Cold showers?

[kaye09]

OK, What Im going to say might prompt an angry response from some people on here. But believe me, Im trying to sort things out properly. Thats why I need some advice.

Ive posted on here a couple of times about my issues with my husband. I have managed to get to the point where he understands how I feel, he wants to work at it but has a few things he needs to get past first. i.e. all his extra time and energy has to be spent elsewhere at the moment. I understand that, and have decided to wait until he is in a place where we can both deal with this.

However, I am developing a crush on another person. I wish I wasn't. I don't want to do anything. I am commited to sorting my marriage out, but I cant get these feelings out of my mind.

I know why its happening. Its just the positive attention, I think. Wouldn't want a relationship with him, but its already clouding my judgement. I found myself drifting off into thoughts and H asked me what I was smiling about.

I need to focus on H. Hes managed to get some time off work soon so we can spend time together. Im so glad.

I know there are people on here who will think Im a complete b*t**, but Im trying to stop myself from doing something stupid. I have been so lonely for months now. Somehow, plucking up the courage to finally deal with it has boosted my confidence, at a time when it has shaken H's.

There are a million reasons why I wouldn't cheat, but the feelings are there. I need to get rid of this.

Help.

[pmoon]

Hi Kaye09, Firstly i dont think that you are a complete bxxxh. From what you have posted and without further detail, all i can say is that you appear to have become confused about your feelings. Regardless of wether people like to hear it or not, sometimes it is possible to feel attracted, fancy, other people whilst in a relationship. What this means, however, can vary wildly.

In my opinion (and it is only my opinion), and experience, it is very rarely useful to become involved with someone else whilst in a relationship. I know it happens, but if you want to try and examine what is going in on in your existing relationship are you able to say that becoming invovled with someone else will help that? Answer (to yourself) as thruthfully as you can! You are already saying that your judgement has become clouded!

You also talk of confidence! Recieving attention from the opposite sex can for many help bolster feelings of self esteem, self esteem that may have become lowered because of the amount of time that has been available to both of you in the relationship. This is all just guesswork, only you know what has been going on in your head and your heart.

Keep posting, keep talking.

Paul

[Bouncy]

Hi Kaye,
You musn't feel bad for feeling attracted to someone else, especially as you know why you are feeling that way and don't intend to act upon it.
I went through a similar predicament 3 years into our marriage and it's a very confusing time.
I didn't act upon my feelings but have to admit that being wanted like that when my hubby seemed to have lost all interest was wonderful.
I actually took the bull by the horns and told my OH that I was feeling attracted to someone else and explained why. It was a very risky thing to do and I wouldn't recommend it to anyone else but I was lucky. He'd no idea just how bad it had got because he'd been so busy sorting himself out. We had a long talk and he made me realise that he did love me but had got to the stage where he was taking me for granted. He just assumed I knew how he felt. I explained that I didn't need huge romantic gestures, I just needed to hear from him that he knew I existed and was important to him.
In the end it strengthened our marriage and now he tells me every day that he loves me, even if he has to just send it in a text because he's so busy.
Hang on in there, I'm sure your OH would be really upset if he knew how much you are hurting.
Good luck honey, and as the above post says, keep talking!

[jools]

Hi Kaye
Men must be like buses - either none or two come along at once! You lucky girl! (Sorry, couldn't resist that one!)
Jools
________
Infant Depakote (http://www.classactionsettlements.org/lawsuit/depakote/)

[kaye09]

Thank you for being so understanding. Bouncy, your circumstances sound very similar. I wish I could admit these feelings to H. One of the reasons we are having trouble is anger management, another is poor comunication.

For nearly a month now I have been thinking about leaving. Ive got to the point of spending time away at my family home which has only served to make things worse.

I think what is making this more difficult, more so than the positive attention, is that the 'other one' ... lets call him P, is so like me. We have loads in common and encourage each other all the time. Very much how H and I started out.

In fact, of all my friends P is the one helping me keep things in perspective and actually batting for my husband. He knows the struggle Im having but plays devils advocate, which is a real help...most of my other friends/family would be over the moon if I walked. They think Ive made some strange decisions since my mum died 4 years ago (before I met my husband) and that Im getting back to the 'old kaye' but it is important for me to try with H, long term.

We have had the opportunity to do something daft now a few times and have laughed at each other, said 'better not' and walked away. Too close for my liking.

I just wish I could switch it off. I have even deleted Ps number from my phone to stop myself from ringing/texting him. To make sure we only talk around other people.

Ill just keep that up until H finishes his project and has time to work on things with me. I hope we end up stronger as a result of this upheaval. I know H is miserable at the moment because Im forcing him to confront things that he doesn't want to.

Fingers crossed xxx