Don't know what to do

[johnj]

Hello Everybody

To start this site has done so much for me thru my process I can't start to say what it has meant to me. I have been affraid to post because thru all of my problems people here have been so supportive weather my post or not, that, in my state of mind could not stop others from beliving.

For the last six months the only thing on my mind was to fix my marriage. I have supported my ws thru all whilst I was dealing with me. I hit the threashold and said heck with it all. Do I really want to be with this person? Two weeks ago that is all I wanted now its about me. I gave the ultimatum last week NC (bad I know but just couldn't take it any more) a week ago.

Today was the day, at relate the day to decide, she was in tears and so confused, my heart was back in my belly. I know I have grown as a person in every aspect two weeks ago was the lowest of my life and now I am stronger than I have ever been.

W stated that she can clearly see the changes and growth I have made over the seperation but I am not sure I can see them in her ( we both got us here). The consler has suggested that at this point we should try to live together again for a determind period to see if we can work it out, after that we can have a better understanding of our paths. I have to try. I don't know if I can open myself again after all of this, seeing the light and all. I have to trust some one again.

Sorry I have not posted or helped others here but by the time I singed here I was in such a spot I would have been a bad person. I just am not sure what to do because everything I have worked for thru this might come true and now I am not sure if it the right thing. Trust your gut I have been told. What about trust your partner?

[AnnieP]

Hi John.
I don't know the answer to that one. I guess you just have to try it and see!
Many of us on this forum would love to be at a stage where both partners are back together, saying they will try to make it work and going to counselling. That is all very positive!
You must stand a good chance!
good luck and keep us posted!

[Raymond]

I wish you well Johnj. It is always worth saving a marriage. If you come through you both will have matured and learned so much. Regards it being difficult to open up yet again. Take your time. Be a bit patient with yourself. She must know it's difficult for you. Try to see her qualities and not dwell on her faults. Isn't that what we all want? See the glass as half full and not half empty.

Raymond

[johnj]

Thanks guys your replys have given me alot to think about and are so true and to the point.

I know my S is going thru a MLC triggered by the passing of her mother and that she is very confused. Unfortunatly for me I am still willing to do what ever it takes to work it out as I was no dummy to marry someone for the wrong reasons. I had to survive the death of my relationship on my own and have come out on the other end, stronger.

We agreed to move back with each other for 2 weeks and on the day she was to move back she decided that she was not willing to do that, cycling. I gave her the NC. S came back and said, I want to work it out but basically keep things the way they are. I have to keep supporting and taking care of our day to day.

The ultimatum from me was that I can not continue with the way things are anymore. I know that I can not force her back and don't want to as I would worry to much if S was doing it for me or our lifestyle.

S said that I should understand her confusion witch I do. However you have to make a stand to find out. S would like to spend time as opposed to living together again date. How do I help her confront her issues god knows I have mine. The ultimatum has helped but I feel I have thrust her into the pit that I was in.

[pmoon]

Hi Johnj, i am sorry to hear about your situation, and apologies for not posting sooner, like you, i have had alot of my own problems and have not felt useful enough, and quite frankly habe not had alot of energy to think anout other peoples problems. I hope you can appreciate where i am coming from.

I am detecting slight similarities with how you feel and how you have acted. The feelings of having done your bit but not seeing it in your wife, i can relate to. Also getting to the point where you think, to hell with it, i will do whats good for me. Plus giving an ultimatum, of sorts! Unfortunately when i did something similar and stated my case she ended up walking!

I would like to know how often you have been to relate, how many sessions? When we went, we only had about 5 sessions which were seperated by several weeks each time! I also know that my wife did not feel combfortable with the process and felt that she was being attacked all the time. If you dont mind me requesting an insight into your experiences, i think it might help me. Sorry to trouble at a time like this, and if its not what you want to be doing at the moment i understand.

Paul

[pmoon]

"How do I help her confront her issues god knows I have mine."


Just an after thought, but in my experience it is impossible to get people to confront their issues if they are not willing or able to. These ate two important ideas, 'willing' and 'able'. In order to be willing you have to acknowledge the problem! If your partner does not see a problem, how can she fix it? Subsequently, if she does see a problem, is she able to fix it, does she currently have the tools, the energy to fix it?Its like the alcoholics thing, in order to stop being an alcoholic you have to first admit you are an alcoholic! Stop me if im telling you to suck eggs, but its such an obvious idea that it sounds ridiculous if people dont think about it!

I feel that i really tried to fix myself and had also slipped into the role of councillor with my wife. I became tired of doing the fixing for both of us and became depressed and frustrated. Thats when i thought, right im picking up my ball and going home, play with yourself! Probably not a good move at the time, but i was not thinking straight, then again, maybe neither was she! Maybe i am too focused on problems and have to fix everything! When your depressed then life does seem to be saturated with problems!

My wife has acknowledged all the things that i have done on the past year or so to make life easier, but i cant see where she has made an equal amount of effort! Maybe i have been unwilling to see where she has tried and have just been to wrapped up in fear and worry to realise. However, the point i am making is that you may be thinking clearly and making perfect sense to yourself, but it is impossible to know what and why something is going on inside someone elses head. They are the ones that have to say it, and sometimes, re-say it, and then change what they have said.

Trust in other people can only be given, and in my opinion not earned! It is your decision to trust, trust again if you want to. Trust is not a bad thing, not a weakness, you seem to want to, you know what could happen. I hate to give direct advice, but if you feel you can trust someone, engage in that trust! I forgot how to trust, and maybe i had a reason, but without trust i feel that any relationship becomes limited. We can all get hurt, sometimes alot, sometimes a little, its our choice to take the risk!

Its a tough position to be in, especially when, like you, you will do whatever you can to make the marriage work. You sound very commited, i think its great that you are able to want to do that. Keep trying, post back of you want, hope its been useful. Sorry for waffling, but thats my style im afraid, good luck!

Paul

[johnj]

Hey Paul

We have been counsling for around 3 years of and on. More fore show to complaine about each other. When you go you need to talk for yourself instead of talk about you P. I wish I had used this resource more constuctivly instead of just air my greivences.

We are spending time everyday, conecting had a talk w S about her cycling, as I am now very open and honest. Made S mad. However explained my side and got a smooch.