A one night stand?

[Unregistered]

I asked why, how, what, and who. He met her the previous Tuesday at a Coffee Bean and Tea Leaf in Santa Monica while he was supposed to be studying. She was stood up and chatted him up a little when she asked for a cigarette. He responded by asking about her and invited her to join US as a party on Friday where she might be able to meet some nice guys since she was obviously looking to date. He never told me about meeting her even though I have a standing rule of talking about strange women he befriends (we've had problems with him picking up weird friends who then stalked our family). She knew he had a wife and two children by the end of their talk. On Thursday he was working all night on a school project and I had waited up for him so that I could come pick him up if he got finished early (we only have one car). By 2: 30 in the am he said he would not be home and I went on to bed. In the morning (5:30) I called him to see if he'd like me to bring him a change of clothes for the day and his shaving stuff. I also missed him and wanted to kiss and hug him. I dropped off both our children (ages 10 and 3) at school and then met him at his Fraternity house. We hugged and I could see his fellow lab parterns passed out on the couch and some still working hard at the computers in the lab. He looked tired and I felt for him. I kissed him goodbye and went off to work. I was so exausted that evening (Friday) I didn't think I could make the fraternity's annual halloween party. I told him I was going to meet my sister for dinner and would be home after but that I was too tired to pull another all nighter at the party. I took the kids with me so he could get a nap. He said he would probably just sleep or get some homework done. He didn't think he would go to the party either. BUT HE DID. He went early to help set up so he could get his active member points for helping. SHE arrived at 10 when the party started. They hung out together the whole party. This hurt alot because when I go to the parties with him he spends only a half hour out of four hours with me. I spend the rest of the time alone. I'm too much older than the other members to really "hang out" much. Then he suggested to her he would like some coffee so she offered to take him to a place she knew nearby. She lives very close to the Fraternity and hangs out in the area often. She bought him coffee and they hung out there a little while. Then they left so she could drop him off at his car. When they got to his car, she leaned in to kiss him and he responded. They made out in the car for a while, feeling each other up and down and kissing deeply until she suggested they go to her apartment. She is a live in nanny at a house nearby. She drove him to her house where they each used the restroom and started making out again. They undressed and he performed oral on her. Then she performed oral on him. Then she got on top of him. They he took her from behind. Afterward she wanted to go again but he was already feeling like he had made a mistake. (HE DIDNT GET IT UNTIL THEN!!!! WHAT THE HECK ABOUT THE KISSING AND GOING TO COFFEE!!!) She made some comments, the kind that are supposed to make her sound very sexy and make him want her some more, but he said he should go home now. He washed up in her bathroom a little and they dressed. SHe drove him to the car and she asked him if he had ever done this before. He said no, and she asked if he thought he made a mistake. He said maybe. (WHAT THE HELL WITH THE MAYBE CRAP) She told him he should figure out what was going on and give her a call. He kissed her goodbye and came home. His arrival woke me up. I had let the kids fall asleep in bed with me. While he went in the bathroom I moved the two kids to their own beds. When he got into bed with me he didn't touch me. He kissed me good night (YUCKY TO THINK WHERE THAT MOUTH WAS). I started to try and play with him because he us usually very amourous after a party and I was surprised by his behaviour. I was actually a little suspicious. I asked him whey he was so late (he arrived at 4: 45 am and the party gets out at 2:00 am usually and we only live 10 minutes away). He made up a story about chatting with some guys in one of the rooms and that he didn't remember their names (that was such an obvious lie). So now it's Saturday and he had an already planned activity with some old family friends he hadn't seen in many years. We went.

Continued on a response......

[Unregistered]

We got home late and I was tired so we didn't talk much or have sex. He was distant. Sunday morning I dropped him off to do some studying and after only an hour he called me and asked him my mom could babysit so we could have a talk. I heard the seriousness in his voice and immediately left to meet him. I thought maybe his grandmother had died or his mother or sister were hurt. I never imagined what he was going to tell me. I cried and screamed and yelled. I was so angry. So hurt. I thought I was going to die right then and there. I immediately wanted him out of our house. He cried and listened to me and apologized over and over. I've never experienced such a total feeling of loss before. Everything we've worked toward these last six years. My supporting him going back to school. My missing him night after night while he was gone more than 18 hours a day either going to class or studying. He never wanted to study at home. I had been sensing some distance for the last three or four years. I never kept my feelings secret. I wrote him letters and told him how much I loved him and missed him all the time. I never imagined he would ever be unfaithful to me. I know he is pretty dense and never knows when a woman is coming on to him. Half of the coversation they had, he can't remember. He gets his facts about the evening confused. He begged me to go to couciling with him and not give up on us completely. By Thursday morning I agreed to try. I didn't really believe we would ever work out. I just needed to give him hope so he could be productive at school. I know if he cracks now, he might never graduate. He won't be eligible for student loans next year so he MUST finish this year. As the days pass I feel like Dr. Jekyl and Mr. Hyde. I have these angry flashbacks of him telling me or I suddenly see him giving her oral. I have all this anger towards her too. I know I can't ever sort it out. On the Monday after he told me, she called me and gave me relationship advice. Can you freaking believe that. She gave me advice. She told me she understood because her old boyfriend cheated on her too. I can't freaking believe that. If I could have reached throught the phone I would have hit her. Instead I was controlled and I thanked her for her concern and tried to cut her advice off after 15 minutes. All my life I've had one clear understanding. If a man cheats on me, the relationship is over. Being with him goes against all my most basic beliefs. It is the worst struggle I've ever had. Every day I want to tell him I can't do this. Each flashback breaks my heart again and again. Now I find myself wondering why her, why now. What did I do. How was I insufficient. He said he doesn't know. The only feedback I seem to get is he doens't know why he did it or what he was thinking. He doesn't even remember what they discussed. I don't understand that. That night ruined my whole life, how can it not be important enough to remember? I would think every moment would be burned in his mind forever. I love him so much. It wouldn't hurt if I didn't but I don't know if I can stick with him for the long haul and I'm not sure I'm willing to sacrifice another two years or more to him just to be betrayed again. We talk alot now about his feelings. We used to talk before but not as much up to November 2nd (the night). Now he is even talking about having fantasies about us trying experimental drugs together. He knows I'm totally against drugs so would never really ask me but he admits he thinks about it. He thinks it would be a bonding experience. HOW THE HECK IS RISKING MY LIFE TO SOME STREET DRUG A GOOD IDEA! I think it's basically over. He talked today about being bored with our life. I can see he is unhappy. I'm happy being home and spending the day in bed together and just having some fun at the park with the kids but he wants more stuctured excitement. We don't have alot of money since he is a full time student at UCLA so he resents our having to only have "cheap fun". I am going to the counciling once a week with him. He said he would seek also individual counciling about possible depression but it's been three weeks and he hasn't taken any actual action. He also refuses to see our doctor to have an STD screening. the oral sex between them was unprotected so he could have brought any manner of stuff home but still nothing to try and see a doctor. We have full medical coverage but he refuses to use our doctors. He is trying to make it annonymous for fear of what his medical record will say. I really think he should be more concerned about giving me a possible STD than his pride. How is the truth a bad part of your medical record. It's not like it's a lie. I tried to make an appointment for him since I know he's busy and his response was "are you trying to humiliate me". His desire to fix this relationship just seems really half assed. He says he thinks I just want an excuse to leave him. DON"T I ALREADY HAVE THAT> I'm making every effort I can just to be near him. Trying to be "normal" around the kids is killing me sometimes. Our oldest daughter already knows something is up because I was crying every fifteen minutes in the car when he was gone at school. I haven't told many people close to me. I told my mom because I needed her support and to hold me while I cried. She loves him too and is torn. She just says she's here no matter what. I had to tell my office friend because she share and office and I had to keep our door closed because of my breakdowns the first day back at work. I'm sorry this is so long. I'm just still trying to process it all. Sometimes it feels so unreal and sometimes I think I won't survive it. I have to cross HER street every day to take HIM to school. I'm trying to fight the panic attacks. I'm scheduled to see my doctor next week about possible medication for the depression and panic attacks. I feel so ugly and disgusting. I want to see him about losing weight too. I want to make all these changes to myself but I know now is not the time to make drastic changes. I'm not in my right mind. Does it ever get better? Is it over?

-Danielle

[Kate]

Dear Danielle,

You've had a huge shock haven't you and it's bound to have shaken your confidence in yourself and your trust in your husband. At least he has had the honesty to tell you and he does seem to have tried to give you a fairly detailed account. If he can't answer all your questions, it's probably because he's feeling confused about it all and doesn't want to think about it.

He is probably struggling with having hurt you so badly and trying to come to terms with it himself and this may explain some of his behaviour. He may not be able to make much sense of it himself or even understand why he did it. I'm sure he regrets it and wishes it hadn't happened. It's very natural to want to know why it happened, but there may not be a simple answer. Perhaps that's not the most helpful question to be asking, perhaps it's better to be asking "How can we move forward from here and find some healing and hope."

It's a good thing that he wants to go to counselling whatever the future holds, you both need to face up to things and work through them if you can. If you read some of the articles in the Infidelity (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/marriageclinic/infidelity/) section of the site you'll see that it takes a long time to work through things and to deal with the pain and mistrust. It's not going to go away overnight.

Forgiveness (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/marriageclinic/relbasictopic/forgive/) is a challenge when your loved one lets you down in this way, but it is essential to both of you finding a way forward and to rebuilding trust (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/marriageclinic/relbasictopic/trust/).

You're very wise to get some medical advice and support from your doctor. Perhaps you can talk to him/her about your concerns about STD's.

I've put in some links to articles and areas of the site incase there is anything there that will help you. You ask whether it's over - well that depends on both of you being willing to battle through. With professional help, support, love and patience, there is no reason why you cannot rebuild your marriage again.

With best wishes

Kate

[ONS]

Well as an update on my story here is how the next few weeks went.

I decided to just "decide" to let it be better. I decided to just get past it. So I told him on Dec 7th that I wanted us to work and would do whatever it took to make that happen. He didn't seem impressed or have any reaction at all. I was a little disappointed. When we got home I let him know I was a little disappointed in his reaction. He apologized and it was ok. We started to talk and I told him that some of the ways he had told me what happened still didn't add up and if he could please clarify some of the details. I started by saying what I knew and mid way he stopped me. He said he had been lying about many of the details and he confessed the revised version of the story. I broke down again. All these weeks of trying so hard. He had even been lying in Therapy. I tried to take it well but I lost control and started to sob uncontrollably. I felt so stupid. Here I had born my soul to him and had opened myself up to him again trying to put it behind us. All this time the best thing he had going was the fact that he had been "totally honest" and had come clean so soon after the affair occured. Now all that had been destroyed, again.
I didn't think I could ever stay now but I'm still here. I'm not very happy but I'm here. We've continued counciling but I recently cancelled seeing them. I want to find another one. This one doesn't seem to consider infidelity to be a very big issue. She even told me not to discuss it anymore because it upset my spouse and she interupts us when we talk with interjections about her personal life (like what she bought her grandkids for Xmas). Finally in our last session Instead of just letter her stop me again I said "let me finish" and she sighed loudly and practically rolled her eyes. I'd had enough. I was almost in tears that evening and this was not helping. I'm on the lookout for a new therapist and will begin making calls and leaving messages tonight. She actually said that it was my asking him questions that forced him to lie. She actually said I made him lie. I don't see how you "make" anyone do anything. I'm in the same relationship he is in and it didn't "make" me cheat or lie. Anyway, ever since that night I'm on the fence about us working but I'm trying to get back to ground zero again. We've had a few more episodes since that have backtracked us pretty bad like he threw the affair in my face when he was angry at me on new years eve. He leaned in to my ear close and held my shoulders and whispered "you want reality, reality is I slept with her and that's it". He reapeated that more than once and I just about hit the ground. It was like day one all over again.
Anyway, not so great. But I'm here.

[Kate]

Dear ONS,

I'm glad you've been trying to sort things out, but it does sound as though your therapist is acting a bit strangely if she is discussing her own life in your sessions.

It does strike me though that she may have got a point in what she has been saying. I often find it tough that people I don't necessarily like or respect can put their finger on something and it is worth listening to. She says that you are causing your husband to lie by asking so many questions. I think it may be possible that that is how he is reacting to your questions. He may feel cornered or worn down and think that any answer is better than feeling the way he does. It's not an unusual reaction, even if it's not a very helpful or honest one. When we're trapped we usually go on the defensive.

It may be that you need to ask yourself what drives your desire to know everything and be sure you've got to the truth. There does come a time when we have to move on without necessarily having everything tidy and "cut and dried". Forgiveness is about just that - it's about letting go. It's about not extracting punishment and revenge. It's about accepting that our needs aren't necessarily going to be met. It's about surrendering our rights to whatever we think our partner owes us. It's about giving up our demand for control in the situation. It's about saying our future is more important than a mistake of the past.

Perhaps this is what is needed for you both to move on now. Perhaps it's the most loving thing you can do for your husband and perhaps it might surprise you - you may find it actually does help you as well.

Just a thought.....

Kate