Contacting the OW

[Suzi2000]

Hi there, on a recent thread I started some of the wives told me they contacted the other women either in person or by letter. I had thought initially that I couldn't do that, what would I say. H was very defensive when I mentioned this.

However, last night I started to think about it and this morning I wrote an email. This is the only way I know how to get in touch with her. I have saved it in draft and have not sent it. I don't know if I should. It is not harsh or nasty. It actually is about me needing to have closure and asking her to consider her family as she had some of the same issues as H for the reason for straying - which we are sorting out.

I don't know if it is best left in the draft as writing it might be more about moving a step forward for myself. Or do I need to send it to have the closure I talk about? I worry that she might come back with nasty words or tell me something I don't want to hear - is it better left?

I do today feel I have moved past the anger stage - which I think is good. I haven't told this to H yet, I need to be sure. I am now trying to concentrate on myself and move on, be strong and think about our relationship and family. Oh, I am getting emotional as I write this. I just don't want this destroying me any more - I have a toddler and a baby on the way to think about. I also do believe that he has made a mistake but we have so much together. Even over the last four weeks we have shared some special moments - I know we will survive. The next stage is when we are in bed together, that I no longer think about what happened between them. I'm sure this will happen.

[AnnieP]

I wrote a letter with a view to emailing it about 6 weeks ago. I found the exercise very theraputic. I did not send it. I read it every now and again, and make adjustments according to how I am feeling now. I am amazed with myself at how it is changing.
In the depths of my despair 4 weeks ago, I actually dialled her mobile number to talk to her. Thank goodness she didn't answer. It would have been a huge mistake, although at the time I felt cheated.
Hang onto it for a while is my advice Suzi

[Bouncy]

I also think you should hang on to the e-mail.
Just writing it will have been therapeutic and it may be helpful somewhere down the line to measure how well you are coping.
Don't send it honey!

[Suzi2000]

Thanks guys, I did wonder if people who wrote these letters actually sent them. On reflection, I think the exercise was therapeutic and I don't know what I would achieve by sending it. I have written letters to H some I sent some I didn't. I think it is all part of the process. Maybe in the future, but not now. I know it is weird but I do feel a bit sorry for her, she has a beautiful family and she is going to throw it all away - I don't think H will be her last.

I think I will keep it as you said, I think it might help when I am feeling down.

Thanks

[jools]

Hi Suzi
I also agree that you should hang onto it. Even though I went to see ow I never wrote a letter. For me it was about looking into her eyes and reading the body language. I actually wanted to find stuff out that writing a letter wouldn't have achieved. Also there is no lasting record of what I said that day.
Jools X
________
Uggs (http://uggstoreshop.com/)

[claudia.35]

Don't send it. I too have written letters I never sent as it's a gr8 way of venting anger. But what will it achieve? What are you hoping will happen. The OW wont care about your feelings, they never do. If they did they couldn't have stolen our Hs in the first place! I was going to meet with the OW (the OW in my case was once a friend!), but I knew it would achieve nothing, she wouldn't say what i wanted to hear, it would just hurt me more.

cx

[Lauz]

Suzi - As you know, I wrote an email to the OW. I did keep it in draft for some time and made adjustments accordingly. I agree it was very theraputic to get the feelings all out and down on paper. It helped me with my anger. I found myself more angry at her than my h at times! The OW h left her (not sure of the reasons why) and I just could not blieve she could do this to someone else! During the early days I had a real urge to pick up the phone or go and see her and give her a piece of my mind. The counselor said if it would help me, then I should, but to keep my head and remain dignified. In the end, the email / letter was the option for me.

I had to send it to give me closure. The OW replied very quickly also. For me it was about telling her what she had done to me and that my h was going through something in his life and she had not helped him. If she wanted to be his friend, she certainly had not been a genuine friend! I told her to keep out mine and my h's personal life and to seek some help for herself. She admitted she had some issues she needed to address.

You have to do what you think is right for you. If you want to send it, then send it. Can it really make matters any worse for you? Does it really matter what your h thinks of you contacting her? In my opinion your h should be proud that you are standing up for what you believe in.

L.