Robbie
23rd August 2007, 05:29 AM
I have written a gigantic rambling novel below, but rather than asking you to read the whole thing, I'll just pose my question (feel free to read the rest some night when you can't sleep):
I desperately feel like I need a divorce: I've been unable to convince, bargain, plead, or force(situationally, not physically!) my wife to live up to anything like equal responsibility. It's hurting me both emotionally and somewhat physically (because of my own tendency to get stressed about it), plus it's not good for my son, and I don't see it getting any better.
However, I don't feel like I can divorce: I have done my best to confirm there's no adultery, and she isn't an active threat to our son's physical health - just a barely-interested mom, and a completely non-present and "using" wife.
So at what time period of abdicating responsibilities, and at what level of physical and mental stress, do we think that God can forgive us for initiating a divorce? I HATE the idea of divorce, but I absolutely cannot carry this load by myself anymore. And, knowing that I'm leaning toward divorce, how can I stand before God and say "please forgive me...I know I'm about to sin, but I have to". That just doesn't sound right to my own ears.
Help.
The Loooong Story
---------------------
Over our 5-year marriage, I have tried as best as possible to solicit my wife's input on decisions, support her various needs and interests (career, hobbies, etc.), counsel her when she needs support, singlehandedly financially support her and my 3-year old, and not relegate her to being a "housewife", but instead, regardless of the hours I put in at work, be a 50% contributor at home.
I think I have painted myself into a corner, which I began to realize three years, but have been unable to correct. First, when she got pregnant (as planned by her and agreed to by me), I told her I'd take a higher-paying job (6-figures) in order to buy her some time and space to adjust to motherhood. I realized at a certain point that I was doing more financially than "supportively", so as I said, I started doing double-duty, so she wouldn't be alone in the household arena. In the meantime (while not working and barely maintaining the household) she also started putting our son into daycare, which I paid for while she "found herself" and also went through some post-partum depression. I wasn't happy about it, but I remained hopeful that this was just a valley.
When it became apparent the stay-at-home lifestyle wasn't working for her, I enlisted a lot of valuable contacts to help her find a job. She didn't call them back. I later helped her (not financially, but with time and energy) open a very small twice-a-week business based upon one of her hobbies. She got bored of that. Meanwhile, she became more resentful of me, for reasons I couldn't understand...I asked her..she wouldn't talk. I suggested marriage counseling at our church, and she left it to me to set it all up. Scheduling difficulties, my own miscommunication with the pastor, and no help from her made this not work out. I'd come home, sit 10 feet from her, and she wouldn't speak to me. Later, she said she felt like she gave up too much for me, because we'd moved from LA to Santa Barbara (which is a smaller town). Later, she found a 9-to-5, worked it for a few months, and then recanted and said she loved Santa Barbara, and wanted to find a way to live there (in the land of >$1,000,000 homes). We discussed that her tastes and interests exceeded our earning potential, so I encouraged her to pursue Law, which she'd talked about before. I supported her through that, when she was discouraged and struggling to get a good score. She got into a Law School in Pennsylvania, so I quit my job and we moved back to the East, which is also close to family...great! I talked in Church about how much of a blessing it was, which it still was, but it's being squandered...
I bought a house, we got our son into a new daycare, and I found a job (a 10-hour day, plus a 2+ hour daily commute). She complained that I was never around and that it was making life too hard for her, full-time school plus picking up and dropping off our son and putting him to bed. I explained that, as the sole wage-earner, holding the only adequate job I could find (plus honoring a contractual commitment), I was doing the best I could for the first year, plus paying for us to eat out constantly rather than her cooking, and wearing myself down with a very challenging job, commute, and home responsibilities. I also said I was getting terribly burned out, and that my struggles to get home at a decent hour were being met with absence, disregard, and/or continuing bitterness. I also hired a Martha Stewart-type of person to help us finish "moving in" and arranging the house, which was a mess; even with "Martha" around, she only grudingly participated, and then mainly when it came to buying new furniture. I suggested, asked, pleaded, and demanded that she try going part-time, because full-time was too much for the family, and our 2-year old was also suffering. She said no way. I took us to counseling. She said, in front of the counselor, that her law school was very demanding, and that doing well at law was more of a priority than family. I felt like a fool. A couple of months later, she said that she meant "just for now". Uh-huh. A couple of months later, she said she'd also have to put in heavy hours for the first few years of her job after school. As expected.
Later, during her 3-month summer internship, she tried to have our 2-year old stay with her mom 2.5 hours away - for the ENTIRE summer. She said since I was working and commuting so much, it would be rough on her to work her summer job and take care of our son. I put my foot down, and demanded that he stay with us. She relented, and found a way to make it work with babysitters - a compromise she resents that to this day. And although I work a lot of hours, I still spend nearly equal "non-quality", and far more "quality" time with our son...when I show up, she pretty much dumps him and goes either to the bedroom or out to a yoga class, etc.
We go months without sex. I went to a therapist. I took us to a marriage counselor. Nothing helped. I found us a church and she said she didn't like it...we discussed looknig for another one...later, she said she's not big into churches as a concept. Ooookay. I got hives twice in the last 1.5 years, and for a short while had high blood pressure. I'm in better health right now, although I'm currently stressed out over her constantly dropping off my son with her family, yet making excuses over trying to avoid my son seeing my family (who are Christian, mentally healthy, well-educated, and have bent over backwards to be nice to her)
Now, she's almost done with law school, and she has
1) resisted, relented, and then reneged on my request that once she starts her $140,000 job, that I take a 9-12 month sabbatical from work, to focus on recharging, focusing on our son and household, and figuring out my next career move which includes a specific idea about a flexible business to complement her anticipated heavy workload. My position is "If you don't want to anchor the household, then, fine - I'll do it. But I need to slow down a bit, because I'm killing myself here! And our son won't be 3 years old for long...he needs more than this." She says no way, "I didn't study this hard to go back to being a single-income household; you're unrealistic about the amount of parenting a child needs; you wouldn't be doing enough worthwhile things around the household"
2) Tried to get us to move to NYC. I have a problem with:
- raising a 3-year old in the big city, as opposed to the suburbs
- selling a house we've barely owned 2 years in a bad market
- a high cost of living and the pressure that comes with it
- sacrificing further for someone who uses me
- her claiming she wants "a better support network to take care of our son" (which means - her words - "I'm going to be working hard, you're going to be working hard, so I want somewhere to drop off our kid"). I told her "no" (explanation, more explanation, followed by pleading, followed by yelling). We ended that conversation two weeks ago with her saying "okay, then I guess we'll stay here". Two nights ago, I overheard that she's still telling her future employer to "leave the New York offer open". Not entirely unexpected at this point.
I take full responsibility for allowing things to get this far out of hand. I also firmly believe that my priorities are properly aligned, and that I've done everything I can in terms of energy, money, honest and clear communication, and flexibility in terms of my role.
At this point, I'd like to pray for reconciliation, but I can't lie to God and say "I want this to work out". All I want now is peace and the ability to rear my son to the best of my/our ability. I will do it all alone if need be, but I can't be around her anymore. I feel like I'm totally stuck here, though, because I don't want to sin by divorcing her. Honestly, I sin plenty without that adding that to the mix. Over the last few months, I've been drinking more (slightly more than a drink per day, but that's a first for me), looking at porn, and flirting with another woman (and I know where that leads). So, while allowing the original problem to fester, I've started adding to it, although I'm working to quickly unentangle myself from all those hollow crutches. But my other concern is that, even if I do stay, I see myself either miserable, or developing some other self-defeating "coping" mechanisms. Until I address the core issue, I'm going nowhere good.
My fingers are tired, and I expect, so are your eyes and brain. Anyway, thanks for any thoughts, whether you write them or just think them.
I desperately feel like I need a divorce: I've been unable to convince, bargain, plead, or force(situationally, not physically!) my wife to live up to anything like equal responsibility. It's hurting me both emotionally and somewhat physically (because of my own tendency to get stressed about it), plus it's not good for my son, and I don't see it getting any better.
However, I don't feel like I can divorce: I have done my best to confirm there's no adultery, and she isn't an active threat to our son's physical health - just a barely-interested mom, and a completely non-present and "using" wife.
So at what time period of abdicating responsibilities, and at what level of physical and mental stress, do we think that God can forgive us for initiating a divorce? I HATE the idea of divorce, but I absolutely cannot carry this load by myself anymore. And, knowing that I'm leaning toward divorce, how can I stand before God and say "please forgive me...I know I'm about to sin, but I have to". That just doesn't sound right to my own ears.
Help.
The Loooong Story
---------------------
Over our 5-year marriage, I have tried as best as possible to solicit my wife's input on decisions, support her various needs and interests (career, hobbies, etc.), counsel her when she needs support, singlehandedly financially support her and my 3-year old, and not relegate her to being a "housewife", but instead, regardless of the hours I put in at work, be a 50% contributor at home.
I think I have painted myself into a corner, which I began to realize three years, but have been unable to correct. First, when she got pregnant (as planned by her and agreed to by me), I told her I'd take a higher-paying job (6-figures) in order to buy her some time and space to adjust to motherhood. I realized at a certain point that I was doing more financially than "supportively", so as I said, I started doing double-duty, so she wouldn't be alone in the household arena. In the meantime (while not working and barely maintaining the household) she also started putting our son into daycare, which I paid for while she "found herself" and also went through some post-partum depression. I wasn't happy about it, but I remained hopeful that this was just a valley.
When it became apparent the stay-at-home lifestyle wasn't working for her, I enlisted a lot of valuable contacts to help her find a job. She didn't call them back. I later helped her (not financially, but with time and energy) open a very small twice-a-week business based upon one of her hobbies. She got bored of that. Meanwhile, she became more resentful of me, for reasons I couldn't understand...I asked her..she wouldn't talk. I suggested marriage counseling at our church, and she left it to me to set it all up. Scheduling difficulties, my own miscommunication with the pastor, and no help from her made this not work out. I'd come home, sit 10 feet from her, and she wouldn't speak to me. Later, she said she felt like she gave up too much for me, because we'd moved from LA to Santa Barbara (which is a smaller town). Later, she found a 9-to-5, worked it for a few months, and then recanted and said she loved Santa Barbara, and wanted to find a way to live there (in the land of >$1,000,000 homes). We discussed that her tastes and interests exceeded our earning potential, so I encouraged her to pursue Law, which she'd talked about before. I supported her through that, when she was discouraged and struggling to get a good score. She got into a Law School in Pennsylvania, so I quit my job and we moved back to the East, which is also close to family...great! I talked in Church about how much of a blessing it was, which it still was, but it's being squandered...
I bought a house, we got our son into a new daycare, and I found a job (a 10-hour day, plus a 2+ hour daily commute). She complained that I was never around and that it was making life too hard for her, full-time school plus picking up and dropping off our son and putting him to bed. I explained that, as the sole wage-earner, holding the only adequate job I could find (plus honoring a contractual commitment), I was doing the best I could for the first year, plus paying for us to eat out constantly rather than her cooking, and wearing myself down with a very challenging job, commute, and home responsibilities. I also said I was getting terribly burned out, and that my struggles to get home at a decent hour were being met with absence, disregard, and/or continuing bitterness. I also hired a Martha Stewart-type of person to help us finish "moving in" and arranging the house, which was a mess; even with "Martha" around, she only grudingly participated, and then mainly when it came to buying new furniture. I suggested, asked, pleaded, and demanded that she try going part-time, because full-time was too much for the family, and our 2-year old was also suffering. She said no way. I took us to counseling. She said, in front of the counselor, that her law school was very demanding, and that doing well at law was more of a priority than family. I felt like a fool. A couple of months later, she said that she meant "just for now". Uh-huh. A couple of months later, she said she'd also have to put in heavy hours for the first few years of her job after school. As expected.
Later, during her 3-month summer internship, she tried to have our 2-year old stay with her mom 2.5 hours away - for the ENTIRE summer. She said since I was working and commuting so much, it would be rough on her to work her summer job and take care of our son. I put my foot down, and demanded that he stay with us. She relented, and found a way to make it work with babysitters - a compromise she resents that to this day. And although I work a lot of hours, I still spend nearly equal "non-quality", and far more "quality" time with our son...when I show up, she pretty much dumps him and goes either to the bedroom or out to a yoga class, etc.
We go months without sex. I went to a therapist. I took us to a marriage counselor. Nothing helped. I found us a church and she said she didn't like it...we discussed looknig for another one...later, she said she's not big into churches as a concept. Ooookay. I got hives twice in the last 1.5 years, and for a short while had high blood pressure. I'm in better health right now, although I'm currently stressed out over her constantly dropping off my son with her family, yet making excuses over trying to avoid my son seeing my family (who are Christian, mentally healthy, well-educated, and have bent over backwards to be nice to her)
Now, she's almost done with law school, and she has
1) resisted, relented, and then reneged on my request that once she starts her $140,000 job, that I take a 9-12 month sabbatical from work, to focus on recharging, focusing on our son and household, and figuring out my next career move which includes a specific idea about a flexible business to complement her anticipated heavy workload. My position is "If you don't want to anchor the household, then, fine - I'll do it. But I need to slow down a bit, because I'm killing myself here! And our son won't be 3 years old for long...he needs more than this." She says no way, "I didn't study this hard to go back to being a single-income household; you're unrealistic about the amount of parenting a child needs; you wouldn't be doing enough worthwhile things around the household"
2) Tried to get us to move to NYC. I have a problem with:
- raising a 3-year old in the big city, as opposed to the suburbs
- selling a house we've barely owned 2 years in a bad market
- a high cost of living and the pressure that comes with it
- sacrificing further for someone who uses me
- her claiming she wants "a better support network to take care of our son" (which means - her words - "I'm going to be working hard, you're going to be working hard, so I want somewhere to drop off our kid"). I told her "no" (explanation, more explanation, followed by pleading, followed by yelling). We ended that conversation two weeks ago with her saying "okay, then I guess we'll stay here". Two nights ago, I overheard that she's still telling her future employer to "leave the New York offer open". Not entirely unexpected at this point.
I take full responsibility for allowing things to get this far out of hand. I also firmly believe that my priorities are properly aligned, and that I've done everything I can in terms of energy, money, honest and clear communication, and flexibility in terms of my role.
At this point, I'd like to pray for reconciliation, but I can't lie to God and say "I want this to work out". All I want now is peace and the ability to rear my son to the best of my/our ability. I will do it all alone if need be, but I can't be around her anymore. I feel like I'm totally stuck here, though, because I don't want to sin by divorcing her. Honestly, I sin plenty without that adding that to the mix. Over the last few months, I've been drinking more (slightly more than a drink per day, but that's a first for me), looking at porn, and flirting with another woman (and I know where that leads). So, while allowing the original problem to fester, I've started adding to it, although I'm working to quickly unentangle myself from all those hollow crutches. But my other concern is that, even if I do stay, I see myself either miserable, or developing some other self-defeating "coping" mechanisms. Until I address the core issue, I'm going nowhere good.
My fingers are tired, and I expect, so are your eyes and brain. Anyway, thanks for any thoughts, whether you write them or just think them.