Separated, Not by choice...

[StayingPositive]

My husband and I have been married 4 years next week, together for almost 8. We have a three year old son who adores his father. Things have always been kinda edgy but we muddled through them, like bills being paid late, (becasue I don't know how to budget), to not having the house cleaned, (excuse me, I work 40 hours a week, commute 4 hours a day), to dealing with his obsessive need to do drugs. We have always had this fight about him doing drugs, I kept saying no more, he always said this is the last time, over and over again, to the point where I finally realized that I was a co-dependent. Well he went on a binge three weeks ago and came back and said, HE IS UNHAPPY IN OUR MARRIAGE, that is why he continues to do drugs. Because I can't pay the bills on time, I have asked for his help, but i think alot of this falls on my lap. I did not take the time to really focus on the important things to him. I have since realized that if I had some esteem on my part I could make things happen for our marriage. Only if I love myself, can anyone truly love me, right? To my family it sounds like they think I am just laying blame on me and not on him. But I have to say alot of it is me. I was lazy, scared, insecure. Held a cell phone leash to him, hid the truth about bills.

A few days ago he informed me also that the friend he has been talking to, now understand this friend is from his highschool days that he didn't find necessary to tell me about, all the while they are text messaging eachother all day, all night and to tell me his conversations are personal, he now has feelings for. He said she doesn't but he does.

I have since changed my thinking, I want to be the person he wants me to be. Do you think there is a chance for us? I believe in my heart that he will quit drugs if he is happier. He doesn't like doing drugs, it just makes him feel good. And to all you people out there that are going to say WAKE UP, HE IS A DRUG ADDICT AND WILL SAY ANYTHING, I don't believe this true.

Anyway, any thoughts, suggestions, ideas?

[what-happened]

HE IS UNHAPPY IN OUR MARRIAGE, that is why he continues to do drugs.

I want to be the person he wants me to be.

I believe in my heart that he will quit drugs if he is happier. He doesn't like doing drugs, it just makes him feel good.


I do not know your situation but I do know that drugs will not make someone happy it just makes them care less that they are unhappy. I would be amazed if drugs ever improved any relationship let alone a marriage so on that score he does appear to need help. It would seem to me that he will not quit drugs if he is happier but could be happier if he quits drugs, the tails does not wag the dog if you see what I mean.

I would suggest that rather than trying to be the person he wants you to be you be the person you want to be. That way you can hold your head high no matter what and that was the person he fell in love with and married.

I wish you the best in this and admire your commitment but each of you have your own individual targets to achieve, hopefully with the support of the other party but it is something you must do for yourselves. All the best.