I'm slowly being destroyed

[aqua]

I don't understand how my husband has become so cold, calculating and cruel.

For weeks I've been trying by email to sort something out re: finances, house and the children with not a peep out of H. Now a get a long winded email stating he's stopped all payments on the house, wants to take over the lives of the children. Basically, I'll only house and clothe them. He still hasn't asked for a divorce. I have very little money coming in.

I feel he's driving me to an early grave. I cried on the phone to my mum and my children (who I thought were in bed) heard me say I just want to die. I feel worthless, useless and I'm slowly being destroyed. Do you know what? He's winning this battle.

I should have been a better wife. H siad as much to the children.

Take care folks
aqua

[jools]

Hey, Aqua! Come on - you're stronger than this! He's been acting like a tw*t for a while now but you can handle this. She's influencing him and he's in complete and utter basta*d, selfish mode.
I feel worthless, useless and I'm slowly being destroyed. Why are you allowing him to make you feel like this? You should be in combat mode! For you AND your children. Do you know what? He's winning this battle.Then don't bloody let him!!! Cumon, girl! You got more in you than this. Rise to the challenge and show him NOT to mess with you!
On a more practical level - why do you have very little money coming in? Are you teaching part time or do you have a very big mortgage that you can't cover? Any way you could boost your earnings or lower your overheads? There's gotta be a way through this - think - without getting demoralised.
Jools XXX

PS) I finished typing my reply then had a moment of insight. It's this - I don't understand how my husband has become so cold, calculating and cruel.Your H is doing EXACTLY what I told OOTB on another thread that I did to get over my H. You employ "anger" and switch off any compassion - because compassion makes everything unravel and makes it harder for you to follow through what you have decided to do - which was leave your spouse (in the case of your H) or fall out of love with and get over your spouse (in my case). That's why he's incapable of feeling or showing compassion for you. Just a thought. X
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[aqua]

Thanks jools and billyboy.

Can't sleep.
Trouble is I'm standing on the edge looking in to the abyss....

My husband knows about my past and is using tactics to drive me back to the bad place me found me in nearly 21 years ago. He's the one who helped pull me back last time and here he is pushing me towards it this time.

Take care
aqua

[johnj]

aqua I know where you are and it wouln't be long before you are looking back at yourself and wondering how you could have let someone make you feel this way. Not to long ago a friend told me that I need to find myself and understand my needs, made me mad, than I did it. You are a very strong and compasonate person with alot to offer you need to see this. Weather or not your S is cold or not you need to be clear about your needs. What happens happens you have the power to control your life. Had more good advise on you problem as mine is similar S hasn't gotten the D yet because it is a show, S has just asked you to change. What needs to happen is growth.

[claudia.35]

Aqua I fully understand you're in the pit of dispair and at the lowest point at the moment. The man we loved has become someone different. I think it's the only way they can justify their actions, they convince themselves that how they are acting is right. If they show us kindness we may get the wrong signs. I know it's hard as I am going thru the same, but you need to be strong for your children. They deserve a happy mum. I know you get sick of the fighting and ask is it worth it. Of course it is, you have done nothing wrong. Remember you are the one who is there for your children and one day they will realise that. Please find the inner strength to stay strong. It's not about winning, it's about being happy and you deserve that. No matter what your husband does you will always have a home, he CANNOT take that from you. He legally has to provide that. If he stops payments get onto your lawyer and they will take him to court. If things get bad the government will rehome you, you will always have a home! As for money are you claiming single parent benefits? If not, do that immediately. Do you work at all? Things seem hard I know, but there is help and support out there. Dont give up! We need to show those shallow men we cannot and will not be walked over.

Good luck

cx

[callow]

Hi aqua

You said "I feel he's driving me to an early grave". You have been in the passenger seat while he is driving along.

Push him out of the car, and take control. You are now the driver.

You need to see a solicitor. You may need to start divorce proceedings to look after yourself and the children.

I am afraid that he is only looking after himself. He will readily replace you with his new woman and try to set up a cosy family. Do not allow this to happen.

Sally

[Ginger God]

Aqua...

This is going to sound really crap...but stop wallowing..the quicker you take control the better. I keep saying on this forum that I am proof that there is life after separation. I cannot remember when I was last as happy as I am now. But you have to do something positive..get a lawyer and stick it right up him from every conceivable angle.
He is on a guilt trip and will blame everybody apart from himself.
My wife who had the guy move in with her 3 months after I left.. maintains that she didnt have an affair with him. Thats what you are up against. Utter bollocks and lies at every angle.

Now be a good girl, get your arse into gear and do something....NOW..thats an order.:eek:

Graham

[Raymond]

Aqua what happened to you 21 yrs ago is something which happened to you. It's not who you are, only something that happened to you a long time ago. There's no reason why it should happen again. It's time to be brave and not to be dependant on this fellow who seems to be in control of you. That is bad in anyone's book. You can make it on your own although it will be hard to start with. Once you have managed to be independant you will be ready for the right person on equal terms or co-dependent if you like.

Raymond

[aqua]

Hi folks
Thanks for all your support and for giving me a well deserved kick up the backside. It's just so hard to cope with the fact that someone who has been loving for 20 years, can in the space of a few months, become so cold and out to ruin me.

I have been doing so well for months. I thought I'd got through the worst, obviously not.

I did manage to take the children out for the day and that took my mind off things. Going away for the week on Saturday up to my parents to get away from it all and see the family solicitor.

GG - yes sir right away sir!! However......If I don't do what I'm told, what's my punishment, sir?

Last night I really thought I was on the egde. Now I'm a few steps back from it.

Take care everyone

aqua

[aqua]

Hi Raymond

I think the trouble is I was becoming too independent as far as my husband was concerned. He had seen himself as my protector and helping me out of the bad place all those years ago. He believed this, but as far as I'm concerned it was not true, but I never told him that.

Yes, Raymond, he probably thinks by acting in this way he is controlling me again and I'm letting him.

Last night my youngest said daddy thinks you didn't want him anymore. Not true as far as I'm concerned.

Funnily enough, the OW has many issues including alcoholism.

aqua