I think my wife is having an affair

[SteveC]

I have been married for 5 years, and have 2 lovely children (2 & 5). Recently I have noticed changes in my wifes behaviour, and started looking at her text messages (without her knowing). I was horrified what I found. Messages from various blokes, talking about meeting up, cant wait to see you again, goodnight gorgous, etc....etc....
My Wife and I are reasonably close, have a good sex life, but like most couples with kids, dont get much time to spend with each other.
I guess she has met these blokes through work, and sees them in her lunch hour, after work etc. Possibly more of an emotional affair, as I'm not sure how she would get time to do anything else. She's either with me all weekend, with the kids, or at work. (she works part time).
So, I'm wondering what course of action should I take. - Do nothing, but just monitor the situation, or let on that I know and have it out with her ? - If I let on that I know, she will probably just deny it all, and never let me look at her phone again...

[Annie2]

Hi Steve,
I'm so sorry you are in this situation. It must have been such a shock for you to discover those messages. By the sounds of it you did well to suspect something based on her behaviour.
I never suspected my H was having an affair...I knew he was different but he blamed me whenever I asked and then reassured me all was well. It wasn't until he actually told me that I found out. Looking back if I'd suspected and checked his phone I think I would be like you and need the ultimate proof. Do you think you have the strength to suggest that the pair of you spend time together...ie you arrange a babysitter, take her out and see how that goes? I did this, I cooked a candlelit meal etc and it was a disaster, my H couldn't speak to me, sweated throughout the whole ordeal..looking back I now know why.
I guess only you can decide how to handle this, you know your wife best. You have every right to be upset and hurt by what you have already discovered. Those messages are not harmless, innocent messages between friends.
Please keep posting and let us know how you get on.
Sorry I'm not much use at good advice,
take care,
Anne2

[SteveC]

Hi Anne, thanks for your reply.
My wife and I do have reasonably regular enjoyable times together, which is why I'm surprised at the situation I find myself in. However, she does have a history of being unfaithful in previous relationships, and has always reassured me that she wont do it again. I guess she has not been able to sop herself. Leopards dont change their spots etc..
I think ideally what she wants is me at home to play happy families with, and then other blokes on the side available to give her extra attention when she wants it...
Not a situation I feel particularly happy with, and not one I could put up with for very long....

[Annie2]

Hi Steve,
You know having read and heard so many stories about spouses having affairs its seems there is nothing cliche. I mean, spending time, feeling that all is well etc it will always take the receiver by surprise. I know that my marriage was far from perfect but my mind was set on up and downs. I felt we had a good sex life, felt all was and could be ok. There didn't seem room for someone else to invade either. No long absences etc by my H. What I'm trying to say is please, please don't go down the self-blame or the self-evaluation road. This is NOT about you this is your wife's behaviour and her choices. No one passes through life without choice and we all make them. End of story. If she has been unhappy with her lot then she should have spoken to you first.
Ok I'm rambling and you're not sure whether anything has actually happened so I'll stop.
I wish I knew what to say to you to help. All I can say is that I know how bloody hard it is to get your head around it. You can't make decisions or work out what to do because I guarantee you will change your mind faster than you can blink. I reckon communication is the only way, even if it's a one way thing. If you can tell her what you found, what you fear and what you want then it's out in the open. The rest is up to her. You can't do it all by yourself. You need to let her explain herself and decide how you feel about that. I thought I could deal with it but my H never really changed his behaviour so it didn't work for me. You may start to think about things that you need to change in your marriage and things about your wife that need to change (ie more time and committment or communication) if they don't, then she's not serious or she just can't. Only then can you start to see what your future will be. All I can say is it's worth seeing what may happen rather than deciding now its all over.
Not sure that will make any sense to you right now. I hope others will contribute and offer better advice,
take care
Annie (not Anne..just bad a typing!)

[jools]

Messages from various blokes, talking about meeting up, cant wait to see you again, goodnight gorgous, etc....etc.... "Various" blokes! That's the bit I don't get. This doesn't sound like the usual affair situation. "Various" suggests she has some sort of problem. Is she promiscuous? Most of us, single or otherwise, tend to go for one at a time.
Jools
________
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[SteveC]

Hi Jools, yes valid point. When I read my wifes text messages, i just spotted that there were some from various different blokes, but it is quite likely most are just friends. One in particular was definately more than that. I think my wife likes male attention, and then does'nt know when to stop....

[outoftheblue]

Hi Steve,
I think txting is a modern phenomena which probably causes more problems than it solves. It's so easy to send a txt, flirt, talk, dirty etc without there being any commitment or feeling behind it.
I'm sure if mobiles had been around when I was a teenager I would have had far more courage to txt blokes. To test the water and have a bit of harmless fun. It was much much harder to have to say something face to face with the object of my affections as I faced ridicule and humiliation if they didn't feel the same. So more often than not I worshipped from afar and someone bolder stepped in and took the prize.
What I'm trying to say is txting is easy, faceless, painless and non-commital and maybe your wife is just enjoying an ego boost from some male colleagues. You say she used to be unfaithful before marriage and it maybe she feels the need for some sparkle to lighten her days. Now she is married, works part time and is looking after two young children maybe she feels flattered if colleagues pay her attention.
She may have no intention of letting it go any further, but you do need to step in somehow now to stop things before they get out of hand. Office affairs do seem very popular and she might get carried away before she realises how deep she is and what she could do to her marriage and her children.

I'm not really sure of the best way to approach her, maybe a letter or even some sexy txts of your own. You need to find a way of providing the frission (not sure if that's the right word - is that a type of cow? No that's a Fresian - Oh well whatever I hope you know what I mean) that she gets from these other txts.

I think you're right to be concerned and right to step in now, but do it in a way where she doesn't fell threatened or she will clam up.

Good luck
Cxx