My wife has had an affair

[spacedmonkeys]

Hi
I would like some help if possible.
First some history. My wife of 4 months lost her mom and best friend in january this year. She has steadily drifted downhill since then. We married in May, to me, the happiest proudest day of my life. I thought the same for her.
She has become terribly depressed since her mom died and Ive not known how to help her. Numerous time she said she felt numb, ill, shes lost 2 stone in weight, and shes broken down a few times admitting she wanted to kill herself. About 9 weeks so ago, she broke down again, and this time she said she thought she did not love me any more. I took this hard and I guess assumed it was part of the depression and she did not really know what she felt.
I guess I backed off a little and hoped that her grief and depression would heal itself. It has not. She moved out for two weeks to stay with an aunt. During that time I booked marriage councelling. On our first proper session, we discussed various issues between us, the normal things, lack of communication, lack of excitement... However the trained counceller stopped concentrating on us, and spent the rest of the session concentrating on my wife. She could see she was depressed, and said there was nothing she could help with the relationship until my wife got herself to the doctors and on to antidepressants. She started these last week. The docs said she was suffering from severe depression.
However I started noticing further changes in behaviour. She started "staying at a friends house". Now let me tell you I have always trusted her 100% implicitly, there have never been any doubts, and had no reason to doubt her here. One night I caught her chatting to a guy on the internet. My suspicions were raised further when she was sitting in her car for a while before coming to the house. I could see her sending sms messages. So this week Thursday I stupidly looked through her purse. What I found was a secret phone, with a list of guys numbers. I challenged her and she lied, saying it was a phone that she found and was going to sell. She stayed out that night, at a friends house again supposedly. The next morning I challenged her and left work early to go home to ask her what was going on. It turns out shes been seeing a guy for 6 weeks. She stayed at his house. Lied to me about where she was. And shes slept with this guy.
Yesterday I was angry, confused, upset. I was physically sick. I hardly slept a wink last night and again was physically sick this morning. Ive asked her why, she doesnt really know. She just doesnt know why she did it. She even says it hasnt made her happy. Only that he made her feel special. However I feel my trust is betrayed. I still love her and care for her immensely and Ive told her this. I dont think, with the depression, that she is in any fit state to be making any decisions right now about us. My heart says I want to be with her still, and all I want to do is love her and hold her and help her through this. But I feel sickened that she has been intimate with another guy. I dont know what to do.

[AnnieP]

What a terrible place to find yourself. I am so sorry spacedmonkeys. You are absolutely right, that she is in no fit state to make any decisions right now. Is she going to get help with her depression, more than just the medication from the doctors? It sounds like she needs bereavement councelling. Does she have a job which she is managing to maintain, or has she taken time away from work?
I am also aware that for you this is a relatively new marriage. It seems you have had a terrible start with the deaths having happened, and only two months of fidelity?
I think she is probably right when she says she has no idea why she had the affairs. This however, makes it no easier to come to terms with.
You probably are not in any situation to be of any help to your wife right now. You need to try to withdraw a little and think of keeping yourself well.
Best wishes to you, and keep posting. we all know how you are feeling.
xx

[Topsy47]

Hi Spacedmonkeys

My heart goes out to you, so much has happened in such a short space of time.

My husband left me about 2mths ago - his mum died about 10mths ago and he never grieved properly and I feel many of his reasons for leaving all stem from this and that he is also feeling depressed. I think part of his reason for leaving is that the grief/unhappiness he is feeling has made him look at his life and think that is unhappy so he has to do something drastic to change it.

Maybe your wife has done something similar - but its not surprising that this affair has done nothing to make her happy as she is not dealing with the real issue.

If you feel this is totally out of character for her and if you are both prepared to work at things, then I sincerely hope that you can sort this out. Grief can do terrible things to people but with the right help and support then hopefully you two can get back on track - it won't be easy but you may still have a chance to be happy.

Good luck
Topsy

[spacedmonkeys]

Hi
One thing I didnt say is that we've been together almost 8 years now. And shes said shes never thought of doing anything like this before. Shes dumped the other bloke. Cut up the sim card. Given me the phone.
Yesterday after coming here, she came home from her horse, and was going to leave. I sat her down and told her how i felt. Howe I was willing to forgive, but its going to be hard to forget. Told her how much shes hurt me. But that I was willing to look at what went wrong and how, and make things right in future.
She said that made her mind up not to throw everything away and that she will stay and wants to make things right.
Her head is still a mess. The depression makes her like this. Its another couple of weeks before the pills will start to work at all for her hopefully then she will begin to think more clearly.
She says she does not know why she did what she did, shes extremely sorry and says it is inexcusable. She feels like it was not her that did this, she feels detatched as if it was someone else.
Obviously I am still hurting. Yesterday was particularly bad I kept bursting in to tears.
Hope Ive made the right choice and eventually we will become happy together again.
We have councelling on thursday night, but what disappoints me is that she came to the last two sessions with me, knowing that she was lying and cheating on me.

[Lauz]

It's positive that your wife is going to counseling with you and recognizes she has depression and what she did was wrong and willing to give your marriage a chance. And also that she has "dumped" the OM. There are plenty of people out there still fighting these battles with their partners.

I too went through what you are going through. And I don't regret my decision to forgive for one moment. My h has issues which he is addressing in IC, and I attend the sessions with him every now and again. I think he was at a very low point in his life early this year when all this happened and having an affair was certainly not the answer. He knows he needs to be happy in himself to be happy, that NO ONE else is going to make him happy. We talk a lot, open up to one another more and as time passes the healing process helps soothe the pain and anger.

All I can say is that if you love this woman and can see she wants to reconcile, then go with your gut instinct. It's hard work and you'll go through a roller coaster of emotions from sadness, anger, frustration and back, but it's all worth it in the end because the marriage will be stronger for what the both of you have gone through.

[spacedmonkeys]

Well today has been hard. A head full of images, what was she doing, who was he, was he better than me, why all the lies, lots of hate for this other man who no doubt took advantage of a depressed, married, woman... Lots of sadness for me "leaving her to be alone" when I thought she needed to be, giving her space when I thought she needed it... Anger for her abusing my trust. Dissapointment and uncertainty that, when she does get through the depression, she still may decide that this life we've built is not what she wants any more.
A worry at the back of my head that I'm 35, and had planned to start a family soon, if I have to start all over again, will i be too old?
Questions too, that had I stepped in sooner, made her go to the doctors, get the depression diagnosed, that maybe all this wouldnt have happened.
Lots and lots of mixed emotions and confused images in my head, some not very nice, some of a hopeful and happy future.

[spacedmonkeys]

Could you guys give me some guidance on how you dealt with the following:

-images in your head of your partner with someone else
-imagining the other party being a better lover
-running over and over in your head the lies that your partner told
-lack of sleep, waking in the night with a head full of visuals

I'm having problems dealing with the above :(

[DB100]

Hi Spaced

I was in exactly the same position as you, found out wife had affair for 6 months on Mya 12th this year, she stopped all contact and we are workin through it, very very hard to do, let me tell you but we both want to be together. Re your questions, it rang true with me

Images - Will get better over time, I tried to think of the good times we had together, it wont stop them totally but it will help

Better Lover - A big worry with me too, again it will get better over time

Over and Over - Exactly the same as me and I still question her, the deceit is terrible to deal with and in my case I tried to forget about and start a new chapter in my life. It helped that my wife was truly remorseful and as upset as I was about what she had done.

Lack of sleep - I didnt sleep properly for 2 months and still wake up with the occasional image. I deliberately didnt want to go to the doc and go on tabs, the sleep will get better but it will take time.

Its a cliche but time will heal, trust me I have been there

[outoftheblue]

I am in the same position in reverse. All the things your wife has said about not recognising herself etc have been said by my H. He has been seduced by OW who I think took advantage of him in the same way as OM did with your wife.

I too get horrid images of them together and although I can forgive my H because I love him with all my heart I don't know if I will be able to deal with those 'am I good enough' issues if he ever does come home. Sadly he is still with her at the mo but I can't believe that he can be truly happy with her when we were both very happy for 20 years. I think being with her is part of his depression/MLC and once he comes through this he will want to have nothing to do with her.

My strength, if you like, is that I know this is out of character for him and he, like your wife, has said 'this is not me' and 'I don't know who I am' so I am trying to make myself believe that it isn't my husband with her and the man I married will reappear and make me happy again.

Yes I might be living in cuckoo land, but I have to keep my faith in him for now, because I love him and who he used to be. I hope for now you can do the same for your wife.

[Lauz]

I agree with DB100 - time will heal. I read the Divorce Remedy and whenever I had images in my head, I envisaged a big red stop sign. Sooner or later my brain learnt to stop thinking about it. I do think about it every now and again (about 9 months on), but not as before.

I never worried about the OW being a better lover as I dont like her a person and am certainly nothing like her, nor do I want to be. I told my h if that was the type of woman he wanted to be with, she was welcome to him!

[spacedmonkeys]

Thankyou for the advice guys, however I am sitting here in tears writing this, had a terrible day. Had to go in to the centre of birmingham for my work, and I just kept looking around at everyone, expecting to see her somewhere in the crowds, or looking at guys thinking, was he like him? or him? Im just sitting here crying thinking about how she could of at all times put a stop to it, stopped it after the first dates, a couple of dates, stopped it before any kissing, stopped it before sleeping with him. But she made those choices not to and I'm really finding it hard to understand how she could do that to me.:(:(:(
Last night was ok, we sat and talked and laughed and giggled, had an ok evening. In front of her, im trying my hardest to be the man she always loved, in the hope that she'll get through this depression and realise she has a husband who adores her and all that I want is to see her through her lowest times.
Thankyou people for your kind words and support.

[outoftheblue]

I soo know how you feel. You seem to be like me just trying to be the best person you can to get them to try and remember what life used to be like. My H seems to want my love and friendship and to keep his home/garden/son going while he is with her deciding which one he wants. I've given him a happy marriage for 20 years supported him in everything he has ever chosen to do whether I liked it or not, and repays me by leaving and living with her. I too look round at other couples and wonder how standing by my man and being a loyal and loving wife(who apparently has done nothing whatsoever wrong) just gets dumped. What has she got that has made him forget the decent man he used to be

I am crying today too as it seems the nicer I am to him the more he thinks he can have his cake and eat it. I've tried all my life to be a good person and do unto others etc. but it doesn't seem to work in reverse. I lost my job today too which is a direct consequence of my H's ****ty behaviour towards me and feel thoroughly miserable.

Sorry this probably isn't going to help you in any way, other than knowing I'm sharing your terrible day with one of my own.

Chin up
Cxx

[spacedmonkeys]

Well. An update on this. After a painful few months, with many many ups and downs. A few times shes called me in tears saying she thinks she wants to leave. We've sat down and talked, hugged, kissed, held each other. She said last week the affair was the most stupid thing shes ever done and asked for my forgiveness. All I wanted to do was help and Ive tried being myself, the best possible i could be, giving her all the support and love she needs through her depression. Yet friday she announced she had made a decision, could not stop thinking about this guy, and was going to live with him. She moved most of her stuff out saturday and Ive had a dreadful few days. Ive finally today had a day where i havent cried all day, just a few tears today! I cant help feeling she shouldve gone somewhere neutral, got some help with clearing her head, before making such a decision. Im getting txt's from her so shes worried about me, said she misses me, its strange not being at home, shes had an awful few days too and feels like **** and is very sorry..... I have yet to hear "yes i made the right choice and im much happier now"...... When she was leaving i asked was it really what she wanted and she replied "not entirely". She broke down in tears as i hugged her as she went out the door, i said she didnt have to go, but she said she'd got to do it. She phoned me on her way to his and i said its not too late, turn the car around and come home. But again she said she cant, and shes got to do this.
Part of me thinks i have to let her go, and see for herself what a mistake shes making, and just be here for her until she realises, or she gets psychiatric help with her depression, but shes convinced it was the relationship that was the problem not her illness. I am not banking on her coming back, and dont really know if i could live with her again knowing what shes done. But I cant help but hope. In the meantime I am trying to get on with my life and try to be strong but its so hard, i cant help thinking, until the last year, the previous 7 were great, we both knew we were made for each other, and had many many good times. I just long for those days to come back. I am convinced whats happened is because of the loss of her mom back in january, and the reactive depression that caused. She said it made her question everything and realise that lifes too short, if you arent 100% happy then you have to do something about it.
Just unfortunate that she cant see that we were happy.
I want to pick up the pieces and move on, but its early days, and I find myself thinking i will never meet someone so special again.

[readynow]

I really feel for you. The same thing happened to me. You just have to love the "I have to do this". Meaning, I have to go on for a new pleasure, give everything we could ever be to someone else who wasn't there through our times of sacrifice, and leave your life in ruins while I drive away. It can be mentally crippling to think that they didn't even take time alone to think about what is happening. OH NO. They just shift from one relationship to another with no consideration for the utter loneliness and confusion that they will leave you in. Some people just don't have enough heart to think about how their actions may utterly destroy another persons life. This is even more damaging knowing that this is the person who promised to walk this life with you through thick and thin. I know it's a complex situation and I know we are partially to blame (neglect, communication). At the same time, if someone chooses to slip out into another relationship rather than taking just a small amount of that energy to have EVEN JUST ONE conversation with you first about how they think your relationship is in danger... well then, you really have to ask yourself about the nature of that person.

I know it hurts. I love my wayward wife more than anything in the world just like you do yours. I have found NO WAY to make it through and have lost everything. But after 8months it has dawned on me that although I can see what set the stage for this situation to happen. No matter how special they are to you, you have to ask yourself, what kind of person would bring this terrible situation into the life of someone who has promised their life to them. Ultimately, it truly is a very selfish person. Yes, you know them to be so loving and giving. Yes, all of that is true. BUT ULTIMATELY, this person has put their pleasures completely before any pain they may hurl you into. Maybe if you think of it in that way and not as "your wife", it may be easier to get on. Again, think about that, this person didn't even take the SECONDS to tell you something in advanced that could save you from DECADES of trauma because this makes them happy now. Everything you gave her of you time and love isn't worth even a chance?

Maybe, that isn't someone to cling to. As painful as it is to hear (at least it is for me), the person you love is no more, this is some other bizarre pain inflicting SELFISH creature who happens to look just like the woman you love. Honestly. Would you ever do something like this to them? You probably wouldn't wish something like this on your WORST enemy! Then ask yourself why you wouldn't. Then realize this person has done just that to you. After all the laughter, love making, dancing, movies, dinners, weddings, funeral, walks home, dream sharing... ULTIMATELY this selfish person is who this person really is because at the end of the day, this is what they've done. This is a marriage. Don't you want to have happiness too? Don't you want WILD INTIMACY too? That someone is unwilling to trying to find this again with someone they have married, that is a very bizarre thing that I will never understand.

We can only hope and move on. As for worrying about starting over at your age. I hear you. When I get scared of those things, I like to think in extremes. Meaning, if I was eighty years old, I'd probably kill for the chance to be 33 again. I then try to move from there. I don't know if that helps but at times like these... any harbor in a storm right!

[tiff1976]

I really feel for you.
I married in July this year and I have found out similar things, with supposed 'friends' and a secret phone, and more.......
I was and am totally heart-broken and distraught...