Communication...again

[kaye09]

ok, Im starting to feel a bit cheeky posting up here for advice when I haven't answered anyone else, but in all honesty I don't think Im in a position to give advice on marriage at the moment. lol

Last night, out of the blue I got a 'F** you' from H because I was going to stay up for 20mins to finish watching something on the telly. Then later, when he asked me why I was upset, I just blamed it on being tired. Why couldn't I just SAY, "I didn't deserve that".

I am my own worst enemy at the moment. Im finding the whole thing confusing as two days ago he came out with "Thank you for not leaving me and giving me the opportunity to address things, a lot of people would have just walked". I reassured him that I meant what I said on our wedding day and it has to be worth making the effort for both our sakes. How we got from that to 'F*** you' in 48 hours I have no idea. We hadn't had any other arguments or disagreements.

Communication? I suggested him reading a book that Ive been ploughing through. He just laughed at me. I know he says he wants to address our issues, but it seems he wants to split them up, him deal with the bits he wants to and leave the rest to me. I don't think thats going to work :o(

xx

[deadletteroffice]

No, you can't do it on your own - but there are ways to draw him into communicating better. That 'We Can Work It Out' book is good. That said it took my wife leaving before I woke up properly. Now living seperately but working on it.....

He maybe said that because he feels you are being distant or cleverer than him, or more righteous than him - and he resents that - perhaps feels that you have answers and he doesn't. Also, I seem to recall you had an issue with lack of physical affection from him. If he made a forward step - thanking you for not leaving, that's good, but if you have an issue with physical affection and he is going to bed and you say you'll be up later, in a simple, male insecure sort of way, that may come across as reversal / rejection of offer of affection and make him feel defensive / aggressive.

Might be wrong, but just a thought....

[kaye09]

I see what you mean about the reversal thing. Last night I caved in and went to bed, and got ignored. He just doesn't like touching me/me touching him. Even if its just the edge of my finger against his leg he snaps and moves further away. Im welling up just thinking about it.

I used to go to bed before him. He'd comment that I automatically gave him a cuddle when he got in next to me, even though I am asleep, and he loved it.

I just don't know how we've got to this. I have been reading 'we can work it out' and alot of it makes sense/is familiar. I know its not all his fault. Ive been happy to let things slide and it has accumulated. Now I cant seem to find a way of reaching him.

He'll ask me to do things that don't make sense at all, then when Im vague about the details he'll just get impatient. The only way I can stop that escalating is to say 'Im sorry, I just didn't understand you. Could you explain it again"

The last one was wiping the inside of my misty car windscreen with my hand, which I didn't want to do for obvious reasons.I said to wait for the heater to warm up and it'd clear. H said, "Kaye, humour me. Just one line from top to bottom".. When I did it I left it about two inches short at the bottom and he made me finish it off. All of this with attitude, and in front of one of our friends who looked just as confused as I was.

To be honest, if all I was concerned with was being happy...now...I'd have to leave. There has to be some connection to him there somewhere...some way through. There used to be. Its just a matter of finding it, but in the mean time this whole thing is eroding my feelings for him. :(

[deadletteroffice]

I can see why - very hard. I expect if you left it would suddenly click through to him how bad things are - blokes are slow to realise. I was sh*te! Understand now though. Just a thought - desperate times, desperate measures....?

[kaye09]

Its a good idea though. I'd feel so nervous and worried about doing it. Mainly because I don't know whether he'd understand my reasons.

How can you say you love someone and reassure them that you want to make it work... by being away from them?

I totally understand how it could be a real option - in fact I have to admit it is crossing my mind more and more - but I am scared that he'll just think 'Right, stuff you then'

Aaarghh.

When did it all get so complicated?

[IcingOnTheMoon]

How can you say you love someone and reassure them that you want to make it work... by being away from them?

I totally understand how it could be a real option - in fact I have to admit it is crossing my mind more and more - but I am scared that he'll just think 'Right, stuff you then'

Hi Kaye,
If you were to leave, I think it would be a "tough love" type of thing. Yes, he probably would say "stuff you then" but that's a natural, first defense reaction. Best case, he would be peeved at first and then realize what he's losing and REALLY start working on the stuff he said he would.

Worst case, you leave, and it's over. I guess you have to be prepared for either reaction, and also any one in between.

I'm so sorry you're going through this!