Husband wanting children to meet OW

[aqua]

Hi folks
I was wondering if someone could help me out.
Here's a bit of info

My husband has asked our oldest if he wants to meet OW. She is known to me and the boys anyway. My son said no way! Both children absolutely hate her and want nothing to do with her. H didn't ask the youngest (boys are 12 and 9).

My questions are:
1. Shouldn't H discuss the matter with me first?
2. Can he force them to see her?
2. As she is an alcoholic can I legally prevent her from seeing the boys?

I feel so low and I just want to cry. I don't want the OW being an influence in my children's life or even a part of it. That's not what I had in mind when I had children, I'm their mum.

My H is backing me in to a corner hoping I'll lash out. He is causing us financial difficulties with the mortgage, not paying child mainatainance and refusing to move his stuff out of the house. Keeping money elsewhere to pay for holidays with OW .I don't understand why he's turned on us now after 7 months?

This is the man who was going away to give us space and sort our marriage out!! He lied. He had no intention of ever coming back.

I feel like he's stuck a knife in my back and he keeps on twisting it I think I've reached the end of the road. I know what I need to do now. It's the most difficult thing to admit - it's well and truely over. I need to divorce him before he destroys me. :(

aqua

[jools]

Hi Aqua
So sorry - what a tw*t! My girls are 15 and 18 and it's just a foregone conclusion that they'll never even see the ow. The eldest would probably rip her limb from limb as she is a real daddy's girl and hates her with a vengeance. I respect your boys' right to hate the woman and refuse to see her. If your H thinks he can force some sort of get together he's nuts. My H, even one year later, is so ashamed that he hasn't even admitted to the girls that there is an ow.

I can't imagine that she'll EVER be an influence on them. And the older they get the less likely that becomes. Just tell your H that you're respecting the boys' wishes not to see her and that it might be emotionally detrimental to force such a meeting (which is true anyway).
This is the man who was going away to give us space and sort our marriage out!! He lied. He had no intention of ever coming back.
I know. Always had my H marked up as painfully honest but I now realise that when their backs are to the wall they'll say and do whatever makes their lives easiest. I also knew that once my H walked out the door (tho I kinda pushed him) that would be it, because it's the actual physical leaving that's the hardest. Once that's done it's a lot easier for them.
My questions are:
1. Shouldn't H discuss the matter with me first?
2. Can he force them to see her?
3. As she is an alcoholic can I legally prevent her from seeing the boys?To 1) i'd say yes, except he's in selfish mode and so foreseeing your complaints he went straight to the boys.
2) Be hard to force children of that age - and it would hardly be a bonding experience under those circumstances. If I were you - when the boys express their doubts about her, support their opinions. Tell them they've every right to feel like that and don't have to see her if they don't want to - while telling your H they don't want to. In ans to 3 - I don't know. But hopefully it won't come to that.
I feel like he's stuck a knife in my back and he keeps on twisting it I think I've reached the end of the road. I know what I need to do now. It's the most difficult thing to admit - it's well and truely over. I need to divorce him before he destroys me. :( It's so cruel. Another load of sh*t for your brain to process before you can start feeling anything like normal again. I'm getting that I don't care about him + her though it still angers me sometimes. I in no way want him back BUT there's always that "it's not fair" feeling that niggles. It's like I seem to have it all - job, money, house kids, people's respect etc BUT it feels like a hollow victory because without love in my life (as in a male partner) i feel there's something missing. Then I look at him and think he's ok cos he's got someone. People tell me I shouldn't feel like that - but I do. But I also know that i'm ready now for a new relationship (can't WAIT to break my wedding vows!) and when it happens my life will be absolutely complete whereas he will still have lost so much. And now my negative side wants to say "IF" you meet someone - but that way madness lies! But one thing that is certain is that you will get over him and even reach a stage where you wouldn't want him back if he was gift wrapped! Keep posting Aqua
Love Jools. XXX
________
IOLITE PORTABLE VAPORIZER (http://iolitevaporizer.net/)

[Ginger God]

Aqua..he wont destroy you..I thought that two years ago and now I am as happy as Larry.
My wife introduced him to our kids 11 weks after I left. The kids knew him becuase he was her personal trainer. My wifes words to them was " he has asked me out, is that ok?" The kids were 8 and 11, she would have been as well handing over a couple of live hand grenades. Two months later he was living with them. This was the guy she "wasnt" having the affair with. So my two had no option despite the fact that she said if the didnt like it she wouldnt live with him.
They have told me that he is just their Mums boyfriend and that he will never be anymore than that and thats good enough for me. They never talk about him, Im pretty sure they know what happened anyway but they see their Dad ok now so thats fine.
You cant stop it but the best you can hope for is that the kids simply dont like her and perhaps never will. That makes his life difficult.
Chin up, you will get there.

Graham

[aqua]

Thanks for your replies.

Jools - phew! I though maybe I was the only one to feel like I do, and that it was wrong to do so!!

You're absolutely right about why he asked the oldest if he wanted to see OW. Thanks for the tip on how to handle what to say next to H.
I had to give H that final push too, to get him to leave. I was going insane with him being there.

I wish I could stop loving him. I don't feel the need to have another male in my life. Yes, I've tried internet dating, but it made me realise that I don't want another man in my life in any capacity!!

Your post made me feel a hell of a lot better - much appreciated.

Ginger God - I think men have it worse if their spouse has left them. In our case we already know the OW which is why they don't want to see her again. Last year my then 11 year old said to me and his dad OW was an addict to alcohol!! A child picking up on that says it all really. Even one of her own children didn't want to live with her when her first marriage broke up! She left her second husband after Christmas.

Trouble is I have been doing so well getting on with things and husband not causing trouble. I don't understand why he's changed his tune about supporting us now and being very vindictive. I've not begged to have him back or keep ringing/texting him. In fact I only contact him about the children and I never see him.

Thanks for giving me your advice GG.

Have any of you started divorce proceedings or have you not considered it yet?

Many thanks
aqua.

[Ginger God]

Aqua....its a long hard road but you will get there.
I can get divorced on the 2nd November this year without her agreement..but its £62 and if she wants a divorce she can pay for it. That £62 gets me a couple of days out with the kids! Its really not an issue for me becuase I have no intention of getting married again, life is too good just now.
Kids are very perceptive, they refer to the other guy as a clean freak..and have already told other kids who see their Mum and him together that he is not their Dad..again thats good enough for me.
To be honest I cant ask any more of my kids.

Graham

[jools]

Hi Aqua and Graham,
Feeling better cos I've just come in from my Sun morning "Body Pump" class. Personally i'm not thinking about divorce till at least next Feb cos i've got a hefty life cover on him till then :cool:. Anyway, like Graham I feel no emotional need for divorce but i'm aware that i need to secure this house before his guilt wears off too much (he's said he wants nothing from the house - which is just as well as i've paid for everything!) Touble is, you don't know how much influence the other person brings to bear - which might be why your H has turned so mean, Aqua.

I see so many parallels between us, Aqua. I too tried the match.com thing when we first split - tho like you not ready for it. We share the same survival instinct (if that one's broken - let's replace it). My friends told me at the time that I wasn't ready but doing something's better than doing nothing - right? Haven't been tempted to try it since.
I don't feel the need to have another male in my life. Yes, I've tried internet dating, but it made me realise that I don't want another man in my life in any capacity!!
Add to that "yet". It'll happen.
I wish I could stop loving himJust keep focusing on his many bad points. I mean, how dare he treat a lovely woman like you so horribly - right? Just try a bit of well focused anger that will eventually turn to indifference. The fact I can still feel a bit of anger about it all lets me know i'm not totally in the clear yet. But I'm also aware that (now i'm over him) my life has the capacity to be so perfect in the blink of an eye - when I meet someone special. My daughters will welcome him into their family - I know because they've told me. And then I really will feel that i've come out of it well. And this is the positive thought that I must hold in mind. You too, Aqua. We'll get there kiddo! :)
Jools XXX
________
CHRYSLER ROYAL (http://www.dodge-wiki.com/wiki/Chrysler_Royal)

[Ginger God]

Hi Aqua and Graham,
Feeling better cos I've just come in from my Sun morning "Body Pump" class. Personally i'm not thinking about divorce till at least next Feb cos i've got a hefty life cover on him till then :cool:. Anyway, like Graham I feel no emotional need for divorce but i'm aware that i need to secure this house before his guilt wears off too much (he's said he wants nothing from the house - which is just as well as i've paid for everything!) Touble is, you don't know how much influence the other person brings to bear - which might be why your H has turned so mean, Aqua.

I see so many parallels between us, Aqua. I too tried the match.com thing when we first split - tho like you not ready for it. We share the same survival instinct (if that one's broken - let's replace it). My friends told me at the time that I wasn't ready but doing something's better than doing nothing - right? Haven't been tempted to try it since.
Add to that "yet". It'll happen.
Just keep focusing on his many bad points. I mean, how dare he treat a lovely woman like you so horribly - right? Just try a bit of well focused anger that will eventually turn to indifference. The fact I can still feel a bit of anger about it all lets me know i'm not totally in the clear yet. But I'm also aware that (now i'm over him) my life has the capacity to be so perfect in the blink of an eye - when I meet someone special. My daughters will welcome him into their family - I know because they've told me. And then I really will feel that i've come out of it well. And this is the positive thought that I must hold in mind. You too, Aqua. We'll get there kiddo! :)
Jools XXX

Jules...........

A word of advice...if you intend killing him...dont post it on here..the cyber police might find it.
Im a Match.com expert now and do you know what..I joined 18 months ago and am still a paid up member and there are loads of girls who were members then who still are.
It just shows how difficult it is to meet the right person..but its not that much of an issue for me.
I seem to be light years ahead of everyone on here..when we split..everything was agreed by the day I left..I had my money..she had the old house..I had my life back..she is now living with a player and a cheat...and they say there is no God...well apart from moi!!!:D

[aqua]

Hi jools

If I feel down I do think of all the horrible things he has done. I think the worst was when he spent the night with OW as I was sitting by my dying grans bedside. My gran thought of my husband as a grandson - loved him dearly. She'd turn in her grave if she knew what was going on!
Yes, I think someone is ifluencing my husband because I never knew he could be so cruel. She, on the other hand, can be a nasty piece of work

I need closure. No I'm not ready for divorce, but I must do it sooner rather than later for reasons I can't divulge in public.

GG - I partake in internet dating not to find another man but just for distraction and it did give me a buzz. That buzz has worn off. I need to find something else to give me a buzz!!!

"and they say there is no God...well apart from moi!!!"
I rolled my eyes at that comment ;)

[Ginger God]

Hi jools

If I feel down I do think of all the horrible things he has done. I think the worst was when he spent the night with OW as I was sitting by my dying grans bedside. My gran thought of my husband as a grandson - loved him dearly. She'd turn in her grave if she knew what was going on!
Yes, I think someone is ifluencing my husband because I never knew he could be so cruel. She, on the other hand, can be a nasty piece of work

I need closure. No I'm not ready for divorce, but I must do it sooner rather than later for reasons I can't divulge in public.

GG - I partake in internet dating not to find another man but just for distraction and it did give me a buzz. That buzz has worn off. I need to find something else to give me a buzz!!!

"and they say there is no God...well apart from moi!!!"
I rolled my eyes at that comment ;)


Well at least it made you smile......

PS...You dont have to call me God...Graham will do......:p

[aqua]

Graham

smile? no. just rolling eyes :D:D

po faced aqua.

[Ginger God]

Sorry..dont understand these smilies....

Always smile, I know its hard just now.

Dont be Po faced.....Did you sing the song Barbie Girl????:confused:

[aqua]

Graham

I was just jesting with you :eek:

Plus I only use the po faced look in the classroom (when needed that is) !!

NO! I'm not a barbie girl in a barbie world!

Back to my OP - my son sent the OW a text stating that he never wants to meet up with her. Funnily enough I had her number! He wanted to make sure she knew from him becasue who knows what my H is telling her about the children. He was very polite so I couldn't see the harm.

While my life is only going to be diffcult for a short time, and I will come thru this, my H's life is always going to be guilt ridden and difficult where the children are concerned. That puts a smile on my face, Graham!

aqua

[Ginger God]

Need to be careful about using the kids if I am reading between the lines correctly here..but I understand where you are coming from.
I was just revving you up too.
Anything that puts a smile on your face is good, it will probably fall apart in the fullness of time.

God (:oGinger Variety)

[aqua]

Graham
My son said to me, I wish I could tell her (OW) how I feel about her. I just gave him her number. I wouldn't use the children like that.

aqua

[jools]

Hi Aqua
My 18 year old (17 at the time) also sent a text to ow. She asked or rather told me in advance she was doing it and I told her to go ahead. Not sure of the exact wording but she did ask me how to spell home wrecker! I think the children should be allowed a voice in this - as long as it's their own genuine feelings about it. And I think it's important that the other people know how the children feel too.
While my life is only going to be diffcult for a short time, and I will come thru this, my H's life is always going to be guilt ridden and difficult where the children are concerned.Exactly!
Jools XX
________
Lovely Wendie (http://www.lovelywendie99.com/)

[Ginger God]

I suppose the difference is the fact that although my kids have him living with them now they dont officially know that their Mum had an affair. They are 10 and 13 and to be honest they will probably have a fair idea what went on.
They know I despise the man and thats about it..I have never bad mouthed their Mum to them.
I know its hard but sometimes it takes a bigger person to say nothing and no Im not judging anyone because whatever makes someone feel good is ok with me. Because I have come a long way Im comfortable saying nothing now.

Graham

[aqua]

"I think the children should be allowed a voice in this - as long as it's their own genuine feelings about it. And I think it's important that the other people know how the children feel too."

Jools - Absolutely!

My eldest son has been wanting to have a say for a long time but wasn't sure how to go about it.

I know he won't get a return message, but at least there will be no doubt in OW's mind how my children feel about her.

Graham - I don't need to bad mouth my H. His actions speak volumes and my children aren't stupid. I let them make their own mind up. My son just felt the need to speak out. He feels better for having done so. Who knows what line H is feeding her about the children. I know H lies to OW as well!!

aqua


aqua

[Ginger God]

Cannae argue with your last comment Aqua.....I have no idea what line she is feeding them either..but all I know is that the kids "appear" to be happy and ok so I suppose I cant ask for anymore.

Graham

[aqua]

Graham - that's it in a nutshell....as long as the children are happy.
That's my number one priority. They matter more than I do.

Mind you they aren't happy at the moment and it's totally my fault.
I beat them both at tenpin bowling this afternoon. :eek::D

aqua

[outoftheblue]

Hi Aqua,
It's so hard with the children in the middle of it. I so wish now I'd paid more attention to those 'true-life' stories and agony Aunt advice columns in the magazines at the hairdressers.
I know I shouldn't influence our son or 'involve' him in our conflict, but the truth is he is involved. One day he had a Dad he worshipped and was best mates with, teasing each other over music tastes downloading itunes etc and the next his Dad has upped and gone. The very fact he left our son 6 weeks before crucial AS exams was cruel. I managed to not tell him about his Dad's ow until he had finished them, but trying to keep our son focussed on revision etc when I was quietly falling apart was the hardest thing I've ever done.

My next dilemma is the results are due this week. They could be good, bad or ugly (which would definitely be down to h), but our son is adamant he won't tell his Dad what the grades are. I know this will hurt h because deep down he cares very much and has worked so hard to pay for our son to go to a top school (on a part scholarship) because he is bright. Anyway, I'm trying to be a good mum/person and think it would be harsh to deliberately hurt h, but I also think it is one way our son can regain some control. His Dad has controlled everything since he left, contact etc and we have just been left waiting in the wings.
I know I am just remembering the old h and don't want to think of him being sad and rejected by his own son, but that is what he did to both of us whether deliberately to be cruel or as part of a depression/MLC and maybe if the tables are turned he might realise just how cruel he has been.
Advice on how to proceed this week is most welcome here or on my thread outoftheblue.
Aqua, I think you should let the children do what feels right for them because otherwise it's mixed messages it's OK for h to do what he wants but the rest of us have to play by the rules and behave like saints. Of course two wrongs etc and I prefer to keep my dignity on the very lonely moral high ground, but for children they are more impulsive and need to act out how they feel from day to day. Also I think when there is an ow, it is right the children are allowed to voice objections. they are standing up for what they believe in and for what is morally right. If their Dad thinks about it they could actually be proud of them!

XXX

[aqua]

Hi outoftheblue

Thanks for your response. You're right, no matter how hard you try and protect your children from the fall out of a marriage breakdown, they will still be affected. I don't want my children to take sides but they see how I feel sometimes. I talk to them about it as I want them to do the same. They seem to be doing really well considering and I've had no major problems to deal with. They are 12 and 9.

"...we have just been left waiting in the wings."
At the beginning of my separation I did just that, waiting around as if I had no control. But I do have control and I decided to get on with our lives, that's not to say I don't have ups and downs (these are well documented on this site!!!) I don't care if my H is going thru a MLC the damage has been done. I think using a label is making an excuse for their behaviour. My H has just become cruel and uncaring. I've decided to move on.

We, as spurned mums and dads, have to be very strong. I had to get my son thru an operation knowng his dad was moving out two days later!!

If your son doesn't want to let his dad know leave it at that for a while. On the day of the results he might change his mind. His dad may phone and ask about the results - who knows? Go with the flow and see what happens.

Take care
aqua.

[jools]

I don't care if my H is going thru a MLC the damage has been done. I think using a label is making an excuse for their behaviour. My H has just become cruel and uncaring. I've decided to move on. Absolutely and amen to that one! I spent 3 yeas researching MLC, trying to help him, spent fortunes on various vitamins and fish oils, read Divorce Busters, made excuses for his behaviour, walked on egg shells (so did my daughters), rejoiced at every day he seemed "normal" or threw some encouraging affectionate behaviour my way. etc etc.... And then I discovered evidence of emotional affair with ow and my sympathy evaporated. It explained an awful lot. Whether they're the reason or the remdy it matters not. The only thing they're symptomatic of in my experience is the spouse's capacity for selfishness at the expense of their family. They can do the poor me thing all they want but it reaches the point where you think "No, actually... poor kids, poor ME!" You're right, Aqua; there's a danger that by sticking a label on it (MLC) we are in some way excusing it like it's some illness. I think it's just lack of back bone.

I also made the mistake of joining an mlc support site full of well meaning lovely women (mainly women as it seems more of a man's "disease"). Bad move. It was interestng but also depressing as I realised that these women were imprisoned by their H's mlc. They'd been on the site regularly for years analysing their H's every move and still hoping for a reconcilliation - even tho many of the H's were living with ow!!! That's so sad. And I didn't manage to find one case where the H came home and the marriage was saved. I banned myself from that site and made a vow to move on.


It's early days for you, OOTB. You might be one of the lucky ones and I don't mean to discourage you. I'm just saying what I think 4 years down the line (one year since we split). Good luck to you.
Jools. XX
________
Big tits vid (http://www.****tube.com/categories/10/big-tits/videos/1)

[Ginger God]

Graham - that's it in a nutshell....as long as the children are happy.
That's my number one priority. They matter more than I do.

Mind you they aren't happy at the moment and it's totally my fault.
I beat them both at tenpin bowling this afternoon. :eek::D

aqua

How the hell did you manage to beat them at ten pin bowling...all girls are crap at bowling..eeks.....:eek:

[aqua]

Graham

Roll of the eyes while I ignore the blatantly sexist comment...:rolleyes:

My trick was to visualise a 'certain persons' ugly mug on each of those ten pins!!!! :eek::D:eek::D worked for me.

hehe

aqua

[Ginger God]

Graham

Roll of the eyes while I ignore the blatantly sexist comment...:rolleyes:

My trick was to visualise a 'certain persons' ugly mug on each of those ten pins!!!! :eek::D:eek::D worked for me.

hehe

aqua

Oh the bitterness....the bitterness....still disnae make you a good bowler...rolls the eyes and waits for the incoming exocet....me sexist??

Go and get me a cup of tea darling.....:rolleyes:

[aqua]

of course, sweetheart... One lump or two?

Bitter, me? No way, that's the arsenic I've just put in your cuppa!! :eek:

;)aqua

[Ginger God]

of course, sweetheart... One lump or two?

Bitter, me? No way, that's the arsenic I've just put in your cuppa!! :eek:

;)aqua

Nobody has called me sweetheart for a while..got any garibaldis?

As I have said to folk here before..be bitter..its how you channel it that matters..we arent meant to roll over and die when a partner cheats..you are allowed to be bitter.:p

[aqua]

no gari baldies but I do have some custard creams. Would you like to share the packet with me?

I'm not bitter - honest. Angry - yes. :mad:
I was only jesting with you again Graham sweetiepie.
I didn't really visualise the ugly mug on the pins, but if I had said I'm just so good at bowling, you wouldn't have believed me, or thought I was big headed.

Now go mend the fence, man, and don't take all day and don't leave a mess !!:p

granny aqua

[Ginger God]

Sorry...cannae wire a plug so no chance of mending a fence....As well as being known as the Ginger God...it has been mentioned in dispatches that I am also The God of Lurv.....but thats not for me to say....so I am good at some things!!:eek:

[aqua]

A full 360 degree eye roll :rolleyes:

"...so I am good at some things!!":eek:

Let your dates be the judge of that!!!

[Ginger God]

A full 360 degree eye roll :rolleyes:

"...so I am good at some things!!":eek:

Let your dates be the judge of that!!!


Aqua....I will just keep giving you the bullets......:D

[aqua]

Graham

I could say something rather 'naughty' to you now in response...but I won't. Not a public board anyway... I have my reputation to consider even if you don't :eek:

From now on I shall keep a belated but dignified silence.

angel aqua.

[Ginger God]

Angel in "Cyberworld"...nobody knows you..why worry about reputations!!!!:mad:

[aqua]

I think my bullets are bigger than yours!!;)

I was jesting with you again Graham. It's one of the reasons I sometimes hate the virtual world...can't see someone's facial expressions or body language to know when they are playing with you.

aqua

ps. I'm gonna get dizzy with all this eye rolling :rolleyes::eek: