My husband and my best friend

[julia.37]

Can anybody offer me any advice? My husband left me for my best friend about 2 months ago now and I dont know how to cope any more. It was completely out of the blue and has left behind 3 beautiful children. Has anbody else been in this situation and how do i go about winning him back? x

[outoftheblue]

Hi Julia,
So sorry you find yourself in this horrid situation. All of us here are suffering in some way and are at various stages along the way.

There is is much comfort and virtual friendship to be found here as we are all hurting. I have found posting to other people has helped me focus on something other than myself and has kept me partially sane. Also a focus for my day waiting to see how my new friends have been etc.

Tell us a little about yourself, roughly how old your H is, how long married, how long known best friend her situation etc. Is your H seeing/providing for you/his children etc.

This is all anonymous and won't resolve everything, but we can offer advice and much moral support.
C

[julia.37]

Hi thank you for taking the time to reply. My husband is 45 and i am nearly 40. We have been married for 20 years and although things weren`t great between us I thought we still loved each other. His affair had been going on for over a year and I honestly had no idea it was going on. The thing is I really want him back but have no idea how to go about it. My so called best friend has children the same age as mine and it kills me to think they are now playing happy families. x

[outoftheblue]

Welcome to my world!! We're both in similar situations, married 20 years happyish and totally unaware anything was going on. I feel for you and hope I can offer support.
Don't know if you've read any of my thread - goes on a bit I know-but at least you'll know where I'm coming from.
I love my H dearly and this recent behaviour from him has come out of the blue for me (hence my name on here) and like you I want to find a way of resolving the situation. My husband has never behaved like this before and seems to be having some sort of Mid Life Crisis - he's 44. He has over-worked and works away from home and after the death of his father seemed to just crumple.

Is there anything you think may have sparked this affair off. Is the OW divorced? How much contact does your H have with you and your children. If you read some of the threads on this site you may see he fits a certain pattern and this may help you see whether his leaving is likely to be a fling or more permanent thing. If you've been married for 20 years and he's never done anythig remotely similar before then the chances are at his age it's MLC. Then how you handle it may affect the outcome.

Sorry I'm talking like I know, which I really don't. Six months ago we were on a family skiing holiday and I was thinking of planning a party for our 20th anniversary. I had absolutely no idea of the bomb that was about to go off in my life at the end of April when the guilt got too much for him and he left and told me about OW. I've done a lot of reading and research since then to help me through the pain of it all and I believe that this is not to do with me and our son but all to do with him and how he is feeling about life etc. ie. MLC. Despite advice to the contrary I am playing a waiting game- waiting for him to wake up and realise what a great marriage/family/life/home etc he had/has; waiting for him to realside the OW is a pig(!!) sorry and waiting for him to come home. He needs to find his own way home and resolves these life issues in his head - I have reassured him that for now I am still here keeping the home fires burning.

If your H has moved from one child based relationship to another he hasn't really gained anything (ie. freedom from responsibilities etc) and having to tolerate someone elses children (and to not have any say in their behaviour/upbringing) will soon wear thin. I doubt very much whether they will be playing happy families for long. He will soon realise his own kids are much better.
Cxx

[Ginger God]

Julia,

Very soon he will realise that the other woman soon becomes very boring. Its not as if he is moving in with a girl who is 15 years younger than him with no kids and waits for him behind the door every evening with a basque and suspenders on demanding sex for the next 6 hours.
Once the reality has kicked in he will think differently. Im not saying take him back if he comes rushing back because he has caused havoc in your life and ruined your friendship with your best friend.
Once again a guy being led by the python in his trousers..sorry its all about sex..none of this found my soul mate lark..thats crap.
Dont go running to him, I know its hard, I was there after leaving my wife because of her affairs but you get there. Im healthy, the kids are healthy and we are all happy again.
You are in a place that you dont want to be but you can only let it run its course..or you decide now that there is no going back. The ball is in your court.

Graham

[outoftheblue]

I agree totally with Graham and it is so great to have a male perspective, but it is all about sex and there is no future in this relationship because as GG says he hasn't 'improved' his life merely changed location but the set up is the same.

This is why I am playing the long game with my H. He has actually gone for an older woman (only a year older than me but though I say so myself, the years haven't been kind to her and she has no kids). In response to my questions what has she got that I haven't etc my H has admitted it's nothing I've done or not done it's just 'different' with her! He's turned my whole world upside down for 'different' -not better-'different!' Pah!!

There is no way it will last and if I keep managing to play the sainted wife role I am currently trying (Oscar nomination should be in the post soon) then I hope he will see sense.

I do hope it will be the same for you. Many people will advise you to throw him out etc, but if you are like me and think a good 20 year marriage is worth saving despite H behaving like an arse then be patient for now at least and see if he can come to his senses. I knew that my H would have to go to OW to try it and see if the grass is greener etc. Hoping any day now he'll see it isn't and what he is about to lose. Although your H has had the affair for a year he has only been living with her for 2 months (? hope that's right) so he has got try this new life out before he realises it's no different.

Stay strong for yourself, the children and your marriage
Cxx

[julia.37]

It is really comforting to know that there are other people out there in similar situations. H has been living with OW for 2 months and she has 2 children similar ages to mine. It must be the sex thing. Our sex life wasn't great and i suppose I didn't make enough time for him in that department! Perhaps I just need to be patient but it hurts so much to think of him with an OW. He does see the children and I really don't want to stop him seeing them for their sake, but it kills me to know they are spending time together when I just want to be a family again. x

[Ginger God]

Julia..the guy doesnt even sound a man...but ..and you aint gonna like this..but why would you want to stop him seeing his kids. You cant..but I understand you feel bad about him.
Of course its the sex thing..nothing else, but you have some huge decisions to make.
Heres a mans perspective of sex when you are single.
I have had half a dozen proper relationships since splitting up, all perectly adult ones where each person had a good time but they all fifnished and everyone went away happy. Sex? Yes it was good but quickly became fairly run of the mill. Sex in affairs is good because its not allowed..its different and its illicit. This just shows that its not the be all and end all..it also shows that Im probably not ready for anything too serious and am not ready to meet anyone to fall in love with.
If you dont get back with H then there will still be a life to live after it. Ok its not nice but I am a better person, a happier person and am now comfortable with my life.
I know you wont feel like it but get yourself dolled up and get out there..even try to show him how good you can look........... and tell him to GIRUY....thats Scottish code for Get It Right Up Yie!!!!
Upwards and onwards.

Graham

[Lauz]

He has actually gone for an older woman (only a year older than me but though I say so myself, the years haven't been kind to her and she has no kids). In response to my questions what has she got that I haven't etc my H has admitted it's nothing I've done or not done it's just 'different' with her! He's turned my whole world upside down for 'different' -not better-'different!' Pah!!



I got this line from my h too. OW was older also - 7 years older, and not what I call attractive, and he agrees she's no stunner! God only knows why they do this to us for WHAT? I asked that question too.

Anyway, in my case, things are improving and I dont regret for a minute the decision I made to wait and forgive and have him back. I'm not saying we are in the clear,

[outoftheblue]

See is this thing about them going off with older less attractive women more about them and still 'having it' the ability to pull? My H was never a stunner, bless him, but I loved him then and now because of who he is/was, a kind, funny, decent, loving, honest, faithful man. Whoops! should have held for George Clooney I suppose.

But anyway I think they are the things Ow also found attractive in him. She has known him for 5 years and knew how happily married he was and only made a move on him when he was low after the death of his father. It's ironic that because of her, he is now unkind, indecent, dishonest and unfaithful so why does she still find him attractive. Or is she just pleased to have snared one of the so called good guys for herself and to hell with the lives she has ruined along the way.

Although I like Graham's idea of getting out there, for me it is impossible whilst I am still married. I cannot break my marriage vows and be unfaithful just because he has been. Also I am still in a place where I love my husband and can't bear the thought of being with another man.

Maybe I'm just old fashioned but I think you should be patient for a while and keep your dignity. That way there is less bar to a reconciliation.


Cxx

[tara44]

Hi. I haven't been on a site like this for a few years but I find it comforting to check in now and again to know I'm not alone. Sorry if that sounds rubbish to you, but a few years down the line, maybe you'll feel the same. My h left me and my kids after 10 years of marriage for an OW. At the time I was devastated (in some ways I still am). But time is a great healer (a tired old saying but so true). It may be hard for you to hear, Julia, but have you asked yourself why your h left? If your marriage had been perfect he wouldn't have looked twice at another woman. I can admit now that our marriage was far from perfect, but at the time I couldn't see it. I'm going to stop there for fear of upsetting you. But speaking as one who has been through it and is pretty much through to the other side, I feel I have an altered perception than a lot of people here and all I want to do is help anyone I can. If you want to correspond with me more, please do.

Tara
x

[Lauz]

Tara - Is there such a thing as a perfect marriage? NO ONE is perfect, so how can a relationship with two human beings be perfect. I think what matters is that you understand the differences and difficulties and use your marriage commitment to work on those things, not just hide away or deny the issues, and move onto the next "perfect" person.

[claudia.35]

Hi Julia

I am in exactly the same situation as you. My husband left me for a friend 5 months ago and they now live together. Watching this all unfold has been very difficult and very painful as like you we have children of similar ages. Our children are in the same class at school so Ihave to face the OW on a daily basis. I know exactly what you are going thru, at times the pain and betrayal is unbearable. But do you know what. Ihonestly think people who can be this selfish deserve eachother! I live in hope that one day it will all go tits up for them and their relationship is all about sex. It is in the honeymoon period at the moment, that will never last. Just remember you didn't deserve this, you are a much better person than they will ever be. Be strong and keep posting. If it gets too much, let us know and I will respond with hope! take care of yourself and your children. xxx

[outoftheblue]

Well said Claudia. How many of us out there are waiting for relationships to go 'Tits up'. Whilst I do pray that this will happen I have not yet used this phrase to the big man upstairs but hopefully he gets my drift.

Can't wait to see a posting from a failed adulterer male or female with the user name Tits up. That really would sum it up and make my day especially if it was posted by my H, but I think pigs might fly first.

Claudia it's tough having to see OW everyday and not punch her, but admire you for keeping your dignity. Keep your head held high and know you have pitched your tent on the moral high ground.

Julia, whilst nobody's marriage is perfect -Tara's comments about if it was he wouldn't have looked twice at another woman are not really accurate. Sometimes it's the men who have it all - perfect marriage;perfect home;perfect wife and perfect children just need more of a challenge and need something else especially around the time of MLC. It's like people who buy a home spend every minute doing alterations etc to make it perfect and as soon as it's finished they sell the house because there is nothing to do. Don't let yourself think you are in any way to blame for H going off - it is his weakness/failing not yours.
Cxx

[claudia.35]

Out of the blue, thank you so much for your kind comments. Believe me it takes every ounce of strength not to punch the OW every time I see her. I have to say the situation is unbearable and I am desperately trying to make the decision on whether to move away, especially as she now has to be part of my children's life too. My H has turned into a coldhearted person who doesn't care about my feelings whatsoever. He said we are finished and he is sick of organising his life round me. I will be moving away soon so wont have to see the OW anyway and to basically get on with it! I sometimes wonder what I have done to deserve this and it hurts so much. I am in such a low point myself at the moment and feel everything is against me. The only thing keeping me going is remembering I didn't cause any of this and despite my h blaming me on numerous occasions. He had the affair not me! I can only make decisions based on what I believe to be right at the time and will dance in the streets when his decsions go 'tits up'!!!!

xx

[julia.37]

Hi Claudia. Knowing there is somebody else out there in the same situation is kind of comforting! I really don't know how I am managing to keep it all together at the moment every day it seems to get harder and harder. Do you still want your H back? I do I long for him to come to his senses and see what we had is worth fighting for. Reading Tara's comments about looking at our marriage I do feel now that I should have made more of an effort perhaps, especially where sex was concerned, but is that a reason to go off with my best friend? Is that all men really think about? I have sometimes thought about not letting him see his children but I know that is wrong. How do you cope? x

[claudia.35]

Hello Julia

You will be surprised how many people there are in a similar situation to ours, it's so sad. I pray every day that my H will come to his senses and come back to me. I am 5 months down the line and watch him change from a caring man into someone I don't recognise any more. This may not happen to you (and I hope very much it doesn't), but he has really changed. He doesn't seem to care about my feelings anymore and seems so cold towards me. He tells me to my face that he will never come back as he is in love with the OW and has never felt this way b4! Not nice words to be told by your H i can tell you! I will not lie to you, I have days when I can barely get out of bed and days where I cry solidly, but I have to stay strong for my children. My H has chosen a new life, I have to live mine and not put mine on hold. It's not easy by any means but you have a choice, you can be miserable and pine at home, or you can get out there and do things you want to do! rediscover what it is you want, pamper yourself, change your hair, join a gym, anything that makes you happy. Take each day as it comes, you will have good and bad days. Do you see your H? Does the OW see your children? I strongly suggest not using your children against your H, it's not their fault and they need a relationship with their father. But you are in control, make it on your terms - this is something I have tried to do. My H insisted my children be part of the his and the OWs life, I begged him not to but he went against my wishes. He has also bought them back late on numerous occasions, the last resort being 3 hrs late! I now have changed his access to every other weekend. I haven't stopped him seeing the children, but have made it more bearable for me and the children. He was waltzing in and out every few days b4, the chidlren and me were all over the place. The children would hate it when he left again and I spent the rest of my week trying to re-settle them. This had to stop, so it has. Maybe in time he will see them more again. I want that very much, but like I said it has to be on my terms. He wont meet me half way at the moment, so it's his loss. I gave him a fair choice! I hope this helps you. Just take each day at a time, you will go thru many stages of the grieving process. You will experience sadness, strength, anger, guilt, love, hatred so many emotions. But you will come thru a stronger person, but don't you ever blame yourself. It takes 2 to make a marriage work. You have been hurt in the most spiteful way but people you trusted. None of this is your fault, please remember that! Are you in the UK? If you want to keep in touch send me your email address and I will contact you.

take care, xxx

[outoftheblue]

Julia I feel for you and share your pain. I don't know why men have to do this to us, it's so selfish and self indulgent. They seem to almost do it deliberately but from my reasearch (desperate trawling of the internet) it seems to be part of the classic Mid Life Crisis. I always believed it was a joke or just involved a porche/motorbike or dodgy trendy clothes. But from what is happening to me and many like me is it's real and horrible to experience.

My H seems like yours and Claudia's happy and contented as part of a good successful marriage that others even admired and then just flips out and everyone's world falls apart.

They seem oblivious to how wide the fall out goes across families and friends and the closer and happier the marriage was, the bigger the shock and surprise for all concerned.

I hope and pray everyday that he will 'wake- up' and take stock of where he now is and wonder what he is doing with the OW. He has tried to reassure me that it isn't to do with me the attraction is that it's 'different'. Despite the fact that if he looked at it objectively he would see it is pretty much the same, except without the happy memories of all our time together and without our son.

I am playing a long game waiting for him to wake up and it may never happen. But I am trying to be the best, most stable and together mother/person and then he may realise what a prat he has been. If not he and OW are welcome to each other. Their relationship won't last long term and they will both be left with nothing and I will have secured George Clooney for myself.
I hope you can stay strong enough to do this too as the chances are he will realise you are worth fighting for. Your best friend (obviously no longer) has played a part in this - was her marriage already over before this and if so do you know why it failed. If her H was unfaithful then you would think she would never do that to another woman, but maybe it's her odd way of getting revenge despite the fact you are innocent. If she was unfaithful or the marriage just didn't work out then she is unlikely to stay with your H very long.

Some days will be harder than others for no particular reason, but stay strong and focus on your goal of quietly winning him back with your dignity.
Cxx

[Ginger God]

Girls...can I ask you why you are so keen to have your philandering men back?
And that question isnt asked flippantly because I left my wife nearly two years ago because of her affair. I have had to deal with the other guy moving into my old house and living with our kids but I wouldnt have her back if she was the last girl in the world.
All cheats are different. My wife claims to be skint and despite the fact that he is living with her she apparently doesnt take any money from him because that way she owes him nothing. What she really means is that if he gets caught with his trousers down again she will have to dump him.
Yesterday my boy told me that Mum had a new car..a £30000.00 jeep..not bad for a girl with no money. So I have to scrimp away give her the money to clothe the kids which is fine..but she moans that she needs more and takes the tax credits despite the fact we have joint and equal custody.
Him? She can s**g him all week its not an issue for me but you girls are just into the start of your..sorry...breakdown and it stinks.
You wont always feel like this it does get easier trust me on that one but Im not sure how you would deal with the philanderers coming home..might come home and leave again and that would be no good for the kids.
Keep your heads up and remember you are so much better than these guys.

Graham

[outoftheblue]

Graham I know how it looks from the outside and a year ago if I had been on this site I would have been saying the same. I have counselled friends over the years and have been at a loss to understand why they are still letting their H into their lives. Maybe in a years time I'll be where you are.

But.... when I married my H we were best friends, lovers, companions, soulmates etc. Odd though it seems we didn't have to work at the relationship it just succeeded. We were soo comfortable together, a proper match if you like. It wasn't him versus me - we just lived and behaved as one.

When my H started his own business which took him away alot he started quite rightly putting all his energies into that. I supported him completely even though I had to take a backseat, because I knew he was doing it for us as a family. Somewhere along the line he lost the work/life balance. I saw it but was powerless to stop it and by then he was caught up in his own success/importance. This coupled with losing his Dad tipped him over the edge into a different person. Self centred task/goal orientated full of blue sky thinking and other management b****cks.

I know my H is not a serial philanderer and the person he is currently pretending to be, isn't truly him and certainly isn't making him happy because he has said so. But like a good many men, he won't be told this and has to find out for himself. If he can learn about himself and refind his way in life, I will welcome him home and forgive him, because I know he will never do this again.

I know it's like women who stay with partners who abuse them, you can't believe they put themselves through that and think if that ever happened to me I'd chop his whatsits off, but until it actually happens you don't really know how you would really react and of course love really is blind and colours our judgement in many areas.

Like Julie I feel my marriage is worth fighting for and owe it to the couple we successfully were for 22 years to support my H through his MLC and be there if he still wants me when he comes out the other side. After all that is what I said my vows for. I meant them then and intend to honour them now till death us or is it death do us part.
C.

[julia.37]

Dear out of the blue and Claudia

Why do you want your H back? I keep asking myself that question over and over again. Would you ever be able to trust them again? As you say Claudia it takes 2 to make a marriage work but I just can't help thinking it was all my fault. I do allow him to see the children but because my H and OW know my children well it kills me to think they are playing happy families. Do your husbands want to see the children more? xx

[Ginger God]

Graham I know how it looks from the outside and a year ago if I had been on this site I would have been saying the same. I have counselled friends over the years and have been at a loss to understand why they are still letting their H into their lives. Maybe in a years time I'll be where you are.

But.... when I married my H we were best friends, lovers, companions, soulmates etc. Odd though it seems we didn't have to work at the relationship it just succeeded. We were soo comfortable together, a proper match if you like. It wasn't him versus me - we just lived and behaved as one.

When my H started his own business which took him away alot he started quite rightly putting all his energies into that. I supported him completely even though I had to take a backseat, because I knew he was doing it for us as a family. Somewhere along the line he lost the work/life balance. I saw it but was powerless to stop it and by then he was caught up in his own success/importance. This coupled with losing his Dad tipped him over the edge into a different person. Self centred task/goal orientated full of blue sky thinking and other management b****cks.

I know my H is not a serial philanderer and the person he is currently pretending to be, isn't truly him and certainly isn't making him happy because he has said so. But like a good many men, he won't be told this and has to find out for himself. If he can learn about himself and refind his way in life, I will welcome him home and forgive him, because I know he will never do this again.

I know it's like women who stay with partners who abuse them, you can't believe they put themselves through that and think if that ever happened to me I'd chop his whatsits off, but until it actually happens you don't really know how you would really react and of course love really is blind and colours our judgement in many areas.

Like Julie I feel my marriage is worth fighting for and owe it to the couple we successfully were for 22 years to support my H through his MLC and be there if he still wants me when he comes out the other side. After all that is what I said my vows for. I meant them then and intend to honour them now till death us or is it death do us part.
C.

Hey C.....

It wasnt the first time my friend, lover and soulmate had cheated on me so I didnt make the decision lightly. I fought and fought but it was pointless..my lawyer made a great point to me whilst sending her the letter that signalled the end of my marriage..Graham she said..you wife wants you to do this because she can blame you...and its strange because invariably she does..its actually quite pathetic.
As well as two known affairs I caught her with the morning after pill..Im firing blanks..but of course the pills were for my 12 year old daughters friend.
Life changing decisions were made by me because I had the courage and took the chance to be happy again..and I am going to be really honest here ..I know money doesnt bring happiness but it really irks me to see her with cash because she has a rich father and a fairly wealthy boyfriend.
But..you pays your money..you take your chance.

Graham

[outoftheblue]

Hi Graham sorry didn't mean to come across quite as I did. It sounds like you've been treated dreadfully by your ex and were right to go your own way. Up till now my H has been a great guy and I have been proud to be his wife so I'm still looking for the great guy he once was to return. One day I might have to accept he is gone forever but for now I'm still hoping.

Of course money can't buy happiness but happiness equally doesn't buy money and having it is always better than not and if you can have both that's great.
Hopefully you may have the happiness/ closure/peace of mind now and although she has the money will she ever be truly happy? Clearly having money hasn't made her a very nice person you're much better off without her especially if you really are a God.
Is the Ginger thing hair or biscuits. I was going to say nuts, but thought that might provoke a rude answer unsuitable for such a saintly site!
Cx

[outoftheblue]

Julia (sorry called you Julie before) of course you want him back because you're still in love with the man you married.
You haven't changed - he has and never ever think that this is your fault. I know why you do because you think if you'd been perfect he wouldn't have looked elsewhere. But that isn't the point - no one's is perfect, but he owed it to you to firstly tell you about his dissatisfaction and then find ways to resolve things.
He has just jumped into bed with OW without trying to resolve or if he felt so strongly to finish the marriage first. That puts him completely in the wrong. Also would indicate that there was nothing actually wrong with you or the marriage but he got tempted and succumbed. And as you say they are playing at happy families - that will soon wear very thin. children aren't always great to be around as any mum will tell you and it's when the novelty wears off and they start acting up that the happy families tag will crumple.
Of course they should see their Dad - but have you ever thought of feeding them a load of E-numbers before they go on a visit - cola smarties etc. Bouncy, stroppy hyperactive kids aren't nearly so much fun and could quickly burst his happy families bubble!! A little bit of junk food whilst obviously not ideal will do far less harm to them long term than their Dad chasing his mistress and breaking up their happy home.
Cxx

[claudia.35]

Dear Julia, out of the blue and Graham

I want my H back because my feelings haven't died overnight and I didn't ask for any of this to happen. I still love him and always will. He is the father of my beautiful children and I spent 17 yrs blissfully happy (maybe ignorant), but either way I was (or believed I was) happily married. I am not saying it was perfect after 17 yrs no marriage is (is it?), we had our ups and downs, but I thought it was worth fighting for! I want my children to have a full-time father. I want the happy times back. I miss the companionship and the way we knew eachother so well. I knew him inside out ( but I guess not well enough to know he was having an affair). I know deep down he is no longer the man I married and that hurts like hell. I can't describe the pain of knowing he doesn't love me like I love him. But I do know that I have fought so hard to save what we had, and nobody will ever be able to say that I didn't try. I have done everything in my power to win him back and unfortunatley haven't succeeded. In my heart I know my H wont come back, to much water has passed under the bridge. My family hate him, his family have not spoken to me since the day his affair came out (they took his and OWs side), so a relationship with him now would be against all odds. It kills me to admit that and I am sobbing as I write this. I love my H and always will I just wish to god he felt the same.

xx

[outoftheblue]

Claudia, I agree wholeheartedly with you. We haven't changed and neither have our feelings and that is why it hurts so very very much. I wish I could comfort you as I know exactly how you are feeling, but there is nothing I a can possibly say that will take away your pain and I am sorry about that. That old saying about it's better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all is rubbish, because real love doesn't just die when one of the parties walks away so you still have all the love inside but no one to give it to.

Because you love your H completely of course it will hurt and as the father of your children you are constantly reminded of him and all that you once shared so it's not as if you can just forget about him and move on.

Not sure how old your H is but sounds like a MLC like my H. At the moment he is saying he doesn't love you anymore because he is wrapped up in himself and his affair. When I asked my H how he could forget about us and a 20 year happy marriage, he said 'it's what you have to do.' Such an odd comment, but being cold-hearted is part of that rather than actually directed at you, is probably more to stop himself falling apart from the guilt at what he has done. But if he can walk away so easily from a happy 17 year marriage it will be even easier to walk away from her when he gets bored and he will.

I don't know but when marriages are as long as ours and to all intents and purposes happy throughout then this straying really is more about MLC trying something new etc than suddenly falling out of love. A dying marriage is more obvious over time and that then leads to someone looking elsewhere. A bad marriage would have failed much earlier.

Don't give up all hope in your H completely, yes alot has probably been said etc, but if you don't recognise this man even after 17 years together, he is clearly going through some sort of crisis and may emerge as your old H later on and then all the water under the bridge can be consigned to a very dark chapter in your life together. That is what I am praying for, for me and you and Julia, because I believe love can't just die like that and marriage is worth fighting for.

Dry your tears Claudia and focus on staying strong.
Much love
Cxx

[Ginger God]

Hi Graham sorry didn't mean to come across quite as I did. It sounds like you've been treated dreadfully by your ex and were right to go your own way. Up till now my H has been a great guy and I have been proud to be his wife so I'm still looking for the great guy he once was to return. One day I might have to accept he is gone forever but for now I'm still hoping.

Of course money can't buy happiness but happiness equally doesn't buy money and having it is always better than not and if you can have both that's great.
Hopefully you may have the happiness/ closure/peace of mind now and although she has the money will she ever be truly happy? Clearly having money hasn't made her a very nice person you're much better off without her especially if you really are a God.
Is the Ginger thing hair or biscuits. I was going to say nuts, but thought that might provoke a rude answer unsuitable for such a saintly site!
Cx

Its ok C I didnt take it that way!
Yes a wee bit more money would help...say a quarter of a million!
I have ginger hair as do my kids. The Ginger God thing is a name i took from a football coach at Hearts, Peter Houston who was also called Ginger God..well my mates gave me the name...I am no God by the way.
I know Im better off without her but breakup does have a profound effect on future relationships because nothing seems to measure up to the past and its really strange.

God
x

[Ginger God]

Dear Julia, out of the blue and Graham

I want my H back because my feelings haven't died overnight and I didn't ask for any of this to happen. I still love him and always will. He is the father of my beautiful children and I spent 17 yrs blissfully happy (maybe ignorant), but either way I was (or believed I was) happily married. I am not saying it was perfect after 17 yrs no marriage is (is it?), we had our ups and downs, but I thought it was worth fighting for! I want my children to have a full-time father. I want the happy times back. I miss the companionship and the way we knew eachother so well. I knew him inside out ( but I guess not well enough to know he was having an affair). I know deep down he is no longer the man I married and that hurts like hell. I can't describe the pain of knowing he doesn't love me like I love him. But I do know that I have fought so hard to save what we had, and nobody will ever be able to say that I didn't try. I have done everything in my power to win him back and unfortunatley haven't succeeded. In my heart I know my H wont come back, to much water has passed under the bridge. My family hate him, his family have not spoken to me since the day his affair came out (they took his and OWs side), so a relationship with him now would be against all odds. It kills me to admit that and I am sobbing as I write this. I love my H and always will I just wish to god he felt the same.

xx
Oh Claudia..I really feel for you because I know the place you are in and it stinks. I idolised my wife why I dont know but believe me it does get better. I neither miss her nor want her back, its two years on Tuesday since it effectively ended.
Dont wish..dont plead..you need to ride this one out..if its not already started get to a lawyer and sort everything out..the perverse thing about that is that if there is any remote chance he wants you back..this might make him see sense...but I wouldnt bank on it.
My e mail is grahamburnett@yahoo.co.uk if you want to ask anything that you dont want to on here.
Its after 12 I need to get some sleep as I get the kids tomorrow for 4 days..how life has changed.

Graham
x

[julia.37]

I can completely understand what you are all feeling and the pain is so strong it huts like hell. I am praying my H is going through a MLC but what can I do to win him back? Please help. x

[claudia.35]

Julia,

I don't think you can do anything to 'win' your h back. He chose to leave, so it will be his choice to come back (I so hope for your sake he does!). By all means tell him you want him back and you can work things out. I wrote endless letters telling my H how I felt, but to no avail my H didn't reply to any! All you can do is ride this one out. Like I said you have to try and get on with your life and hope they will see sense. But experience has told me (friends and this site) that it can sometimes be a very long wait,so you can't put your life on hold. Some Hs come back and marriages can be stronger than ever and i hope that this happens. I am a gr8 believer in everything happens for a reason. It may suck now, but in time, there maybe someone even better round the corner for us all and we will look back on our marriages and say my god, was that really love! Who knows what our futures hold for us all, and for me that was one of the hardest things to deal with as I no longer knew my future as it wasn't with my H.

My H is now living with my so called friend and like yours play 'happy families' with my children. He has moved on, has a new life. Nothing I say or do will make him change his mind. He has to do that on his own. In the meantime I have to pick up the pieces, keep my dignity and strength and do my best to get on with my life.

What does your gut tell you to do? Has your H and OW stayed local? Is he living with her? Are they planning a future? I am in the throws of trying to decide whether to move away or not, my friends beg me not to as it will be like they have one! I tell them it's not about winning or losing, it's about making a horrid situation more bearable for me. The kids seem ok, they knew the OW and like her children. It's hard for us, but you have to take comfort in the fact she will look after your children! I don't know what to do for the best as if i move it will be for me, not the kids. But the kids need a strong mummy to look after them and I deserve happiness too!

Julia, take each day at a time. Don't look too far ahead. Each day will throw new hurdles at you and over time they will get easier to jump! I will help you anyway I can. How long has it been for you? How old are you, your children and your H? My H is 36 (standard MLC age it seems), my kids are 6 and 3!)

write soon xx


P.S graham and out of the blue take care and I will email you graham xx

[julia.37]

Hi Claudia. Yes my H and the OW are living together now still local. I too have thought about moving away but why should I?! We have lived in the same area for over 20 years now and my children who are 9,7 and 4 love the school they go to. I cannot stand the thought of moving away from my friends and family and take the children to an area they don't know and starting at a new school. Why should they suffer when it is their dad who has caused all this pain in the first place.
I appreciate that we have to wait and that we can't win them back but you have said in a previous message that you have tried everything to win your H back. What have you done? I Have tried being angry, nice dressing up when I know he is coming to see the children, but he doesn't take any notice of me at all. Again I have thought about writing letters but can't bring myself to put pen to paper. I am nearly 40 now and can't seem to string a sentence together!
I know I am going to go backwards again today though as H is coming round to pick the children up to spend the week end with OW and her 2 children. You are right though Claudia at least we know that our children are being looked after properly, but does that make it any easier?
Take Care write soon. xx

[Ginger God]

Julia...I may have missed something..but was your best friend single with kids or was she married with kids.
If its the latter is her other half not involved in this as well.

Graham

[tara44]

Hi again. I'm really saddened to read some of these comments on this thread. If any of us had been in a good marriage these men wouldn't have drifted. Men aren't as stupid as you all seem to be making them out to be. Maybe we fooled ourselves into thinking all was well, but did any of us stop and really think about it? Did we make the most of every day with our man? Did we treat him as well as we could every day? Did we really have that much in common, apart from the children? Hasn't he done you a favour? You all have the rest of your lives to move on and meet the right man. I am in the early stages of a new relationship and I can honestly say, I have never felt like this before. Even when I started seeing my ex and I thought that was perfect, the feelings I have now are in a league of their own. This gives me the insight to see that what I thought was a great marriage was more convenience and habit than true love.
Claudia, if your children are at the same school as the ow's, then for the children's sake you just have to get on with it. You don't need to talk to the ow, but making a scene or saying anything will surely affect the children - yours and hers. At the end of the day the children don't need to know anything of the animosity between you. It sounds as though the children all get on which is fantastic and should be encouraged, for their sakes. If they like the ow, that can only be a positive too. You are their Mum and always will be, they know that. But to have another woman on the scene who they like and who is good to them and who can take the pressure off you by looking after them with your h is something I have only experienced in the last year (his second dalliance!) and is actually a Godsend. The children love me and know I'm Mum, but they like the ow too - doesn't mean I have to!
T
x

[julia.37]

Hi Ginger God and Tara
The OW was married and left her H for my H. I have seen him once but true to style he seems to be getting on with his life already!
Tara it is really great you understand the pain and perhaps you are the proof that life really can move on and get better. I just long for that day. My friends tell me that time is a great healer and I suppose we just have to wait for that day to come. xx

[Ginger God]

Hi again. I'm really saddened to read some of these comments on this thread. If any of us had been in a good marriage these men wouldn't have drifted. Men aren't as stupid as you all seem to be making them out to be. Maybe we fooled ourselves into thinking all was well, but did any of us stop and really think about it? Did we make the most of every day with our man? Did we treat him as well as we could every day? Did we really have that much in common, apart from the children? Hasn't he done you a favour? You all have the rest of your lives to move on and meet the right man. I am in the early stages of a new relationship and I can honestly say, I have never felt like this before. Even when I started seeing my ex and I thought that was perfect, the feelings I have now are in a league of their own. This gives me the insight to see that what I thought was a great marriage was more convenience and habit than true love.
Claudia, if your children are at the same school as the ow's, then for the children's sake you just have to get on with it. You don't need to talk to the ow, but making a scene or saying anything will surely affect the children - yours and hers. At the end of the day the children don't need to know anything of the animosity between you. It sounds as though the children all get on which is fantastic and should be encouraged, for their sakes. If they like the ow, that can only be a positive too. You are their Mum and always will be, they know that. But to have another woman on the scene who they like and who is good to them and who can take the pressure off you by looking after them with your h is something I have only experienced in the last year (his second dalliance!) and is actually a Godsend. The children love me and know I'm Mum, but they like the ow too - doesn't mean I have to!
T
x

Tara.....

In 14 years I never did a thing wrong...never cheated..never looked ata nother girl..treated my wife like a Princess..nothing to do with money because i didnt have much..but she still cheated on me. So perhaps your view is a wee bit flawed because some people simply cheat because they are bored.
However..you mention the word convenience it brings back memories of what my lawyer said about me being in a comfortable marriage..but I will tell you what I bust a gut to fix it and she wasnt interested so I can hold my head up.

Graham

[claudia.35]

Hi tara, & Julia

Like I have said in previous threads, my marriage wasn't perfect, but what marriage is? We had our ups & downs but is that any excuse for my H to walk out on everything we had, not even try and leave me for a friend! To me that is and ultimate betrayal. I trusted them both beyond belief and they used that to their advantage!

Tara I would love for my daughter to stay at her school, she loves it and is very happy there. But I cannot tell you how I feel every day knowing I have to stand next to the OW. Yes I don't have to speak to her, but it takes every ounce of strength not to flatten the *****!!! I feel physically sick every day and words cannot express how anxious I am just at the thought of seeing her. I look at her and think why did he leave me for her? Like a lot of the people say on here, she is not attractive, feminine, she is everything my H supposedly doesn't like! I am not saying I am gorgeous by any means, but it hurts to know he left me for her!
The other thing Tara is I don't want my children growing up with no morals, I don't want them thinking its acceptable to do what their father has done. He has moved into the OWs home, her H moved out on Sunday, my H moved in on the Tues. I personally think that is sick as what example is that setting to her children! I am coping the best way I know how, all this has made me ill, I am still off work! My children deserve a happy, healthy mummy and if the situation is unbearable what am I supposed to do? I cannot move on seeing her everyday it is intolerable. So should I just 'get on with it' if it makes me so ill?

[tara44]

Claudia, I'm sorry you are still struggling with this situation so much, it must be awful, I know. But for your children's sake, you need to try with everything you have to carry on. Your h has gone and made a life with OW. Let them get on with it. Like you said before, this is your opportunity to regain your independence and do what you want. Remember who you were before you got together with your h. If you did move away, you could still stay fairly local so you still have your support system around you and are near your friends, but you'd be far enough away to keep a distance from the OW. That doesn't mean they've 'won', it means you are taking control of your life and making your own decisions. You said your oldest is 6, at that age they adapt so well to new situations and I'm sure they'd get on fine at a new school, mine did. I hyped it up to them about it being a new adventure but reassured them that their Dad still loved them very much and was still very much be a part of their life. As for the moral side of things, that is for them to decide when they are older and can talk to you both as adults. By you moving on and/or moving away it doesn't condone morally what your h has done. Its a sign that their Mummy has emotionally moved on and gained control of her life. The moral issue in the children's minds comes a long way down the track and is for them to form their own opinions on. I'm sorry if this sounds like I'm preaching, but I just know what I've been through and I want to help you in any way I can.
T
x

[julia.37]

Hi I haven't been in touch for a while as life has been very difficult for me the past few days. After having read Tara's comments I do understand where she is coming from, but Claudia it must be so difficult for you having to face the OW every day. I think you are very brave it must be awful for you. I have seen my H and the OW out a few times and I can't tell you how it makes me feel. The last time I saw them they were shopping and that was something that brought this whole situation to a new level as there they were without a care in the world going about every day chores as if they had been doing it for years! Why are we left to pick up the pieces and they can just get on with life without a second glance back. I don't understand. xx

[outoftheblue]

Julia, I'm with you there. How do they live with the guilt? I mean even if they are totally happy with what they are doing surely they must still have some guilt over the lives they've destroyed in the process.

I hope one day they will realise and hopefully be filled with remorse.

Cxx

[julia.37]

Hi outoftheblue. Do you really think they do feel guilty though? Or do you think they are so wrapped up in themselves they can't see what they have done? We are the ones left behind to pick up the pieces and build our lives again xx

[outoftheblue]

I don't know cos true guilt would cripple them. I think they are wrapped up in themselves and yes busy getting on with their new lives. Maybe they stay busy to avoid having time to think and reflect on what hurt they've caused.

I know I couldn't do it, but I have a conscience maybe they just don't listen to theirs.

I do believe that one day they will get their come uppance but maybe not in this life....

It sucks being the one's left behind still thinking about them and caring about them when they don't deserve our time. I wish I could turn off my feelings and move on.
Cxx

[julia.37]

Hi everyone who was kind enough to post a reply on this thread. Just wondered how you were all getting on? Life has been pretty miserable lately. My H has filed for divorce and coping with 3 children who seem to get very angry very quickly these days, isn't easy. Why doesn't it get any easier? H seems to have settled in very nicely with the OW and instead of my feelings fading for him they seem to be getting stronger. Is it because we all want what we can't have I wonder? x

[jools]

No. It's because you still love him. Whatever that means. That's not meant to sound cynical - it's a genuine thought. People so often use that word ( not referring to you here) - but seem incapable of backing it up with any real commitment (like your H). Thank God for dear old biology - which means that our brains - with or without our permission- eventually reprogram themselves to get over these absent spouses and take us out of the areas of pain. Even without counselling or your efforts, you will eventually get over him. I know because my brain's been kind enough to reprogram itself over the past 18 months.

Don't get me wrong - when I fall for the next "Mr Right" I'll be right back in there with the old romance and butterflies cos that's what's gives life its flavour. I won't even be looking for logic and science then cos I won't need it - but when things are going wrong - thank God for biology!
Jools X
________
Montana Medical Marijuana Dispensary (http://montana.dispensaries.org/)