and I have been married for 4 years and the last couple have been a downhill slope. A couple of years ago my husband cheated on me with one of his coworkers. I thought that I could forgive him for this but it is still looming over me to this day.

I know that in order for our marriage to work I need to have trust him but every time that I start to trust him something else happens. It has been him getting pictures of his ex-girlfriend (not the normal ones you would send to a married man), calls to and from other women (including still to this day the one he cheated on me with), to fights about the kids and everything else. I dont know what to do anymore.

I have tried to put it in the back of my head and just move on with my life but it keeps coming up. Most recently was this women calling him again. It would not be so bad if he had told me before that he would never talk to her again. He no longer works with her so what is the point of continuing to talk?

Yes I have done some pretty crappy things to him and I am not going to say that I am perfect either but in the respect of him being the one and only for the rest of my life, yes that is true. I have not cheated on him nor do I have the desire to do so. He is the man that I married and that is the end of it. But I have created some trust issues as well with checking his phone and looking through his email when he leaves it up. I know that it is wrong and I have stopped that. But yes I do still check the phone bill every month when it comes in.

Another thing that is coming between us is the fact that he is constantly looking at porn on the internet and constantly turning me down. I dont know what it is but it makes me feel like I am worthless and he wants nothing to do with me. Okay yes I have had two kids but I am back to the weight I was when I was modeling so I dont know what the problem is. I have tried to talk to him about it but it never makes a difference.

He makes me feel like he is only saying things to shut me up. There is never any action taken on the words that he is saying. What do I do? Please I need some advice.

Thank you.

[Smiles]

Hate to be the bearer of bad news but once you loose that trust it almost never return. I'm goint through a trust issue also.

You said it yourself that you try but you can't help yourself. Your life is going to be a living hell. We all do or have done something that we should not have done (It's not always cheating) but we still love and trust one another.

On the other hand when/if one of us betray that trust (I'm really sorry to say this it never come back).

No one can tell you what to do - just follow your heart. This happended to me one of my boyfiends of 8 years slept with his old girlfriend and when I found out I left him. Eventhough we had 8 years together I chose not to live the rest of my life with him wondering if because I forgave him will he be honest, trust worthy and faithful or take my kindness as a weekness. (He gave up the eight years not me)

Do you find youeself having all sort of wild thoughts when he's not home? Can't sleep if he say he's going out with the fellas and come in very late? Checking his clothes or anything you can get your hands on?

My personal experience is we only live once and we don't know when our time is up until it is - If you can live happy with him eventhough what happend did more power to you - If not move on life is too short.

Hope this help,

[Suzi2000]

Dear Crys, I'm not sure if I can support you as I too have difficulties with the trust issue. My problems only started 6 weeks ago and although we are reconnecting as a couple, the trust issue is still major. I check everything when I can and then I feel guilty about it. I have started to have more vivid dreams about her and that she is back in his life. I have a lot of evidence to say it is over and none to say it isn't but something wont let me move on.

Anyway, I had a thread similar to yours and got a lot of helpful replies.

http://2-in-2-1.co.uk/forums/showthread.php?t=4571

Please read it and see if it helps, I think from what people have said to me is that trust can come back but it takes two to make it happen.

I wish you all the best and hope this has been of some help.

[crys4u82]

Thank you both for the responses. I try really hard not to think about the things that he might still be doing. I used to check everything from the phone to the history on the internet but that only brought more things that dwindled my trust in him. I have come to a realization that the only way that I will ever be able to trust him again is if I believe what he tells me and let him show me that he is trustworthy. Just because he says something doesnt mean that his actions with mimic that. I have to see what his actions show me.

It might be wishful thinking but this is the man that I married that I have two beautiful children with. I do not what to throw that away just because I have an issue in trusting me. He has told me numerous times that if he didnt want to be with me he would not stick around. I think that with all the issues that we have it is something that I have to work on... Yes it still hurts that he did what he did, but he has had the respect to tell me that it had happened and to tell me that it would never happen again. I have to trust in what he says and believe he will take the actions to assure that.

Am I just leading myself into a world of hurt or is it worth it if we are both willing to work things out? If I am willing to open my heart again to trust him?

[SouthofFrance]

Chrys,
My H had an affair and like yours came clean and told me it would never happen again, and it sounds as if like me you want to stay with this fella, then I think you're right to keep trying. If it's any consolation mine came clean a year ago, and I still check the phone bill, and like yours he used to look at porn on the internet, and I too still from time to time check the history. BUT I don't think there is anything wrong with this, he broke my trust big time he knows this, I know this and we both know that it will take a lot of time for that to heal, I agree that the trust doesn't come back like before, but I do think if the love is there its a huge start.
I actually make a joke of checking the phone bill in front of him which keeps it from being an issue and as he is determined to make it work he understands this is something I still have an issue with and that he will have to accept me being suspicious without being paranoid for a while yet.
Like you it dosen't help when the other woman still contacts him, she sent a text only two weeks ago as its been a year and she was missing him etc etc but we had discussed how much harder it was for me to move on with her shadow still lingering, so we agreed he would show me any contact made by her and we would mutually agree on a reply (strangely enough he wouldn't agree to F off !!!!!!) I have to say him agreeing and acting on this has really helped, would your H listen if you were to tell him that you really want to put it behind you and make the future work but that you still had trust issues and that he could help by just being open with his mobile etc. Will he agree to stopping contact as it is making it harder for you to move on together - every time she contacts however strong and positive I've been feeling it makes me really sensitve for at least 3 weeks!
What are his responses when you tell him you are worried he no longer finds you attracitve as he turns you down etc ? You mentioned you have 2 children, I am assuming that due to the fact you've been married for 4 years they are little, we too have three little ones and it does put a lot of pressure a) on us as we feel like the woman in us has somehow disappeared and a mum has replaced her, and b) on the men as we no longer have the attention we had before for them (mine stated this as a factor in the affair) I don't know if it is a possibility for you but one thing that really helped (other than counselling - have you been?) was getting a babysitter once a week so we could get away from the house, the kids, the computer (we have our own business) the phones and just focus on us as a couple and it really really helped.
I really feel for you, but please don't despair it is completely normal to still have trust issues, it is the biggest betrayal a woman can endure, but in your second post you did say he had the respect to tell you, and that it won't happen again, it is incredibly difficult to believe but you obviously have the ability to see some positive things about the situation - try and focus on those. What could he do to make you feel more at ease? And of course as I am sure you know the other major player is time, it will get easier. Keep posting to let us know how you are getting on.
x

[SouthofFrance]

Suzi,
just read your thread, what a great one, Morty and Jigsaw sound just like me and my H, and I have to stress the whole looking after yourself and taking time out just for you is sooooooooo important, how are you doing now by the way?

[Suzi2000]

Hi there, thanks SouthofFrance for asking. It has actually been a while since i have been on this thread and was surprised to see this in my email! I'm hoping this is a good sign. Things are getting better - my good days far outweigh my bad ones. I also still check things and take comfort in the fact I find nothing. He has gone away this weekend with friends which is a huge test. I really wasnt happy before he left and almost shut him out. I have though been in touch with him loads and we have been sending eachother some nice messages. I think I have coped better with it than I thought I would.

I hope time will continue to heal - I hope we will continue to move on and grow. I have really needed this forum and hope it is helping everyone else with their problems.

Suzi