my husband left me for my friend.

[claudia.35]

I am very new to this but in need of some friendly advice and help. 4 months ago i believed i was in a happy marriage with 2 beautiful children. Then one fateful day I opened the door to my friends husband to be told my husband and my friend were having an affair. My world fell to pieces in that instant, a double betrayal two people I trusted. My husband admitted the affair, said it had only been going on 3 weeks (something i fail to believe),but that he loved her. He moved out and that was 4 months ago. He now lives with my so called friend and I have to see her daily as our children are in the same class at school. I am struggling to move on as my ex is determined to make our children part of his new life with this woman and it pains me greatly to know he is with her round the corner. I don't know what to do for the best. I want to move as far away as i can to escape distance myself from the pain, but the children need to see their father right? I feel I have been replaced by my friend. My husbands family have turned their backs on me and welcomed this new woman into their lives! I have been hurt by people I thought I could trust, his family entertain this new woman so is a liar and a cheat, how could they? If anyone out there has moved on from such a horid situation or can give me some hope. Pls help.

thank you.

[jools]

Hi Claudia
Whichever way I try to get my head round this one I tend to go with your first instinct...
I want to move as far away as i can to escape distance myself from the pain, I'm not even going to justify why --- I know that's what i'd do. I think it stinks the way him and his family are treating you. I'd want to get away from them all and start again.
Jools XX
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[AnnieP]

So would I Claudia. Why shouldn't you move away if all of those around you have treated you this way? You have the right to be happy, and if living where you are isn't making you so, then move to somewhere else, where you can relax a little and start to rebuild your life! Your children being in the same school as her children will not be healthy either, so go for it!
Keep posting
xxx

[claudia.35]

Hi Jools

I want to run away, but the children seem happy with the situation, they knew this other woman and we were all friends once. They like her and her children, so it's only me that is finding this so hard. Also if I move away I leave friends and my mum who has been a rock in helping me cope. I am desperate for them to move but they wont. I feel so trapped and don;t know what to do for the best. And the worst thing of all is i still love the b******d!

[claudia.35]

Hi Annie

I don't know where to move to, it seems so much disruption for my children. They have lost their daddy, their home and now may have to move school too. They seem happy with the situation they like my so called friend and enjoy playing with her children when they see dad. It's me that cant seem to move on. I know I cant keep witnessing them playing happy families, but how far do I move? I was thinking of moving to the next town along, but the situation wont go away, she would still be part of my children' s lives. I think that's the bit that I am struggling with, sharing my children with a woman I cannot stand! xx

[jools]

Claudia, you are in an impossible situation. I feel angry just reading this. How old are your children? It's only their youth and innocence that's allowing your H, his family and the home wrecker to get away with this! My girls were 14 an 17 when my H left so they knew exactly what was going on and my eldest d has threatened to rip the ow limb from limb if she ever sees her (her words!) Unfortunately, yours are too young to see the injustice of the situation. At the very least i'd consider a new school to have a little less contact. I know it's probably completely the wrong thing to do but I think i'd encourage my kids to look unfavourably on this ow. Let them know that "Nasty X stole daddy" - I mean why should she be seen as a lovely person in your children's eyes? She doesn't deserve that privilege. And if you are still miserable in a year's time (or whatever timespan you choose) then i'd re-consider that fresh start elsewhere.
Jools X
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[markus]

The best revenge and justice when someone takes your partner is to let them know and know yourself that they are welcome to each other
The odds are against them having a successfull relationship so sit back and wait for their misery to unfold
he'll come back sooner or later with the sorry face and you tell him to **** off

[outoftheblue]

Claudia, I really feel for you and the pain you are experiencing at the moment is understandably unbearable. Your H is behaving in the most appalling way emotionally blackmailing you and using his children in the process.

I tend to agree with Jools, you really must portray ow as the 'daddy-stealer.' If you just roll over and allow him to continue pretending his new family is a normal extension to their lives and your children think you are ok with this then you are effectively giving them the wrong moral message.

Your children must be quite young and your H is using their friendship with her kids to make it seem like one big adventurous playdate/sleepover. They cannot make an objective opinion about their Daddy leaving you and breaking up their family as he is seeing to it that all is positive and fun when they are with him and ow.

For your own sake and as part of their upbringing they need to know that what Daddy has done with ow is wrong. Wrong for them, wrong for you and wrong in everyday society. The fact that their paternal grandparents condone this is also wrong.

Unfortunately if you do take a moral stance on this the chances are your children will for a while see you as the bad guy. But sadly as proper parents we have to sometimes make the unpopular choice for the greater good. If your child stole a sweet from a shop would you make them take it back and own up, facing the consequences possibly getting punished and them hating you for it or would you turn a blind eye and carry on as normal?

It will be hard for you, but I think you should take the children out of school and move a little way away, but close enough to still see your own family and other friends. Explain why and allow your H to see his children but not at her house or in her company.

Keep strong and believe in yourself. In the long run your children will respect you for it and more importantly you will respect yourself.

Good luck
Cxx

[claudia.35]

Jools

My children are 6 and 3 and at such impressionable ages. I have said to my husband that I wont condon her being part of their lives, but he says they need to feel part of his new life and legally I don't have a leg to stand on, which is true. Thank you for your words of comfort, its nice to know that there are still people out there with morals and values. I could never treat anyone the way I have been treated. What kills me is I spent 17yrs of my life with the man! I know one day his decision will bite him on the bum, but it hurts to know that it will have destroyed everything we had just for him to realise that!

[claudia.35]

Hi

thank you so much for your kind words. I have honestly never experienced pain like I have been in the past few months. I just want it all to go away but know I need to be strong for my children. I want them to be bought up with morals and values and know that what their dad has done is wrong. I also want him to see the children without her present, but legally I cannot enforce that and he knows that! I will continue to be strong and will move away to distance myself a little and start a fresh.

thank you again

cx

[AnnieP]

Claudia, I am so sorry for you. You are clearly trying to do the right thing for your children. Yes they do have a right to see their father, but on your terms. He negated that right to make decisions when he walked out on you all. Come on, be strong here. Do you really want to move away from it all, or are you hoping that by staying nearby and being amenable, things might change?
I am trying to win my husband back, so there is no shame in that!
You have to do what is right for you. This will also be the right thing for your children. They need a happy mother more than a weekend dad.

[claudia.35]

HI all

I know you're all right I do need to do something to make me happier and Annie you're right it needs to be on my terms, it can be so hard enforcing them as husband just does what he want anyway, then i stop him seeing kids, and then they get upset. It's all a viscious circle. And Markus I hope u r right and that one day he will come grovling back, but I don't know what happens to these men, they become aliens and the man I am seeing now is cetainly not the man I married. He is different he has no morals and no compassion to treat me like this. Is that because of guilt or is it because he truly doesn't love me any more? I guess I will never know the answer to that.

I have now read more of your threads too, and have come to realise what a cruel world we live in. People can be so heartless. But experience will make us stronger, so lets all stick together and be strong! Coz we all deserve happiness. take care all xx

[jools]

Thanks, Claudia. You too. :) XXX
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