how do i work things out after her affair ?

[simon]

i've suspected for some while now that she was having an affair and finally caught her in bed with her lover at a hotel.The trouble with me is that i'm so deeply in love with her that its hurting me so much but i'm the one that is trying to work things out,forgive her but i'm not getting the reaction that i want back from her.She says she loves me but also has feelings for this other man in her life.We have 2 kids that we told that mommy and daddy were going to live in separate houses and comforted them when we told them but they were very upset.We had been separated for just 1 night when she thought that she'd made a mistake and come back home.But after seeing and looking at her i know that she only come back just for the kids sake and is now having 2nd thoughts.She's worried about having to tell the kids again that she is leaving but i can't have her stay with me if her feelings and thoughts are not with me.She is very confused but i feel that she should be the 1 making more effort where as at the moment its all me.All this has happened over the space of about 3 days so i know its only a short while but at the same time if she really wants to give it a go for my sake not just the kids she should be putting a lot more effort in which she's not so it brings me to the conclusion that she knows that shes made the wrong decision.I can read her thoughts and judge her body language very well and i'm not getting the reaction or vibes that i want at the moment. She's the one that has been deceitful and lied to me so if she truely regretted her actions then she should be making a lot more of an effort to put things right but i seem to be the only 1 that is putting the effort into it . She should be begging for my forgiveness , not me pleading with her not to go . I have my own feelings to deal with like catching her in bed with this man so i constantly have this picture in my mind of the 2 of them together. I feel as if i need to make her decision for her and i know that deep down she doesn't want to be here with me and the kids , she wants to be here with the KIDS .
If there is any advice from anybody that could help me through this i would greatly appreciate this
Thank You

[Kate]

Dear Simon,

As you say it's early days and your wife is probably very confused about how she feels, what she wants, what she's done and what she wants for the future. That doesn't mean that you should give up on the situation especially if you are committed to her and the children and love them.

If the affair has been going on for a while she will be emotionally mixed up, especially as she says she has feelings for the other man, but feelings are not the best things to use to make wise decisions in life, especially about the future of her marriage.

As you are finding, love is not just about your feelings, but about wanting the best for the one you love and acting lovingly.

There are some articles on the site about affairs (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/marriageclinic/infidelity/) which may be of some help.

It may also help to acknowledging to yourself your pain and anger, to try to find the opportunity totalk calmly to each other, to seek professional help either together or alone, to seek medical help if your health is affected, and above all to be patient but clear what you want for your marriage and family.

With best wishes

Kate

[simon]

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[Kate]

Dear Simon,

I'm sure you're desperate to get things back to normal and to have your loving wife back as she used to be, but it will take time. Something has happened - the affair - and it can't be wiped away overnight. If your wife got involved with someone else, then she may have been dis-satisfied with your relationship in some way. As I said before she may also be mixed up and confused, so she won't be able sincerely to turn round and be able to behave the way you would like her to just like that.

There are all sorts of reasons why people have affairs (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/marriageclinic/infidelity/Extramarital/index2.html) and these can also affect how they respond once the affair comes to light. If the underlying causes are still there or a person is struggling to face up to what they have done then they may not immediately seem sorry for what they have done. If your wife isn't happy then she may not want to be sexually intimate with you until she's straightened herself out - isn't that sensible?

If it is going to take a long time and things are really dragging you down, what can you do to help yourself through this difficult time?

If you are getting depressed it might be an idea to go and talk to your doctor. You can also consider some counselling for yourself at first, or together if your wife is willing to go.

If you're in the UK, then you can find information on counselling (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/marriageclinic/counselling/) here on the site.

It's very natural to want to escape from the pain you're facing and have things resolved, but life isn't that tidy and controllable. It takes courage to work things through and build a lasting future together, and it also takes courage to seek help to do it.

I hope and pray that you can find that courage and that help and that you and your wife can find a way forward together - a new start for a new year.

With best wishes

Kate

[desperate2002]

wow simon I think its amazing that you even want to work things out after your wife had an affair.

Im a psych student and usually most often its the one who cheated that has to convince his/her spouse to work things out.
over 98 percent of marriages where cheating has occurred ends in divorce in Canada.

I think you are an amazing man to want to repair your marriage.
Perhaps, however she doesnt deserve someone like you.

[simon]

YIPPEE ... after all this time we have now worked things out and we are both happier than we have ever been. Perhaps what happened worked in our favour in a strange sort of way . Thanks for for all the support and encouragement . Simon

[simonf]

Hi
I'm back again after 7 years :-( had to have different username because i could not remember login details.

I am Simon whose thread this is.


I have just seperated from my wife again. This time she has moved out. She has now been gone for 3 weeks. She has been exchanging mobile numbers with people she met on Facebook and now she is seeing someone else although its not serious she said. But she has spent the last 2 weekends with him.
She says that she just cannot help herself flirting which i don't mind but she always crosses the line and ends up going too far. She says she doesn't know why she does it and can't help it.
She has been on prozac for the last 3 months now and i think that this is affecting her making big decisions like this. She didn't know why she left, but eventually she said that she just wants some freedom for herself. She doesn't want the responsibility of me, the kids or anything else but herself !!!! (kids are 16 + 14)
I was off work for 2 and half weeks as i was so depressed and devastated. Things just don't seem to be getting any better for me either and i'm struggling to cope at the moment. I just don't see any future for me ever and i'm absolutely madly in love with her still. We'd been together for 18 years and had our usual ups and downs the same as any other couple. We've just had 2 fantastic holidays in Tunisia and Scotland awhere we both said that its the best holidays we've ever had !!!!
Then within 2 weeks of getting back she decides that she is not happy and this is the right thing to do. She lived with her mom for 2 weeks and now she has just rented a room in a very large house which she got through friends of her mom. My only hope now is that she realises how lonely she is there and thinks about what she has left behind but i don't hold out much hope at all. I even helped her move in to her new place and even cooked sunday dinner for us all because i knew she would be too tired. It was a nice day with all of us together and she even enjoyed herself but she still has no intentions of coming back home.
The kids are staying with me and i'm keeping the house. I've not been much use to the kids lately as i'm so sad, lonely and just can't bear to be without my wife even after all the hurt she has caused me.
I am struggling more and more each day to come to terms with this and all i want is her back. She is seeing a councellor for her depression and i have also seen a councellor once and am going back again this friday to see her. I've been seeing the doctor weekly and he's been giving me advice as well. He's told me to give her space and to try and create the right enviroment at home for her to want to come back, but the longer it goes on i feel that she is never going to come back. I miss her so much and it hurts like crazy at the moment.
My emotions are all over the place at the moment. I send her angry texts then end up apologising to her but at least she understands.
I think she still has feelings for me and a couple of times when we've had a cuddle when she has come around she has ended up crying.
I've mentioned going to relate but she just doesn't want to.
I'm absolutely desperate at the moment and feel as if my life has just ended as she was my whole life. Yes i know i've still got the kids and always will have but it's my wife i want back. I love her so dearly.
I've heard all the old cliches that time will heal etc but i will never get over this. There is not another woman on this planet that i want except my wife, thats how much i still love her.
Family have told me not to give up all hope just yet and to just give her time.
I'm just so lonely though at the moment.
Any words of help or encouragement will be appreciated.
Simon :(

[Raymond]

Your wife is being unfaithful Simon. Was her mother or father the same? Where did she pick this up? It is not the way for a wife to carry on. I am amazed that you want her back in spite of her escapades. As a previous poster said she doesn't deserve you. She seems to be able to keep you whether she is unfaithful or not. Your dependency on her seems to overlook her behaviour. Does she want to carry on this way or does she do it in spite of herself. If the latter then she needs help.

Raymond

[eliza_leigh]

Hi
I have just seperated from my wife again. This time she has moved out. She has now been gone for 3 weeks. She has been exchanging mobile numbers with people she met on Facebook and now she is seeing someone else although its not serious she said. But she has spent the last 2 weekends with him.
She says that she just cannot help herself flirting which i don't mind but she always crosses the line and ends up going too far. She says she doesn't know why she does it and can't help it.
She has been on prozac for the last 3 months now and i think that this is affecting her making big decisions like this. She didn't know why she left, but eventually she said that she just wants some freedom for herself. She doesn't want the responsibility of me, the kids or anything else but herself !!!! (kids are 16 + 14)

I have to agree with Raymond, your wife is being unfaithful to you. How long can you wait before she changes herself for good? She isn't taking her responsibility as a mother to your kids and as a wife to you. Yet you are in love with her despite her shortcomings. But how will you cherish your life with a cheating wife? Your present marriage with her is making you unhealthy.

[lonley Man]

Hi, I think maybe this thread is a few months old, but would like to respond as Ive been through exactely the same as this chap and feel his agony and heartache that I felt.
My wife was having a secret affair with her old work boss for anything between 2-5 years and when I found out, my whole world shattered too.
Luckily we dont have kids, but unusually we are trying to reconsile, its been about a year so far and it is still hard to trust.
I also went through the same as I expected her to " shine my shoes " when I walked through the front door and did everything in her power to " win me back ".
The problem was that she was in a very intense extramarital relationship with this married man.
I didnt want to lose her to such a deceitful womaniser as the man was to his wife and he'd done the same to plenty of women.
When I found out, I used to call her " Friday " as I remember many years ago she told me about him and that he was a bit of a player.
I used to say that she was just another day of the week and he is probably seeing " Monday " and " Wednesday " on monday and wednesday. But she was too blind to see this due to her feelings for him, plus his wife was terminally ill, I told that I was disgusted how she could believe there could be a future with a man like this whose curret wife was il and he'd also do the same to youl. His come upance will come.
I also went through the stage of desperately wanting sex and stuff as she was very sexual with him and wasnt ever that sexual with me and I wanted her to be that way with me. but I could not stop thinking about what she was doing to somebody else behind my back. Which is why it was too soon for sex. Ive been told its natural to think this way.
I think we are brave to give straying wifes another chance, but I guess we are guided by society, society tell us if one has had an affair then DIVORCE. My view is work back to the time where the problems begun and see if they can be resolved.
Raymonds point was very interesting about questioning whether it is in the family. In my case it was, my MIL and FIL are very unhappy and my MIL has had a affairs with many men. The MIL used to confide in my wife about this. So I guess there is influence, meaning " The apple doesnt fall far from the tree ". I suppose the people that bring us into the world influence us into our decision that we'll make in life, we will listen, see, hear and remember......, but they do wake up eventually and realise what they are about to lose. Best bit of advise, I know you've got kids but, back away from her and let her come begging to you.

[Raymond]

Presumably your giving her another chance means the affair is over with this man?

You must love her a lot to be so forgiving. What are the guarantees that it won't happen again? Do you believe she will will settle down and be faithful now?

Although committing adultery is a moral decision there are cases where it is passed down the line from one or both of the parents and in those cases can almost be desribed as a sickness for want of a better word. It can be just in them because of the background. In those cases there isn't much hope without proper ministry as it will be in them wanting to happen again. It may be rare this way but it does happen.

Raymond

[Lonley Man]

I completly agree with you Raymond, my wife has had a very traumatic upbringing. She had a brother that sadly passed away when she was very young, her parents spend all of his life looking after him, but my wife was passed as a young child from family to family and person to person to be looked after. Her father was violent towards her and both parent were verbally abbusive to this young child. Calling her fat and ugly, almost taking out their loss on their other child. Then her mother started to have affairs and was rarely aound for her daughter. Then her parents decided to give birth to another son. I can understand how much attention she must crave as she never had any from her parents. The family never greived over their loss. Then when her she was older she found out about her mother and mothers friends affairs and her mother confided in her. I personally think its wrong. But she was never a mother to her and once I asked her about it and all she said was " you know theres no book on how to be a good parent".I was in shock. Now all she does is try to panda her and buy her love with money all the time and it drives me mad sometimes. she wont even let her daughter of nearly 33 years of age get the bus or train. And all my wife does is listen to her and probably thinks, if my mum says it, it must be right.
There is for a while going to be an issue about trust, and sometimes shes does say things to me that remind me of scenarios when she was having the affair. ie sex, one minute she wants it and then she says she doesnt want it with me!. I feel sometime like baite on the end of a fishing rod, sometime she wheels me in and other times she cuts the line when she wants.
I am unemployed at the moment and she is working and refuses to contribute more than £200.00 a month when we have nearly £2000.00 a month of bills and Ive always paid the bulk, but she now earns more than I could ever dream of earning. She also lied to me a few years ago as to how much she was earning, when she was earning pretty much the same as me, but was telling me she was earning half of that
All she would say is " I've got bills to pay of my own, my hair, my nails, pedicure etc... and you're the man, you should be the provider!! ". I feel lost and sometimes almost used in this dead end marriage sometime, but sometimes I feel close to her and vice versa, but she is a very very selfish character with double standards. Im coming to end of my tether.
As I said n my previous post, shouldnt she be trying to win me back? shouldnt she?
My parent think she is a gold digger and only with me for our home. I dont think its right though for 2 people to be held togther because of brick and cement.....?

[Raymond]

Looks like she is just doing her own thing LO. In view of her background I empathise but do not justify her behaviour. Sounds very needy to me with an aching vacuum yearning to be filled. Material things won't fill it.

Upbringing is so important. I know that because of the devastation caused in my life through lack of nurture through an orphan upbringing. Without God coming into my life I would never have made it. We all need significance, acceptance (not earned) and love and God started working in that area straight away although it is an ongoing thing.

When you are able to give love away without cost then you know you are starting to heal.

Whats the marriage worth to her? Is she willing to save it or doesn't she see it? The biggest enemy of marriage is unfaithfulness. One can deal with most problems but when you get that it goes to the heart of the marriage. She seems to have a forgiving lonsuffering husband in you but how much can you take?

I would not be controlled by her mother and neither should she. I don't really know what to say to you except to pray. A prayer of faith will change things but just words won't. A lot of problems occur because we are not rightly related to God in my opinion but that is heresy to a lot of peoples ears.

Raymond