pmoon
24th August 2007, 11:31 AM
Firstly i would just like to say i am not trying to create a battle of the sexes here, and would appreciate views from both genders!!!!
After having a read a few threads i am picking out similiarities. Granted, i not in the best place to be objective (anxiety/depression), and granted there are two sides to every story, but my frustration with the realtionship did seemd to be caused by wifes inability to give and take. I am starting to feel that my wife did use me (and my parents), either knowingly or subconsciously.
HOMES & RELOCATION
1) Whilst at Uni she never wanted to go back to her parents, she hated her father, then, and would spend nearly all her time at my parents during holidays. We wanted to support her but did not want to be put in the middle. Reluctantly she was allowed to stay.
Once she had been offered a job she the wanted to move to where the job was, fair enough! However, my parents now tell me that they felt like they had been dropped like a hot potato as they hardly saw her after that. On top of that my W would feel resentful if i spent too much time, or accepted help from my parents. Incidently, she had no problem taking a large sum of money form my parents for the deposit on the house that we bought! Nice!
2) She wanted to live near her work to cut down on commuting and give her/us more time. This rule applied to both houses we lived in. She said that she appreciated me accomodating her requests and that she owed me a move. I always fancied Brighton, but at the same time was not keeping score, it was nice of her to say though.
So i relocated to the town that she had just spent three years in, moved away form my friends and work, increased my commute time by an hour each way. Once we moved into the houses, on both occasions she would hardly ever walk and still use the car. HER JOB WAS TEN MINS WALK AWAY!!! Indeed because she was nearer to work it just seemed to mean that she would stay later than everyone else. Ultimately she said that she did not want to move away from Canterbury and was now not to keen on Brighton!!! This coming from someone who wanted to live in Canterbury so much that she was unable to find the time to look for a new house, i am the one who ended up doing it because she never had enough time away from work!!!!
WORK
3) Not only did i relocate for her work, increase my own commute time for her work, and move away from my work contacts, but she then also, because of jealousy, would be unhappy with the work that i did. This became a reoccuring theme and would make me feel guilty all the time. Only when i started doing less work did she become less jealous. In the same breath, she would spend so much time at work, worrying about work, getting depressed about work, that she never seemed happy!
TIME OFF/HOLIDAYS
4) Because of her work we always had to have holiday time off that coincided with school holidays. The most expensive time of the year! Ofcourse me being self employed would mean whenever i took time off, i lost money, lots of it! The pressure would be put on me to not work xmas and NYE (biggest money nights of the year) so we could spend time together. Admittedly, i would rather have spent time with her, but thats where the money came from, catch 22! Eventually when i did relent and started taking more of those nights off, we would have to see her parents, and her relatives! Most of the time was eaten up with what she wanted to do! This is of course if she wasnt ill form work, which became the norm. She would be ill for large chunks of the holidays on a regular basis, which would only leave even less time for her and us!
HOUSEWORK
5) She was busy, but liked a tidy ordered house, things had to look nice! Fair enough, but she found it hard to contribute to domestic chores as she was so busy with work. At first i thought it would pass because she was settling in for a year or two. But it never changed, she enjoyed the painting and decorating, but could not find time for the day to day stuff! I found myself, cleaning, washing, ironing, fixing things, much more than she was able to do. To begin with i was happy to do it, to support her and to challenge the typical gender roles. I think its only fair that men are involved on all fronts. The only time she has gone through the bills, something that i had become responsible for organising, was when she left and wanted to work out how much she was going to pay me!!!
Can anyone spot a common thread here? I know there are teachers out there and i mean no offence, but her work was the one thing she never changed, in fact she ahd not try to change alot, only the things that she wnated to do! I fear that the demands of the job combined with an ouvert moral responsibility to do right by the children, on top of the need to be :mad:praised continually because of self esteem issues, has made her unable to see what has happened. However if i ever questioned the job, or how she did it she would point blank refuse to accept that it was anything to do with the job!
All this coming from someone who works at a school where there are two teachers on anti-depressants, 2 failed marraiges, 1 failed long term relationship, 1 alcoholic, 1 nervous breakdown, 1 with IBS, and its only a one form entry school!!!
i feel that I am starting to feel that my good nature has been taken for granted, and the moment i was unable to satisfy her needs, i was discarded. It no surprise that she has fallen out of love with me, as i have become a castrated, ***** whipped, eunuch! After all this i am the one that has made myself ill trying to do the right thing and im the one on anti-depressants and sleeping tablets, unable to work. If you have read this, i salute you, its long winded and possibly tedious. I am starting to become full of rage.
Anyway after all that, you know what i still love her! I am definately insane! I will leave you with some song lyrics: "Whats a man without a past, we love him for his lies and then we try to break him down to make it last"
After having a read a few threads i am picking out similiarities. Granted, i not in the best place to be objective (anxiety/depression), and granted there are two sides to every story, but my frustration with the realtionship did seemd to be caused by wifes inability to give and take. I am starting to feel that my wife did use me (and my parents), either knowingly or subconsciously.
HOMES & RELOCATION
1) Whilst at Uni she never wanted to go back to her parents, she hated her father, then, and would spend nearly all her time at my parents during holidays. We wanted to support her but did not want to be put in the middle. Reluctantly she was allowed to stay.
Once she had been offered a job she the wanted to move to where the job was, fair enough! However, my parents now tell me that they felt like they had been dropped like a hot potato as they hardly saw her after that. On top of that my W would feel resentful if i spent too much time, or accepted help from my parents. Incidently, she had no problem taking a large sum of money form my parents for the deposit on the house that we bought! Nice!
2) She wanted to live near her work to cut down on commuting and give her/us more time. This rule applied to both houses we lived in. She said that she appreciated me accomodating her requests and that she owed me a move. I always fancied Brighton, but at the same time was not keeping score, it was nice of her to say though.
So i relocated to the town that she had just spent three years in, moved away form my friends and work, increased my commute time by an hour each way. Once we moved into the houses, on both occasions she would hardly ever walk and still use the car. HER JOB WAS TEN MINS WALK AWAY!!! Indeed because she was nearer to work it just seemed to mean that she would stay later than everyone else. Ultimately she said that she did not want to move away from Canterbury and was now not to keen on Brighton!!! This coming from someone who wanted to live in Canterbury so much that she was unable to find the time to look for a new house, i am the one who ended up doing it because she never had enough time away from work!!!!
WORK
3) Not only did i relocate for her work, increase my own commute time for her work, and move away from my work contacts, but she then also, because of jealousy, would be unhappy with the work that i did. This became a reoccuring theme and would make me feel guilty all the time. Only when i started doing less work did she become less jealous. In the same breath, she would spend so much time at work, worrying about work, getting depressed about work, that she never seemed happy!
TIME OFF/HOLIDAYS
4) Because of her work we always had to have holiday time off that coincided with school holidays. The most expensive time of the year! Ofcourse me being self employed would mean whenever i took time off, i lost money, lots of it! The pressure would be put on me to not work xmas and NYE (biggest money nights of the year) so we could spend time together. Admittedly, i would rather have spent time with her, but thats where the money came from, catch 22! Eventually when i did relent and started taking more of those nights off, we would have to see her parents, and her relatives! Most of the time was eaten up with what she wanted to do! This is of course if she wasnt ill form work, which became the norm. She would be ill for large chunks of the holidays on a regular basis, which would only leave even less time for her and us!
HOUSEWORK
5) She was busy, but liked a tidy ordered house, things had to look nice! Fair enough, but she found it hard to contribute to domestic chores as she was so busy with work. At first i thought it would pass because she was settling in for a year or two. But it never changed, she enjoyed the painting and decorating, but could not find time for the day to day stuff! I found myself, cleaning, washing, ironing, fixing things, much more than she was able to do. To begin with i was happy to do it, to support her and to challenge the typical gender roles. I think its only fair that men are involved on all fronts. The only time she has gone through the bills, something that i had become responsible for organising, was when she left and wanted to work out how much she was going to pay me!!!
Can anyone spot a common thread here? I know there are teachers out there and i mean no offence, but her work was the one thing she never changed, in fact she ahd not try to change alot, only the things that she wnated to do! I fear that the demands of the job combined with an ouvert moral responsibility to do right by the children, on top of the need to be :mad:praised continually because of self esteem issues, has made her unable to see what has happened. However if i ever questioned the job, or how she did it she would point blank refuse to accept that it was anything to do with the job!
All this coming from someone who works at a school where there are two teachers on anti-depressants, 2 failed marraiges, 1 failed long term relationship, 1 alcoholic, 1 nervous breakdown, 1 with IBS, and its only a one form entry school!!!
i feel that I am starting to feel that my good nature has been taken for granted, and the moment i was unable to satisfy her needs, i was discarded. It no surprise that she has fallen out of love with me, as i have become a castrated, ***** whipped, eunuch! After all this i am the one that has made myself ill trying to do the right thing and im the one on anti-depressants and sleeping tablets, unable to work. If you have read this, i salute you, its long winded and possibly tedious. I am starting to become full of rage.
Anyway after all that, you know what i still love her! I am definately insane! I will leave you with some song lyrics: "Whats a man without a past, we love him for his lies and then we try to break him down to make it last"