Still feel so alone!

[Anne22]

Hi

I havent posted for ages - been nearly 4 months since I asked my h to leave me and the kids. This was so hard as I spent 18 months trying to save my marriage but found out via his current mistress about his latest affair which spurned me on. Truthfully I have lived a nightmare lonely married life for the past 10 years and at last trying to get back my life after deciding I cannot take any more lies and deceit. Would have been 20 years married this Autumn!

His numerous one night stands and two long affairs (one for 5 years and other for 3 years) ended our marriage - well actually we are not divorced yet just got the Decree Nisi through so can go for Absolute anytime now!!!

I am really feeling so lonely at the moment - have to make so many big decisions about my life, finaces and the kids etc. and it all just gets too much some days. Have days when I am fine and others when I just want to go to sleep and wake up with him here and it all just be a bad dream! I know that is not rational thinking and I should stop being so stupid but thats just the way I feel!

Sometimes just miss having a hug - mum, sister and brother just live so far away!! My little boy gives great hugs but just not the same - want a hug from someone to say 'it will be alright - you will be alright' etc etc.

He is still saying I am the one who broke up the marriage as I asked him to leave - still seems to have no remorse for all that he put me through. He also says he must have been unhappy with me 10 years ago to have gone to another woman for company - I too felt very unloved (not knowing that he was getting his comfort!) but did not run into the arms of another man.
Always tried to talk to him but he is not 'a talker'! Such a shame.

The sad thing is that whenever I see him now I dont see him through the rose coloured spectacles I used to and do not feel attracted to him now knowing what I know - this saddens me but I suppose is only natural - I do feel part of me will always love him as the father of my two beautiful children but just wish I had not joined the 'Divorce Statistics' Somethimes cant believe I am going through a divorce!

Was hoping that Annie, Sally or Mike were around for a chat??

Thanks for reading this - I appreciate it.

Love Anne22xx:(

[jools]

Hi Anne
I do really feel for you. I can relate to much of what you've said. We're left behind being the responsible ones while they indulge themselves while blaming everyone else (well that's what it feels like). I've been separated just over a year but have put off the divorce just because (like you implied) it seems like such an ugly word. Like a badge of failure. Separated or divorced - i'm just gonna think of myself as "single" - cos that's what it feels like. I also know what you mean about the hug thing. I've got two older daughters who oblige - but I want to feel the bigger than me protective hug that only a man can give. That sounds pathetic. I can assure you that I am independent and strong - but I still want that.
The sad thing is that whenever I see him now I dont see him through the rose coloured spectacles I used to and do not feel attracted to him now knowing what I know - this saddens me but I suppose is only naturalIn a way you should be glad about that. It shows you're slowly getting over him. It's necessary if you're gonna move on. He sounds so selfish and uncaring. Hopefully, one day, you'll look back at this and think "phew! lucky escape!" It's just hard at the moment. We have to believe that we'll find a really happy place eventually - whereas they'll always have to live with the emotional damage that they've caused. We'll get there, Anne. XXXXXXXX
Jools XXX
________
Avandia Side Effect (http://www.classactionsettlements.org/lawsuit/avandia/)

[claudia.35]

Anne

I fully sympathise with you as I so often feel the same.Going through divorce feels so lonely at times as we don't know what the future holds and it's all so uncertain. We are the ones left picking up the pieces and so many decisions about ours and our children's futures need to be made, but we can only do what we can. Do you have any friends that can help support you through this? You do need some support. If not keep posting on here.

It sounds like the love has gone from your marriage, you said you don't feel attracted to your H any more, that can be a good thing and used to help you move on. The sad thing is, I still am very attracted to my H, it kills me knowing he is with an OW and every time I see him I still long for him. You don't have those feelings any more, its sad I know, but a great moving on point. You deserve to be happy and if you have been unhappy for the past 10 yrs then that kinda says it all. You need to discover who you are again, do things for you and nobody else. Make yourself happy and then in time you will meet someone who fills your life with the happiness you deserve. It seems horrible at the moment, but you are still in so early days, like me I am only 4 months down the line. But I keep telling myself I have already reached the lowest point, things can only get better now!
So keep your chin up, and post on here if you feel lonely.

take care

cx

[Anne22]

Hi

Thanks very much your comments are so good to hear - when you feel so alone its nice to see people care.

To the outside world I am coping really well - always have a sunny disposition and I suppose in a way it is a barrier for me to hide behind. My h jobs have moved us 6 times in the past 15 years so it has been really hard to keep friends - I still keep up with some from every place we have lived in but have been here for 5 years now and have some friends but as the kids have got older do find it more difficult to make good friends.

I have noone here I can really open up my heart to - my sister has betrayed me to my h, my bro lives abroad and my mum lives a 12 hour drive away so just feel so alone!! I gave up so much for my h to live his dream and was happy to do that for him and thought we would be happier in the long run if he is content - however he has been always looking for that next thing - the next house, the next job, the next holiday and not stopping to enjoy what we have built up and made together. We started with nothing and now have so much it is a shame! It has been often said - why would the man who has everything want anything else!!!

I know I have been a good wife and am a good mother just wish I could have someone to talk to in the evenings, laugh with and to share a glass or two of wine with etc etc I do hope this lonely feeling goes away

Thanks for listening

Love Anne22 xx

[claudia.35]

I know that feeling so well, nights are the worst for me too, when the kids are in bed. I long to have some company and someone to chat with, that's why I started posting on here. I am lucky tho I do have good friends but they have their lives to lead and weekends get lonely for me! You must keep posting on here as there are some friendly people in similar situations. It is a lonely time, but like I said to things for you and find what makes you happy. Go to the gym, go shopping, join an evening class, have a pamper day, anything you enjoy. Try and get yourself out there and meet some new people.

take care of yourself x

[callow]

Hi Anne

I am sorry you are feeling so lonely. You are still in the early days of the breakup and I feel that it will take time to come to terms with the situation you now find yourself in.

Your husband will always blame you for the dissolving the marriage. He will not have the guts to look at his major part in the situation. I think you just have to accept that this is his reality.

I still have not faced the "divorce" situation yet. H was just down for the weekend. We get on fine and anyone looking at the situation would have no clue that we are separated. I still think that our situation, if he had spoken about his concerns at the time, could have been solved. I watch shows where some young person has their parents supporting them and I am so sorry that this will not be the situation for my daughters. The best I can do is be amicable with my H, which I am. There is always a part of me that will love him.

I don't need much company, but I do have a limit when I feel lonely. I also feel that there is something wrong with me as well (poor self esteem). I did feel it the other day, then the next day I had several friends contact me. One confided in me the sad news that her husband has cancer. I don't have too many friends as I have also moved a lot. I have about 2 close friends and then a group of girlfriends that get together for each others birthdays or for a night out.

I also find it helpful to be proactive. My birthday is coming up soon and so I plan it myself. I have no family, as such, in the UK and daughters are too young. Unfortunately, my best friend's husband's birthday is on the same day so he take precedence in her life. I have planned a Moroccan night at my house for a group of my girlfriends. I will not have to sit in my house worried about being lonely on my birthday.

As for touch, some people suggest having massages. My local college has a beauty & holistic therapy school. I can get massages there cheaply. As for friends, the only thing I can suggest is going to a few groups or doing some voluntary work. I find it hard to make the first move when seeking out friends, but in most cases when I look back that is how I have my best friends.

All the best and look after yourself.

Sally

[Anne22]

Thanks - I do feel less lonely when posting here - I sound such a saddoooooooooooo......

I know I will have a happy and fulfilled future and do feel I have something to give to someone who might be looking for a loyal, kind person - just not sure I will ever be able to trust a man again!!!!

No - dont get the wrong idea - not into women !!!!!!!!!!!! Ha Ha !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I look forward to tomorrow and hope the sun is shining again!

Love Anne22 xx