Work on it, or let it go????

[gtrplayer]

Ok..here goes....

I'm a 40yr male, married..she's 35. 10 year marriage, no kids (yes, we "can" have them).

First and foremost, I have issues and I am very well aware of my issues and what it does to a marriage and to a relationship. I'm a porn/sex addict and have been for a very long time. I am now seeking help and therapy and want to work to eradicate it from my life. I KNOW this will not be an easy task however....

She knows I have "issues" with that, and is willing to support me helping myself etc...

However, she does not see that as the root of the problem. YET. Within my therapy, I'm sure that will come to a brighter light.

What she DOES see as a huge problem is a multitude of things.

She is now realized that life is simply too short and now that she's gotten older, she wants to move close to family (midwest vs Tx currently) AND she wants to start/have a family!

Our intimacy is gone and has been gone, we both realize this is an issue.
Our love is gone or floating around somewhere among us...maybe.

We don't "fight" or "argue"... we bicker like normal humans, but we NEVER really "fight" or have huge domestic disturbance problems. We both realize and both are very well aware that we ARE very good friends, we're fun roommates, but we both sort of do our own thing.

We've sort of grown apart in terms of intimacy/love etc...

She's now unsure that that can and will ever come back....I too am not sure.

This, of course brings us back full circle to the initial issue. MY addiction to porn! THIS, is what has destroyed our intimacy and love. It has blunted my views of objectivity and my views of what "life" is about, my views of women in general. I THINK that I can have both... a happy healthy marriage and a secret dark side life of porno sex and craziness. Having both is not an option, as it does not work.

I know that my porn issue is a very separate problem and it is MY problem and I am willing to deal with it, seek the help I need and get through it.

Reality for me right now is that I'm REALLY not sure if I truly DO love her...I'm really not sure if I truly DO want us to work out. BUT...I have sense enough to know that I probably should NOT make those decisions while my head is still stuck deeply in the dark dirty sandpit of my addiction. I "think" that because of my issue, I cannot see clearly right now. I'm afraid that once my therapy starts and I begin on that road that I WILL, in fact, see life in a different light and I WILL in fact find that true hearted love for her and intimacy with her. Maybe I will, maybe I wont. I don't want to move...right now. I don't want kids...right now. But who knows....with a somewhat more of a clear head and a path in the light with Jesus etc... who knows what I may want.

Am I thinking along the right lines here though? I mean, I don't think I should throw 10yrs down the tubes in this frame of mind right now. Especially if she is willing to give it a little time to see if there are any positive changes.

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh life! It just happens.... Thank you all for reading.
Matt

[deadletteroffice]

You need to realise, much like I had to, that you aren't 20 any more. You're 40, she's 35 - having kids is now or never, commitment is now or never, seeing porn for what it is is now or never. I'm very sceptical of athe idea of a porn 'addiction' - I have had my phases I guess, but I think that decline in intimacy and addiction to porn are probably two heads of the same beast, rather than a 'cause and effect'.

Try reading 'We Can Work It Out' http://www.amazon.co.uk/Can-Work-Out-Conflicts-Strengthen/dp/0399521372/ref=pd_bbs_sr_1/203-8433654-1575137?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1187165351&sr=8-1

It is about communication between couples. I know that doesn't sound like it's anything to do with your problem, but I bet you a virtual farm that you find it enormously surprising and enlightening.

[Raymond]

Hi gtrplayer I was very moved by your story. I think you are on exactly the right lines and I encourage you in your repentance. I believe it will bear a lot of fruit. Your perception of yourself is correct. Porn does affect your spirit and the intimacy with your wife in a very big way. I look at porn as a kind of mental adultery. Wasn't it Jesus who said if you look on a woman to lust after her you have already committed adultery with her in your heart. Isn't that something that happens all the time when viewing porn? Of course it does.

I think your battle is a very fundemental one which is affecting a lot of men in the age we live in. Sex was always meant to be only with our wives. That's when it's at it's best.

I am glad your motive is coming from within and not just to heal your marriage although that may well be one of the fruits of it.

You are right when you say it will be a battle, but I detect a little faith in you and with God's help you can win it. A stronghold has been built up in you but this will have to be resisted, especially at your weak times. You will have built up habits that need to to be broken. New habits will have to be made which work with you and not against you.

I see very little evidence on here of men wanting to break the habit so you have my prayers, admiration and hope for success in this. I believe this process will bring you more into the light so that you will be able to see more clearly where your priorities lie.

A book I feel might help you is "Sex - God's Truth" by Jill Southern.

It outlines what is actually going on when one indulges in porn.

You really have my prayers and best wishes that you can overcome this thing.

(About your marriage I feel you really ought to work on it. Besides you will need your wife's help in the undertaking I have described)

Raymond