Please Help Me Find Some Courage.

[michelle_b]

Hi everyone.
I posted on this forum last year sometime about problems in my marriage.
As a result,i left my husband for a while(around 4 months) and then stupidly returned home after promises that he would change etc. I made it very clear then,that if the problems we had continued and nothing changed dramatically for the better, i would end the marriage as to me it was hopeless and misery for all concerned including my kids.
Things had been fine, some kind of normal life had returned untill yesterday when my husband had a bit to drink and the crap hit the fan again. one of the problems we had was him becoming very aggressive towards me when he had been drinking.
To cut a long story short, i have realised since last night(he stormed out and did not come home) that nothing has changed in his attitude to our marriage and he simply does not care about my feelings or the destruction of the marriage in any way. my problem is, we have been together for almost 20 years, although it has not been a happy marriage for a long time!
I WANT OUT, I am not prepared to accept all the hurt and my life being turned upside down again, i have given him lots and lots of chances but in the long run,it doesn't change anything. he disregards anything i say and prefers to ignore the problems,literally witha shrug of his shoulders!
I am afraid of being on my own after so long together, i always cave in and listen to his lies mainly for our childrens sake,they did not take the previous seperation very well. i want to walk away and never look back, i have had it with him,
I am desperately trying to find the courage to do so.
But where do i go from here?

[Peaches]

you pray and give it to God but remember once you do you need to leave it there. We all have similar situations and I personally have been struggling with my own and asking God for strength for me to walk away but at the same time i stay because of the kids also and honestly that is not healthy and you just pray and give it to god and he will take care of the rest. He is there to guide us and love us and fill us where no one else can. I can't tell you to leave because who I am I can only tell you to pray and he will tell you what to do. I have been married to my husband for 6 will be 7 years in November and guess what e has had 2 kids on me and that is the worst kinda pain and I have given that too God but now I am in a situation where i have asked God is it time for me to leave because he doesn't even see his kids and I personally am not in a state to deal and I know when that day comes I will walk away so what do I do. I pray everyday for forgiveness, a sense of peace, a sign to tell me is this the man for me. just remember whenever you pray pray for specifics of what you want. I will also pray for you myself

[Ginger God]

Michelle..not all of us are religious on this board so praying might not be the answer you are looking for.
All I can say is that you need to trust your instincts and dig up the courage from somewhere to leave the neanderthal that you have shared the last 20 years with, because if he is aggressive than he needs put back in his cave.
Wont be easy..in fact it will be crapola....but its the only way.

Graham

[michelle_b]

Thank You, Peaches and Graham for your replies,
i am afraid i have come to the conclusion that my marriage has died a long time ago and i feel trapped and can even hear myself screaming inside.
As i had written in my previous posts, i used to be such a strong person but i am now a wreck and am crying even now.
What i resent most of all is his indifference to me and total disregard of my feelings,he is the son of an alcoholic and comes from a very dysfunctional family(every one of his siblings are alcoholics too).
I am sure that this is the cause of him being unable to cope with relationships in any way,because of his upbringing, i am not making excuses for him just pointing out that he has had a very bad childhood and in turn has simply no idea how to treat those you love properly.
I feel sorry for him because he will never be happy because he doesn't know what happy is,
I know that it is time for me to get out of this "bad place" because i am afraid of my actions, i did something stupid to myself a few years back and don't want to go there again for the sake of my kids.
I have been reading some other posts here and realise it will take me a long time to find any kind of peace within myself but i am willing to try,
i don't have anyone to talk to as i have isolated myself over the years so basically just sit by myself most of the time.
I just hope that i can find some of the strength i used to have and do what i have to do.

[asiarose27]

Dear Michelle
Empathise you so much your feelings!I can't tell you for what to do.It's depends on our own situiation,abilities,strength,will powers and supports from family &friends.Is he always been an alcoholic??How many years he been drinking?Until he sorted out his drinking problem:all problems will continue.I try to help you to have courages & strengths(both pratical ways& with prayers).Are you in Uk?please mail me to:sawthirithant@yahoo.co.uk sawxxx

[michelle_b]

Hello again,
just a quick update on my situation. Anyone who has read my previous posts,thank-you for taking the time, life has not been good to me for a long long time! I have been feeling desperate and hopeless and it got to the stage where my health was being affected in a big way.
However, i have reslised that i am in this crisis situation only because i allow it to be that way! I have managed to shift my attitudes and now feel a lot stronger than i have done recently. So much so, that this morning i asked my H to leave (or i would have to) so that we can both have some sort of a "normal" life,without all the crying,heartache,rows and terrible atmosphere in the house which isn't pleasant for any of us,especially the kids.
As i have previously posted, 20 years is a long time to be with someone and to be honest, it will feel like a death in the family when he goes (as i know he will) but i think i have already mourned the end of my marriage (for the last 2 years) and at last i am ready to move on. I honestly have lost the ability to care about it any more which helps me tremendously because i really was not coping before.
Oh i know that some of you will say to hang in there and fight for my marriage but i am sick being the only one fighting for it, i did not want my marriage to end,especially like this, but i have lost all hope now, so no more for me i'm afraid.
My big regret is that we have been together practically all of our adult lives and i know it will be very,very hard being apart, it's a case of "can't live with,can't live without" which is a very damaging and horrible place to be in. But,enough is enough. I Feel strong just now but no doubt will be sad and in a bit of a state soon (going on past experience). Wish me luck ;)
Michelle.

[Topsy47]

Hi Michelle

I just wanted to wish you the best of luck. You said in one of your posts that you used to be a strong person - that strength is still within you and you will be able to get through all this.
It is devastating when a marriage ends but this one seems to be very destructive for you. I think you have already fought for your marriage but the fight to make it work has to come from both sides and it doesn't seem like your H is ever going to change.
You have to do what is right for you and what you think gives you the best chance of a happy future.

I sincerely hope things go well for you
topsy

[Anne22]

Hello Michelle,

I am so sorry you are living in this hell - I know how you feel and have been there too - I must say the advice Topsy gave you is good advice - you have to do what is right for YOU!!

If you read any of my previous posts you will see I have been through the 'fighting to make it work' stage, the 'cant go through with this because of the kids' stage etc etc I also felt so weak that I didnt know if I could do it!! Leave!! Or ask my h to leave!!!

However, and I am 5 months down the line now - I asked my h to leave at the end of April and he did! (In fact found out then he had a flat 10 miles away and had it for 3 months!) It has been hard emotionally having to come to terms with the loss (celebrated 20 years of marriage in Sept - my only relationship - met at sch!!!) It is a kind of berievement - but I must say for me however sad it has been and all the tears I have shed etc I am growing stronger - I am gaining a little of my self esteem back day by day and I can now see a very small light at the end of the tunnel rather than thinking that light was switched off!!

I am divorcing him for adultery and things have been very difficult but we never argued in front of the children and that was very important to me - I am finding that my children are coping very well - they are very resilient - of course I never thought this would happen to ME but life sucks - we cant make a marriage work if the other person isnt committed!!!

I do believe that we three (me and my kids) are happier now - I am sleeping better now(which helps) for the first time in years - so therefore am coping with everyday things better and yes its hard and I have good and bad days but my decision was sort of liberating - I think my h would have carried on in the sham of our marriage for the rest of his life and I decided I was not prepared to play second fiddle and be ignored for the rest of my adult life!

I am sure you think 20 years is such a long time to give up on - but hey think about the glass being 'half full rather than half empty!' I have another 40 years left of my life and I am determined to be happy!

Do what is right for you Michelle its important - good luck with your decisions.

Post as often as you feel you need to there are loads of great people here with so much advice and support to offer you.

Take care - thinking of you.

Love Anne22 xx

[michelle_b]

Topsy
thank you for replying, your words give me a tremendous amount of encouragement, i know that i am now on the right track. yes.it is devastating when you fight for your marriage and it fails anyway- and as you said,the fight has to come from both sides and i did not have that:(
anyway,onwards and upwards, and hopefully i can be happy again one day!
best wishes,
Michelle x


Anne,
thank you so much, you made a lot of sense to me:)
I think that it is so hard because of the huge part of your life that you have given to your marriage and never expected it to end!
i agree that it is like a bereavement but it is either that or be used as a doormat, and so much of us put up with that for far too long!
i never wanted any of this and fought it for a long time but have given up the fight as i know it is pointless and nothing changes,maybe for a few days then back to "normal" !
My H is still here, i don't know why, because he is usually off as fast as his heels can take him but i refuse to listen to his pathetic lies anymore,so he can save his breath.
i feel much better than i have done for a long long time but believe me, i have had my heart and spirit broken so many times!
Hopefully, my life will get better(for all my family) let's face it,it can't get any worse! i have stopped crying every day at last!
Thank you for replying Anne, you have given me another little bit of strength. I hope that your life turns out for the better too:)
take care,
Michelle x

[louise]

Hi Michelle ty for ur reply it means a lot for me , and even more when i read ur mail i feel for u hun i couldnt wish this on my worst enemy only one person right now and no guesses who that would be . I feel critical if i give u advice right now hun i always used to say if it happened to me i would be gone from his life but they have a powerful way to make the injured person feel worthless and low self esteem .
I know the right thing to do is to go but we cant help out feelings none of us r perfect and make mistakes honey .
He is communicating his hardest right now and giving me the nswers i wanted now i asked i wish i hadnt because i feel worse than i ever imagined i could .
pls keep in touch i think right now i am still numb but once this feeling gets easier i am sure we can help each other always feel free to mail me anytime and i will try as hard as i can to help u in any way . Ty for ur time and support Tc Michelle god bless hun

louise xx

[outoftheblue]

Well done Michelle - you thought by posting on this site we would give you the courage you thought you needed, but you have found it for yourself. You are being very strong and that strength comes from knowing that however hard this is - it is the right thing for you to do, Of course 20 years is a very long time and you will grieve for the death of your marriage and that is normal. But as you grieve you will grow and soon be ready to move on and face the world a much stronger person for all of this that you are now struggling with.

There is no need to blame yourself for the marriage failing. Marriage is a partnership and requires two people to make it work. It seems from what you say that your H was almost genetically programmed to be an alcoholic and if he is unable to accept that and get help then you are right he will never be truly happy. He has had poor role models in his father and siblings and effectively does not know any different, sadly he didn't take your last time apart as a time to sort himself out and he now has to live with the consequences of his denial.

Good luck to you Michelle you tried, but he failed. The strength you need is within you and you are drawing on it every day and you will get through this and move forward to a brighter future.
(((XXX)))
Cxx

[michelle_b]

Hi OOTB,

Thank you for taking the time to read and reply to my thread,
No, H isn't an alcoholic,infact he very rarely drinks at all, but is not a nice person when he does!
It is just about all of his family who have drink problems and because of this he has had an awful upbringing. I really think that this has made him incapable of being able to form "normal" relationships ( whatever that is! ). Ithink that is where the habitual lying stems from, his father was very aggresive towards him and i think as a child he learned very quickly to lie to "save his skin" . Very sad:(
But he is now almost 40 and it is a husband i need! and the kids need a dad (although he is a good dad) and i have struggled with the way he is for years and have been heartbroken so many many times because he just does not listen, or is incapable of sorting real problems. I should not be having to wait to see what he does next (as he always does) i should be secure in the marriage after all these years and i should be able to trust him completely, i am afraid none of this applies, it goes as far as saying i have reached the stage where i would not believe his D.O.B. if i had not seen it in black and white! That is how bad the lying has become! Of course there have been much,much more than lying (in my other posts)
I have an awful lot of regrets, mainly the yo-yo'ing back and forth over the years, i should have ended this a long time ago, i still want him in my life in some way, hard to let go after 20 years, as i will always look on him as a member of my family. I simply cannot live like this anymore.
I just wish so much that things had been different. I wish we had been happier..i wish he had been able to put his wife and kids first in his life,instead of me feeling "thrown to the side" constantly so that he could carry on doing whatever he wanted!
He disregarded my feelings all the time no matter what state i was in and i really was not coping, his answer was to just storm out and stay away for days with his phone constantly off, it just made me very bitter towards him, i didn't want any of that, just a marrigae with mutual respect in every way, i have nevr had that. He still tells me that he loves me, but how can he say this and then do something that breaks my heart the very next day?

I am so very gratefull to have found some strength again (at last!) it feels like a shutter has come down on my feelings towards our "marriage" and i am sure it will help him too in the long run because now he is being forced to evaluate his life, mainly for the kids, i know that the coming months will be hard and probably a lot of tears again but this cannot go on,for all our sakes.
thanks OOTB, i really appreciate you replying,
Hope things work out for you soon,
take care,
Michelle.