So hurt - and feel very alone

[huskypup]

Hi everyone, this is my first post, and please accept my apologies if I am waffling.

My HB came home two weeks ago today and told me he didn't love me anymore and that he was moving out, he thought we had drifted apart and that we were more friends than a husband and wife, he was very shocked when I said that I didn't feel the same way. After alot of tears and talking - on both parts he said he would stay and we could try and sort it out, he is in the RAF and he goes away in a weeks time for 4 months (this is not the first time he has been away)

We have been together for 8 years and have been married for 3, I am his third wife and he is my second husband, my first husband left me for my friend and it took along time for me to get over that - he was also RAF.

HB came home from work on the Tuesday and we continued to talk, he said he thought he was staying for the wrong reasons, while I was at work on the Wed he took all of his clothes and moved into the mess, he left a note on the dining table and posted his key though the front door. I was a mess, we don't live were he is stationed, my sister managed to get hold of him and he was in a state, he was crying and kept saying that he felt guilty for hurting so many people - my family love him as much as I do. She finally persuaded him to phone me, he just kept saying sorry but he didn't love me - he phoned his two children the next night and told them. He then turned his phone off and I heard nothing more from him for 4 days, again my sister contacted him (I was in no state to) - he came to see me last Monday and said sorry but he didn't love me, he was so nice and caring, and I just got more and more upset, he said I was to stay in the house until he comes back in Jan and his wages will still go into our account until we sort the house out.

I heard nothing until last Friday when he phoned me at work, as bright and as normal as anything, to tell me he was leaving to go down to his parents, he was going to tell his family then. I have not heard anything since, he has said he will come and see me before he goes.

Not only have I lost my husband, my home, but also his children, Ihave given them 8 years of my life, emotionally and financially, there mum has said tehy can come down and see me anytime they want to, but realisitcally I don't think they will, I sit with MSM on all the time, hoping that one of them comes on line, I miss them as much as I miss there dad.
Hb never wanted anymore children so I gave up my right to have them for him - and I now feel very upset.

My heart is broken, I have sat in the house for nearly two weeks, I am so lonely and hurt, I am in limbo for the next four months, he says if I want to sell the house while he is away I can, send the paperwork out tohim and he will sell it, I can have any profit, there isnt much as we only remortgaged a few months ago, to payoff debts and we have a secured loan on the house, that we used for renovations, so I will be lucky to come out of it with anything.

How can he just walk away.

Sorry to have waffled but I can't stop crying.

[AnnieP]

You poor thing. I am so sorry that you feel so alone and bereft by all this. It must be awful for you.
You really do sound like you need some time to get your head together on this one. I expect you are still in total shock!
Is there anybody you could have to come to stay with you for a bit, or whom you could go to for a few days? I have found it so much help to have a friend at hand for the last weekend when my H walked. Every time I felt a bit wobbly, she gently guided me off the subject and onto happier things. It was getting me down as it was all I was thinking about and I was absolutely drained. I slept better and now feel a bit calmer.
Also counselling may just help.
Is there a families officer you could talk to? Surely the RAF have a duty of care to see you all right too?

[huskypup]

All the RAF are concerned about is that he is still contributing financially to the household. Gone are the days of families officers etc in the RAF. There obligation is tohim, they have given him a room in the Sgts mess for 93 days starting when he gets back from the Falklands rent free so he is not financially burdened.

My sister phones me on the hour, but she has small children, my mum is so agressive about the situation she doesn't help. All of my friends are married and the ones that are single are divorced but have their children to focus on, I feel like I am being a burden to everyone, I did go down to our social club in the village on Sun eve, (I work there part time) they all knew, no-one said anything, I sat at the bar with a neighbour, I felt very alone.

I feel as if it must be all my fault, I am 36 and it is now happened to me twice.

I have a doctors appointment on Thurs morning - I am on leave this week, as is my HB as we were going to spend some time together before he went. I don't want to go back to work just in case he comes round.

Im spending my days and nights trawling the internet trying to find mortgages and somewhere to live - I have 2 dogs and 4 cats and no one is going to rent to me, but they are all I have now, I couldn't bear to be parted from them as well.

I tried to take my wedding rings off but I couldn't.

I went to see a medium last week (don't diss me for it) she only knew my name nothing else, everything she said was so true. Basically just ride out the pain, I will get through it, she took my wedding ring and said there was no partner attached to it, and I will be stronger than I ever thought I'd be - and she said some stuff that concerned the future and relationships (but we'll see about those).

I just thought this could never happen to me again.

[IcingOnTheMoon]

Oh, dear, what an awful thing to be going through! I know this forum is a virtual thing and we can't sit face to face, but the people here are wonderful and honest. Sometimes blunt, but it's a good thing. There are several here who are going through of have gone through what you are now, and will be able to help you through. Keep posting, even if it's just for a way to vent!
((((huskypup))))

[Topsy47]

Hi Huskypup
I'm so sorry to read what you are going through. I understand a little as my H left 4wks ago - similar reasons in that he thinks the spark has gone in our marriage has gone and he adamantly refuses to try and work things out. Fortunately in our case there are no children involved, that must be so terribly hard on you.

I agree with AnnieP about looking for some counselling as I am finding this very helpful and motivating. If you can't find someone to stay with you, you should still try and make the effort to spend time with friends - regardless of their situations, good friends will still want to spend time with you and support you. You are not being a burden to them - we all have times when we need our friends and this is one of them.

Well done on going to the social club, it will be hard at first but it will get better. I felt sick and anxious every time I did anything to start with but thats not happened quite so much as time goes on.

focus on yourself and what you can do. Its great that you have your pets as they are very therapeutic - I have a cat and her being there makes me feel I am not always coming home to an empty house.

Hold on in there and stay as positive as you can
topsy

[huskypup]

Well I managed to do a shift at the club tonight without breaking down in tears, tonight I feel very angry with him (I take it that is normal). Tommorrow I may be a complete wreck.

Ive a doctors appointment on Thursday and I will ask about seeing if I can talk to someone.

Why do the people you put all of your trust into suddenly turn on you.

I still love my husband and want more than anything to have my life back, but I don't particularly like him at the moment.

[huskypup]

Billyboy

The thing is, it has come completely out of the blue, I thought we had a really good relationship -proves what a good judge I am, at times I thought we had hit married for 30 years syndrome, but I used to think that we were comfortable with each other - how wrong was I.

I also think there is something deep down that he is not telling me, I'd like to think its another woman (I know that sounds strange - but Ive someone else to vent my anger at), but I don't think he has, if he has he wasn't putting much effort into that relationship either.

He is SUPPOSED!! to come and see me today, he hasn't said a time, he will text me, so there I am waiting for him again, and him laying down all the shots.

We'll see what happens if he does come round, he is on leave this week and I haven't a clue where he is, I assume he is still with his childrendown in Somerset with his parents.

Still hurts that none of his family have contacted me - but then I shouldn't be surprised they used to call me by his ex-wifes name for year, I hope his next girlfriend gets called by my name.

[IcingOnTheMoon]

Pardon my ignorance, but am i correct in assuming the the RAF is a military thing? (see my post in "Location of Members"... If so, I've been a military wife for some time it's really, really hard on a marriage.
Hang in there, honey, you'll make it! and keep posting!

[huskypup]

Second time as a military wife - don't think Im very good at it!!

[IcingOnTheMoon]

It's very difficult. It's hard to be away from each other for so long. It seems that just as you get used to them being gone, they come back and the cycle starts all over again. My hubby and I had a REALLY hard time the first time he came home from Iraq. The kids and I had our routines, and he felt he didn't fit in. I thought he needed to relax and rest, goof off, whatever he wanted. After all, he'd had a pretty rough life in the last year overseas...He, however needed to do the dishes, help out in the house, help with the kids. This is what made him feel a part of things. Total communication issues. He suspected me of cheating (I would NEVER, EVER do that, btw!) and I was suspicious of a friendship with a female officer he made over there. What a mess! We went to counselling (I think you guys call it Relate) and got through it. He still has alot of insecurities (as do I), we're working on it though. ----That's why I came to the site. However, now it seems that my problems are nothing compared to what others here are dealing with---

The military is hard on a family. We have a saying: "If the Army wanted you to have a family, they would have issued you one!" They're getting better about that though. Here at least.
My heart goes out to you for your pain. But from what I gather here, you are a strong, courageous woman, and I have every faith that you'll get through this!
Stay strong (but cry if you need to!)
~Sarah

[Topsy47]

Hiya! I'm 36 as well so it must definitely be the age to be treated like this!

I don't know anything about being a military wife but can understand that it must put a completely different strain on a marriage.

Re his family not contacting you, I think its quite natural when these things first happen. I get on really well with my father and sister-in-law but had heard nothing from them. I think perhaps they initially feel its best not to get involved and to give you and H time to sort things out between yourselves. They may also think you dont want to hear from them given the circumstances. It was only coincidence that I ran into my sister in law last weekend and now she has invited me over but I dont think that would have happened otherwise.

I also thought my marriage was very comfortable and I dont know if thats exactly where the problem has arisen - I think we became a bit complacent and stopped making the effort thinking that everything was going along fine. has there been any event lately that might have sparked a reaction in your H? Our problems all seem to stem from his mum dying in sudden and difficult circumstances.

Its very frustrating when you just dont know why they've gone or why they refuse to try and work things out.

P

[huskypup]

Well he phoned tonight, and he is coming round tommorrow afternoon to collect the rest of his things and to sort out paying his share of the mortgage and shared bills. He was so cold on the phone, I tried really hard not to get upset but couldn't help it, he said that he had made the right decision and that he wasn't coming back.

I am so heartbroken, I can't stop crying, I had tried to prepare myself for this, but it has hit me like a brick, he still says I have done nothing wrong but I can't help thinking that i have.

He says he will continue to pay his share of the mortgage until I am ready to sell, though I know that this can not go on indefinatley, as he will struggle to pay for the house and to live in the mess.

When asked about the animals and how I was going to be able to rent somewhere with them, he just said well I'll take them when I get a quarter, as if he hasn't done enough, by losing my husband, my home, my children and now my animals as well.

I thought I was beginning to sort my head out, I will have to phone a solicitor tommorrow and find out where I stand.

Three weeks ago, I was happily married (or I thought I was) and now I don't know whether I am coming or going.

[IcingOnTheMoon]

oh, huskypup, I'm so sorry! I'd love to say, "chin up!" and all that good stuff, but it's probably not what you need right now. Please know that I (and others on the forum) will be thinking kind thoughts of you and will be right here if you need us!

Hang in there, Sweetie!
~Sarah

[Topsy47]

Hi Huskypup
How you doing today?

I am certainly in a similar situation in some regards - 5wks ago I thought my marriage was fine and now I don't know what to do. My H is also saying he will pay half the mortgage for the time being - I don't know about you, but there is part of me that just wants to get out the house if its never going to be 'ours' again and another part of me that just goes to pieces when I think about splitting everything out and all the hard work we put into creating a home.

Regarding your pets, maybe he can look after them on a temporary basis until you are settled - is he the sort of person who would do that or do you think he would then want to hang on to them?

My H is still trying to do things to help me - he is coming round during his week off to mow the lawn and repair a couple of things. Its such mixed messages as he seems to do things to help but I dont know if he is just trying to do the 'right thing' cos he feels bad about leaving. He was contacting me virtually every day but now that is trailing off a bit and I am really having to accept the reality that he is gone.

Its hard going and I dont know where things are going to go from here but hope we will all support each other.

P

[huskypup]

HB issupposed to be coming round about 3ish, I have collected some of his belongings in placed them in boxes for him to take with him, things like CD's photographs of the children etc. Im strong at the moment, what'll I'll be like when the doorbell goes I don't know.

Like you topsy, I go between wanting to sell the house now, as I can't bear to be in it, to not wanting to leave as it is my home. His solicitor (yes he has seen one) has told him, he should pay 3/4 of the mortgage and 1/2 loan on the house as he earns more than me, plus 1/2 of any bills that go with keeping the house going, like life insurance, house insurance etc.

He goes away in 4 days for 4 1/2 months, so maybe it will get easier when he has gone and I can't pick up the phone and call him.

Will let you know how it goes, have heard nothing from his family orfrom his children, I think that I will just have to accept the fact that I am not part of their family anymore.

[Topsy47]

Will be thinking of you this afternoon - just try and be brave and strong and get through it as best you can.

He might seem very cold but sometimes that is the only way a person can be in situations like this - its his way of coping.

My H also says its nothing that I've done wrong - in a way it makes it even worse cos you just cant understand why they want to go if you havent actually done anything!

We haven't gone down the road of solicitors yet - at the moment things are pretty amicable so I am hoping we will be able to negotiate most things ourselves although I'm well aware that that could all change depending on how things go.

Re the house, I am trying to make my mind constantly picture how it will be selling up and dividing our possessions (he hasn't taken everything yet as there isnt room at his dads) - it upsets me every time but I feel that if I think about it enough I will get to the point where I realise that I will cope with it if that makes sense. I agree that you cant stay in the house indefinitely but that doesnt mean you have to do anything rash. Dont worry about whether he can afford both sets of bills - thats his problem and not yours. As long as you can get by for the moment, there's no reason for you to rush into anything, just take your time and work through things til you are ready to go.

Have you thought of any counselling yet? I have to say that I've found it very helpful - obviously doesnt give you all the answers but does help you focus on yourself and see things a bit more clearly.

Let us know how you get on later.

Topsy
x

[huskypup]

Hello

Well he came and has now gone, there was no shouting, a few tears on my behalf but no sobbing (not until he had gone). He took the things that I had packed for him, plus a few bits more.

He will continue to pay his share of the mortgage and the bills, until I am ready to put the house on the market, he has agreed to pay off a couple of the smaller loans and pay half of the selling costs, so not to take such a large chunk out of the profit of the house. I can keep all of the money and he wants nothing from the house, though I have said should he wish to change his mind he can.

He goes away on Tuesday and would like me to still keep in touch with him while he is down the Falklands, but that is my choice, though he will still email me to say hello now and again. Should I choose to sell the house before he comes back, I am just let him know.

I can understand why he left and took his belongings while I wasn't here as watching him pack his car and drive away tore me into pieces.

He says he never ment to hurt me, and he is sorry that I feel the way that I do, but one day I will realise that I wasn't as happy as I thought I was and that I will then be able to forgive him for what he had to do.

It was all very civilised, he even looked tearful, now I feel very numb - can't cry anymore. I can't believe how much my life has changed in three weeks.

He says he will phone me before he flys on Tuesday.

I am very numb, and think its all a dream.

Im quite calm actually, don't think Im normal.

Im getting out of the house for a while, going to my neighbours, and for the first time in three weeks Im goingto have a drink, probably not the wisest move, but i do now feel as if I could have one and not get too emotional (famous last words).

Tommorrow I'll put my rational head on and try and sort my life out.

Thank you everyone for your kind words.

[Coffeebean]

I just really felt I had to send you my support after all you are going through. I'm 32 and had mine do something similar in December and only u-turned when he found my mum had put a lawyer in place and all the males in my family but I find I am still so unsettled as I don't know why he u-turned.

Keep strong and safe. If he is willing to pay for the time being I would let him so that at least you can keep your animals. I found our animals a great comfort to me during this time.

If I may venture to be careful with the drink. I turned to sleeping tablets but actually found they didn't work. Surprisingly - and I was taking a LOT of them more than anybody knows. Thankfully they didnot harm the baby and I came to my sences before any damage done. I gave myself 2 weeks to fall apart (with my mum working in the background :) but had to move and think quickly with a baby on the way.

I wish I could take this pain from you and send you all my prayers and support over the next months that follow. Don't forget to be kind to yourself and very gentle.

Anytime you just want to vent here do so I have found it so helpful and people so kind x

[huskypup]

hello

Just got back in, and surprisingly I found I had quite a good night, I had a few glasses of wine and something to eat, it was all of the girls from our close - surprisingly we have all been in the same situation and have been there for one another without even realising it, they have even come up with a plan for me to stay in the close.

I feel calm and Im ready for a good nights sleep.

Not enough to be drunk but quite enough to sleep which I think that I need. Tommmorrow I will contact a financial advisor and see where I stand.

Im off to bed after I have walked the dogs, the onl thought that did cross my mind earlier is that no=one would know if I came back or not from my late night walk = may have to change where I go.

Night all.

PS did see two shooting stars as we sat in the garden - sentimental fool that I am I did make a wish - and it wasn't for HB to come home!!

[Topsy47]

Hiya!
Well done on getting through yesterday, it must have been awful but you have held on in there.

I'm glad you have found some support from your neighbours and it sounds like you are putting your practical hat on and taking some positive steps.

My H is visiting tomorrow - we emailed earlier in the week and we have to decide whether to undertake some expensive repair work to our house, the basic decision is whether its worth doing if we are going to end up selling. As he has only been seeing a counsellor for a couple of weeks, I want to try and allow some more time before we make any major decisions as I am still living in hope that he might change his mind. Obviously I cant put it in quite those words to him but I am going to say that I still want to try and work things out and, whilst I know he doesnt, I want to delay making major decisions until we've both had more counselling as we both might start to see things from a different perspective. Fingers crossed!

Huskypup, I know what you mean about nobody knowing if you get home. My mum keeps getting me to ring her when I get in if I've been going out late!

Take care
Topsy

[huskypup]

Hello

I worked last night, I thought I was doing well, until someone asked me where HB was, I was brave at the time, but towards the end of the night I started to lose it, I work part time in the local sports club, I don't particularly enjoy it but the pay is good, the only trouble is it means on a Friday I have nearly a 18 hour working day, before HB did this I was going to quit when he came back from the Falklands, now I know that I have got to stay there to pay my bills for when I have to move, as my first job wouldn't get me anywhere.

I couldn't sleep last night, I touch my wedding ring off yesterday, sort of like a "I don't need you thing" I put it back on in the middle of the night, I've taken it off again this morning, as I know that I must try and move forward.

Still can't phone a financial advisor or a solicitor, as that seems to make it even more final.

There is a band on in the club tonight, and everyone is asking if I'm going down, it was ok going for a coke last Sunday and working there, but i don't think that I am ready to watch people being couply and having fun ( does that sound really strange).

I know that time does heal, and I should know, my first HB left me for a friend, but it didn't feel like this, when does this sick feeling start to go away.:(

[Topsy47]

Hi Huskypup, how you doing?

I get that sick and anxious feeling too although I've found it happens less as the weeks go by. My friend recommended a herbal tea called tension tamer which I have found quite good.

I took my wedding rings off quite early on - I kept looking at them and getting upset that eventually I wouldnt be able to wear them and found that overall it was easier to take them off altogether. I tried wearing my engagment ring on the other hand but that was worse!

Like you, I am not ready to do anything re solicitors, selling house etc as its too much too soon right now. Of course I am also trying to delay things as much as possible as I still harbour hopes that he will change his mind.

He is coming round at 2pm today and I am going to suggest to him we delay making any big decisions on anything until we've both had more counselling and I am also going to suggest some joint counselling further down the line - although I'm not expecting him to agree to that today, just want to put the idea in his head. I'm nervous about seeing him but also looking forward to it cos I miss him.

I was meant to be seeing his sister tonight but she has had to cancel. Bit disappointed as hoped I might find out more but never mind. fortunately I've been invited to a BBQ in the meantime.

re the band in the club tonight, I think you should try and go Huskypup. It might be hard and you may not have a great night but I think its good to try and make the effort to get and about and do things. Sitting at home alone gives you a lot of time to dwell on situations and going out may at least distract you from some of whats going on.

Topsy

[huskypup]

Hi everyone

On a good day today, went to a BBQ last night, was abit wary as they are my husbands friends as well, but it was OK, we went to the club for a drink afterwards, not as daunting as I thought it was going to be.

Ive walked the dogs and cut the grass and now I preparing dinner for the single girls in the close, we are eating everything in my freezer that I won't cook for myself.

Doing my shopping yesterday was strange, buying things for one person, I suppose you do get used to it after a while.

Had an offer on my house last night as well, said if they are still interested at the end of Nov come back and see me - will save quite abit on estate agents fee's as I need all the money that I can.

Taking each day slowly.

[Topsy47]

Hi Huskypup
Well done on getting out and about and keeping busy - I think its the best way of coping.

I also ended up at a BBQ last night - my friend was dumped by a partner 4wks after giving birth. Her daughter is now 3 and my friend is happily married to a new guy she met on internet dating. Another couple also met via the internet after broken marriages. I wouldnt say I am ready to start all that just yet but it just gave me some hope that people do get through these awful situations and end up doing well.

I've had an awful weekend in some respects (see my other posts) but I'm still trying to keep it together and keep busy.

Having this forum really helps!

[outoftheblue]

Hi Huskypup, thought I'd track down your thread rather than keep hijacking Topsy47's.
I think it's good you've had email contact from your h's children. It shows they still want to know you. I think it's a bit unrealistic for their mum to expect them to make the first move. They're quite young and probably don't understand alot about what's going on and whether you would want to be friends with them still.
Also children are notoriously bad at initiating contact and in their circumstances they might be wary of interfering or just not realise that you can still have a friendship with them They've obviously already had alot to deal with, with their Dad so might be wary of any adults in their life. but if you can maintain a friendship with them, obviously not in place of their mum, but just as a close friend I think it will help them in their future relationships to know that their Dad may have commitment issues, but it is nothing to do with them.
If you explain to their mum that you care about her children and want to help them now and in the future I'm sure she will be grateful.

Also on the wedding ring thing, not only am I still wearing mine, it seems welded on after 20 years and never having been off, but I am also wearing his. Early on I told him he shouldn't touch another woman wearing the wedding ring I placed on his hand in church and so he took it off (first time ever) and threw it down. I picked it up and put it on my right hand and told him I would keep it (and therefore our marriage) safe until he was ready to come and claim it.

Recently I asked if he missed his ring and he said yes every day he looked down at the groove where it was. And then unexpectedly his eyes filled with tears, his bottom lip wobbled and he said 'But it's still there'. Not quite sure what he meant, 'cos he is still with the ow, but a glimpse of regret maybe.

Is this an omen? Yesterday whilst supergluing something I managed to spill loads of glue all over my left hand particularly my ring finger and all over and under my wedding ring. I made a frantic dash to the bathroom to wash it off and managed to stop the ring becoming part of me, but is someone somewhere trying to tell me to keep it on or am I just losing the plot?
CXX

[huskypup]

Out of the Blue

I don't think you are losing the plot, we do what ever we have to do, to hang onto what we love and cherish the most. We are all different and if you feel you should still wear your rings - you do so, I just felt with mine that I was just kidding myself, how easily he walked away or ran away, in his head by the time he told me there was a problem, he had decided that there was no going back, he took his ring off quite early, though he says it is in his wallett, I have placed mine inside a wedding photo and frame and have put it in my happy box.:(

I went back to work today, and have felt that it helped, I have even made sure the neighbourhood gossip knew. I found I was ok to talk about it with out bursting into tears, I am working in the pub tonight, so I knowI'll be ok until I come home.

I know that each day does get easier, but somehow being easier also makes me feel guilty and am I letting go too easily and should I stand and fight some more - but I am so weary with it and now that he is 8000 miles away with only email for contact, I do think that all hope is lost.

[outoftheblue]

I am so impressed you went back to work. I have been hiding at home for weeks. I am lucky I only work part time 'cos of looking after his puppy, but the work I do is very stressful. I privately tutor preschool autistic children one to one and it requires so much effort that I just don't have at the moment.

I really love my job normally, because I can see such a difference in the children I work with, but at the moment I can barely function for myself. I find each day a real struggle, but the family I currently work for have been brilliant so I'm off till September.

I also admire the fact you're socialising. I'm hiding at home with my son watching an awful lot of crap tv!!

I understand though how low you feel and I'm right there with you. Your h really does seem to have commitment issues if you are his third wife so maybe you need to help him find a way to address these otherwise he's just going to go through life moving on every so often. You don't have to fight and I can understand how weary you are, but email him and be friendly offer companionship and no pressure.

As this all seems to have happened quite quickly, this maybe more to do with him needing to get you out of his mind whilst he's away. Knowing he's going to be away for 4 months, maybe he can only cope with that if he isn't pining for you/home. Did his other marriages ending coincide with spending time away? If you delve deeper, this could then relate to the commitment issues. Worth a look, but I could just be talking/typing rubbish - sorry.

Keep smiling - at least in public!
Cxx

[sp1967]

Hi

I know how you feel. 3 weeks ago my loved wife told me she no longer loves me and it ripped me apart. I have tried everything including logic and caring and none of it worked.

All I know now is that I cannot work or concentrait. but I do know this. She is suffering as bad as I am. One minute she loves me the next she does not.

Can I offer this advice to you. STOP chasing and start living. You need to look after yourself and let him think on his own. I started doing this (badly) but my wife has today stated that the christmas deadline is no more (the date she wanted to leave) and now we will just work at her feeelings. After 15 yrs together it still hurts like hell.

start to love who you are first, and watch him get curious! if it does not work, you will feeel so much better about yourself.

Best of luck girl. If all else fails, we could start a "ripped in two" club and be miserable together

[huskypup]

Today is a hard day, and I don't know why, its no different to yesterday, still no contact from HB.

Its my birthday on Sat and my sister and her family came across as they are going on holiday tommorrow, they had baked me a birthday cake, and my niece who is 4 sang Happy Birthday to me, then she sang her version of the Carpenters song Close to you, my sister said she has been practising it all week, so now they have gone and I am very tearful, she loves her Uncle and is always asking where he and the children are, hopefully she will stop asking soon, or realise that he has been at work a long time.

I am dreading Saturday, I know HB was never going to be here for it, but when he was away for my birthday last time he phoned me at midnight so he was the first person to say Happy Birthday and he had hidden my presents all around the house, last year he surprised me with a trip to Milan?monza to watch the Grand Prix, this year I will spend my birthday alone.

Im trying very hard not to feel sorry for myself, but it is so hard and I feel today very lonely.

I miss him so much.:(

[jools]

Hi Huskypup
Do you have friends that could come round to fill your home and time on your B'day?
Jools x
________
Alaska dispensary (http://alaska.dispensaries.org/)

[AnnieP]

So sorry Huskypup. I know how you feel, as I am feeling alone too. Its just awful. The ache is terrible.

I am sorry it is your birthday so soon after he has left you all alone. It will be a very emotional day. Get out, fill your day up, go anywhere, do anything. Beg borrow or steal friends for the day. Can you go to stay in someone elses house for the day? I would have said, getting yourself as far away from reminders of last year has to be a good thing.
Much love and keep strong
xxx

[outoftheblue]

Huskypup, I can feel the pain you're in and am right there with you. The loneliness is the hardest, and emotions run so high around birthdays. I recently spent my first one in 22 years without my H. No card, no phone call not even a miserable txt. I was soo sad.

In fact I convinced myself that he was soo depressed about the visit he had made 10 days earlier (which had been soo dreadfull and our son had told him he hated the man he was at the moment and didn't consider him his Dad,) that he had killed himself. None of the family had had any contact at all and as time went on I was convinced he was dead. By the time my birthday came I hadn't eaten properly for 5 days and was beside myself. I couldn't believe if he was alive he would not at least acknowledge my birthday. Like you Huskypup previous birthdays had always been special with thoughtful presents etc.

Surprisingly he was not so filled with remorse that he had killed himself, he was with ow!!! When I told him a few weeks later that that was really hurtful and to not even send a txt was unforgiveable - he said he hadn't known what to say!! I looked back at last years b'day card from him which was a beautiful sentimental wife card in which he had written himself 'to my Darling - I love you very much have a lovely day All my love forever'

Where has that man and Huskypup's gone? How can they switch off their feelings so completely and so suddenly and leave us utterly bereft?

My thoughts and prayers are with you Huskypup, you will get through Saturday, but not without a few tears I'm sure. Remember how much your family love you, esp. your niece and though I know it's no substitute for the one person who really really matters, you are not alone and all your 'friends' on this site are sending you love.

Try and keep occupied and out of the house if poss. Failing that come on here and we will uplift you virtually!!

Take Care
Cxx

[aqua]

huskypup

I can understand all your feelings and pain. It feels like you're in hell and you don't know what you've done to deserve it.I was where you were at the end of last year.

While we were going thru all this I had my 40th birthday. Before D day he already had lovely things planned way in advance. H did still do all these things but I wish he hadn't !!! His heart wasn't really in it and I knew it. I had a miserable time.

Some possible reasons your H hasn't acknowledged your birthday is
a. he feels guilty at causing you pain
b. he doesn't love you as much anymore, if at all
c. doesn't want to give you false hope of a reconciliation
d. he's preoccupied with OW

I don't know because no one knows what's going on in his head. All the above will be extremely hurtful to hear.

outoftheblue

Last year your H probably did love you and did see you being together forever, but things change and they have. At this moment in time anyway. Who knows about the future.

I'm on the same track as both of you but further down the line. I no longer think my husband will come to his senses. I've taken control of my life and trying to move on. I'm not going to wait around for him. I no longer think about how wonderful he used to be etc. I look at the present and see him for what he is now. A cold, cruel home wrecker who is trying to back me in to a corner. Would I want that person back in my life now? No. The goal for me is trying to come to terms with it all.

Just hang in there girls, you'll get through it one way or another. Life will never be the same again, just try and adapt. I'm not saying my life is a bed of roses but I'm getting there.

Best wishes
aqua

[huskypup]

Hi all

Thank you for putting up with my waffle these past few weeks, sometimes I get my head around it and think "I can do this" and I start tosort things out, others like yesterday, I just want to curl up in a ball and cry.

I had a card from his parents (I opened it as I was curious to see what was written in it), they had just signed there names, no love or words of encouragement just there names, the card didn't even have daughter-in-law on it, Im sure they don't know what to say and are embarressed but a love from on the card may have helped. Though I should be grateful as that was the first communication I have had from them.

The girls at work bought me lots of flowers today and two friends have bought me a lovely new purse (for when I go out on the town they say). Tommorrow wil be hard but I keep telling myself that I am strong and I will survive.

We are going to have a girlie BBQ tommorrow (in doors if it rains) and then maybe we will head to town tommorrow night. I am not going to let this get me down, he is weaker than me otherwise he wouldn't have walked away (Am I convincing anyone yet!!).

Thanks everyone for your kind words.

[jools]

Yes, Huskypup! You've convinced me! :) My first birthday with him gone was my 50th on new year's eve - so a double whammy there. I felt like sh*t! My friends descended and, funnily enough, brought a BBQ. Just as new year struck and we lit the BBQ it poured with rain! But it was better than being alone. I know I had more loving friends around me on my 50th than he recently had on his. Expect to be up and down on a regular basis - but we'll get there kiddo! Just one observation (that you might have noticed yourself) - hard partying with lots of booze might seem like a good idea but you will pay for it with a down day the next day due to the depressing effects of the alcohol (I've had a bit of one today as we all went out last night - but i've just done a 4 mile run and feel much better).
Just tell yourself - it might be a crappy b'day but it'll be the last one that you'll feel this bad! I'm practically immune to the effects of my H now. I say "practically" cos just now and then I realise that i'm not quite fully healed - but I reckon i'm 89% there. Not bad for a year.
You're doing good - and will get better.
Love Jools. XXXXXXXXX
________
Old man tubes (http://www.****tube.com/categories/29/old-man/videos/1)

[outoftheblue]

:):):):):):):):):)
Happy Birthday to you
Happy Birthday to you
Happy Birthday dear Huskypup
Happy Birthday to you
:):):):):):):):):)

Don't allow yourself to dwell on 'what if's' or past birthdays, just for today. As soon as thoughts creep into your head push them away (in a box in your mind if you like) and tell yourself you'll deal with them tomorrow. Focus on pretending you are happy and trying to convince yourself. Enjoy the company of friends at your indoor/outdoor BBQ if you can and make it your mission not to let him ruin your special day.

We are all here for you, sending you our love and our prayers.

Take Care and have some fun or some wine!!
Cxx

[jools]

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, HUSKYPUP!
Love Jools XX:D:D:D:D:D

________
Bag whip vaporizer comparison (http://vaporizers.net)

[calmfornow]

Happy Birthday
Huskypup.
cfn. x:D:D:D:D

[AnnieP]

BIG Birthday wishes Huskypup!
have a great day!
xxxx

[huskypup]

Hi all

Thank you for the birthday messages, Ive been busy this morning, its my birthday, but have had requests for my Chilli & Garlic mushrooms and Thai prawns to take to the BBQ.

My mum has been round this morning and my sister and neice have phoned from Turkey, and the nice surprise was a phone call from my stepchildren to wish me a happy birthday, which had the tears going again, but they were nice ones.

Nothing from HB, though I don't know why I thought there might be, if I can get through today I'll be ok.

Taking each day now one at a time, and repeated to myself "he is not worthy" "he is not worthy":D

Thank you everyone, and when I have found the recipe for Pina Colada I'll have one for all of you, though Im taking some of your advise and Im not going to get drunk, as I don't want to get too maudly on my birthday and alcohol doesn't help.

[huskypup]

Hi all

Well I survived my birthday, can't say it was the best Ive ever had but it can only make next year better, still nothing from HB, had a phone call yesterday from out best man at our wedding, he is RAF as well, he was just phoning to check I was ok and did I need anything while HB was away, HB had not told him!!, he was horrified and very angry, he had only spoken to HB 3 weeks ago, and HB had mentioned nothing to him at all he just said I was fine and busy and work etc. He was going to phone the Falklands on an internal line and speak to him, not sure what the outcome was though, he was not happy - and I don't feel guilty that one of HB friends is not happy with him.

It doesn't feel like we are seperated though, it just feels like a normal 4 month detatchment, I log onto the computer and expect to see an email or a bluey on the doorstep, Im sure in a few weeks I'll realise that they aren't coming and reality will really hit home.

Trying to keep busy and not think about things too much, everyone keeps telling me to make a solicitors appointment, but that makes it very final, I know I have to do it and get it in writing from him, what he is going to give me in monterary terms, but its very hard to finally admit that it is all over.

Im thinking of everyone else in the same position as me, and wish that it was all over some way of all of us.

Nancy

[AnnieP]

Huskypup. So glad you got through your birthday. Well done for being strong.
Hold fire on the solicitors thing.. There is no hurry is there? He is away, he is not hassling you, things are presumably being paid: Sit tight for a while until you are truly strong enough. A nice bit of space will do you the world of good and give youtime to prepare and move on.
Keep posting!
xxx

[Topsy47]

Hi Huskypup
sorry haven't posted for a while and sorry I missed your birthday (belated greetings!) - I've had one of those weeks where I just didn't feel like doing ANYTHING, even posting on here. don't know if other people get like that sometimes - it feels like you are getting through the week but you find you just havent done anything!

Anyway, well done on getting through your birthday and for getting on with things, difficult though it is. Its nice his parents sent you a card - I know it didn't say much but at least they are acknowledging you and they remembered that it was your birthday.

Re the solicitor, I agree with Annie in that he's away for a while and there is no major rush on this UNLESS its something you want to do. I am getting someone round to value my house next week but that is because I have decided that selling up is going to be the best thing for me, not because I feel I should. I think people make these suggestions because they are trying to help you do something constructive, but there are no wrong or right answers at the moment and you do not need to make rash decisions.

Take care
Topsy
x

[huskypup]

Still no word from HB, in a moment of anger (anger is good right:confused:) I put all of the letters and cards that he has given me over the years and I put them in the recycling bin, I got upset when I read some of the letters, but otherwise I was ok doing it, in fact it led to one of the best nights sleep I have had in a while.

Feel very numb now, very empty, I don't think there are any more tears left inside me.

Just finished working in the club, then back to an empty house,left the radio on for the dogs, so house wasn't totally silent when I came in, feels very strange.

I keep repeating his loss, his loss, I am stronger than him, when do you start to believe it.

Though on a positive note I was supposingly being chatted up while I was working tonight - me I was totally ablivisous to it:o, def out of touch.

[pmoon]

Huskpup, i know, i know so well, that feeling! Needing to feel that it is the others loss. In your case it is his loss!!! The fact that you have been going to work just shows how much you can cope!

You say you got chatted up! Know what you mean, i dont have a clue anymore, have been out of the game for too long! Not sure that i want anything else just yet, but its nice to be wanted!

Was your admirer nice? :)

Paul

[huskypup]

Pmoon

He was def very nice - 10 years younger than me and a bodybuilder, nice to know you still have it, even if you don't have a clue that you have!!

Just been talked into going into town tonight with some friends, this will be the first time that I have been out - outside of the village, not sure but I'll go and see.

[Topsy47]

Hiya Huskypup!

Hey, definitely good to know you've still got it! I got chatted up on the bus (of all places) a couple of weeks back and, although I wasn't interested, its very good for one's ego!

Well done on throwing away some of the cards and letters. I find myself doing things like that and I think its a way of showing yourself that you are coping.

Have a good time out tonight!

Topsy

[huskypup]

Hi all

Feel abit down this afternoon, still no word from HB, its been nearly 3 weeks since he went to the Falklands and 6 weeks since he walked out, I have just wrongly I know logged onto Stepdaughters email account - she has received a couple of emails from HB, not one of them did he ask how I was:(, she replied to him, she didn't mention me. I now feel very sad, in my own mind I'd sort of convinced myself that he sort of still cared, now I don't think he does. It would be so easy for me to email him and say hello, but part of me thinks why should I. People think that I am dealing with the situation ok because I have started to go out with friends, but inside my heart is still broken.

How can he just walk away from me and our life here as if the last 8 years haven't existed?

Feel like bursting into tears but I can't and won't give him the satisfaction - who am I kidding, I still love him with all my heart, and I hurt like hell.:(

[jools]

Aw Huskypup
It's horrible, I know. Just keep believing that this is as bad as it gets and you will feel lots happier in the not too distant future. Wish I was there with you to share a glass of wine and a chat.
Jools XXXXX
________
Black tube (http://www.****tube.com/categories/11/black/videos/1)

[outoftheblue]

Oh Huskypup I know exactly how you feel and so wish I could help. Don't know if it's good advice or not but why don't you just send him a friendly email.
I know when I have avoided contacting my H and been v. v. angry he hasn't been in touch, me making the first move has been all he has needed. When I have asked why he's not been in contact he has said cos he hasn't known what to say!! DERR!
Try emailing him asking him about life down there, weather etc. All very non-confrontational and give him some updates on life here. Keep it very light and friendly and see if he responds.
I know the danger with that is he might not and that is almost worse then I know, but I feel you've got to give it a go and then at least you'll know you tried.

Also try emailing his daughter. Again very friendly etc just to see how she is, what she's been doing in her holidays etc. Don't be sad you weren't mentioned in their emails I don't think it would be relevant. He would probably know you hadn't seen her so she wouldn't know how you are and she might not think to mention you or wouldn't want to mention you as she might think it is a taboo subject and not want to get involved. Sometimes all people need is a nudge in the right direction and they'll be in touch.

I know I am very guilty of that. I don't tend to 'phone people that much cos I assume they aren't interested in me and I'd be bothering them cos if they liked me they'd have been in touch. But my lack of confidence probably comes across as laziness or aloofness. Someone only has to ring or email and I am ready to respond etc as I suddenly feel wanted. Does everyone feel like that or is it just me?
I admire you for trying to go out even if inside you are falling apart. I know I don't have many close friends locally so if I am ever in the place where I want to get out there and see if I've still 'got it' (doubtful) I will have no one to go with. All of the people we used to socialise with are married so it was dinner parties and dinner dances which is never going to get me face to face with George Clooney or similar!

Stay strong and send those emails and take comfort from the fact that you are trying to do the right thing in a horrid situation.
Take Care and cry a little if you want to, it sometimes helps.
Cxx

[Topsy47]

Hi Huskypup

I think C's post makes a lot of sense.

There is no harm in contacting H, they do sometimes need a nudge. Mine was possibly going to pop over on Monday but didnt in the end - there were a couple of things I'd wanted to ask him so I just sent him an email on Tues morning and he replied within 5minutes! I then had to ring him about something and we ended up having a nice little chat - I keep things totally superficial when we chat cos the moment I mention anything 'serious' I know the shutters will come down! however, there is no rule that says you cannot continue friendly contact and if you can send a light hearted email to him then it won't do any harm.

I actually think that, while there are still a lot of practical issues to sort out (like bills, houses etc), then its even better if you do keep a friendly line of communication open.

good luck
topsy

[huskypup]

Hi all

Well I took everyone's advice and I sent him an email last night when Icame home from work, he hasn't replied yet:(, I kept it light hearted and just wrote general stuff, like what the cats and dogs have been upto etc, I didn't mention anything about the house etc. The only thing I did mention was about my illness stuff etc, as I think he'd like to know how I was getting on. I have a hormone problem that requires daily medication, and will do for the rest of my life, my medication has now been increased, they aren't sure if my body is shutting down again because of all the stress or whether things aren't working properly, I am having weeky blood tests to try and monitor things, it was one of the things he was concerned about the last time I did see him.

I have made an appointment with a mortgage consultant for next week, to see where I stand with buying a new house, I know that I must put things into place for me, as us doesnt seem to exist at the moment.

Still feel blue -can't seem to shift the headache Ive had for a fewdays, I think Ive now come down to earth with a bump, if I was an outsider watching me I would have probably predicted how I am feeling now, the going out to town and BBQ's were probably all too soon.

Feel like hiding away, Im ok when Im at work its when I come home - too many memories.

[Topsy47]

Hiya!

No, the BBQs and going out were not too soon - keeping busy and trying to have fun is a good thing.

Well done on arranging to see the mortgage consultant - doing things like that will help you take control of your situation. I know its not what you want to be doing (being in a similar boat!) but its what you have to do.

Sorry that H hasn't replied to your email - I guess its possible he hasn't had a chance to read it yet. I also find that when my H emails me, it sometimes takes me quite a while to compose a reply cos after years of talking freely, you suddenly find yourself guarded over everything you say.

Not surprised you have a headache, all this is so stressful and is a major trauma in your life. I just feel permanently tired but kind of getting used to that!

Just carry on taking one step at a time and just do the best you can. Its not going to be easy and you are bound to have some days when you feel horrid but hopefully those sort of days will become further and further apart as time goes on.

P
xxxx

[Topsy47]

Hey Huskypup!

How you doing? Any response from H yet?

P
x

[huskypup]

Hello

Still no word from HB, I know he has received the email, as he came on line while I was chatting to a friend last night, I was going to MSM him. but he logged off, he chatted to his son for a few moments, he said he was just checking his emails, so I know he has received it.:confused:.

On a good note his wages have still gone into our bank account along with some back pay!! so Im going shopping tommorrow and Im having some me time, I have a pedicure and facial booked - my sister and mum gave me some vouchers for my birthday, so I going to spend some money and not worry about bringing the mortgage amount down, also going to a UB40 concert on Sunday night, with some friends.

If only I had some answers from him, it think it would make it easier.

Why do we allow ourselves to get hurt this way, why because we love them.

[outoftheblue]

I'm so sorry he hasn't been in contact - just shows my advice was crap and I really don't know what I'm talking about.

I don't think it was the wrong thing though at least he knows you're there if he wants to get in touch. He may still be finding it awkward and not have a clue what to say.

At least he's paying the mortgage, you could even email to tell about the back pay. Enjoy being pampered over the weekend you deserve it and have fun at the concert.

Don't worry about feeling down, your hormone problem could also being having an effect on your mood. If you email H again don't talk about health too much, some men seem to have a blockage when it comes to medical matters and they switch off.

Have a good weekend
Cxx

[Topsy47]

Hi! Well I also thought it was a good idea to contact him. it could be that you making the first move and being friendly has thrown him somewhat and he isn't quite sure how to take it. When my H first left, he kept saying 'why are you being so nice to me' - I think he expected me to scream and shout more. So the chatty friendly approach may have just unsettled him slightly.

Your weekend plans sound excellent, hope you have a lovely time being pampered, you deserve it!

Enjoy the shopping too - a bit of retail therapy is always good!!!!!

P
xx

[outoftheblue]

Huskypup
Hope the retail therapy and the pampering perked you up. I'm so sorry he hasn't been in touch. My new advice is to leave him to stew now!!
Cxx

[huskypup]

Hi all

Still not heard from "he who has no name", couldnt bring myself to spend any money on Sat but I did enjoy the pedicure and the facial that my sister gave me vouchers for.

I cleared out under the stairs on Sunday morning, my friend who is training to be a phsyco therapist, has suggested that when I am really annoyed with him, I clear out another drawer and cupboard and put the rubbish the bin - eh his stuff in the bin, so when the house is sold all is the house rubbish free, I can start a new life, in my house without him in it - i think it makes sense.

Seeing a mortgage advisor tommorrow to see how I go about buying a new house, while I am in town I am going to call into a solicitors and just make an appointment, I need in writing what he has said I can have - just in case it goes that far - which if I am really truthful I think it will:(.

I still love "he who has no name anymore", but I can only take so much rejection and by telling me he no longer loves me -he has done the worst thing that he could possibly have done to me. My first HB (Im not a serial wedding cake eater honestly:D) had an affair, but he never told me he didn't love me, he just loved her as well!!

Went to a UB40 concert last night, we were reliving our teens, had a really good time and for once (or for last night at least) didn't mind coming back to an empty house.

Thanks everyone for all the good advice.

Huskypup aka Nancy

[Topsy47]

Hey Nancy, how's it going?

Its funny, I keep referring to my H as 'he who must not be named' like the baddie out of Harry Potter!

I'm also seeing the mortgage adviser this week so good luck to you. I think there is a sense of taking control of the situation when you go and talk to someone and find out exactly where you are and what you can do.

Obviously this situation is not one either of us want to be in but if we are going to get on with our lives, we have to move forward and do what is best for us.

I think I have said before but it strikes me more now - selling up and moving on is a positive in many ways. If H never returns then we have moved forward into our own new lives. If H does return then we can look at our new lives and then decide if we still want them to be part of it. Right now the obvious answer is YES of course we do but as time moves on and we rebuild things, you just never know.

Have to admit right now, I am a bit DUI so better get to bed and talk more sense in the morning.

Topsy
x

[huskypup]

Hi

I have been to see a mortgage advisor and have decided which way to go should it come to it, couldn't bring myself to go and make a solicitor appointment though, I'll try that next time I'm in town.

Been 6 1/2 weeks now, nearly 4 with no contact from him, I can't believe what a coward he is being, running away from all the trouble he has caused.

Each day is getting easier or shall I say the tears are getting less, I get upset when I chat to the children though, I turn the webcam off so they can't see me crying.

Taking each day as it comes.

Anyone heard from Coffee bean and whether she has had the baby.

[huskypup]

Hello

Just received an email from "he who has no name" he wanted to know what I was doing with the house and when, no apologies or anything, just that he knows he has done the right thing.

Spoke to a friend who works in a solicitors office today and she said I need to get in writing what he is going to pay for etc and he must sign it and have someone witness it, this is enough, don't need to get solicitors involved yet, so I have asked him to do this - not sure if he will.

Didn't get upset when I read his email, don't know why, maybe I have hit that place of no going back - have I hit it to soon.

I know he wants the house sold as soon as possible, but I hold the upper hand on that one, plus he's 8000 miles away, if he gives me some money now to cover the redemption I'll sell now otherwise it waits until Nov.

[Topsy47]

Hey Huskypup! How are you doing?

Reading your last couple of posts, it seems like you are moving into that 'I'm going to deal with it' stage which is good.

If you see my thread, you will see that I am at a similar stage with what to do with the house so hopefully we can support each other on these issues. Its funny isn't it, but I too hold most of the cards as far as the house is concerned - just a shame I don't hold so many as far as the relationship goes!

Regarding his email, my H is very emotionless in his emails. Without wanting to stereotype, I think a lot of men find it easier to deal with these situations by just looking at the practical issues rather than the emotional. I find I get almost instant responses if I contact H about the house or finances but he often avoids questions about how he is or what he might have been doing. So don't be surprised if his emails start to take a more practical tone.

I don't think you have hit the 'no going back' point too soon. Its just realising that you need to put you and your needs first. At some point, you have to accept that H means what he says and, even if you would be prepared to take him back, you also have to prepare for a future that doesn't include him. Once you start doing that, I think you start to feel better because you are taking control of your own destiny again and that can be quite empowering as you are no longer leaving the outcome of it all entirely in his hands.

Hope you've had a good weekend

Topsy
x

[huskypup]

Hi everyone

Just an update I now have the possibility of buying two houses in the cul-de-sac that I currently live in, and one of them actually doing a house swap, so that could be interesting on moving day!!.

No word from HB since the email, didn't think I would, I chatted to stepdaughter (MSN - still no verbal chat) last night, she said she knew he would email, I said that it was very formal and that he didn't care anymore - she came back with the reply "he still cares just not in the way you want him to anymore" - such an old head on a 14 year old shoulders, she has been through so much, she texts or emails me daily, I think she feels abit responsible for what her dad has done. I make my replies as happy as I can even lying when I have to, she doesn't need to know how upset I really am.

Spent the weekend doing DIY and painting bits and pieces around the house in ready for selling.

I know some people think that moving across the road from where I live now is not a good idea, but this street is where my friends are and I work close by, I love this street (overlooks the fields) nearly as much as I love my house and if I can house swap with across the road, we are all happy and I know they will love this house as much as I do.

A friend talked me into logging onto an internet dating site just for a laugh, I didn't post a picture but I have had a couple of replies and have chatted to afew people, no intention of meeting anyone, but it does your confidence the world of good, and it kills a few hours in the evening.

Delighted that coffee beans baby was born on my birthday, now a nice reason to remember the day.

Hope everyone is well and plodding on.

[Topsy47]

Hi Nancy

You were sounding much more positive in your last post, like you are really getting to grips with things.

If its what is going to make you happy, then its great you can stay in your own street. Although I won't be moving very far away from where I am now, the area I plan to go to is a comfort zone nearer my parents and some of my friends because that is what will work for me. I think the only thing you need to be wary of is how you will feel seeing someone else in 'your' house.

Well done on keeping cheerful in your emails to your stepdaughter - I think some people end up using children as pawns in their relationships and I admire you for not doing that and showing so much consideration for her feelings.

I've been on an internet dating site too - I think its just a confidence boost to know that there will still be men there as and when I am ready to go into something new! Its quite good fun.

Hope you have been having a good week
Topsy
x

[Topsy47]

how's it going Huskypup? I like to check up if you havent posted for a few days!

Topsy
x

[huskypup]

Hello

Checking up on me eh:D, I am fine, plodding on - have no choice, feeling really happy today, it is my step-sons birthday, I posted his present, and sent a text this morning wishing happy birthday, 20 mins later, he phoned me - I am over the moon, it is nearly 3 months since I last spoke to them, and he sounded so grown up, spoke to stepdaughter too, then there mum, and they are coming down for the weekend in two weeks time, I can't stop smiling, I have missed them so much, I won't mention HB while they are here, unless they ask, I am so excited, I can't wait to see them again.

Had a bad day yesterday, had an arguement with my mum, her and my stepdad aren't getting on and she is snappy at everyone, to the point of being horrible, well yesterday I just couldn't take it anymore (this has been going on for about 9 months- way before HB went off). They were bickering and I told them to pack it in and that I didn't like visiting anymore, she turned on me and was nasty, I just walked out, the problem was my sister had the same converation with her the day before - I ddin't know - now she thinks we are ganging up on her and taking dads side, not taking anysides, just don't want to have to walk into a warzone all the time. She won't now talk to me or my sister and dad is hiding in the greenhouse (honestly). I have enough on my plate without my mum threatening to never see us again (she is paranoid at the best of times) - we have to lie about going to see our real dad etc she is really jealous, we are 35 & 36 years old and neither me or my sister can deal with her anymore. She keeps putting the phone down on sister, I haven't even tried, will try later on.

But apart from the parents I am feeling really good today.

Hows everyone else?

[Topsy47]

Hiya! Well, I just check up to make sure you are doing OK!!!

Great news about seeing the kids and his parents - I bet that can't come round quick enough.

As for your parents, I'm hope it all calms down very quickly. I don't know about you but when I see my parents bickering (and they argue/bicker a lot) I really want to scream and point out to them that they are still together and should be making each other happy! My mum often moans to me about my dad and lately its driven me mad as a lot of it all seems so petty and I just don't want to hear about it when I have my relationship problems to deal with.

Are you close to your sister? I'm 36 and my sis is 39 - we often talk about our parents and it helps us feel more sane that we both feel the same way at times!!!!

Anyway.... glad you have had some good news re the kids. Stay happy and positive

Topsy
x

[AnnieP]

That's great news about the up and coming visit. It will give you something positive to focus on for the next couple of weeks. Can I suggest at the end of their visit, if it goes well and you enjoy it, you get out your diaries and arrange another date? There is nothing so low as having a good time and then the people go, without the prospect of another meeting to look forward to some time in the future.
Sorry about bickering parents. That's not what you need right now! You did well to walk out on it.
Take care
xxx

[outoftheblue]

I'm really pleased you'll be seeing the step kids, I think that's so important for all of you, because your H has treated you all badly so you're all in this together. Agree with Annie about diaries, it shows willing on your part and gives everyone something to look forward to. Would the girl come on her own at any time cos that would be nice for her to have you as an extra mum/friend/confidante etc. you could go girlie shopping etc have your hair /nails done and that would really forge a bond for both of you?

Can offer no advice on bickering parents though, what a nightmare. I do agree you and your sis should talk about it together. Doubt if your mum will answer your phone call. Could you write to her or send some flowers with a note. Obviously you don't need this stress at the mo, but your mum is obviously going through a tough time and not handling it well. She may be embarassed etc that second marrage is failing anmd is covering it up with aggression. Can you talk to your step Dad about it? Don't know how old she is, but could it be the menopause making her moody etc?

[huskypup]

Hello everyone

Update on mother situation, she phoned me and apologised, I told her the way she talks to people is not on, we agreed not to discuss it again.

I had an MSM chat with stepson Sunday evening with the webcam on, he is so upset he couldn't stop crying, he said that he loved me and missed me and still wanted to live with me (he always has done, but daughter would not leave her mum - so it was decided not to spilt the children up), I tried to gently explain as much as you can on MSM that I don't think it will happen now, he came back saying that he has always loved me as his mum and that I am the only one with time for him - he has ADD and is very sensitive. He said he wanted to come down before but didn't know how to ask - I was crying as much as he was. His dad seems to have forgotten him, he emails his daughter and puts give cuddles to xxxxxxxxxxx for me, rather than write to him himself. His mum has another daughter and has always been favoured.

He even offered to give me his birthday money to pay for the petrol and come and collect him. I am in bits, I don't know what to do now, am I making it worse by having them come and stay. I put some credit on his phone so he could phone me when he wanted to (I texted his mum and told her I had done this and to check if she minded - I can't go making assumptions anymore my seeing them is on her say so now not HB's). He phoned when he went to bed to say goodnight.

He has just started senior school and is very unsettled, he has very few friends were they live, but has loads here, so I think he is missing them as well, he had it all worked out, that he could live with me, as I am buying a two bed he can have the spare room, and goto his parents at weekends, one week HB and one week his mum.

I chatted to daughter not giving to much away and asked how she thought he was, she says she knows he is unhappy and that he misses me, but she will keep an eye on him, her mum knows as well, but thinks it will blow over so isn't mentioning it to him.

He is 12 years old and it is so much for him to take, we are now counting sleeps, I'll see how he is when he is down.

Daughter is 14, we have always close, she has asked for me to get her hair cut while she is.

HB just does not realise what he has done to these babes, they are watching there parents seperate for a second time, Son doesn't know anything else apart from his mum and xxxxxxxxxxx and his dad and me, he was only 3 when his parents seperated and I have been around since he was 3 and a half. Daughter is just to grown up for her own good.

I'll see how it goes when they are down.

[outoftheblue]

Huskypup you are such a lovely person, those children are soo lucky to still have you in their lives. It's great that their mum seems grown-up about it all as well.

You definitely must stay in touch with both of them and no of course it's not the wrong thing to have them to stay. Clearly the little chap wants to and needs to so the more you can offer and cope with it the better. Having ADD and changing school is stressful enough but together with all the other stuff it must be so hard for him. Boys seem to struggle far more than girls with this sort of stuff and whilst they're pretending to be tough etc they are crumpling on the inside. Also he is looking for his Dad to be a role model and probably feels very hurt by his attitude. Sticking by him now will probably help be a much better husband and father when he is older. Also do you think his Dad can't accept the ADD or do you think his Dad may even have ADD himself it might explain his behaviour and it can be hereditary?

I would imagine their mum is happy to have the odd break, so providing it's possible, let them come as much and as often as they can. (I think they're quite a way from you aren't they).

You clearly love them both and it would be wrong for you but especially wrong for them if you disappeared from their lives now, they need you as much as they need their other mum so well done for not wanting to bale on them.

Take care and whilst it is making you cry to see the children so mixed up, you are helping them enormously.

Cxx

[huskypup]

Hello

Thankyou for the nice words, not sure if I am such a nice person I have my moments:D.

Just had an MSM chat with HB, he was online when I logged on, asked him about putting it in writing about financial agreement as I had a solicitor appointment tommorrow, he said don't waste your money, I will do one tonight, my appointment is a free consultation he doesn't know that.

He was ok, just asked about animals and was I ok, still thinks he has made the right decision, and why I wasn't angry with him, said what is the point - is it going to make you come home, he said no:(.

He said his wages are still going into our bank - which is one less thing to worry about at the moment.

Just a very formal polite chat, very sad really.

Yes I no think HB has strains of ADD, his parents say that son is just like his dad was, except 40 years ago it wasn't diagnosed, not sure if it hereditary.

Son is a very loving child and wants nothing more than cuddles, HB see's that as needy, his motto is "never show a weakness" - which I think he has shown by doing what he has done - AGAIN!!!. He gets quite irritated with him yet not his daughter, Im not saying he doesn't love them equally, as he does, yes I do think he see's himself in son and can't handle it.

He knows they are coming down, and he has said he will not stand in the way, and they can come down when they want to - along as it doesnt infere with HIM seeing them - I know that he's there dad, and I wouldn't want to interfere with that.

He said he was very sorry for all that he had done, but he needed to do it for himself, but yes he agree's that going to the Falklands he has run away from it all.

Just an update, very hurt, no tears, though Im sure they'll be along soon!!.

Nancy

[Topsy47]

Hi Nancy

I think you are doing wonderfully well!

The way you are acting to the children sounds perfect to me - I don't have kids myself so no expert here but it seems to me that you are making yourself available to them whilst also making sure their mum is aware of the situation. You are doing your best to support everyone and well done you.

With the young boy, its sounds very hard but even if he cannot live with you, your being there for him will still count for a lot.

I sympathise with the attitude you are getting from your H, mine is much the same. He also thought it odd that I didn't get angry with him - I said the same, what good would it do. He still thinks he has made the right decision - I don't know about you but its very hard to get him to talk about his feelings although he will talk about the practical side of things e.g. finances etc.

I wish there was a set of rules on what to do in certain situations!

as for the tears, you just do it when you need to and remember we are all here for you whenever you need some kind words or support.

Topsy
x

[Topsy47]

Huskypup

i'm having to check up on you again :-)

How are things going?

Topsy
x

[huskypup]

Sorry tops I will promise to check in more, I do check in, just don't always sign in.

No change from HB no contact if he is online when I login, he signs out very quickly (or am I paraniod:)).

House going on market at the end of Oct, pointless doing before, if it sold quickly would be a nightmare getting him to sign paperwork with him being 8000 miles away and taking 2 weeks to get post to him if it didn't get lost on route.

Im going away with work for a week in a couple of weeks to Poland, so that will be good, looking forward to it, just to get away.

The children are coming down this weekend, though not for the whole weekend as I hoped, there mum is now coming to visit friends that live locally, so she is dropping them off late Sat afternoon and collecting them Sun lunchtime - Im happy to just have them - I am going to hug them so much:D.

I have been chatting online to a guy who lives not far from him, I did it as a joke with a friend, but now we chat most days, he makes me laugh - as much as someone can on a computer, he would like to meet for a drink, no addresses or phone numbers, he will even meet me when Im out with my friends, so quite safe, I would like to but feel guilty as if I am cheating and not trying to work at my marriage - if there is one - which I don't think there is to be honest. Its all just harmless banter - in fact some of the things said at the reading I think are related to him. Should I just go for it its not hurting anyone.

Apart from that I am plodding on, each day is getting easier - well apart from the other night, when I drank a whole bottle of red wine and a huge bar of chocolate, it was then that I realised that I had to get out of this house and move on.

Hope everyone else is ok.

[Topsy47]

Hi Huskypup

Glad to hear you are doing oK, bet you cannot wait to see the kids this weekend - hope you have a lovely time.

Good luck with the house - as with my experience, you can get a VERY quick sale so you are right to wait otherwise the logistics would be a nightmare. Also, you shouldn't have to do it all on your own - I have done quite a bit of the legwork for our sale but have now told H that he can arrange the removal company and stuff like that. I want him to take some responsiblity and also face up to the reality of what is going on.

How long are you going to Poland for? Def nice to get away whatever the reason.

Was glad to read the bit about the man you are talking to - I am in a really similar position and wasn't even sure whether to post about it! I too was mucking about with a friend on a chatline and got chatting to this guy who lives quite locally. We have been texting since and we seem to get on well but I am holding back from meeting. I have similar issues to you in that I don't want to jeopardise any chance of saving my marriage but then wonder who I am fooling given the situation I'm in! I am also finding it difficult to decide whether its the guy or just the attention that I really like although that is probably hard to know until I actually meet him. If I was giving advice to you... then I'd say go for it and see what happens, no harm in it and you deserve some fun. But I'm not sure I'll follow that advice myself cos it all feels weird so I think you just have to see what you feel comfortable with!

Let me know what you decide to do... then maybe I'll pluck up some courage!!!!!

topsy
x

[outoftheblue]

Husky, I'm so pleased the kids are going to have some one on one time with you. I think it will be important for all of you and the more you can open up to them and they to you about the current situation the healthier it will be for all of you.

To you and Topsy well done for the online bantering just be careful. I know what you mean about feeling guilty and I think it's probably the attention and feeling likeable that attracts you and why not? But meeting for a date (or whatever) is a whole other step and whilst you both deserve some fun etc etc the other person might be looking for more than either of you are ready to give. And what if one of their family sees you out on a date however innocent it is it might be misconstrued and you would have to end up defending yourselves opening up a can of worms that at the moment neither of you need to be dealing with.

Sorry that sounds so negative and didn't come across as I meant it. Maybe I'm just jealous cos nobody is interested in me and as I work with pre -school kids the chances of me ever meeting anyone of the opposite sex for even innocent online banter is nil. What's your secret girls?

Husky have a great weekend and let us know how it goes.
Cxx

[Topsy47]

C ,
Thanks for the advice over the dating. I don't think you are being negative and what you say is completely rational. I certainly wouldn't want my H to know I was seeing someone else and that, in itself, probably speaks volumes. At the same time, I don't want to turn down the chance of a bit of happiness if this guy turns out to be a good'un! I guess I'll carry on the banter for a bit and see where it leads - he only has my mobile number so I'm pretty safe!!!

I would agree that a lot of it is just feeling that someone else is interested in me! And don't you worry about meeting men - having read your thread, there is a chance you might not even need to!!!

Huskypup - maybe we will have to double-date, safety in numbers and all that - lol!

Topsy
x

[huskypup]

:DHi everyone

Just checking in:D.

really looking forward to this weekend, seeing the children is giong to be brilliant.

Topsey, I sit in a spiritual circle now and again, which is basically medtitation with some clairvoyancy, from personnel experience most messages passed to me have come true.

With reagrd to the online chats, It probably is the attention that is nice, I am happy to chat to him and he knows the score, I may meet him when in town with my friends. Thank you for everyones concern, its nice to know that someone cares.

Will let you all know how the weekend goes.

nancy

[Topsy47]

Hi Nancy

How did you get on with the kids this weekend? I know it must have been emotional for you but I hope you all had a lovely time.

I'm very interested in clairvoyancy. I used to do a little work with runes - remember telling a boyfriend his job was going to change and he got sacked the next day!!! Doesn't always work quite in the way you expect. I got my rune cards out this afternoon for the first time in years and I think I might get into it again.

The online stuff is definitely nice for attention - unfortunately the guy I was talking to has suddenly gone silent on me which is not so great for my confidence! Hope you are doing better!

Topsy
x

[huskypup]

Hello everyone

Need a group hug, children have gone back and now feel very sad, we had a brilliant weekend, and they want to come down again in Nov for my nieces birthday. I almost held the tears back, until I saw my neices and nephews playing with son & daughter, neice(4) told my 14 daughter how much she loved her and missed her, that brought tears to me and my sister, was doing ok then until daughter told my mum that she will always be her nanny, tears are flowing as I type this.:( Worse was my dad who openly burst into tears when he saw them - he couldn't stop hugging them.

My stepson is very sad, he can't see why his dad has left, in his head he should see his dad every other weekend like normal and me the other when I asked him about his mum he said well she has me during the week - I had no answer. I told his mum about the conversation she said she understood how sad he was and had tried to talk to him - but being a 12 year old boy he is bottling things up.

There mum dropped them off to me in the end, as she decided to come and visit some friends in the village, I think she wanted to be close in case it became to much for them, I even had their half sister come round for dinner today - she invited herself - I didn't mind it was nice to have teh place full of childrens laughter again, though now the house is very quiet again, Ive hoovered up the mud from son's and his friends football boots and Ive cleaned the toothpaste off the sink and the cotton wool balls from daughters bedroom floor and now Im on my own again and the tears won't stop. I knew saying goodbye to them today was going to be very hard. They have taken alot of their things back from their bedrooms, and the pain of HB going happened all over again. I always knew the first time would be hard.

There mum was great when she collected them, she hugged me and said thank you which had me in tears again (and her), I think we will be able to work this one out.

If only he knew how many peoples lives he had upset.

[Topsy47]

hi Nancy

BIG HUG... wish I could be there for you for real.

I didn't like to say in my previous post but I had a feeling the aftermath of the visit would be upsetting for you. However, seeing them must have been wonderful and its good to know that you are still loved and wanted by the children.

I doubt there is anything I can really say that will make you feel much better right now but I'm here online if you want to keep posting and have a chat.

Topsy
x

[huskypup]

Hi everyone - this is a duplicate posting, as I have just lost the one that I typed, two may appear never mind.

Feeling not so sad over the children we had a brilliant weekend and hopefully they will come down again in Nov, but it is upto there mum, and maybe she won't want to rock the boat, but she did say it was good for the them to see me.

I sent an email to him last night, I thought he'd like to know how the children are, I told him about stepson being really down and wanting to see me more often, also he hasn't put in writing about the seperation and the house - which he has promised to do, so as nicely as I could told him he still had a responsibility to me and the house and without it in writing and witnessed by his CO, Im not selling the house - its that simple - he caused this mess and he can sort it out.

Im starting to toughen up over him, think my throwing away something everyday is helping, when I do eventually move there will no niknaks things moving with me, only the big furniture and some of the pictures that I personnally choose, new house, new me, new start.

Im still chatting online to friend, he wants to meet for a coffee, but I don't feel ready yet, he knows the score and is quiet happy for things to stay as they are for the time being, he makes me laugh as much as you can over a computer and for me to laugh again is a big step as I haven't done that much recently, Im starting to look forward to our chats. No rush.

Hope everyone else is ok and bearing up.

Take care

Nancy
x

[Topsy47]

Hi Nancy!

Well done! You are really taking hold of things and getting on with your life. Its not always easy but taking control of a few things can definitely make you feel a lot better.

I hope you get to see the children again soon - they clearly want to see you so hopefully everyone will agree its for the best for you all to maintain contact.

Seems like your internet man is a nice guy, prepared to wait and everything. I'm still chatting to mine and he also makes me laugh - we might be getting a bit closer to meeting up (he is quite local) so will see how that pans out.

Talk soon
topsy
x

[Topsy47]

Hi Huskypup!

How's it going? When are you off on your travels? Hope you have fun.

I know from my thread that you aren't putting the house up for sale til H is back in the country - how long will that be now? Let me know if you need any support when all that starts as that is what I am going through at the moment!

Take care and update us all soon
Topsy
x

[huskypup]

Hello

Had an email & MSN message from "him with no name" last night TELLING!! me we needed to talk. Replied telling him I will be online tonight - we'll see what he has to say.

It is so hard trying to communicate through MSN and email, he can phone me at work Free of charge on the military network, I have my own office and so its private - it would make it so much easier.

I feel quite jittering, as I don't know what he wants, probably just going to give the answers to the questions that I have asked him.

Gutted and annoyed that I missed him last night, I had left computer on with me being away while I popped next door for a coffee.

Wish me luck.

[Topsy47]

Hi Nancy

I take it from the tone of the message that you don't think its going to be anything positive e.g. he wants to talk about your relationship? I suppose if that were the case he would be more likely to ring you.

If it is to give answers to the questions you had then make sure you think of what else you need/want to ask him while he is there.

It is a shame you missed him last night but being unavailable isn't always a bad thing!

You will be absolutely fine - drop us all a line later and let us know how it goes.

Good Luck!
Topsy
x

[bonefont52]

hello icant tell you anything that can make you feel better at this time you will
feel better as time goes on you will iassure you forget.If you can try to listen to a song by Mchael Macdonald its called "you cant make it love " it will give some way to get rid of the pain and it seems to me youve got to do that fast.
please change do it dont stay in the rut, do it change change change you can and will do it. lots of understanding Rafael!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[huskypup]

Hi everyone

Just checking in:). Just got back from a week in Germany & Poland with work, it was quite an emotional trip as I was escorting a group of POW's to Berlin and then onto Stalag Luft III (the great escape), lots of tears - mine but not because of me, but also alot of laughs. (I just hope someone doesn't put on you tube - me teaching the Germans to sing Auld Langs Eyne at 4am Fri morning!!)

Still nothing from him, this cannot carry on like this, I have a private buyer coming round to see the house tommorrow, - so moving ok in that direction.


Anyone heard from Topsey?

Nancy

[huskypup]

:(Ok, now I am really confused, HB phoned last night twice, once at 2200 and again at 0230, he was in tears telling me how much he missed me and that he had made a terrible mistake and that I was right all along. He said he had thrown away the greatest thing that he had ever been given and that was me, but he doesn't know how to put it right, he was sobbing down the phone, - I phoned him back )dread the phone bill as he is still in the Falkland Islands. He was really upset, then I got upset and angry at one point I shouted at him and told him to stop feeling sorry for himself and it can be put right if he wants it to.

My dilema, I have accepted an offer on the house as he wanted it sold, do I pull it off the market and just now wait until he comes home in Dec/Jan. Do I carry on and if he wants to sort it out when he comes back it won't matter where I am living. Do I want to sort it out???? I have now had 4 months of very little or no contact from him and I was starting to get my head round things and starting to see myself as single:(.

I am so confused I have spent most of the day in a daze, he has said the words that I have been waiting to hear for 4 months - but now Im not so sure. I didn't say he loved me though:(.

We have all been so much in the last 4 or 5 months - I don't think I can di it all again if it doesnt work out when he comes home plus he's not home until 22/12 thats still nearly 2 months away.

I am now totally lost again and very tearful but Im not sure what Im crying for.

[callow]

I would carry on with your plans. I am a believer in fate and if the house is to be sold then it will happen.

Wait until he "walks the talk". A lot of partners that leave will say a lot of things about returning. However until they make make an actual physical movement it means nothing.

You could spend the rest of your life waiting for him to return. Get on with your life, if you are destined to be together it will happen.

[cw68]

I agree, carry on with the sale of the house. The house is a separate issue, one which you have also put a lot of effort into. Work off what he said, and maybe leaving the old house behind will also leave some of the old pain behind, too. It won't matter where you're living. Turn a new leaf together. Get your place, work together to get to a place in which you're both comfortable.

[huskypup]

I still don't know what to do, I am an absolute mess, he has reverted me back in two phone calls to the way I was nearly 4 months ago. I am so confused.

I have just spent the last two hours wandering around Morrisons, not that I wanted any shopping, I just couldn't bear to sit in the house, I really do believe in my wedding vows, but I can't allow him to do this to me again, if he decides it isn't what he wants when he does come home.

I need to see him to see how I feel about him, but that is still 7 weeks away. Until then what do I do, I know I should carry on with my plans but it is so hard.

If he was here it would be alot easier.

[AnnieP]

Husky pup.... I really do empathise with you. Having my H out of the way and not here to see his expressions etc felt like I was missing crucial information which would have ehlped us tremendously... but by the same token, now he is due back to me tomorrow, I realise that the distance has also protected me from his mood swings and given me a sense of equilibrium and strength. I am dreading his return!
I really do think you must carry on regardless. He has to see the results of his behaviour and maybe your strength and determination will win through!
I too believe in my wedding vows, but it is a case of "at what cost". We have all suffered so much, and if someone could guarantee us that things would work out if we hang on in there for 6 weeks/months/years, maybe we would happily wait...BUT there is no guarantee!

You know how you feel about him NOW. If you don't know, or if its positive, then by all means wait, but heaven help you when he changes his mind yet again, you will feel such a mug!
At the end of the day, no matter what you do regarding the house, if he decides you are the one and you agree it is worth working for, then where you are living and what you/he has done will be irrelevant!

I SO wish you luck and love. You deserve it. It must be so difficult for you with him being so far away.
xxxxx

[huskypup]

Thanks everyone

It is so hard, Ive been trying to write him an email all day, but don't know what to say, he has hurt me so much in the last 4 months, and Im not sure that I can forgive him - or whether I want to forgive him - and that makes me feel even worse for having such thoughts.

I sat earlier looking at my wedding photo's and I was in tears but still I don't know why.

At this very moment I am so angry at him.

Annie

Good luck and my fingers are crossed for you
xx

Nancy

[outoftheblue]

Nancy,
I think your reaction tells you all you need to know, you do still love him very very much. You have every right to also feel anger at the way he has treated you and the pain he has caused over the last few months.

I think you should go ahead with the house sale and the others are right, if he really loves you it won't matter where you are, he'll want to be with you. Also a new location will dispel bad memories from the old house and if it is what he wants he will be able to start afresh with you when he comes home.

No one knows if that is what he wants, and even he may not fully know yet. I think you should ask him if he is at least prepared to acknowledge the pain and distress he has caused and accept that he will have to work hard to mend fences and build bridges. If he can admit that, then you can tell him you are prepared to let him try. If he refuses to acknowledge anything and even tries to belittle the impact his behaiour has had, then he is not ready to come back and repair your relationship.

By being so far away he has had time alone to reflect and he may now be ready, but there is of course a chance he is just homesick and feeling sorry for himself, but when he actually returns he might feel better again and isn't then prepared to try.

Protect yourself and your feelings for now, but save some room for hope that he has or is in the process of changing.
Cxx

[huskypup]

Another very late night full of phone calls backwards and forwards to the Falkland islands, again he was very tearful and kept telling me how sorry he was and that he doesn't know how to put things right. he kept saying he was sorry for the pain and hurt he has put me through the last 4 months and for the way he left - but he still doesn't know why he left, the only thing he admits is he has made a mistake and he has thrown away everything - he did say he thought this may have something to do with his childhood.

I asked if he would go and see someone if we could go and see someone to talk through these feelings he had- as I felt there was no future unless we got to the bottom of these things - he said he couldn't do that - back to the never show a weakness thing.

I tried to tell him about all the times how he had shunned me away before he left (its amazing how you remember them afterwards but at the time just shrug them off as normal when they aren't) he apologized and said he hadn't realised he was doing these things but did admit tobeing very selfish and taking me for granted.

We got onto the subject of his children -his son especially who is having a very bad time with his mother - 4 months ago she would have phoned me to help him out - now I play no part, she has asked if he can come and live with HB when he comes back as she has virtually wiped her hands on him - he has emotional problems that neither HB orhis exwife would accept, I tried to push for him to be assessed and maybe even a special school, they toyed around with autism or dyspraxia, but neither would admit it, despite how much I pushed, now he has no friends is being bullied at school, and was SHOT!!!!! with a BB gun last week, he police have arrested the youths involved and charges were brought (no-one told me until this week) I would have him here with me and I have told HB that. I don't know if HB wants to come home because of son needing a better enviroment to live (and Im not even sure about that statement).

I have not slept at all last night, he kept repeating "thank you for talking to me" "I wouldn't talk to me if I was you" and that he doesn't mean to keep making me cry. He just kept repeating that "he wanted his life back - 6 months ago" before all this happened and he could tell me how he was feeling -isn't hindsight a funny thing.

I am so confused I do still love HB, I thought I was getting over it, but I don't want my old life back, I want to feel special, I want someone to smile and me when I walk in the door, to worry about me if I was late home, and most importantly the thing the last 4 months has shown me is want my own family - and that is something I know he can't won't budge on.

I can't stop crying, I really want to hate him, there must be something about the 3/11, as this is the day that I left my first husband as I couldn't take anymore of the violence, it would have been my 18 wedding anniversary today, it is also the day I left Scotland to start my new life here 12 years ago, and now its the day HB is telling me he wants me back - maybe its an omen telling me not to open my eyes on the 03/11 and to stay in bed.

Sorry everyone whinge over but I really don't know what to do.

Nancy
x

[outoftheblue]

Nancy, a virtual hug for you, please know I understand how confused you feel.

I do think you have explained your feelings very well. I think you should email him and tell him exactly what you want. You want him to recognise his faults/problems and take positive steps to resolve them now, rather than return and sweep them under the carpet to fester for years. and Yes you do want to be loved and appreciated for who you are. He recognises he hasn't done that and again taking steps to rectify his attitude towards you would show he is willing to change.

I can understand your deisre for your own family and also his for not wanting anymore children, probably due to his own issues and his worry/ disappointment with his son. But if it is something you want, do not give up on that desire. Although no one has a right to a child, equally no one not even him has the right to deny you that possibility whatever his reasons. Explain to him how important it is to you and ask him to think how he felt when his first child was born, and whether it is right for him to deny you those intense life changing feelings. If he cannot accept this you shouldn't get back with him . You would end up resenting him for his selfishness. You have already shown an enormous commitment to him in taking on his children and even offering to care long term for his son, there has to be a point when he gives something back.

Of course you still love him and it does sound like he has finally realised he loves you. Show him you are willing to help him find his way back to you, but there has to be effort, rather than just empty words of apology, on his part. Tell him admitting faults and trying to correct them are not a sign of weakness but a sign of strength. It takes a big man to face his demons and not many can do it. Ask him if he is man enough?

Keep strong Nancy take care
Cxx

[huskypup]

Hello all

Well another week has passed, and its another week of very late night phone calls from him, I have had to ask hm to stop phoning me at 2.30 in the morning as I am so tired, these phone calls last for usually 2 hours at a time, he phones me when he getting ready to turn in for the night, there is curretnly a 3 hour time difference in the Falklands, and he just keeps saying sorry, which I end up getting annoyed at, as I know that he is sorry, but I need answers from him to why he did it, he still won't seek any counselling. He has received my emails and agreed with eveyrthing I said and admits that they were alot of the feelings he was feeling to, I still think he needs to find someone to talk to apart from me about the way he has behaved and why he has done what he has.

So to be honest we haven't moved that far, the only thing we have agreed on is the house sale has been put on hold until the new year, and that we will just generally talk - not about anything in particular, just general stuff, and then I/we will see how we feel when he comes home. He knows why I can not allow him to move back in and that he must stay in the mess until the time is right - (if it ever is). Until I see him and spend some time with him I don't think I can decide whether I want to be with him, and he knows that.

No promises or expectations. He knows how I feel on the children issue and I think it will be a major stumbling block:(, but I have reassessed my life the past 4 months and it is what I want more in the world than probably even more than my husband and that is very sad, but on the other hand I can't have him move back in with promises of a family when its not what he wants -its a very mixed up situation.

With all that has gone on in my personnel life the last 15 years, work have paid for me to do some courses in the next few months, Dealing with people in distress, dealing with Trauma and Introduction to Counselling, not sure I can help anyone but they should all be interesting and may make me understand myself abit more.

How is everyone doing, the board has been abit quiet recently - hope thats a good sign.

Annie - Hope its working out and its what you wanted.

Topsey- Not heard from you for a while, how's the house sale and are you ok?

Out of the Blue - sending you hugs, as we are now in a similar situation, has he been in touch yet, and did you son have a nice time away?

Take care

Nancy

[outoftheblue]

HI Nancy

I'm so glad you're having some contact. Though it's minimal there is a sign of hope for you both.

Thank you for asking, my son had a really good time in the States and wasn't homesick at all.

I'm still hanging on in limbo, H has gone really weird, I have still not had any contact from him since the day before he was due to start counselling. I feel he probably didn't stick with it and is too ashamed to admit it, but not sure how long he can go on just ignoring me,. He had begun to show such signs of progress and wanting to sort himself out, but now I just don't know what to think. I have just sent him an email, nicely asking what's going on, has he decided to be with her, but too cowardly to tell me, or does he know what he did was wrong but is too proud to admit it and apologise. I've told him I love him and he has nothing to fear by contacting me, but after being together so happily for so long I don't deserve to be ignored. Hopefully this will help him find a way to contact us, but I'm not holding my breath!

Let me know of any progress with you.
Cxx

[AloneRain]

(((((((((huskypup))))))))))

I dont think its you at all sweetheart and I think maybe the RAF boys have too much time on there hands? Hopefully when you get over this, someone completely different will come along from a different career path. Although I know you can't help you fall in love with.

I don't really know what to make of DH's last efforts? Is he homesick? Is this genuine? Will he have a relapse and think he doesn't love you again in future?

Please be strong and I feel for you, really I do.

If I can do anything to to help or even be someone to listen, please don't hesitate in contacting me.

I know it feels really unfair but you deserve better than this. I miss my ex's family too.

Take care angel.

Rain xxxx

[huskypup]

Hi all

Just thought I'd update you on my situation, HB and me are talking to each other everyday sometimes twice a day, this feels very strange after 3 months of no contact at all, we are trying to work through this, it is hard as he is not back in the country until 17/12.

He knows that he can not move back in and that he must live in the mess until I feel the time is right, I don't like to lay down the shots but that is the way it has to be. There has been alot of crying and me shouting at him, and he agree's with everything that I am saying to him, he has been writing how he feels down and sending them to me, as he feels silly trying to tell me over the phone - the operators often listen to conversations. He also knows that family is part of the agenda and at least now is able to discuss this with me without saying no straight away.

Im still not entirely convinced that I want him back and HB knows this, we are trying to be as honest with each other as possible. I feel though even if we can't sort it out, at least we will have a better parting than the way he left orginally.

I do really love him, but the past 4 months of my life have been
awful and I dont like him much for what he did to me. I was away in Dublin this weekend and for the first time in ages I really missed him, - Im taking that as a good sign.

He asked what I was doing for Christmas - I said I had made plans, but we will see how the land lies when he comes home.

Hope that everyone else is ok. have not heard from AnnieP or Topsey for a while so Im taking that as good news - if it is a you read this log on and let us all know.

OOTB - hope you are bearing up - sending you big hugs.

Nancy aka huskypup

[LBA]

How are things Huskypup.
Been reading your posts.
What is it with RAF guys??
Where are you stationed?

[huskypup]

LBA

I know what you mean about RAF guys, it is too easy for them to just waltz into the Accommodation cell and get a room in the block or the mess - I should know Im the Accommodation Manager and I hand out the keys to them, and while Im doing this Im putting my couselling courses to use and listening and not advising whilst underneath I am slowly sinking and not able to sort my own marriage out.

I take it you are also an RAF wife or partner. Where are you stationed?

We have had another hour long phone call tonight, I told him I wasn't feeling as wanted as I thought I should be feeling, he said that he didn't want too overwhelm me with lots of phone calls and silly emails and the loveystuff, and he thought I would just brush them aside, tried to get through to him that they are the things that I have been craving for years, the things that seemed to stop as we got older - but why should they have to stop.

He flies back the 16/12, I am not going to Brize Norton to pick him up, I can't do, he will go back to Honington (we are on different camps) and will come and see me the next day, though I had toyed with the idea of driving to Honington and surprising him - but we will see how that one goes.

I really do want to try and sort this out, but I can't go through the next four months again if it doesn't work, though on a positive note he has agreed for me to contact Relate tommorrow and arrange an appointment for us after christmas.

Small steps, but in the right direction.

Huskypup

[LBA]

I was in the RAF and was then a 'wife of'.......god I always hated that term, always told Med centre not to call me that and refer to me as Mrs.
My son was born in Kings Lynn when we were at Marham.

Things started to go wrong after hubby left RAF 10 years ago.

You really have to decide what you want, after all you've gone through hell the last 4 months;)

[huskypup]

;)Hi all

Just checking in;) Hb and myself are still in contact daily - my phone bill is going to be huge, it is really hard to really get to the bottom of things whilst he is still 8500 miles away. He flight home has been confirmed for the 16/12 I stil haven't decided whether I will collect him from the Airhead or not - if I do, I am giving him the green light to come home - as he is not stationed where we live, if I leave him to make his own way here am I being too distant. I really do want to see his face as he comes through the arrival lounge - I suppose I want the romance of him throwing his arms around me , when in reality he will be really smelly and sweaty from an 18 hour flight and I wouldn't want him near me:D.

We are going away for Christmas he has rented a cottage in N Yorks so we can spend some time on our own with no distractions - sort of a kill or cure weekI suppose, so we can start to discuss what has happened.

He is feeling very guilty and is upset about the pain he has put me through, he can't understand why Im not shouting at him and angry, I am angry but what is the point of shouting and trying to make him feel any worse than he already does, he doesn't need my help he can do that to himself. He has agreed that there are issues that go back alot further than me and that I can't really help them with them, though I can listen, I have no answers and to some of them I don;t think there are any answers.

I do love him but a little part of me doesn't want him to come home -as I know I can cope and I know I don't need him, then I hear his voice and I just want him home with me now so we can try and sort this mess out, just hearing him call me by the pet name he used to use for me - makes me smile and think yes we can do this.

So I have 2 1/2 weeks until he flies back I am trying to keep myself busy, must tidy the house and teh garden as they look like a student has been living here for the past 4 months:eek:.

We both have to accept that each other has changed and change is a good thing -as we are all guilty of being too complacent and taking each other for granted, if we can work through this we will be a better partnership than we were before, if we can't then I think we will at least be able to part as friends.

Though I am not condoning the way he left, I am prepared to take a small amount of the responsibility for why he left, the way he went was cowardly and not what I would have expected from the man I am prepared to spend the rest of my life with.

There are going to be a few arguments and I am sure alot of tears in the next month or so, but we will sort it out one way or the other.

I still do not wear my wedding rings and he knews this, and he also knows I am still using my maiden name, when we feel the time is right and he places the rings back on my finger then I will be married again.

Take care everyone and thank you for all the help you have all given me over the past 4 months, without checking here several times a day I can honestly say I probably wouldn't have got through everything. This site has kept me just alittle but sane to know that are people that do understand and will give honest opinions never answers as only you can decide the answer to the question that you seek.

Lots of love
Nancy
xx

[huskypup]

Hi all

Well I now have 13 sleeps until HB comes home and I am now beginning to get excited - and I know that I shouldn't be before anyone tells me off, I found myself wandering round Tesco yesterday buying all the food that he likes, I had to tell me off for that one - as for one little moment I had forgotten what happened and that he had just been on a normal 4 month detachment.

I know it is going to be very hard but we are both willing to try, he has booked the cottage for Christmas in Cumbria not in Yorkshire as I thought it is called widows cottage:eek: is he trying to tell me something.

And yes I relented and I am picking him up from the airhead, he asked me to as he wanted to see me standing there where he comes through the arrivals hall - he can be quite soppy when he wants to - just need him to do it abit more.

We are speaking everyday sometimes for hours on end, and he is even being a little bit naughty in his emails:o, and if he can reduce to me a mess over the internet (at work may I add!!) then theres def something still there for both of us - we just have to find it.

Hope that everyone is well and that we all reach our goals safely.

Huskypup
xx

[samantha1974x]

I really do hope that things continue to go well once he is back in the UK, and that you have spend some lovely time together over Christmas.

This hopefully will give you the chance to discuss what went so wrong, and work at solutions etc etc.

Its fantastic news that you will be spending Christmas together because its just a special time of the year!

Please though, one discussion you need to have very soon is "babies". Even if you manage to sort everything else out, this is something that you cannot put on hold for too much longer. A womans natural desire for children is a strong thing, as you have discovered yourself recently, and its not fair for any man to expect a woman to give up their needs.

Hopefully you can discuss this with him, and maybe get to the bottom of why he doesnt want any more etc, so that not only will you get your DH back, but in time you can also become a mummy too :)

[readynow]

Husky Pup,
WOW, this really makes for a huge smile. It is so good to hear about a couple working it out. I wouldn't even entertain those "I don't need him"'s. Why risk putting that energy out there when it looks like it could be turning into good for you? Really I hope it does work out for you and enjoy the holiday! It is such a tragedy that so many people can split after sharing and seeing so much in this world that tells them to stick together.

You know as far as my wife it was only a few years ago that I was trying to find some way ANY way to get out of New York on September 11th to get back to my wife. We clung to each other through the following years and promised to go after our dreams no matter what. Well, 6yrs later she followed her dreams and ran off with a co-worker once she got there. When she was getting all caught up in that romance she kept watching "Life is Beautiful" because she was said that was how this new man made her laugh. I thought to myself, did you see the sceen where she leaves her husband while they are in the concentration camp for one of the soldiers? NO you say? Right because that would be UN-F*CKING-ROMANTIC!!!

I just don't understand it. It's like peace-time is an excuse to forget all about how absolutely cruel it is to leave someone to walk this world alone because you don't see hearts in their eyes THIS WEEK. :confused:

[outoftheblue]

HI Nancy,

Well it looks like we are both at the same stage. Hurrah.

Well done for keeping faith in your H it looks like he like mine is 'waking up' to himself and realising what he could have lost.

I have placed an update on my thread so won't bore you with it again.

I am thinking of you and can really associate with your buying trip round Tescos, I've done that too!!

Will be hoping and praying for you on the 16th and I think your decision to go and meet him is the right one.

Keep us posted. Good luck and much love.
Cxx

[huskypup]

Well its now 23 hours to go and I really nervous, I don't know why he's still my HB surely he hasn't changed that much in 5 months. Ive cleaned the house from top to bottom, walked the dogs, changed the beds and now just about to go and get a pedicure and do some shopping (after travelling for 24 hours don't think I should feed him a ready made Lasagne :D)

So much as gone on in my life in the last 5 months, I really hope that we can get through this, as I do love him so much, I don't particularly like him sometimes, but I do love him, I always have done. I know though that if we are now two completely different people I can do this alone, I won't like it but I can do it.

Yesterday he sent me the most loveliest flowers, with a note attached, saying he loved me and was looking forward to seeing me Sunday. I will be waiting for him at the Airhead when he lands 0- probably looking a wreck as I have to leave a 5am to collect him.

On top of everything else, his son is def coming to live with us in two weeks time, his ex can't cope with him and he doesn't want to be with her, it has sort of forced the issue into HB moving back home straightaway, though I am sure for us this will be a good thing, as we are USUALLY an all or nothing sort of couple. So I have my family back, we have also discussesd what happens to son if we can't sort it and HE STAYS WITH ME!!!!, it will be better for him in the long term - we will have to check the legal implications of that one if it happens but not thinking about that at present. We also spent a hour the other night discussing babies names, so a move in the right direction on that one.

I am looking forward to our week away in the Lakes, though not sure aboit cottage its REALLY remote, and if I don't come back to check in I'm under the patio as its called widows cottage:D. I have been buying lots of things to take with us so we can lock ourselves away and not have to venture out.

I want to say thank you to everyone on this site you have all helped me so much in the last few months, without you all Im sure I wouldn't be the person I am now.

Its 22 hours and 3 mins until HB lands and I am excited, have to tell myself off now and again though nicely - I was on a Trauma course the other day and the counsellor taking the class said you are your own best friend so be nice to yourself, look after yourself and the rest will sort its self out, so I talk to myself nicely now without shouting at me.

Take care everyone - and hope it works out for all of us. And if I don't manage to log in before Christmas - as I may (hopefully!!! be busy;)) have a wonderful Christmas and a brilliant new year and lets all start 2008 as we deserve happy people with us being No1.

"I am the most important person im my life and if I am not happy I can not make those around me happy"

Nancy

[samantha1974x]

I was so happy to read your post today - things are really looking good for you and hubby!!!

I truly from the bottom of my heart, wish everything works out for you after the months of waiting and hopefully now hubby will realise just what a fantastic lady you really are :)

Hope you have a fantastic Christmas together - just relax and have fun ;)

Good news on step son ... this i know means so much to you !!

Let us know in the New year how you guys have got on.

Sam xxxx

[Kalni]

Hi Nancy!!
I've been reading your posts and it's so great to read of a story that actually has a happy ending. You realise that either way it turns out after this week it will be a happy ending for you. I've read so many posts from so many different people, stories alsmost identical to mine, all ending to permanent separation.
I was thinking the other night (my H has left our home 4 weeks now), that no matter how things turn out in the end I owe it to myself to have faith in what we both together created. I owe it to my kids to treat this as a crisis and not as the end because you know what? Sometimes we all give up too early because we are hurt, tired, confused, angry, shocked and with a litle bit of faith, we may had a chance to get over what we are facing. I've decided I'll do that. I keep my faith in our bond alive, I will be thinking of a common future, facing each day with positive energy, and Ill see what it happens.
My boss recently told me that "a marriage especially when kids are involved never ends because of the man. It ends only when the woman gives up when she finally thinks/feels it's not worth it anymore".
I do feel it is worth it, I do still respect my husband (even the temporary choice he has made for us) but I do believe that we will grow old together and that there isn't much he can do about it.
In the meantime, I wish there were more happy ending stories to read in this forum, so if you are living one please post it.
Take care of yourselves, all of you and do not lose faith when you really believe what you had was special. The other part will (re-) feel it too (eventually). It has happened to me once with my H, I know it will again.
Nancy I hope what you were wishing for is happening to you right now.BE happy, you deserve it.
Kalni

[samantha1974x]

How was your time away? Did everything go ok ?

Sam xxxxx

[huskypup]

Hi all

Had a wonderful christmas and I think we are def back on track = even now to the baby issue.

For Christmas HB gave me a beautiful diamond Eternity ring made from Falkland island gold - he even remembered my size as I have verysmall fingers.

I think we will get there.

Would def recommend anyone getting away from home distractions to sort things out.