Do I give in and accept porn?

[New Wife]

Hello everyone,

I need an outside perspective on an ongoing issue in my relationship. Porn. This is a very long post so I apologise in advance.

My husband and I got together almost 5 years ago and we were both blissfully happy. He proposed after 2 months and after a 3 year engagement we got married. I'm 26 with a high sex drive and we had (good) sex all the time. I found porn on our computer a few times and a magazine, after each time I went mad and we had a long discussion about it. I made it clear that I am not willing to accept it in a relationship - as far as I am concerned if you are lusting after another woman in the flesh or otherwise you are being unfaithful. He agreed that he wouldn't do it again and was sorry for hurting me but that it wasn't about me and he thought I was the sexiest thing in the world. He works abroad a lot and I can't not trust him as I knew it would just drive me crazy so I took his word for it, put it to the back of my mind and carried on. I really like dressing up for him, taking sexy pics on my phone and sending them to him while he was away and he loved it too.

I then found a few videos that he had watched on his computer, quite ugly girls dancing in their underwear - not hardcore porn but for some reason the mild stuff upsets me more as at least if it was a man and a woman having sex it may be the act that gets him off rather than just the woman. I said it was the last straw and I'd had enough. He begged me for my forgiveness and I gave it, once again.

A week or so later his friend from work told him about a file sharing site that he could download and get free programmes/music on. Of course I was suspicious and told him so. He promised me he would not look at porn or anything like that so I trusted him and got on with it.

Then about 6 weeks later I needed to use his laptop as our desktop computer was broken, he'd downloaded a new Google tool where you could search for any files on your computer. His last searches were 'porn' and 'sex' Obviously to make sure he'd covered his tracks appropriately. I confronted him and he broke down saying how sorry he was and that someone from work had borrowed his computer and said 'I put something on there for you' that it was 1 video of a woman masturbating and he'd got off to it and deleted it. I told him I didn't want to talk to him and he cried his eyes out blah blah blah. I needed to go into the recycle bin on our computer and found a picture on there called 'Jo Guess arse pic' (1 video my arse!) I didn't recognise the file restore path that it gave (I thought if I restore it I'd find the hidden folder) Then I suddenly thought about the external harddrive he'd asked me to buy for him so I attached it to the computer and recovered the file. On there I found a folder buried deeply within others with a folder of pictures, naked women, ugly women, just pictures of girls faces) I was devastated. I confronted him again. Same old same old. The next night when he went to work I opened the file sharing programme he uses. He hadn't deleted his file history. It turned out that for a month solid he had been on there downloading pictures and movies everyday while i was at work (he wasn't working for that month), all day solidly from the time he got up to the time I got back from work. Not just porn but girls in general (clothed and semi/naked) That again is one of the most upsetting parts - why the need to look at dressed women?

I called in tears and called his bluff. I said 'you've been messaging one of them. I can see it' and he said he had asked for more pictures of one girl specifically, not to her but a general posting for the other file sharers. A very plain, I would go as far to say unattractive, brunette girl who looks about 20.

At this point in our lives we had just bought a flat together and were preparing to move in, our wedding was about 5 months away, my dad had just spent over £25k on a honeymoon for us and I couldn't believe he would do what he had done after everything we had been through. Throughout that month we had had so much fun, continued to have great sex and so it wasn't as if he wasn't getting it at home.

I didn't eat for 6 days and he couldn't either as he was apparently so devastated at what he had done to me. I called the wedding off but after a few weeks we got back together. He said he had done it as he was insecure and felt bad about himself as he had put on weight and he said that everyone at his work is always commenting on how beautiful I am (not that I agree with them!) and always asking him how a fat bastard like him got me. How the f&ck has that got anything to do with anything?!! So he said he did it to make himself feel better and when he found out how easy it was to download he couldn't stop. I am not the most confident person as I had an ex who used to call me fat etc. I know now it was because he was insecure of losing me and I know I'm not fat (I'm 5'8", 8 1/2 stone and a size 8/10) When I met my husband though my confidence went through the roof as he never stopped telling me how beautiful I was and I felt like a Queen. Maybe that's why this all hurt me so much more.

I told him I would only marry him on the condition he would never do this again and please to not marry me if he was going to.

He's done it again since, I found pictures he'd looked at on his phone and he told me he'd bought a porn mag kept it for a few days and then threw it away. I have gone to a woman's support group for people affected by sexual addiction and he agreed to see someone too but then reverted to think that I have the problem, all men do it and I need to sort my insecurities out because it doesn't mean he doesn't love me any less and I'm better than all of those girls. He also said I should be happy he looks at it as it keeps him sexual and interested. I tried to compromise and said that I would accept him looking at a porn film as a visual aid if he needs to masturbate on the condition that we chose it together and got something I felt comfortable with. He said that would solve the problem as that's all he needs it for and any porn would do.

That didn't work as since then he's driven to Soho during the day while I'm at work and bought a porn film and borrowed his friends Zoo mag at work to do you know what to.

I have never recovered and our relationship hasn't either. I am an insecure, jealous, paranoid wreck and our sex life is non existent. I don't feel sexy like I used to, I don't want to send pictures to him as I feel degraded and feel like a joke. I can't watch a programme without getting upset because there's always someone that I know he downloaded pictures of or I can't go out without having a go at him as now I think he's getting turned on by every woman that walks passed.

We are at breaking point now and I've come to the realisation that he isn't going to stop even if it breaks my heart or not. And if he did stop he wouldn't be doing it because he wanted to and would still long to look at this material so I would still be upset.

I either accept it and try to see it from his perspective (that it's just light relief?!) or get a divorce and try to move on with my life.

I don't want to do that and then have this problem with every man and realise that all men do do it and I lost the love of my life.

I know this post was long (Sorry) but I'd really appreciate your help x

[Bouncy]

Oh where to start?
I don't object to Porn in general.
I think it has it's uses in society just like everything does.
If you were refusing to have sex with your husband or if you were unwilling to be creative in the bedroom then I could understand it.
It sounds like you are happy to have sex and want to try and please your OH so I would be concerned that he still needs this outlet.
I think while porn is something you are both open about it's O.K.
The problem is when he becomes secretive about it and lying to you.
That's when you feel like he is cheating on you.
It sounds like your OH has got to an addictive stage and I think you'll struggle to make him stop.
What you musn't do is let it affect your self esteem. This isn't a reflection on you at all. It's him that has the problem!
I can't really advise you what to do but I know I wouldn't be able to live like that. I would confront him with an ultimatum and if he didn't stop he would have to go. Otherwise I'd be worried he'd end up ruining my life as well as his. It sounds harsh but that's the only way I'd be able to keep sane.
Like I said though, the decision has to be yours, just make sure you keep yourself respect whatever your decision.
Good luck honey.

[New Wife]

Thanks Bouncy. I have given him that ultimatum so many times. I have said if you want it and can't stop that's fine, that's your choice but be fair and let me make my own choice because I don't want to live with it so we can go our own separate ways. I said that before we got married even and he put the ring back on my finger saying of course he would choose me and stop the porn. I've given that ultimatum again since. I guess he's made his choice huh?

That's just what I don't understand - if he says that this being such a mundane thing and means so little then how could he be willing to lose his wife over it? Can someone really be happier single with a bunch of pictures of women he'd never ever know or can't interact with?

Anyway. Thanks again.

[Raymond]

I cannot believe you are saying porn is alright after all that's been written on this site. It is a mental adultery nothing less and will take away the intimacy of any marriage. I'd get out while you can new wife otherwise you risk the scenarios that we read about again and again on this site.

Raymond

[danielx]

I thought I'd posted a reply to this, but it seems to have gone - perhaps it just wasn't popular - it certainly didn't agree with what most people would like said, but it was my opinion.

Relationships, communication and understanding are the problems here, not porn. Porn is just a convenient label that can be used to avoid thinking deeper about the real issues. If porn is bad, then no porn must be good! This is faulty thinking. If you cannot see exactly what the problem is then it will not be resolved in any satisfactory way.

I agree with Raymond on one point - you should get out of this relationship. Either that, or realise that the relationship needs to develop beyond the point that it is currently at, and then do something about it.

DX

[Raymond]

Yes but porn is affecting the relationship Daniel. You cannot play this down. It affects the most intimate part of a marriage.

Raymond

[seaview]

Yes but porn is affecting the relationship Daniel. You cannot play this down. It affects the most intimate part of a marriage.

Raymond

Yes but one has to ask why that is the case.Porn may be used because there is no intimate part of the marriage.Therfore Porn could be a symptom of a breakdown of intimacy.

Surely if the marriage is meeting both partners sexual needs the there would be no need for the use of Porn.

[Raymond]

I agree that maintaining good sexual intimacy is more likely to safeguard a man from porn. I can also see that a man will be tempted more to it when this intimacy has broken down, although that can never make the porn right.

And you are right Seaview if the marriage is meeting both partners needs there wouldn't be a need of porn. There are exceptions however where a man enters the marriage with the habit and cannot shake it off in spite of the fact that the wife is doing her very best sexually. These are very sad cases where the porn has hooked a person even when there is the possibility of a good marriage with good intimacy there to enter into.

So I half agree with you. Men can be weak and do the wrong thing where the sexual relationship has broken down, but we have to take the responsibiliy for entering into it and not blame our wives for it when we chose to do it, but yes good sexual intimacy will build a stronghold against it in most cases.

Raymond

[danielx]

New Wife,

I think you are being too hard on your husband. Reading your post, I can see that your husband is finding it hard to live up to your expectations and he is finding it hard not to feel guilty when he fails to do so. Throwing your father's generosity at him, is not going to make him feel good either - it is likely to be a blow to his male pride (we men are more vulnerable to these things than women think)

He feels ashamed that he views porn behind your back, but it is clearly not something that he can be open about with you. He does not want to upset you, but now the forbidden nature of porn is adding to the attraction.

I think he loves you very much, but this is now becoming perverted - he is moving into the role of a naughty schoolboy with a secret cache of dirty pictures. The porn seems to be token - you have mentioned that much of it is soft and not even showing attractive women. There is something going on here that you are missing and it is not to do with porn - it is to do with changes in the balance of your relationship.

Stop the ultimatums, stop the punishment - just let him look at it if he wants to. Don't make a big deal about it. If it makes him feel sexy then encourage him to come to you - do not re-inforce his solitary masturbation, because that re-inforces his sexual isolation from you. Show him the best of marriage and not the worst.

You need reassurance from him and he from you. The current situation is that you are witholding your love from him, like some kind of punishment. That cannot be reassuring for him in a husband role, which re-infoces the alternative role which is becoming stronger. The current pattern of behaviour should not be re-inforced and if he will not change, then you should. If you break the cycle in which your behaviour is playing a part then his behaviour should also change.

If you are unwilling to do this, then you should leave him. Do not waste time on ultimatums, they are doing more harm than good.

I think you have a better chance here than you realize - I wish you well.

DX