Need help to move on

[Unregistered]

This is my first time asking a group for help. I'm a little nervous but need to ask someone's advice. Here's my situtation.... my husband and I have been married about 1 1/2 yrs. In the spring we began talking about having children and investigating our options (during his first marriage, he had a vasectomy). The early part of July we scheduled his vasectomy reversal to be done in September. A week after we came home from the reversal surgery, he told me that in mid-June and early July he had investigated his sexuality. He said that he went to online groups for information and eventually met a man for drinks to discuss his curiousity in bisexual relationships. He says now that his interest is very small and is only in performing orally on a man but that the marriage is more important and so he will not pursue these interests. Since then we've talked about it a lot and been seeing a counselor. I am having the worst time getting over this! In our conversations, I've found many things that don't match up with what he's said - I'm just not sure he's been honest with me. He says he never did anything physically with anyone - just talked online and met this one person (as well as look as some porn). I've had trouble being able to believe he's being honest with me and telling me all that really did happen - that maybe something physical did happen and he's afraid to tell me. I'm also having trouble getting over the fact that he did this behind my back and lied to me to cover it all up for some time. The timing of it all hurts as well - he met this person and was still very much confused about his sexuality when we made the appointment for the reversal. Can someone help? Thank you.

[Kate]

Something like this must come as quite a shock, especially at a time when you are considering strting a family. It must also have been difficult for your husband to pluck up courage to talk to you about it, especially if he was feeling confused himself.

Trust seems to be an issue for you. Rebuilding trust can take time and effort. You might like to read an article (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/marriageclinic/infidelity/trust/) on the site about it. Are you able to share your doubts and concerns with your husband and to encourage him to talk to you? It is quite a balance to share your concerns and strong feelings about what has happened and make your relationship a place where your husband feels safe enough to share his own inner turmoil.

If you want to know more about supporting those attracted to a gay life style, I can recommend The True Freedom Trust (http://www.tftrust.u-net.com/) in the UK which is a Christian run organisation. In the US you can try the Straight Spouse Network (http://www.ssnetwk.org/purpose.htm).

With best wishes

Kate

[Unregistered]

Kate

Thank you for your kind words. My husband and I have talked quite a bit about all this. He's always said that one of the things he admires most about me is my compassion for others and my ability to be open to listening without judging. I guess that's why it somewhat concerns me that he didn't talk to me at the time - I would have understood and probably encouraged him to figure out if this was a part of who he is (no one can live the rest of their life without truly know who they are). His first marriage ended after his ex found out he was having an affair - I think that knowledge makes this situation more difficult for me. When we got married he said, and I honestly believed, that he felt he'd learned a lot about himself and marriage from his first and the way things ended and that he did not want to go down that path again. My ex had multiple affairs while we were married and this, of course, adds to my fears. one of my biggest concerns is that my husband may be hiding something, even from himself, about how he really feels and that one day it will surface - finding out then would be devistating. (my sister's ex- husband told her he was gay and had been having an affair with a man after they'd been married for 5 years - this, I'm sure adds to the fear as well).
Part of me wants so much to move on from this and get back the relationship we had. Another part is terrified to let the walls of protection down for fear of this resurfacing. It would be worse when I felt safe and happy again then it would be now to find out. Thanks again

[Dave]

Thanks for sharing a little more of your thoughts and feelings.

I think there are some issues that will take courage to face - but which are at the root of your situation.

You talk of being "terrified to let the walls of protection down for fear of this resurfacing" - but in your heart you know that it is only by being totally vulnerable that you can really grow through this. This is tough for all of us - it is even tougher when you have come through some of the experiences you both have from previous marriages.

Courage is not the absense of fear - it is being fully aware of the fear, and deciding to go on.

On your wedding day you made unconditional vows to each other to work at the relationship whatever the cost - it will only be by deciding to put your whole trust in your partner, and his promises to you that you can come through to find the joy and fulfillment you are seeking.

It will be tough, but until you confront your fears, and make the decision that you will trust and love him no matter what, you will always have that little nagging voice holding you back and spoiling your joy.

My advice is to live "courageously" to make your marriage the one you want - easy for me to say, and tough for you to do - but our thoughts and prayers will be with you

Dave