husbands internet women

[katie]

I need someone to talk to my husband who I trusted 100o/o has discovered chat lines and porn on the net. also he went camping with another woman in June. He lied so easily to me I belived him. He says he dosent love me anymore but still has some feelings for me I want to rebuild our marriage and want him to love me again. I any one can give me help and advice please contact me.

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katie

[Kate]

Dear Katie,

It is an awful shock to discover your trust has been broken. It sounds as if your husband has got into something and can't see the damage it is doing to you both. Internet affairs and porn can become an addiction.

Your husband, like many in his situation, seems very mixed up about feelings, love and commitment. Feelings arise in us in response to what is going on around us and they reflect who we are inside and the emotional needs we have.

Many of your emotional needs are not being met right now and I guess you have some pretty negative feelings. It's all right to have those feelings and it probably helps if you can acknowledge them in yourself rather than bottling them up, but remember they are not a good guide when making decisions.

Love is more than feeling good about someone. Love is an action, a choice, a decision, even an attitude which involves our feelings, but as any Mum knows you can fel angry with a child but still act lovingly for the best of the child and the relationship. The same is true in marriage - we can choose to love, even when we are being let down and hurt - it's not easy!

There are a number of articles about affairs (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/marriageclinic/infidelity/) and internet related problems (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/marriageclinic/cyberaffair/) on the site. These might help you understand what's going on and what you can do. There might even be soemthing he could read and find helpful.

Does your husband want to sort things out? See if you can get him to talk about what is going on and about the feelings he says he has for you. Perhaps you can encourage him to get some outside help or counselling (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/marriageclinic/counselling/).
Do post again if you need somewhere to talk.

[vallygirl]

I don't know your couple issues....but he could be lonely too.My H looked at them and I got very insecure(did he like that body and not mine,it is cheating).I recently,admittedly,looked at men sites too.I really know now what place he was coming from.He says he feels cheated because I yelled at him for it before,and then I did it.I told him I was not in the place he was(I want more sex now than he does and want to try different things)espically after raising two girls as a military mom.I was tired and not interested,but he had needs I wasn't fulfilling.Unfortunately,this is still our case.He doesn't ever talk about how he feels.He makes me feel like he has no opinions,dreams,emotions constantly! We have a very one-sided marriage.I'm the intiator and he is dependent.I intiate activites,responsibilites,thoughts,feelings, emotions,financial decisions,and now sex! It sure can wear you down.So I felt lonely.I actually found an old boyfriend and started chatting with him (and had cyber sex,which we both ended.he is married too).I feel very guilty about my thoughts and opinions on my marriage.I really want out.But is it for the best?

Val