Need Advice please

[SadTom]

My wife and I have been married for 9 years and together for 17, we have 3 young boys 8, 6 & 4. Back in June my wife told me we needed to separate for a mental break. She told me that I needed to change my life in order to save our marriage. The changes she wants me to make are long overdue and I totally agree with her. Quit smoking pot, pay more attention to her and the kids and to help more around the house... These are things I should have done along time ago..

So now Ive done those things, went to the doctors to help with my depression and i feel Ive made HUGE steps forward.

Two weeks ago we went out to dinner and after words we got in a fight because summers almost over and I want her and the kids to come home. Thats when she hit me with a BOMB... She told me she loves me but is not "in love" with me any more and needs space to clear her head.

Now for the last 3 years theres been a lot of stress on both of us, I work the normal day shift and she works 9pm-6am so she lacks good sleep 6 out of 7 days during the week.. We've got far behind in a lot of our bill and are in dept out or ass. I believe that is one of her biggest problems.

When we talk about US she tells me divorce is not what she wants, her dream is for us to one day be a happy family again. But she says space is what she needs. I am so scared this wont work out. We get together once a week or so and do stuff with our kids but I'm not sure how to act around her. I want to hold her hand etc and act like were married but that don't happen.. When we do see each other she normally will give me a kiss. When were talking on the phone I tell her I love her before we hang up and she says "luv u" back but she'll never say the "luv u" 1st.

I'm not sure how to handle this..

[Liz]

Dear SadTom

I am sure you want to be over this stage as quickly as possible, but your wife has obviously been hurting and longing for things to improve for some time, so you will need to be patient.

She has been watching over the emotional health of you relationship (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/marriageclinic/diffdisill/walkwife/) for some time and she is probably weary of doing this. She knows she loves and cares for you deep down but can't find the excitment and romance that you want at the moment.

Patience and consistency are probably the things that will impress her most. Since you are already separated for a while, you might like to talk to her about some boundaries to that temporary separation. Have a look at this article on managed separation (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/articles/managedsepn/), which may help you to agree those boundaries and identify the purpose of what you are agreeing to. Don't just focus on an end date but try and focus on constructive things you can do during it, like you having a meal together as you have already done.

I wish you all the best in sorting yourself out and drawing her back to you. She obviously loves you, but let her choose how she shows that love (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/healthclub/relbasictopic/cftcartoon/whatlove.html) at the moment and find ways to show her that you love her and are committed to the changes you have made.

Liz

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