Living in a loveless marriage...

[Loveless_Marriage]

My first post, I am hoping someone can help me. I am 34 years old and pregnant with twins. My husband who is 27 and I have been married almost 3 years. When we first became a couple our relationship was great.. I mean we were intimate at least once a day sometimes more, then the latter part of last year he started being distant, going out more often, changed his style, started hiding his cell phone, I knew he was being unfaithful and eventually I was able to find out and confront him. he ended the affair in january, now I have become pregnant and honestly up until a few weeks ago things were going great.. but the last few weeks he has become distant, doesnt talk to me.. wont touch me, rolls over and goes to sleep without saying goodnight.. my relationship has been reduced to a quick kiss in the morning on his way out the door to work, to making his dinnner, doing his laundry and basically being ignored. I hope and pray its the pregnancy that has him this way, I am almost 6 months now and I am very big, I mean I am having twins so I am larger than the average 6 month pregnant woman.. But I try and try to get him to touch me, be intimate and he just shrugs it off, says hes too tired, says he doesnt feel like it.. I am really beginning to be concerned that he doesnt love me anymore, I mean he tells me everyday that he loves me, he calls me throughout the day to see how im doing, he always tells me he loves me before wehang up.. but it just seems like its a robot talking. He doesnt hold me, he doesnt touch me he doesnt kiss me and he certainly doesnt want to make love to me anymore. What can I do?? I feel like im losing my husband and I have 2 children on the way, I am scared to death. What is the likelyhood he is cheating on me again? I mean I asked him the other day if that was it and he flat out denied that he was having an affair, even brought me flowers(which by the way he has NEVER done in 3 years). I dont know what to think, someone please help me.

[sonnig]

I'm so sorry to read your post, I don't know what to say but didn't want to ignore you.

Being pregnant is hard physically anyway, but then there's the natural fears for the future anway, but an affair on top of it all. I've been pregnant so I know how demanding it can be, and understand how much you probably want your husband to pat your belly and talk to your babies.

I'm also recovering from finding out about my husband's affair, so I totally understand how bad that can feel. But the 2 together must be very tough.

How did he react initially when you told him about the pregnancy? Has he been involved at all, eg chosing baby stuff (I know my husband, and also brother in law had zero interest in this though some men do), has he ome to scans or attended ante natal appointments with you? Chosen names or anything positive to do with the babies? If he has, maybe it realy is just being put off by the pregnancy which is hard but not unusual.

Did the affair end only because you found out? Are you sure it's over? Do you have any way of checking?

What I would do is let him know you want to talk about it and suggest a time, eg at the weekend. Let him know what about and say you're going to jot a little list of topics to discuss /that you want resolving, and invite him to do the same. This method works best for us as we then have time to think about what we want to say, and it's not done in the heat of an annoyance, but calmly and cooly.

Have you had counselling, either single or as a couple?

I wish you all the very best with your babies and hope you can resolve some of your issues. He needs to sort himself out asap, you need and deserve his support right now.

You can contact me also if you need someone.
Do you have real life friends or family about who can aslo support you?

[Loveless_Marriage]

Thank you for responding. Yes I found out what the reason was. he was in fact having an affair. I just found out day before yesterday, actually the day I posted. I found him at the motel with her, not the same girl as last time but a different one. I am struggling to deal with it now, I worry that the stress and strain will affect my pregnancy, I have made an appoitment with my doctor for today. I am still in a bit of shock, but all in all I am glad I finally know the truth now.

[huskypup]

I don't know what to say apart from I wish I could hug you and make it all go away.

Please keep posting on this forum, it really does help to just vent your frustrations and chat with people who do understand, all of us on this forum have been through some sort of heartache. I know for me, this forum has got me through the last few weeks.

Try and keep calm, you need to look after yourself for the babies, they need you and that is the most important thing.

Take care

Nancy
xx

[AnnieP]

I don't know what to say either. I am so sorry. You must be feeling shattered.
Please keep posting on here and let us know how you are. It really does help.
I hope there are good people near to you who you can turn to now? You deserve lots of love and support here.
Best wishes

[Topsy47]

Hi, I'm another one that doesn't know what to say but just wanted to send you lots of hugs.

Definitely keep posting, everyone's very supportive on here

Topsy
x

[Just Lisa]

hi there

There's always light at the end of the tunnel - sometimes its just pretty damn hard to see. I've been where you are. My ex booked me in for an abortion when he discovered i was pregnant with twins. We'd everything going for us. Financially secure. I wouldn't do it. Things went down hill after that. I left when twins where 3 - sspent most of their first 3 years on my own.

I'm on my own with 5 kids. Twins are now 7. We already had 3 fab kids. Dad doesn't see them now. We're doing great. It is daunting to start with but you'll get there. I never thought I would. Looking back now I should have left years before but then I wouldn't have had my wonderful kids. x

[Just Lisa]

Every situation is different. Maybe it is just the pregnancy. Either way it is horrible to sleep in the same bed and long for a loving response and not get one. I found that soul destroying - it made my life hell and i felt so miserable. I just wated to be held - any loving response would be welcomed. It got to the point I was scared to initiate anything even a hug for fear of rejection. I do know how you feel honestly I really do. Go with you heart and trust your gut feelings. Think everything through and do whats best for you and yur babies x Take care and we're all here for you

[Loveless_Marriage]

Thank you all for your posts. I had to take a break for me, but Im feeling much better now. I threw his behind out of the hosue... but after 4 days I let him come home. I have babies coming, and he was crying on the phone saying he would never do it again and that he is having a problem dealing with the pregnancy and all of the changes I am going through physically. I guess to an extent I understand although I still feel there is no excuse for cheating on your pregnant wife.

He stays home now, he doesnt go anywhere except to work and back. I think he is trying to prove to me the affair is over. This will be hard for him to do, he has to earn a lot of my trust and respect back and I have told him it will take longer than 1 week to do so. He draws my bath, rubs my feet, is very affectionate now, not that I want him to touch me at this point, honestly I am having a hard time allowing him to touch me now that I know what he has done. I honestly dont know if we will make it past this, but I suppose I am willing to try. I know if my mother were still here (RIP) she would tell me that marriage is about hard work and compromise even if they make a BIG mistake such as the one he made, not only for the children involved but because you have invested so much of yourself into the relationship. if you dont try you will always wonder if you could have saved it.. at least this way I can say I am trying, if it doesnt work out I didn't fail myself or my children.

I will keep posting, it does help to vent!