Insight into Healing: Imago Therapy

[DavidH]

In my never-ending search for "insight" I came across an article by Dr Gary Brainerd about how we choose our partners...

And he made some astounding claims, such as "When two people fall in love, something profound is happening that goes far beyond physical attraction, desire for companionship and even similarity of values and interests. There is an activation of an unconscious agenda that began years ago, rooted in childhood hurts and unmet needs. That agenda stated simply is this: We are all unconsciously looking for a particular someone who will help us finish childhood, heal childhood wounds and regain wholeness."

Whaaat?

And: "We can only be healed by the one who wounds us or a very reasonable facsimile..."

And: "To accomplish this agenda of healing, we have to be connected to someone similar to the wounding parents..."

See: http://www.relationship-help.com/articlesdetail.asp?id=3&cat=All

Yes, it really does sound crazy but I thought it explained so much!

This lead me on to looking into Imago Therapy as Brainerd looked like he was just peddling some new scheme to make money...

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Imago_Therapy

http://www.relationshipjourney.com/imago.html

I already had this book: Embracing Each Other: Relationship as Teacher, Healer and Guide
http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/1882591070/203-2648623-3202306

That book is really about healing the wounded inner child and bonding patterns in relationships -- there is a way of representing them I have shown in the attached pdf file.

I was stunned by these bonding patterns.. The one from Page 120 on Page 5 is very interesting -- you also have some text snippets from the book...

This is the essence of Transactional Analysis (TA)
See: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Transactional_analysis

Finally there was an article on Imago Therapy in this months Therapy Today (BACP Magazine) so it looks like it will take off in the UK....

Has anybody come across this? It seems to have one almighty big flaw!

Mr Abrasive

[johnj]

"We can only be healed by the one who wounds us or a very reasonable facsimile..."
I see where you are saying however in my case I have tried to do this but the people that i need healing from do not want to participate so I have to do it on my own.

[DavidH]

"We can only be healed by the one who wounds us or a very reasonable facsimile..."
I see where you are saying however in my case I have tried to do this but the people that i need healing from do not want to participate

Hi John... I was quoting Dr Brainerd's words... Yes that is what I see as the "big flaw" with this.... It is "couple therapy" but both partners need to (a) not be in denial about themselves (b) accept the possibility that going back to their childhood woundings/hurts may well be a very painful experience..

I find the individual therapy I do to be very painful and it leaves me very emotionally raw afterwards for a day or so (that is why I have suspended the childhood pain bit until after I get a job..).

so I have to do it on my own.

How are you doing that?

And why do you need the actual people who have wounded you? Can you say more about this, if you can, please...

BTW, what did you think of the bonding diagrams in the 2nd pdf?


David

[johnj]

David, First of all you have help me some much and that I am truley greatfull. I had never realised what had happened to me durring my childhood till now and the effect it had on my marriage.

I have confronted the people about this and they are truley ashamed to the piont that they will not disscusse it with me and have had to look into myself and the people that I care about to talk about it.

I would like to confront the bad people because I am now am man and they can't. So now in the last week or so have had to explaine to the people I care for why I am this whay. Not sure if I have said it right because I am still dealing with it and am trying to understand why I have to be put thru the same selfishness again.

[DavidH]

David, First of all you have help me so much and that I am truly greatful. I had never realised what had happened to me during my childhood till now and the effect it had on my marriage.

Thank you for saying that. The stuff I post is what I have discovered during my own search for some understanding (and then the self-healing) of my own defects and of the dynamics of the two long-term relationships I've been in... I post the stuff in the hope that it may help others to gain their own insight into what is happening in their own lives and enable them to heal through that insight...

I have confronted the people about this and they are truly ashamed to the point that they will not discuss it with me and have had to look into myself and the people that I care about to talk about it.

Yes, that is denial -- the alternative can be extremely painful and most people are programmed by babyhood experience to avoid all pain. That is after all, the real purpose of pain -- to warn of damage...

I would like to confront the bad people because I am now am man and they can't. So now in the last week or so have had to explain to the people I care for why I am this why. Not sure if I have said it right because I am still dealing with it and am trying to understand why I have to be put thru the same selfishness again.

Ok, I think I understand -- but I would suggest you would gain a great deal from going through all this in a controlled way with a trained and professional therapist... You can find one here: www.bacp.co.uk

I was very lucky and found a good one locally at the first try! The advantage is that they do not have the emotional attachments and baggage that the ones that wounded you have! It's still very painful, though! My understanding is that all BACP therapists have to undergo therapy themselves as part of their training*. Mine costs £35 per hour and I have one hour per week...

Hope that helps...

David

* As a coincidence I go out with a BACP accredited therapist and she told me that she had four and a half years of therapy as part of her BACP training...

[johnj]

no David I went to theripist and only offer what I want. I have just after all of this just started to understand myself and who I am an what has made me this way. Ten years ago I went back to the people that had hurt me and they didn't care. Now I have to deal with it because it still meant something to me not them.

[DavidH]

no David I went to therapist and only offer what I want. I have just after all of this just started to understand myself and who I am an what has made me this way. Ten years ago I went back to the people that had hurt me and they didn't care. Now I have to deal with it because it still meant something to me not them.

Ok, understood. Thank you, John!

How long have you been doing therapy? It is a long and painful process which I have only just started (since end of January)

David

[johnj]

Therapy with me has gone a long time the only thing I have learnd is that I have to do it. These people are great and are really friendly and just don't offer anything. I actully told the last one that. She said that was my problem. Little story or joke from a friend that is religious and I am not.

Guy is in the mist of a flood and the water is up to his neck and a guy throws him a rope and he says no god will save me
then he is starting to float and a bout comes by and says come in and he says god will save me
Then a helicopter comes and throws him a ladder god will save me water was at the tree top.

anywho he meet god and he asked him why he let him die.

god said damn I sent you a rope then I sent you a boat then I sent you a ladder what more do you want.

Not sure what it means but I could have taken one and wish I could now

[DavidH]

Therapy with me has gone a long time the only thing I have learnd is that I have to do it. These people are great and are really friendly and just don't offer anything. I actully told the last one that. She said that was my problem.

Yes, that is so because they know what your problem is as soon as they speak with you. It wouldn't help you one bit if they told you what it was because you need to be lead by them in the right direction(s) so that you deal with all the childhood pain and re-process it in an adult way... That is where all the pain comes from! From the release and understanding of the pain eventually comes the healing you need...

And once you are healed, you can have normal, healthy interdependent relationships... and until then relationships will always be dysfunctional... http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dysfunctional

Only you can heal your "Inner Child" which was wounded by childhood experiences...

See: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Inner_child
See also: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Codependency
and http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dysfunctional_family
and http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Covert_incest

David

[Stevet]

Ok, I think I understand -- but I would suggest you would gain a great deal from going through all this in a controlled way with a trained and professional therapist... You can find one here: www.bacp.co.uk (http://www.bacp.co.uk)

I was very lucky and found a good one locally at the first try! The advantage is that they do not have the emotional attachments and baggage that the ones that wounded you have! It's still very painful, though! My understanding is that all BACP therapists have to undergo therapy themselves as part of their training*. Mine costs £35 per hour and I have one hour per week...

* As a coincidence I go out with a BACP accredited therapist and she told me that she had four and a half years of therapy as part of her BACP training...

My wife has found her therapist through BACP. Despite numerous recomendations we both went to 2 relate sessions, the first was ok but the second was awful! The therapist basically told us both we were both very un-happy and advised my wife to make a decision and even suggested her opinion (i didnt think therapist were supposed to use their opinions) would be that we consider separation or going our separate ways!

By her own admition, my wife was not ready for this but felt guided to do so by the therapist....thanks!

Anyway I am hoping to see one also, however not sure if it is the right time for me just yet as I am still in limbo so to speak....

Steve

[DavidH]

My wife has found her therapist through BACP. Despite numerous recomendations we both went to 2 relate sessions, the first was ok but the second was awful! The therapist basically told us both we were both very un-happy and advised my wife to make a decision and even suggested her opinion (i didnt think therapist were supposed to use their opinions) would be that we consider separation or going our separate ways!


Yes, you have to find a "pro-marriage" therapist! I forgot to mention that!

I went to Relate years ago and I have never been very impressed with them. That is why I tried www.bacp.co.uk

David

[aqua]

Hi David - May I ask you why you weren't impressed with Relate? I go to Relate and have done so since Feb and I'm not sure I'm really getting anywhere. My counsellor used to fall asleep and I would have to gangle my keys to wake him!

I think I need to see someone more qualified to deal with the inner me rather than what has happened in my marriage. That is well and truly over anway. I just have to come to terms with it.

Many thanks....aqua

[Lauz]

Yes, you have to find a "pro-marriage" therapist! I forgot to mention that!

I went to Relate years ago and I have never been very impressed with them. That is why I tried www.bacp.co.uk (http://www.bacp.co.uk)

David

I think it depends on the person you get no matter what organisation you go through. We have been going to relate and I have found our counselor very good. She has been objective all the way through and very understanding for both our parts. My h is seeing her for IC now and he seems to think its going well. I am going to attend one of the next sessions too.