Why has my husband become spiteful?

[Sparky]

Hi, I had a great husband and marriage it seemed for 13 years but this has now totally changed in the last year. It started with him stopping intimacy altogether he started saying he thinks of me as a sister, and he now sleeps in the other bedroom. He then threw off his wedding ring 2 days before our anniversary in July, and when I recently returned from a week of compulsory study school he announced he had a flat arranged in London somewhere and would be moving into it in early September as well as discovering he had signed up to a dating agency online! Since this I have received a solicitor's letter telling me to seek legal advice as divorce papers are on there way. By the way he wants me to stay in our house until damp repairs are sorted and to prevent it being burgled and then eventually either wants the house to be sold or keep on hold in case he wants to put a stop to the divorce in 6 or 8 months time.
The thing is I know it sounds pathetic but I am so scared because he controls everything so its in his favour and seems to delight in watching my face when he continually throws another rebuff at me.
He now wants half our savings so he can buy a car and other items but I told him he would have to wait to see what a solicitor said (I know he is due this but am worried he will leave me to pay everything for sorting damp problem out).

[1aokgal]

Dear Sparky...

So sorry you have been given such a nasty shock (and a nasty guy, it seems.) Take him at his word..go get a good lawyer..put the costs to him. Make sure there is no money in the accounts or no accounts still joint.

Tell him he can move NOW...not in September. Get him out NOW. Then...CHANGE THE LOCKS right away so he has NO access to the home without you being there AND a witness if he cares to pick up clothing. Any belongings will be decided with lawyer. Don't you move out of the home until you absolutely have to. Takes months to legally get you out. That is free rent for you. He can't sell it without your signature if in both names. If you move out of the home then he claims desetion as if this is all your fault. You are an adult woman who just got shafted. Get a backbone fast and get help/advice fast so this man does not run the show.

I sure bet there has to be someone else on the side as he is moving so quick. That sounds as if someone else is giving him an ultimatum to get divorce rolling. I bet he has been two timing all along. Not a bad Idea to have a girlfriend help to track/watch him. I bet there is another woman. Good to have this info when divorce is negotitated. Hope you have a job and family for support network. Count yourself lucky to offload this creep as how many more years might you waste?

Do not be Miss nice person as he has played as dirty as it gets. Don't let him fool you and try any fake emotion/sex tricks..he is a schemer/cad. Believe nothing he says. Give him a dose of his own. So sorry for you. Be strong. Be nasty. Protect yourself..you do not know this man. He lies when he opens his mouth.

[Bouncy]

If he decides to call the divorce off, you go ahead anyway.
Don't give him any money until things are sorted and keep an eye on your bank account. The man sounds like a complete **** and I can only advise you make sure you know where you stand legally.
You are better off without him!

[Sparky]

Hi there again and thanks for advice - yes I have wondered if he has someone else.... he was very friendly with a work colleague at his former work place and sharted to change ie act as if he was a lot younger (10 Years) he started arranging to go to restaurants and shows we did not normally visit and I am sure she was there - could have been innocent however I did feel he was getting infatuated when he spoke of this person he went all gooey and said how she had had a hard life having a kid at 16 and being dumped etc. (which is tough yes) but progressively he has become hard towards me which was something he would never had done before... however it turns out recently he said she wanted a local boyfriend with long hair and into music and that she wanted to visit discos which ruled him out!!! yes I know he now thinks he can say this to me and knows that I take it - actually I am gobsmacked and are aware that he is so arrogant and a law unto himself and this is the problem he provides all the goods and feels he has me over a barrel and he said I have bit the hand that feeds.... he means I have answered back and said that it is not right for a married man to act in this way hence ring thrown off and callous treatment ...yes I know I sound like I do not have a backbone but I feel downtrodden over time I never was like this and long to get back to the original me!

[1aokgal]

Get back to YOU by getting rid of HIM. Plot your game plan and realize he is a looser. This will never make you happy. He is a selfish pig who is playing you and even trots out stories about other women to make you feel inadequate. UGH! What bad treatment.

You must have had a sad childhood to settle for so cheap a situation? Make plans....get him out as soon as possible. Get a job...get a life. Time is moving on and the longer he is in your life the more damaged you become. Go to co-dependent group meetings if you need some understanding and help. Good luck.

[Sparky]

Get back to YOU by getting rid of HIM. Plot your game plan and realize he is a looser. This will never make you happy. He is a selfish pig who is playing you and even trots out stories about other women to make you feel inadequate. UGH! What bad treatment.

You must have had a sad childhood to settle for so cheap a situation? Make plans....get him out as soon as possible. Get a job...get a life. Time is moving on and the longer he is in your life the more damaged you become. Go to co-dependent group meetings if you need some understanding and help. Good luck.

Hi there yes I did suffer abuse as a child and I am aware that I must seek a partner who seems initially very kind but seems to turn out to be controlling and I become sort of frozen and believe that I have no right to be decently treated and yet I know it should not be like that ie currently he is having a weeks hols and said if he meets someone he will go off with them! I hate this and myself for having to take this but I do not have much choice because he pays for everything and I will be stuck with a house to sort until it can be put on the market while he will be in a flat and looking to start a relationship with someone because he says he is lonely!!

[1aokgal]

Sparky.........

How do you eat an elephant? One bite at a time. What do I mean? You have a lot piled on your plate. It did not get there overnight. This is years in making and assisting this situation to occur, right?

Now you just take one fire exit at a time...menaing keep a journal...hidden of course..that says this is what needs to be done today. Then you prioritize the needs list. You will be moving in future. Take a saturday and clean out the closets, garage or where you have stuff that needs to go to a charity group, consignment shop or TRASH.

Letting GO of THINGS..lighten up the STUFF. Then you take a look at YOU. YUP, strip down and look. What needs to change? Hair, weight, outlook and you work on that. Locate a help group..as co-dependent or join a church or find counselling and many churches have free counselling.
Do NOT get in a discussion with him. He can leave it in a note on te table...period.

You are not at his disposal to make demands. Pick a friend and pick a night that is your night. Plan to go out to movie, go for a long walk ...whatever. That is how you get the pile of things you need to do smaller. Then you will feel more in control and more enabled. Yesterday is gone. We can only change tomorrow.

Smile. It will be better. I promise you that.

[1aokgal]

PS ...he is an A..... That will not change. Lucky you..you offload him.

[Sparky]

PS ...he is an A..... That will not change. Lucky you..you offload him.

Thanks for your advice I get your meaning - I do not seem to have a problem with hair,weight how I look (I mean that in a modest way) I do not seek it but I seem to get along well with people in general but I have recently discovered that my husband seems to look at masses of online sites re adult friend finder, sugar daddy seeking intimacy etc I'm sure a lot of men look but I am scared as this is excessive coupled with non intimacy with me does not good does it, I have to mention he has a slipped disc....I think i know what you are going to say.!! but is this a mid life crisis he did not seem to be like this before

[Bouncy]

Mid-life crisis or not you don't become spiteful overnight. He's probably done it gradually so you wouldn't notice. In my opinion you are now living with his real self and you need to get out.
Don't say anything to him yet. Carry on being your normal self in front of him but mentally get your head together and start making plans.
My sister had an a*** of a husband but she finally managed to pull herself out of the subservient person he had made her and got out. She now has a husband who loves her unconditionally and she has a beautiful daughter.
You can do it, keep telling yourself that!
Do you have anyone you can turn to for support?

I wish you look in getting out of this relationship.
Remember, you can do it!

[Sparky]

Thanks Bouncy I am beginning to think this is the case i.e. he has always been like that deep down, he is potentially a very powerful man (money wise and calculating) and I do not live near family have no job and am quite isolated however I do have a good friend and sister in law but the only contact is by phone they live 200 miles away. I am looking for ways to build my self-esteem, he is moving out soon and I know that he will be picking up women but will be back at week-ends I need to protect myself against this as this will make me feel rock-bottom I should not have to feel like this!!
there is no regret on his part about how he is acting he thinks its his right to act like a single man while I feel broken in two....