Rebuild trust??

[Suzi2000]

Hi there, I recently posted to say my husband cheated but he was so so sorry and wanted to work it out.

I really love him and I feel he is trying - although I feel he still isn't talking to me as much as I need.

I am driving myself mad as every opportunity I have I'm checking his phone, trying to look at his email or history on the internet. I want to trust him as I really want to work things out but I feel that if I didn't know he was cheating before how can I know if he is doing it again. I question everything he does and try to listen into his calls when he is working from home. It is driving me mad as I've never been that type of person. He does seem to be trying and is being patient with me but I'm just so hurt as I don't understand how he could have done it in the first place.

I've even started to doubt what he has said about the whole affair - which is stupid. He was supposed to go and meet her and didn't, I've seem the email and I know he chose us over her before I even found out. Even though what he said to her hurts me I know he chose his family.

Can we work this out?? I'm just so worried about what the future holds for us.

[Me Too]

Hi Suzi,

Let me reassure you that what you are doing and what you are feeling is entirely natural.

My wife and I were in exactly the same position as you and your husband a while back, and she did exactly what you are doing. The answer? As far as I (as the one who had an affair) was concerned was to put a key logger on the computer and run it all the time, give her my mobile whenever she asked for it and generally accept that the 100% trust she had shown me before had, quite rightly, been reduced to zero as a result of my unquantifiable stupidity! Quite simply, I had nothing to hide any more and if it helped her to feel more comfortable and reassured that what I was telling her was the truth, then she had to do whatever she needed to do to. After all, why should she believe me about anything, after I had lied to her so badly in the recent past?

It's a long and hard process getting the trust back. But i've always regarded my wife's trust as something to look after, not something to keep - it can be taken back at any time.

Fortunately for me, we have attended counselling together and have been completely open and honest with each other from the time that my affair ended, and I am glad to say that we are happier now than we have ever been in our entire lives. I know that sounds cliched, but it is the truth.

So, don't hate yourself. You are completely normal. When all is said and done, you have been badly hurt and you need to protect yourself against it happening again - your husband will realise what a fortunate man he is to have a partner who is willing to give him a second (and final) chance, and if he really does regret what happened, will allow you to do what you need to to protect yourself.

I really do wish you both the very best. Stick with it, because there are ups, but there are a lot of downs too. Ride the waves, and you'll get to the beach in time. Keep posting - the good people on this forum are always on hand to give uninvolved advice.

MT

[Suzi2000]

MT, thanks so much for your reply - it is nice to speak to someone on his side of things, if you know what I mean. I feel at the moment I want to get inside his head to figure out what he is thinking. It is also nice to know that all men aren't B's and that some genuinely do get lost and want to get back on track.

I sent him a long email last night to say how I was feeling and I hope it helps. I have thought about counselling and he has said if I need to, he will. We can access it through his work so paying for it isn't an issue - thankfully. I just feel at the moment we are strong enough to work it out although I do have my doubts. I don't understand what a key logger is? I have thought about asking him to let me see his email (the one where I found the emails) but I just feel terrible doing that.

Did it take your wife long to forgive you? I know you cannot put a time on it but I just wonder when will I feel I have forgiven.

Thanks again

[Me Too]

Hello again Suzi,

I'm glad to be of some help. To be honest, it feels a bit odd to write from the guilty side on a site that is predominantly a community of people who have had "the dirty" done to them. I'm not sure that I don't belong to the "B" category - I'm fairly certain that I fit into a category a lot worse than "B" by virtue of the fact of what I did to the person I love.

With regards to the counselling - I can highly recommend the whole process - it deals with the affair, but more importantly it also deals with a whole load more issues, and also how to progress. The nice thing is that the counsellor doesn't sort things out - you both do. Again, it's quite a strange process as many times you leave the venue wondering if you have just had a bloody great argument or whether you've just broken ground and moved forward. The thing is - it is a couple thing - us blokes aren't too good at bearing our souls to our nearest and dearest, let alone in front of a complete stranger! That said, it was the best thing I have ever done, and wouldn't hesitate to go back if we needed to in the future (and I can say with 900% certainty that it wouldn't be for the same reason as we went initially!).

I find your husband's comment about him going to counselling if you need it interesting - the point is, he has had an affair, so I would say that the need is obvious, and would recommend it. If it's what YOU WANT, then book it.

A keylogger is a program that records everything that is typed on your keyboard (emails, MSN, etc.) and records your internet browsing history. I used invisible keylogger, which runs in the background from the moment the PC is turned on and saves all the information in really easy to understand files (some record every keystrike and look like a page of code).

There is no need to feel terrible about checking anything. Simple as that. I'm sure that your husband has already worked out that you will have a need (whether you like it or not) to check, and i'm sure that he will understand. The thing is, you've never been "that sort of person", because up until recently, you've never had the reason to be that sort of person. Things have changed for you, you are the same person as you were, but now you have a big need to protect yourself. He's a very lucky man to have been given the opportunity to start to repair the damage - and from what you have said, he knows it. There is no need on your part to feel guilty.

Now, sorry to drone on and on, I promise i'm almost done. I have shown your post and my reply to my wife, and she has said that she will sit down and post a reply regarding the trust and forgiveness aspect later on. I honestly don't think that it is my place to reply on her behalf - you know what blokes are like - our perception of a situation generally differs greatly from the wiser person in the relationship! :)

[jigsaw]

Hi Suzi,

First of all I just want to say how much your posting moved me. It's amazing how memories can come flooding back with a little bit of prompting! What you have to realise however is that you will eventually reach a point when you can achieve a 'normality', it might not be the 'normality' you're used to, but with counselling and other help, it might well be a normality which is better than you've previously had. The situation you are in at the moment can only be described as grief and it does tend to pan out in stages but in the end like all grief, you can move on. I'm going to tell you a little bit about my own experience, not for sympathy, but that you will hopefully recognise each stage and realise that you are actually moving on. There are no time lines to these stages, as with all grief, it happens when it happens and there is no forcing it.

Stage 1 - Shattered.
When the news broke about the affair my whole life was shattered. Until then I had always trusted my husband and believed he would never do to me what my first husband had done. For quite a while I existed with my life in this shattered mess around me, just holding on for my daughters sake.

Stage 2 - Picking up the pieces
Eventually I started picking up the pieces and one thing I decided was that I was not going to be a victim any more!!! :mad: I was a whole, independent, worthwhile person in my own right who had every right to look after myself!!! I had a complete turn around in my attitude and put myself first. The next thing I did was to tell him that this was the first and last time this sort of thing ever happened and if anything did ever happened again, that would constitute the absolute end for us.

Stage 3 - Finding the corners
He had completely destroyed any trust I had in him and that needed rebuilding. He has described some of the ways which this was done and sometimes it didn't sit well with me and I did feel guilty, but the need to protect myself and our child was greater than that feeling. The good thing was that he never quibbled when I checked up on him, and each time I did it I was able to trust him a tiny bit more. That, along with the counselling and support of friends etc allowed me to start putting my life back together.

Stage 4 - Putting the edges back in place
I found that I would get emotional at the strangest moments, not only upset but extremely angry, usually at times when it was impossible to express myself. I conquered this by carrying around a lockable book which no-one else had access to where I was free to write exactly what I wanted, no matter how bad the thoughts were I could express myself in a safe way. Sometimes once I had written down my feelings they would go away, other times I felt strongly enough to sit down and tell my husband about them. We also made time (usually each evening) to sit down and talk to each other about how we felt, this was really helpful as I'm sure you can imagine at first I didn't have many good things to say but he was brilliant, really took it on the chin!! :D

Stage 5 - Filling in the picture
Eventually as time passed a different type of normality grew, where we were an equal partnership. There was no longer a power struggle, we were on an even playing field.

Stage 6 - Finishing the puzzle
The last part of the story was that after a year i confronted the person who he had the affair with (as I had known her previously) we met for a coffee and I told her in a very calm controlled way exactly what I thought of her. This was a huge step and one which I chose to take only when I knew I wouldn't do anything which I would later regret!! ;) Ironically when I met up with her, all the thoughts which had previously haunted me about her being younger, better looking etc evaporated and she actually cut quite a pathetic sight.

I realised at that point that the puzzle was complete and that my life was back in one piece again, better, safer and more stable than before. I know that we are together because we want to be, and that at any stage either of us can call it a day and we would survive as strong independent individuals, but we're together because we want to be.

I'm sorry if this has been a bit long winded, but I just think that it's important that you realise that YOU are the important person here and you have an absolute right to do exactly what you need to put the pieces of your life back together again. Take care and keep putting yourself first. ;)x

[outoftheblue]

Thanks Jigsaw and Me Too. I do find it encouraging to hear from people where it has worked out for them. I am still in the early stages see my extraordinarily long rant on my thread.
But whilst I am desperately sad and lonely at the moment grieving for the wonderful husband I had for 20 years and coming to terms with this new person whom I don't recognise and certainly don't like at the moment I am almost certain in my heart that he is 'lost' and one day will realise what a fantastic relationship, both marriage and friendship, he has jeopardised with his recent behaviour.

The h I know and still love would be willing to work at saving our marriage much in the way you/yours have, it's just at the moment he is still in denial and running to the ow because it/she is easy (in every sense of the word - sorry!)

I have been very careful with my words and how I have said them and not so long ago I told him I didn't love him at the moment, because his behaviour was making him unlovable. He does however know that deep down I love him absolutely and if he wants my love and forgiveness it is there he only has to show he truly wants it. However, he later told our son (17) that 'Mum doesn't love me anymore' which is not the same thing at all. Our son said 'well you know that's not true.' Was he asking our son for reassurance or trying to shift the blame on me and there was nothing he could do if I don't love him, so he could cop out?

Male perspective very welcome please!

[Suzi2000]

Hi all, thank you all so much for your posts. It has really helped to hear from those who have been in this situation - and have/are working it out. I spoke to husband about what you had said to me on this thread and I had also sent him and email with my feelings. He really appreciated both and spoke to me about his feelings. Although some of the things he said hurt a little I do feel we are starting to go somewhere.

TBH, I still haven't made up my mind about counselling - I want to see what we can do on our own. As we both want to make it work, and at least now he has started to talk. My body seems to have given up physically - bad throat infection and eye infection! So I think I need to have some me-time before I can start anything else. Jigsaw - I think it is telling me to look after myself first.

Jigsaw - I'm so sorry I reminded you of everything, I'm sure you have moved such a long way. But I really do thank you from the bottom of my heart for your post as I think it will help me over the coming months. I never thought of myself as grieving but obviously I am - the relationship I thought I had is gone. But we both feel we have something to work on.

Outoftheblue - I have read some of your thread and I congratulate you on being so strong. I hope you can be patient with your husband and he will eventually come back, I'm lucky H's OW is 2,000 miles away so she wasn't really the easy option. Although in his head he hasn't totally moved on.

Thanks again for listening and for all the advice, you don't know how much it helps.
:o

[AnnieP]

What a great thread! Thank you everyone for your input on it. I am very much like Outoftehblue at present. My H has left, as he feels he no longer loves me, and wants space to sort himself out. He had a brief affair, but swears it is over. I have no way of knowing this. He works with her and has moved very close to where she lives.
All I can do is sit it out and wait for the decision. He is in no mental state at present to be doing this, so i have just to give him time and space. He knows I love him adn believe our marriage can work, but seeing the stages above, I think if he decides to come back, we have got a lot of work to do!
I would definately be at the "finding the corners" stage if he were to return. I am curerntly looking after myself and doing so very well. I guess the million dollar question is whether he would be able to acknowledge that he has to help me here to regain trust. at present there is no way he'd admit this, as of course, he is still not sure if he is committed to us. According to him, the affair was brought about by me....
It seems I am much further down the road than he is!

[jigsaw]

Hi Suzi,

Thanks for your reply. You're absolutely right when you talk about looking after yourself first - I'm really proud of you!! :) It's all very well for the h's of this world to waltz off when the urge takes them because they are having a MLC or bereavement or whatever, but it's us who are left holding the baby (for want of a better phrase!). And in order to look after our families we have to realise just how blooming important we are!! ;) The better we look after ourselves on every level, the happier we and our children will be! It is also an interesting concept that when the h's of this world think that we are getting along without them they start to think twice about what they are doing. Lets face it, what a boost to the h's ego to have a OW and a wife at home 'waiting' for them to come back!:cool: Doesn't give them much incentive to alter the situation :mad: And let's face it girls if the boot were on the other foot can you imagine them sitting at home, looking after the kids and saying "don't worry darling, I'll wait for you to make your mind up" While you get your ego massaged elsewhere!!! :confused: I'm not saying give your man an ulitmatum, but just remember you're an intelligent, compassionate, independent person in your own right!

I'm soooooo pleased that you have started communicating with your h! The great thing is that you have chosen more than one way of doing this and sometimes it can really help to put things in writing as well as say things in the emotion of the moment. Well done and keep it up! :D

Annie, I'm really pleased you're looking after yourself - well done and keep up the good work and keep talking :)

XXX

[Suzi2000]

Thanks jigsaw, I never realised before that so many men had MLC and often this is what happens! I know it doesn't excuse what he has done, but it puts into perspective a bit more!

The communication thing is a bit weird - after I sent him the email, he did come and talk to me and I do feel we move on a little but I kind of wanted him to reply. The whole point is I said he doesn't talk to me in the same way as he did with her and he said the reason was because we never corresponded. But he isn't really getting what I need!

The worst time is at night - when I lie down all these thoughts go through my head.

The funny thing is my parents went through exactly the same thing - but us kids were told all about it. However, they are back together now and I have never known a couple over 50 so much in love. So I keep thinking it can work out.

[Lauz]

Thanks Me Too and Jigsaw for sharing both sides of your story.

Me Too - I am intrigued to find out more about your side and why men choose to go down this path? If you love someone (your w) so much, how can these other feelings / emotions take over? Why do men find it so difficult to talk to their wives, yet freely discuss personal matters with OW? Did you go through MLC?

[AnnieP]

Lauz, I am so glad you asked this.... :O)
My H claimed that he is no longer having an affair with OW, but that she was/is still his friend and he can talk to her about personal stuff...... Why not me?
That is the bit which hurts more than the affair to tell the truth.

[Lauz]

My h said to me that he has only ever felt comfortable in talking with 2 people in his life - his best man and ow. He said he thinks its because they are both on his emotional level, ie. they have their own issues. His best man is a recovered alcholic, divorced and recently some other issues have come to the surface too (which are legally serious and not appropiate to discuss here). OW h left her, they are not legally divorced, but seperated for 3 years, her parents are unhappy and I think she has issues within herself with low self eestem and depression - my h thinks so too. My h comes from a seperated family. His parents remained together for many years while the children grew up but were never happy and did not have a "relationship". His father never showed him or his brother any emotional connection. All I say is that he is comfortable in talking with people who have a low self eesteem or worse issues than him, and that makes him feel comfortable / happy / better! All I can see is that him discussing things with people with that history has put him in a worse off position and just hiding from his real isssues, rather than addressing them. And to mention has nearly destroyed our marriage! He has always said to me I am his tower of strength and yet he he too scared to openly talk with me and trust that I will not judge him.

I think the illusion that he has this connection with the ow because of their emotional level is where this all started for him. Yes they have some common interests too (but he has interests with loads of other people including me) but you dont jump into bed with someone you respect as a friend and collegue - I think pure selfishness to make themselves feel good! I also dont believe this is a healthy way to start any new relationship - not they are wanting this. My h has always maintained that he did not want a relationship with ow and what happened was a one time mistake.

I wrote a letter to the ow and told her all my feelings about what had gone on, and she admitted she had her own issues she needed to address. She also said she was not pursing my h, however they do work together and hence see each other every day.

When my h came and told me in Jan this year that he was no longer in love with him and about his feelings for the ow, one of the first things I said to him was to go and speak to a third party indepdent person and stop talking with her immediately. I really do feel she has added a lot of her own issues to my h!

[Suzi2000]

Thanks Lauz for asking that question and for what you said - I have been asking myself this too!!! I think if I could understand this it might help with the rebuilding. He told her in an email that no one had had touched him to his core like she had. She has seen him like no other! This is one of the things which is driving me the most mad. I thought we had a connection - but obviously something is missing!

The things he said to her hurt me more than the physical.

[outoftheblue]

This 'connection' thing is interesting, but I seem to have the opposite problem. I said to my H that I hoped he hadn't used the cliche 'My wife doesn't understand me' to the ow, and he laughed and said 'No, you understand me better than anyone in the whole world!' I think that is maybe his reason for being with her, he can be who he wants to be and doesn't have to conform to who he thinks he should be etc. I on the otherhand know when he is lying/being fake etc and can see straight through him. So maybe whilst he's having MLC or whatever this is how/who he needs to be.

He admitted he ran away from home because he couldn't cope with the pressures of life/family etc so he is hiding from all those he has/had a connection with. Far easier to be with people who have no expectations, but for how long?

[AnnieP]

Mines the same as yours OOTB. He is able to be someone else with the OW, not himself, who he doesn't currently like (MLC). I know him inside out and he resents that, I think. He has enjoyed the newness of a relationship and finding out all about eachother.

[Lauz]

My h also said to me that he thinks I know him better than he knows himself. I think he spoke to her for the same reasons - no expectations of himself, again being who he wants to be. I said to him that he has to stop with this mask and be who he wants to be with me.

I commend you ladies that know your h's are with the ow. I don't think I would be so understanding / accommodating. It was me or her. FULL STOP! I also told my h that he had to stop running away / hiding from these issues and deal with them. So he's at home and we are making the best of it.

[AnnieP]

Lauz, I don't think mine actually is with OW, but I simply do not know and have no way of knowing. If I knew, it would be the end.
I DO think he is still thinking about her though, even if he is no longer seeing her. I have no control over it, so no point in worrying. Time will tell.

[outoftheblue]

Maybe I'm being a fool, but I do know my H spends weekends with the ow and whilst that hurts like hell I am playing the long game. He says he's with her 'cos 'it's different' not better or anything just different. I know my H still loves me 'cos he has said so, he also says he misses me and I believe that the more time he spends with her he'll see that 'different' isn't really that different at all, the grass is not always greener etc.

I feel he needs to discover this for himself. he has walked away from his old life completely. From me, his son, both his and my family and all the relatives and all the friends he and we have ever known. This ow has no siblings, no children and just her mother locally. He has not met any of her friends (if indeed she has any). So the picture I get is they just spend time together alone, going out for meals walks (!*!)etc. They have no mutual past to discuss memories etc, he has told me he doesn't want to marry her and he hasn't considered going on holiday with her. This level of different will hopefully soon become boring,and he might start to think wistfully about the life he has given up.

I have believed right from the start of this that if I gave him the her or me ultimatum, in his current state he would choose her. Almost because he's in a place where he needs to 'try it out' That wouldn't necessarily be what is right for him or us long term. To come back from such an ultimatum would mean losing face for him and also for me if I later let him back into my life and so it would be far less likely for it to happen.

I have also told him and believe myself that I intend to stick by my marriage vows of 'for better or worse' We all glibly joke about the richer/poorer, sickness/health vows, but never really consider what the better/worse bit actually means. Well for me it doesn't come much worse than this so maybe God is testing me, and after 20 years I'm not going to throw it all away (even if he seems to have done) and I will stand by my vows and stand by my man even if he happens to a) not want me to; b) not be standing by me or his vows and c)not really like country music!

I maybe very lonely on my moral high ground, but if he comes back I'll know I did the right thing and if he doesn't at least I'll have my dignity to keep me warm at night.

Please don't think I'm a mug (I probably am). I love my husband very much and want him to one day wake up and realise he will never find anyone who is as good to him and loves him enough to let him do this.
C

[AnnieP]

OOTB. I am EXACTLY with you. It is so nice to be able to share this together. I agree with your stance 100%. I am not religious, but I believe in my marriage vows. Lets hope they see the light soon. In the meantime, much love and stay strong.
xxx

[rockbottom777]

Hello everyone.
I have read all your stories, and I wonder if I could get some help too. Many of you sound exactly like me, with the hurt and suffering. I have not found anyone with a story as deep as mine. This may get a bit long, so forgive me. I really need some help, so I must tell you everything.
Let me start by saying this has been the WORST year of my life...
My husband worked out of town for over 5 months, and cheated on me with an older very unattractive woman. When I found his emails, phone records, and text messages, I felt my heart jump out of my body. I always thought we were the perfect couple, and nothing like this would ever hapen to me. Oh my god, was I ever wrong. I learned he slept with this woman 5 days after leaving home. He spent alot of money on her. He was with her on mother's day, my birthday weekend, memorial weekend, and even lied to me and went out of town with her for days. I found emails where his words sounded like he was saying wedding vows to this woman.
I begged him to come home on weekends, and he chose not to, now I certainly know why. Even when he did finish the job, and come home, for weeks he called her, and went to se her. He did so many things right in my face. It's unbelievable. There are so many details in this so-called relationship, it would take pages for me to write.
When I confronted him, he lied a few times, then I got proof, and he had to admit the entire mess to me. It has been a rollercoaster of a ride since then. He said he got lost, he went crazy, and that bi... didn't mean anything. Infact, he said it wasn 't even worth the pain he's sees me in now. He wants us to work it out. He said is is so sorry. He would do anything to take it all back, erase it all. He says he truly loves me, and never stopped. We have been going to counseling, I read books, I talk to poeple, and we talk too. So why in the world do I cry everyday, hurt every minute of every day? Why can't I get past this awful pain and suffering I feel? I look at him, and start to cry? I have images of them in my head. I have the worst nightmares of my lifetime. He does talk to me, but does not like it. He said he does not want to remember her in any way. He wants to block it out completely. Well I can't!!! Like I said I gave you brief details, believe me there's 10,000 more things I know. How do I got past this? :confused:
Then there's the anger I have. I hate this woman so much. I pray every night for the worst things to happen to her. I know he's no saint, but she got him drunk the first couple of times, and seduced him. I know he could have said NO, I'm married, but I can't help but HATE this woman now. In fact, she had to tell him when they were together. He was so drunk, he didn't even remember. In fact, he's still not sure. But he did tell me, it was slow at first, and it got out of control. Let me tell you, that's an understatement. I need help, and advice please. i am going out of my mind....... :mad:
Thanks!

[Suzi2000]

Rockbottom777
I am so sorry for your pain and I'm not sure I can help but I really sympathise with what you are going through. I am very early in finding out about the affair but I also wake up asking why did he invite her upstairs to his room? I am also angry about what happened, have images of them together and constantly think about the words he used with her.

He tells me also he is trying to forget and block her out of his mind. He says he thinks about her sometimes - what does he think? does he miss her? We talk but I don't feel at times I am getting the full answers. I am angry and think I wish I could forget. But I feel with time the pain will get less and we will move on from this.

Tonight I asked him if I could see his email so I could see there were no messages to/from her. Of course there weren't - but also there were not emails in his sent box and no emails in his trash. Instead of feeling confident that she is gone now I just feel he is smarter at covering his tracks. Deep down, I believe he has stopped all contact but something in me needs proof.

Some others have talked about contacting the OW. I spoke to H about this and he was so defensive. I don't really want to - but what does he have to hide that I don't already know?

Why why why did this have to happen.

[jools]

Hi Suzi
Your gut instinct is telling you that things still don't feel right. The cleared in boxes are suspicious. When you feel like your head's about to explode and the suspicion's driving you mad then you have one of two choices. You either switch it all off and just let things take their course (personally I could never locate that switch) or you face up to everything - including her. I would go to see her - without warning him or her in advance. Think carefully about what you want to say and ask. Her reactions might give you some answers. I'm not saying you should do this - it's just what I would do (what I DID do!)
Jools X
________
Honda Cbr1000Rr (http://www.cyclechaos.com/wiki/Honda_CBR1000RR)

[Lauz]

outoftheblue - I don't know how you are standing by him knowing he is with the ow, but I commend you for being so strong and open minded about this. If he doesn't want a "relationship" with her, then what is he doing? I hope you have taken the right stance. I too believe 100% in my marriage vows and that is why I am on the path of forgiveness with my h, but if he is was still seeing her it would be over. I am not here to be walked all over after I have given him 13 years of my life. I will also not be the one to end this marriage, because I believe in it. My h either believes in his marriage vows and we work it out, or he makes the hard call and leaves / goes to her. It's black and white for me. In any case, we are in a slightly different scenario. My h is at home, has not walked out and promised me and himself he would not abandon me and go to the ow.

[Lauz]

Suzi - I didn't go and see the OW (although I easily could have and my h got defensive about this too), but I wrote her a letter telling her what I thought of her and the whole situation. I didn't ask any questions. She replied to me stating she was sorry for what she had done, and yes she had some issues to address within herself and she was not pursuing my h. The OW is my h's boss at work. They continue to work together, but I believe they are not talking about any personal stuff and definitely not "seeing" each other outside of work.

[Suzi2000]

He tells me the cleared boxes are because he is deleting her out of his life - which I do think he is doing. But I know, the clear boxes are driving me mad.

I cannot go and meet her - she is thousands of miles away. Which is probably why my story isn't as bad as others. HE only had a one night fumble with her which didn't go all the way. It was a bit difficult for him to meet up again - although he was going to and cancelled last minute because of his family. So I should always be grateful for that.

I will mull over sending her a letter

[rockbottom777]

It's not quite two months since I found out my H was having an OUT OF CONTROl relationship for 5 1/2 months. I just can't go a day without thinking about it. I cried all night again last night. I really don't know if I will ever stop hurting this way. I can barely look at him, and I start to cry. Maybe I know to much? I did read alot of emails, and found all the text, and phone records. He had over 5400 minutes to this person. It's unbelievable. Plus, He chose not to come home for two months to be with her. He went out of town with her, to meet her family. The lie's I find him in, are unbelievable too. He spent alot of money on her. Over and over the things he's done, come to my mind. I am so angry all the time. I want her to pay for this. I thought about taking her to court. I know I can have her fired too. That time will come for me.... right now i need to find a way to stop hurting so bad. I can not decide if i want this man anymore. One minute I love him to death, and the next I want to hate and hurt him like he hurt me. I feel he does not deserve me. The one woman in the world who devoted her entire life to his happiness. The one woman who truly loved him with all her HEART! I am sooooo depressed, please talk to me....
I need help! :(

[Suzi2000]

Hi there, Rockbottom - how are you doing?

I haven't been on the forum for a while as I was starting to feel stronger. I had drafted an email to the OW and felt better for writing it. H is making a HUGE effort and taking me out and has bought me some nice clothes.

However, last night I just flipped. I don't know what triggered it, but I started to doubt what he had told me about 'the night' even doubting if he was ever faithful. He has always travelled a lot and has had lots of opportunities. I cried solid for over an hour and then went to tell him how I felt. TBH although he was kind and held me and told me he loved me and he hadn't spoken to her since I still felt I wasn't reassured.

Do these 'episodes' happen often? I feel like I have gone one step forward and three back now. So tired after being up for so long

[Raymond]

Rockbottom you have to hold yourself together. You have been betrayed and your husband is committing adultery. You're right he doesn't deserve you if he is behaving like this. How long can this go on? It is quite legitimate to finish a marriage when one is in adultery. I know there are cases when the husband repents and is sorry and asks for forgiveness and the marriage is saved, but to go on like this I don't know? I don't know if it is belittling yourself rather than being noble to hold a door open for someone who is in adultery. He has betrayed your trust and if there is no sign of repentance what are you waiting for? If he thinks he can come back when he likes after what he is doing I don't know if you are really helping him. Revenge will not help you. You may be able to hurt him a little but in the end why stoop. You will only be hurting yourself. I think you have to start the process of closing the door. While he has both of you nothing is going to happen probably.

Raymond

[jhurt]

I have a thread, but i've been reading some others and yours caught me, I read some e-mails that I found by accident because I didn't at the time know anything about a computer and my husband wrote to this OW that he adored her that she was fantastic and f### her was amazing which now he says were lies but the point I'm making is the physical act is easier to put aside or delete (as I call it) than the things he said to her about me, us or even her. So now he has taken all the trust I had and thrown it out, and day by day he is making deposits back into the void by letting me ask questions, by letting me check on him or phone or computer as I need. Thats the only way I think we will make a go of it. I believe trust can be rebilt I have to because I really love him and I don't believe 31 yrs of marriage should be walked away from. Sorry for rambling.

[schoolrunmum]

Many years ago, I confronted the OW whilst at my angriest..and boy did it help me feel better!Pinned her up against a wall in front of her work colleagues and told her very loudly exactly what I thought of her. Then a couple of nights later I took a baseball bat to her car.................that helped a lot.....