Fairytale marriage becomes lonely nightmare - can you give me some advice?

[Tilly]

Hello, I hope you can help me or at least talk to me...

My husband and I got married in a year and a half ago. It was a fairytale romance as he is intelligent, kind, smart, popular and very attractive to boot. I am an antipodean having relocated to the UK three years ago.

When we got married everything was a dream. He is the kind of guy a girl dreams about meeting and almost has to pinch herself when she does in terms of talent, upbringing, education, fun, looks, popularity.

I am 5 years older than him at 34 and we are very similar in a lot of ways. A year and a half into our marriage and I stumbled upon some emails (on my email account that he'd forgotten to delete) between his mother and him. His mother (Oxford educated, divorced from his father since he was 6, father passed away 6 years ago) was pressuring him to separate and divorce me. I almost fainted!

She had always supported us getting married and when I first met her and she looked at me she said "you're perfect for my son". Now I feel that she feels her hold over him is slipping so she is trying to undermine our marriage.

That wouldn't be such a problem if HB wasn't in her grasp to the extent he is. She phones every night at 8pm just as I serve up dinner. Instead of asking if he can call her back he goes into the bedroom and talks to her for about half an hour while his dinner goes cold on the table. She invites him around for dinner but asks that it's "immediate family only" (i.e. only him, his mother and his sister). I sit at home by myself.

If we have something special planned and she knows about it his mother will phone with some 'emergency' (past examples have been sore hand - think it's arthritis, someone is creeping around outside the house, please come over - she lives 40 mins drive away.... etc).

I have tried to gently bring this up with HB in the past and he gets angry saying his family come number one in his life. His mother brought him up without the support of his father and he owes her everything.

This is hard for me as I have no family in the UK - he is my only family here.

If we have a disagreement he leaves and stays at his mother's place. This has happened several times, varying in length from 2 nights to 8 nights without a phonecall. His mother dotes on him, always building him up telling him how beautiful, clever, etc he is (which is true).

I feel she almost brainwashes him as she is an intelligent, overbearing, manipulative woman who has now 'lost' (as she sees it) the second man in her life.

Any advice? I am so lonely and feel like I rank number three or four in HB's life after his family and close friends. He is out again tonight with his sister. I was not allowed to come. His dinner is cold again and he has switched his phone off.

Tilly

[calmfornow]

Hi Tilly,
My first thoughts are that your husband is a mummy's boy! She HAS brainwashed him but although I understand that you love him, you also put him on a pedestal. Ok he may be beautiful, clever and popular but so what? He needs to grow up and act like a man now. He is no longer a little boy and he married you. You should be his no.1 priority now. I am sorry but he is not mature enough to be married and he needs to shape up or ship out. I know you don't want to hear this but it may be extremely difficult for him to change.
cfn.

[Raymond]

Tilly this is a clear case of excercising a control spirit. Your husband's mother has never cut him loose and he is still controlled by her although he doesn't admit it. This is very unhealthy as we should groom our children towards independence. Obviously she couldn't do this and he is still tied to her apron strings. She has never let him go in the right sense. This is more powerful than you think. The only one who can break it is your husband. If he stands up to her he can break it although I warn you it will be a struggle for him. She will use everything in the book to make him feel guilty. The bible says a man will leave his mother and father and cleave to his wife. Obviously not in this case. Your husband may not even see this as he has always been like this, but others will see it and know deep down that it is not right.

I've read a whole book on this subject from a christian perspective where a married son for instance thought that something should be painted blue and then mother said it should be red and he just submits to it. Others can travel in jobs and are under some kind of legalistic bondage that they have to phone their mother every night. Nothing wrong with phoning Mum, but this is something else and needs to be broken.

I fully understand your predicament and yes I know it is so subtle, but you just try and break it on your own and you will know the very real power behind it which can break your marriage. You will have to stand up to her. don't give her an inch. More importantly your husband needs to stand up to her if he values his marriage.

Raymond

[Coffeebean]

have you thought of reverse psycology. The power she has she is taking advantage of and if you pull and she pulls you will loose. What about talking postiviely about her and the family all the time. When she has an emergency go along with your h and say you wanted to help to. Try calling her regularly even if she is cold towards you to say you were think about her and wanted to see how she is. This will make you look like the good guy and her behavour now becomes unreasonable. I know its a cheek that you should do this but I recon if its a power struggle you will lose the fight especially with your h feeling so pasionately about it.

Any thoughts on this approach or is it too wishywashy?

[jools]

Hi Tilly
Three lots of spot on comments here i'd say. I agree with cfn that you've got yourself a mummy's boy! I also agree that you seem to put him on a pedestal too. And one he doesn't deserve! His first loyalty should now be to you - or at the very least you should be level pegging with his mum! I would also add that she might think she's a good mother but in fact she's a terrible mother. She should have equipped her son for independence and then cut him free. What she's doing is disgusting! And I think that the whole family are treating you disgustingly (doesn't his sister ever say you should be at their gatherings?) Bloody hard one to solve. I know what i'd end up doing - but it's probably not the text book correct approach. I'd end up going to see her and in a very controlled way laying all the cards on the table. I'm assuming of course that you've already done this with your H and got no where. What's gonna happen if you ever have children together? You'll end up wanting to kill her!!
Jools
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[Tilly]

Dear Friends

Wow, you have been amazing! Just to have some replies has boosted my spirits no end.

Sometimes I feel like I must be going mad, that this is my fault, that perhaps I am not seeing straight. But I laid it down truthfully and I feel I have some sane people outside of 'the triangle' offering me real advice.

Talking to his Mum is almost out of the question as she would feign disbelief and hurt, then turn to HB as the vulnerable, wounded, wronged caring mother.

This is a very insidious and carefully constructed web... mother spins her web around him with a mix of advice, distain, guilt, lies and martyrdom.

I know that husband and wife are meant to 'leave and cleave', and I feel there is a yoke of bondage hanging above us, a power that she exercises to exert her control over him, even if it's not to his benefit at the end of the day - it's more to her own benefit (i.e. "I have power")

Tilly