24 hours

[Annie2]

Hello all,
It's been such a while since I've been on this site but I found myself back here today. It's amazing the rollercoaster you can do in 24 hours. I have spent the day going backwards and forwards over my life. In short (I'll try) those of you who are unfamiliar with my situation...I met my H when I was 16, two weeks later he slapped me during a minor disagreement..the rest is history. It never stopped. I loved him, I wanted badly the perfect relationship, never knew anything else. After 17years together, 3 brilliant children but 14 miscarriages he blurted out on Valentines night that he was seeing someone else, in love and leaving me and the kids (didn't want them either and never had). After months of listening to how it was all my fault and if I divorced him I would be hurting my children, more violence and even me finally calling the police when he smashed my window in...we got back together. Stupid me? Probably but desperate for normality as I knew it. Yet it never came....by that I mean it came but I had been pushed too far, I couldn't do the normality that I'd known. The being told that I was cold, unloveable and being pushed physically around. My supply of loyalty and forgiveness had run out. After a horrible and exhausting year I finally had him arrested after he threatened me with a hot iron and a punch (infront of my daughter). The emotional abuse has never stopped...he still rants and raves via email and text. I've given my lot back but not as much as him. So now in the middle of divorce and starting over again.
I spent today thinking over stuff after he asked me for money. Stupid really. I'm on benefits and he in a very well paid full time job. Despite threats of not doing, he still pays the bills and the mortgage so at least we are ok and fortunate at the moment. It's still hard, I struggle to feed and give the kids what basics they need. But we're happy. Anyway I snapped...mailed him my exact thoughts and we ping ponged for the majority of the day. It's so pointless. Each time I write down in email my feelings I know afterwards that they will be taken lightly. What is the point and why do I lower myself to that. I'm happy on my own now, it gets lonely but then I remember how lonely I was in my marriage and it doesn't feel so bad. I learn new things about myself each day, bits i like, bits i don't.
I guess I'm rambling but really I need to know just all the usual 'reasonable' stuff like how long will it take before the hurt stops, when will I feel the 'closure' etc. Is it normal to think about new relationships and worry too? So anyone out there with a similar tale....please share with me your thoughts.
Sorry for the rambling..
Annie2

[Ginger God]

Annie2,

Not having been in an abusive relationship I cant imagine what you went through..my wife was just a serial shagger..nice and easy.

It will get better when you stop "ping ponging" You have to stop letting him get to you. Dont speak to him unless it absolutely necessary or if need be ...through a medium:rolleyes:.
Last Friday I had a 40 minute conversation with my wife about life in general..1 year 49 weeks after I found out she was cheating again. I have spoken to her very rarely in the time in between and I think this has helped. I have no feelings for her at all..but I also think I have now got rid of any bitterness..your wont stop until you cease to speak to him..ignore everything.

Graham

[Annie2]

Hi Graham,
I know exactly what you are saying. It's so ridiculous that I take a big step forward but then find myself turning back. I hear what you say about having no feelings for your wife too. I have mixed feelings now. I sometimes feel bitter when he mails me his latest hate and I stupidly mail back, othertimes I ignore it. I am so pleased that I finally consistently feel that I no longer love him. I don't hate him though, I'd like nothing more than us being able to be civil for the kids. It's frustrating seeing that it will never happen though.
Ok...personal question Graham...how soon did you start seeing other people? I know I'm not ready nor feel the need but the thought is always there.
Thanks for replying,
Annie xxx

[jools]

People tend to slap a 2 year time on "getting over" a long term relationship. I second what Graham says about "no contact" - though over the past year i've asked to see him about twice. I just needed to look hard at him and assess my feelings at those particular times. Of course I ended up pouring out all my anger etc at him but at those particular times I needed those meetings and they did help. I no longer feel the need to see him. When he calls to give the girls lifts he waits in the car outside (as I expect that). He'd like to be friends but that's not about to happen. It's just over a year for me. I would say that in the last few months I've really got over him and any upset he's capable of making me feel. And it's only recently that i've actually felt ready for another relationship. However, i'm still going through the process as i'm still adjusting to this whole single thing and the anxiety of not having a partner. I'd really like a boyfriend at the moment. Had a couple of offers - but I just didn't fancy them.

Just be prepared for the fact that you'll have good days (weeks) with increasing frequency where you feel you've moved on then suddenly find yourself crying and back down again. This is just part of the healing process. Eventually you will feel at peace about it all and feel that he's not able to affect your moods or life -- but as Graham says this is more likely to happen if you can avoid contact. You'll get there!
Jools XXXXXXX
________
Family guy advice (http://www.tv-gossip.com/family-guy/)

[Annie2]

Thank you Jools...you made so much sense. It's all sounding a bit like an instruction manual but I reckon thats what a lot of us want and need. The no contact thing is hard with 3 young kids to hand over once a week but I'm getting there I think. I think I was just hoping for a bit of civil contact for that but it's never going to happen and I need to work at accepting that.
Thanks again, good to hear you are doing ok.
Annie xxxx

[Ginger God]

Hi Graham,
I know exactly what you are saying. It's so ridiculous that I take a big step forward but then find myself turning back. I hear what you say about having no feelings for your wife too. I have mixed feelings now. I sometimes feel bitter when he mails me his latest hate and I stupidly mail back, othertimes I ignore it. I am so pleased that I finally consistently feel that I no longer love him. I don't hate him though, I'd like nothing more than us being able to be civil for the kids. It's frustrating seeing that it will never happen though.
Ok...personal question Graham...how soon did you start seeing other people? I know I'm not ready nor feel the need but the thought is always there.
Thanks for replying,
Annie xxx

Annie,

I started seeing girls a week after I left my wife.
In hindsight I was a bomb scare and never ready to date in a million years but it helped because it got all of the rubbish out of the way in the early months.
I have met loads of girls but not the girl of my dreams if there is such a thing but you wont find a more confident or happy guy out there...not arrogant but confident.
Life is there for living but you have to let go of everything.
Ok Im a shallow bugger because looks at first are important and I have met some seriously good looking girls..and its strange because when I met my wife on Saturday morning I thought...what did I ever see in you..proof enough..and I thought she was Gods gift....

Graham
x

[Bouncy]

Remember you did a very brave thing getting out and you have every right to have a normal life with a normal partner.
If you know e-mails and texts are from him just delete them without reading them. Don't have any contact unless through a third party.
Good luck for the future honey, the difficult part is over I'm sure.

[Anne22]

Hi Annie,

I remember being here when you were trying so hard to forgive your h - you gave and gave and always held your head up high. You took far far too much abuse - you know you did - I was soooooooo proud of you when it all came to a head - you inspired me!

I remember you like me trying very hard to hold it all together for the kids and any for other reason (didnt want to be a statistic - this cant be happening to me stuff!!) we felt was right at the time. The most important thing to remember is 'it is his loss' there was no way you or I could have continued to have lived with these men putting us down and totally disrespecting us hardworking mums.

I know it is hard and like you I long for some sort or normality - I must say I think this advice is great - regarding contact!!!! I still seem to be holding on to the past a little - well I suppose it is all I know and have known for the past 20 years!

I too wish there was an instruction manual to help us through this - I seem to have great days and then something like yesterday happened when my 'outlaws' emailed - and really made me angry. I ended up having a 'ding dong' with them via email and regret it now - I dont regret what I said I just regret letting it all upset me! I think perhaps no contact with them would be good too!

Perhaps because my h has not communicated much with me about his feelings etc and his parents are giving me snippets of what he has said to them I am reacting - if you know what I mean! They said they dont blame him for breaking up our marriage!!!! Beggers belief!!!

I too would love to have someone in my life again but am unsure as to when I would ever be ready!!!!!!!!!!!!

Take time - love your self - I think we need some of Mikes - positive attitude stuff????

Lots of love

Anne22 xx